Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia, no matter how much I might want to.
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It was just another boring World Conference. Each country sat around a large, round table and looked forward with trepidation as they foresaw more pointless debates and meaningless political niceties. Not one thought that anything would be accomplished. After all, nothing ever was. These meetings were truly nothing more than an excuse to see old friends, oppose new enemies, and create the illusion that the world was wonderful and the countries were all productive. Little did they know, this particular meeting would be drastically different from anything they had ever heard before.
The current topic of conversation was, of course, global warming. After all, this had been a serious subject for years and now, in its current, more advanced, state, it posed more of a challenge than ever before to all the most northern countries like the Nordics, Canada, and Russia, and no one would ignore something that put Russia in danger in fear of being beaten to death with a rusted pipe in their sleep. For once, the meeting was being led by a nation other than America. England had taken it upon himself to lead this particular meeting. He said that it was "about time the world was led by someone other than some ignorant Yankee nutburger" and, though no one knew how, a petition with nearly every country's signature upon it had come in.
This was why America was to be found sitting in an uncomfortable chair (coincidentally next to England's), bored out of his mind and trying to stay awake through the boring English ranting which, in his defense, he couldn't understand anyway. I mean REALLY: why couldn't England just speak fucking ENGLISH for once? Oh that's right. It was because he was ENGLAND. And NOTHING could EVER be easy when it came to England. America had to use every ounce of his heroic strength just to keep himself from banging his head against the table in front of him.
Two hours passed in monotonous torture for one American hero. Admittedly, he HAD tried to help the other nations to fix their problems. After all, he WAS a hero and he could just tell that the other nations wanted, no NEEDED him to solve their problems for them. After all he was AMERICA. EVERYONE wanted his help. But for some reason, England always seemed to know what his suggestions were. America had to admit he was starting to believe in England's magic. After all, how else could he POSSIBLY know that America wanted to build a giant robotic hero to end genocide in Darfur? It's not like he'd ever given the suggestion before. At least not in THAT specific topic.
Finally, America perked up as he heard a topic he knew something about. A comparison of transportation in the Western Hemisphere in the 1700s compared to the present day. Immediately, America stood to give his input into the conversation.
"America, you damn Yankee! Sit down!"
"But Iggy! I have some important input to say!"
"If you dare say that we didn't have robot heroes or some other such nonsense..."
"No no Iggy! Just give me a chance!" America pleaded with his former father figure.
With a sigh, England gave in to the younger nation's incessant whining.
"Fine, fine…"
"Ok!" America began, standing as straight as possible for the full effect of what he was about to say. "Travel in the 1700s…Well they obviously didn't have cars…"
England visibly straightened in his seat. Was it possible that America actually knew what he was talking about?
"But AIRPLANES on the other hand…"
No. Apparently not.
"AMERICA YOU WANKER!"
"HEY IGGY! DON'T BE SO RUDE! I'M TRYING TO GIVE A PRESENTATION HERE!"
"ON A TOPIC YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND! WHEN WILL YOU EVER LEARN?"
"WHEN YOU STOP TREATING ME LIKE A CHILD! DID YOU FAIL TO NOTICE HOW MUCH BETTER MY COUNTRY IS THAN YOURS NOW?"
"DON'T YOU DARE BRING THAT UP YOU UNGRATEFUL LITTLE…"
The other countries visibly sweatdropped as the argument quickly escalated into a full-blown fight. Of course they were used to it by now, but that didn't mean they enjoyed it any more than any other time it happened.
Eventually, the meeting resumed, although this time around, England was unable to suppress America's constant interruptions and suggestions (most of which involved giant robotic heroes of course). Then, a topic came which drastically changed the entire mood of the meeting: global problems. Poverty to be exact. As was to be expected, America had something to say on the topic.
"I've got it!"
"Got what you bloody git?"
Needless to say, England was not pleased with the American.
"I know how to fix this problem!"
England sighed and prepared himself for yet another fight with his former colony. Then, a clueless Italian spoke up on the American's behalf.
"Ve~ won't you let America speak England? EEP!"
Under an Englishman's gaze, the Italian began to regret this statement as his innate survival instincts kicked in. Meanwhile, a fed up England decided to just give up the fight and let America speak so that the meeting could end.
"Fine…What is your solution, oh wonderful bringer of peace?"
"Ha! You see Iggy? I knew you always thought I was awesome!"
A groan was heard. Had the dense American never even heard sarcasm before? Apparently it was a side effect of not being able to read the atmosphere of a room properly.
"OK guys! So here's the thing: there are six billion people in the world, more or less, right?"
A few scattered nods passed through the crowd while the majority of nations just sat silently, practically hearing their brains melting while America spoke.
"So yeah, six billion people. Well you have to figure: between third-world countries and poverty in more developed nations, about four billion of these people have to be impoverished right? And these people don't really have the money to raise kids right? But that's about all most of them can do. You see?"
Now some of the other nations were starting to pay attention. What exactly was America talking about? And were his numbers even right? Probably not, knowing him.
"So anyway: these four billion people are having all of these kids that they can't take care of and the more they have to take care of, the further in debt they go. Now from these four billion people, let's say two billion of them are women. These women get pregnant. Now with all the women who get pregnant each year, we have to consider those with miscarriages. That number would probably be around 500 million according to my calculations. But when the remaining babies are born, there will still be at least a billion."
Now, the other countries were definitely paying attention. Was America doing MATH? And making SENSE?
"Well the problem becomes: what do we do with those babies who will not only cost their impoverished parents more money than they have, but will one day most likely join the impoverished population and, if a billion babies join the homeless population each year and half of them survive to adulthood, the impoverished population will just continue to grow in number each generation. We need to get rid of this large amount of babies in order to curb the growth of destitute individuals."
The world was coming to an end. America was not only doing MATH and making SENSE, but now he was using vocabulary like DESTITUTE correctly. It was definitely a sign of the apocalypse. Then, things got more interesting.
"So you may be asking yourselves at this point: how can we POSSIBLY fix this horrible problem? Who could POSSIBLY save us from this? HOW can America be so AWESOME as to have figured all of this out? Well you don't have to worry about a thing! Because after all, I AM a HERO which answers that question of my awesome-ness. And because I am so AWESOME I have a solution all worked out for us!"
"Ve~ what can we do?" Italy questioned, listening intently to the other nation.
At this point, the other nations were beginning to think that America might have a wonderful, logical solution to this problem that he had outlined so maturely. How wrong they all were.
"Well; my solution will fix not only the overpopulation problem and the poverty problem, but it will also help to end world hunger!"
It was official. Whatever this solution was would be the equivalent of the second coming of Jesus. Or would it?
"So anyway. Babies, when they are first born can survive purely on their mother's breast milk for the first few months right? So for the first few months the babies will need nothing more than their mother's milk and a rag or two for clothing. Then, after a few months when the babies have been effectively fattened up, they can make a very good meal!"
America paused in his explanation, grinning excitedly at the other nations, ready for their praise. Unfortunately this praise was not forthcoming. The other nations all stared in shock at the superpower nation. Not one believing what they had just heard but knowing they had indeed heard correctly.
"O.k. guys, don't judge. Just hear me out here: these babies will not cost the parents anything. You can't deny that can you? Each one would be big enough to feed an entire family by that point. And, even better than not costing anything, they will make their parents MONEY! The babies can be sold for profit! This will help stimulate the worldwide economy! And, as I said before, no more overpopulation, no more hunger, no more poverty. Even the poorest person in the world would be able to buy a delicacy because there would be such an abundance and they would be CHEAP to buy! And we can even make them cultural! You know, sprinkle them over pasta for Italy, add a side of wurst for Germany, we can even add cats to it for Korea! And it will help family relationships too! Think about it: there won't be any unwanted kids! That means the ones couples DO have will just be treasured even more! Also, husbands will take better care of their wives! If the wives are bringing in the extra money with their births it will make for a much better respect between the sexes. Also, men will be more hesitant to mistreat their wives out of fear of causing a miscarriage and therefore losing the money! Plus people will be happier because they can just enjoy having sex and have no worries about anything stupid like…like birth control! And abortion will end because it won't be necessary anymore!"
By this point, several nations were green with nausea, imagining the horrors that America was suggesting to solve world problems. Only Russia seemed immune to the suggestion. Indeed, he was grinning childishly, his hands twitching towards his pipe as if he had the sudden desire to try this "delicacy" for himself.
"But of course it would never work for me…" America said. The other nations visibly relaxed as they were reassured that America had not been serious about his suggestions at all. "I mean it's pointless for me! I have no wife, I don't have kids…" O.k. So maybe he WAS serious.
Hours passed. More topics were discussed. No one was able to look America right in the eye. Not anymore. As the meeting concluded, the nations left without another word. America looked up with a questioning look on his face. Why was everyone acting so serious? Didn't they understand SATIRE?
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(A/N) Yeah…so before you guys shoot me for this I based the entire thing off of an assignment I had to read for Social Justice. We read a satirical short story about eating Irish babies to end world hunger and the main character in the story said it was an AMERICAN who suggested it to him. Then my history teacher started telling us about a student's essay about travel in the 1700s who started the essay "well obviously they didn't have cars…" and then went off about airplanes. This is what came out of that.