Faking determination
Protecting the Lylat System all these years. Many have asked how we do it and what drives us to keep going forward. I cannot merely say it was sheer luck, nor excellent skill. It was the teamwork and leadership that kept us thriving, that kept us together. Even though we did separate at a time of sorrow, confusion, and angst, we formed back together to defend our galaxy and our relationships as partners, teammates, protectors and friends.
Though to get through it all I had do have one thing… determination. Why is it that people believed that I always had that? That there wasn't at least one time in a situation that all of my hopes and dreams had been merely crushed and that there was no chance to complete something important to me. A fine example would be a mission, a mission under pressure where perhaps your most cherished loved ones are at stake and you can't do a single thing to help them. That maybe your enthusiasm and energy is so low that you sit at the edge of your bed late at night and stress over the past and future? Maybe I am not always the go-getter everyone thinks I am. That maybe I can be scared and feel overpowered at times.
No one ever questioned that though. Never even had a simple thought that maybe I was using a false sense of encouragement to lighten the mood for my fellow comrades. I wear a mask of confidence and joy. But what lies underneath the mask is a shadow of doubt, fatigue, and stress. I do not enjoy tricking people, but if it means bottling up my emotions for my squad and the universe then I have not choice but to become what I feel not.
One day I messed with the bottle of my feelings. I pulled at the cork until the emotions came pouring out. They confused me in their stream of continuous feelings. I was overwhelmed by it. This is when my beloved left me. Because of my stupid and idiotic actions. I urged her to leave but not out of hate, anger, or self-gain. But because I loved her so dearly that I wished not for her to get hurt. I meant not to cause such tense rage between us. Oh the pain that wrenched my heart. I felt like a hollow shell walking around with no meaning, no desire. Whilst she came back but our heartstrings had to be retied. We are together now, but yet so very far apart…
I don't mean to cause pain or sorrow. I hide myself for a gain not a loss. Does that make me weak? Does that make me vulnerable? I do what I do for others as much as I can, even though it eats me away inside. I become something false. I…
I have to fake my determination…for the sake of my loved ones…