Finding Peace
by The Lost Girl
SPOILERS: Everything up to "Amends" in BTVS.
SUMMARY: What if Buffy had sensed that there was more to Angel's plea than a simple desire to protect her.
DISCLAIMERS: All the characters in the story belong to whoever has the right on "BTVS" and "Angel".
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is a story that I wrote a while ago after watching the episode "Amends". Please keep in mind that I strongly believe that suicide is NEVER the answer. This is a work of fiction, and fiction alone. If you suffer from depression, or are having any kind of suicidal thoughts, I strongly suggest that you read something else, and seek help in your community (friends, family, psychologist, doctor, etc.). Thank you! : )
Finding Peace
"Buffy please. Just this once... Let me be strong..."
Buffy saw the resolve on Angel's face... And something else, something that made her heart sink... Angel had lived for one hundred years knowing what his demon had done and taking the blame for it... Even after being sent to Hell for God knows how long, nobody had seemed to understand or forgive him... All they saw was the monster who had tortured them and made their world a living nightmare... Even Buffy, who was the only one who had showed him some compassion and had cared for him until his strength had returned, had found someone else while he was gone. He had left Hell only to find a new one. Buffy even started to wonder if "The First" had indeed brought Angel back, only to increase his suffering and show him how cruel the world would always be towards him... Staring deep into his dark brown eyes, she asked herself just how much pain a human soul could endure before breaking down... And if, somehow, Angel's soul shouldn't be allowed to finally rest, be at peace.
Peace... Something she wasn't allowed either... Being the Slayer, she didn't belong to herself; she belonged to the world... The Chosen One, the one girl (technically) in her generation with the strength and skill to fight evil... Through the years, she had somehow grown tired of it... She had to pay the price for everyone, buying their security and peace of mind with her own existence, sacrificing her life to her sacred duty... And now, she was about to loose "the only freaky thing in her freaky world" that still made sense to her. The person she loved more than life itself... The only reason she was truly grateful to have been chosen by whatever higher powers there was... It had given her the chance to meet him. If she couldn't convince him to stay, if the burden he carried on his very soul was too heavy for him, there was only one thing left to do...
Buffy advanced slowly towards the edge of the cliff, looking down...
"Buffy?..." Angel softly asked, his voice weak, but full of concern...
Buffy looked at him for a moment, then looked back down, and took a step further... She was about to jump when she felt two strong arms catching her just in time. Buffy and Angel both fell to the ground, Angel pining her softly under his weight...
"Buffy!!! What the hell are you doing?!?!" He was nearly shouting, more out of shock than anger though.
She looked up at him and started crying again... "I can't do this anymore Angel... I can't lose you again..."
As she kept on crying and clinging to him, Angel sat down, bringing Buffy in the same position so she could face him. Looking at her with tears in his eyes he said: "Buffy, I'm sorry... I'm weak... I just can't... It hurts so much... Please understand..." He just couldn't hold back his tears anymore and started sobbing openly, letting Buffy gather his shuddering body against her chest.
After they had both calmed down a little, having found back her voice, she softly spoke again: "I understand Angel, I do understand... As much as it hurts me, you have the right to let go, to finally find peace and break free of your curse... But I can't lose you... You can't ask me to do that... I've sent you to Hell once and I thought that I would die. My life had been going downhill from there until you came back. I've never loved Scott, never could... I love you... Forever... And I'm so tired of fighting, tired of going out every night facing darkness when the only thing that made it bearable was you... If you hadn't been there, I would have died three years ago when facing the Master... I've never told you this before, but the reason I stayed, the reason I came back, was for you. And it's not like I am desperately needed here, another Slayer can take my place. One less weary and who might find a reason to fight... Please Angel, let me go with you..."
Angel, who hadn't stopped her while she talked, enjoying the feeling of her hands soothingly running in his soft dark hair, was torn between two feelings... Somehow, he knew she was right; they both had been through so much pain together... And the only moment of peace he had ever been allowed to have in more than one hundred years, his only moment of happiness, had turned him back into a monster, hurting them both in the process, along with every friends they ever had. They were doomed to love each other in this world without ever having the right to get close... Or they could maybe love each other freely in the next, with no obstacles, no curses, just their souls entwined for eternity... Still, he had lived for over 240 years... And she was a young girl who had her whole life in front of her. He had no right to take it away...
"Buffy, I love you too, and more than anything in the whole Universe, Iwant to be with you... But think about all the friends you would leave behind, your mom... Giles... You're so young; you've got your whole life ahead of you and I..."
"Shhh..." she shushed him, lovingly putting a finger across his lips... "It doesn't matter... I'm a Slayer, I was destined to die young... And I'm sure Giles, Willow and the others will understand... I'm sure that they would rather live with the knowledge that I'm happy and loved in death, than still alive and completely miserable... How long 'til sunrise?"
Feeling all his defences break down and entirely at loss for words that might make her change her mind, he took a brief glance at the quickly clearing sky... "Almost twenty minutes..."
She softly took his hands in her own, forcing him to look at her, lust and longing evident on her features... "Since I believe it would hardly matter now... Would you... I mean, would you mind if..." She was now looking at the ground they were sitting on... Her cheeks reddened a little... "I want to take comfort in you too..." she said in almost a whisper...
Angel couldn't help but laugh a little, his pain lessened a little bit by the knowledge that he would soon be forever with his love... "And I want to make love to you... Especially if it's the last thing that I'm allowed to do and remember here on Earth..."
Angel's words made her smile and she slowly brought her lips to his... The kiss was very tender at first... As if both were feeling each other's mouths... Trying to remember how good if felt to be so close, so in love with each other... But slowly, the need overtook them and the kiss grew more passionate, small moans escaping their lips... Reluctantly, Angel's mouth left Buffy's to explore other areas of her body...
As he started undressing her, getting rid of her long coat and shirt, his mouth softly kissed her on the sensitive spot of her neck, nibbling at her ear every now and then... After Angel's hands had worked their way to her bra and unclasped it... Buffy helped him get rid of his coat and then his shirt... He then slowly moved on top of her, kissing her on the mouth, playing with her lower lip, just enjoying the feeling of her warm breasts against his cool chest.
The coolness of Angel's skin against her breasts made her nipples stand even more erect, begging for attention... Noticing this, Angel slowly broke down their kiss and, leaving butterfly kisses on her body all the way down to her left breast, he took the nipple softly in his mouth, suckling on it... "Angel..." Buffy moaned while she felt waves of pleasure pass through her body, the heat between her legs rising... As Angel started to slowly suck on her other breast, she tried to lift her hips against his erection, making him softly groan... Feeling and smelling her arousal was driving him mad... But he still wanted to take things slowly, make it last through the time they both had left... While he kept kissing and suckling on her breasts, he undid her pants and, with her help, took them off... As he kept kissing her stomach and her whole body, his hand tenderly began to stroke her inner thighs, making her writhe underneath him... "Angel please..." Finally, he took pity of her and softly parted her slick folds, dipping two fingers deep inside her...
She cried out softly as he started moving them in and out, clinging to him as she felt her pleasure slowly building... The sigh of his love quickly blushing features, the obliviousness with which she seemed to accept and welcome each of his ministrations, was the more beautiful sight Angel had ever been allowed to witness in his long life... She looked so beautiful, so alive at that moment that it brought silent tears to his eyes... He kissed her mouth again, rubbing her breasts on his chest as she moved in rhythm with his fingers... With his thumb, Angel started to massage her throbbing clit... This was too much for her and her pleasure reached the point of no return within seconds, her body trashing wildly underneath Angel's as he sent her over the edge...
As she slowly came back to her senses, she opened her eyes to see Angel staring at her...
"What?" she asked with a small chuckle...
"You are the most beautiful creature that has ever graced the Earth... You know that?" Angel lovingly asked her...
"No, but you my Angel are surely the most skilled lover that have ever existed"... She replied with a sexy smile...
"Ready for more?" He asked her with his trademark half smile...
"Yes, but before we do I want you to know something..."
"What?"
"I love you..."
Once again, it brought tears to Angel's eyes..."I love you too..."
He brought his lips back to hers as she helped him get rid of his pants... Then, she softly forced him on his back, so she could straddle him... She was sweetly torturing him and enjoyed looking at his dark eyes, silently begging her to ease his ache... In one swift movement, she took all of him deep inside her, causing a low roar to escape his lips... If it was possible, it only served to arouse her even more and she had to start moving before any of them would go mad... She began go move slowly first, trying to remember how good he felt inside her... But it soon became too much and she fastened the pace, much to Angel's pleasure... This time, she tried to focus all her energies on pleasuring him, watching him as he moved in rhythm under her body, his eyes close, his mouth opened a little, moans and roars escaping it every now and then...
She then noticed something and, never breaking their thrusts, she bent down to his ear and whispered "it's ok Angel, I don't mind, you don't have to control it..."
Surprised, his eyes shot opened and he whispered "I love you", before his whole body relaxed and his vampire appearance took over... Feeling his orgasm rising, he softly rolled over so that he could be on top of Buffy... At that moment, she held his yellow gaze locked with hers and, still trying to catch her breath, asked him in a determined yet soft voice "Angel, please, the sun is coming up, I want you to take me now... Don't feel guilty about it, when you're gone, you wouldn't have been able to stop me anyway... So please, just let me die in your arms before you go... Please... I love you so much..."... There were now tears rolling down her cheeks... Angel silently prayed that he would find the strength in himself to do it and, in his most soothing voice whispered to her ear
"I promise Beloved... Just wait for me... I love you"...
"I'll wait, I love you too"... She softly answered...
Angel then started thrusting into her again, their lovemaking quickly reaching a frantic pace... His pelvic rubbing against her hard nub... As he felt their orgasm building, Angel softly started to lick and nibble on her neck... When they were both about to come, Angel whispered a last "I love you" and bit down on her neck, causing them both to come at the same time...
But it didn't stop there... As Angel kept on sucking, their orgasm seemed to last forever... Moans and small cries escaping Buffy's lips, a low roar stuck in Angel's throat... As Angel kept on drinking, this feeling only intensified itself until they both thought they couldn't take it anymore...
But it was so good, so intense... "Oh God... Angel! Don't stop! Don't
ever stop!" Buffy almost screamed at the top of her lungs, although she was quickly weakening... Angel felt as if he had been hit by a lightning! But the feeling was so incredible, so amazing... Her hot blood quickly running down his throat, warming his cool body... Her inner walls rippling wildly around his still hard erection... Bringing them over the edge again and again...
He felt like he was home, alive, it felt so good, all his guilt and pain was gone... He felt at peace, perfectly happy... But the feeling slowly subsided as he heard her heart beat slowing down and her breathing becoming shallower... Although he was tempted to stop, he was intent on keeping his promise and kept on sucking gently, tears falling down his eyes as he did so... He heard Buffy whisper a weak "Thank you" and, moments later, he felt her heart stop, it was over...
Tenderly, he took his mouth off her neck and looked at her now pale face... God, she was so beautiful... Her eyes were closed and she had a soft smile on her lips... She looked so peaceful; he could have sworn that she was only sleeping... Taking their coats, he slowly covered their bodies with them, waiting for the sun to take him to her... He closed his eyes and expected the pain to come, but, to his surprise, all he felt was two arms softly enveloping him, and a soft mouth kissing him on the back of the neck... Opening his eyes again, he turned around to face her, a question written all over his features... She couldn't help but laugh!
"Are you wondering "what happened to the burning sensation and turning to ashes" thing?"...
Angel couldn't help but laugh himself "Well, since you're bringing that up..."
She helped him stand up and said softly "Look over your shoulder".
He did and what he saw startled him... Buffy and him...Or more precisely Buffy's body and his were lying together, covered by their coats, her head against his shoulder and his arm around her waist... "The powers that be felt that you had the right die as a mortal" she explained, while putting her arms around his neck "and not as a monster... Your whole existence has been painful enough as it is".
Looking into her eyes he told her "Thank you"...
She laughed again "For what?"...
"For you..."... And they kissed, light-hearted, knowing that they had eternity ahead of them. As the kiss grew more intense, the whole room around them started to blur and then turned to light... Together, they had finally found their peace.
The End