Christian Griswold
Earth Jam
After the Monstars invaded Earth and started robbing NBA talent, life was truly hung in the balance. Here we had an alien force stealing the worth and value of our idols, heroes, and celebrities. For America, and Earth entirely, it was a terrifying tragedy.
As Michael Jordan and Bugs Bunny stood on the sidelines, they watched the Monstars enthusiastically celebrate on their home court logo. The Tune Squad had been defeated. The Monstars romped and raved, while bouncing and dancing like hooligans, utterly rubbing the victory in the Tune Squad's faces.
Michael Jordan exclaimed, sadly, to Bugs, "We should not have lost. This is ridiculous. I've never lost a championship in my life. This was the championship for Earth." Bugs just shrugged.
The Monstars starting lineup, then consisted of talent from the likes of Shawn Bradley, Patrick Ewing, Charles Barkley, Mugsy Bogues, and Larry Johnson, walked up to the Tune Squad and proudly claimed their victory. The Monstars had only one question for Michael: How do they get into the NBA?
Michael regrettably informed the Monstars that they would only need to pass a health physical, be male, and be of legal age to play in the league. Seeing as how the Monstars were each of legal age, that was not a problem.
When the next NBA draft was announced, the Monstars entered the draft. The five Monstars were taken as the first five picks, in a sweeping surprise, and there was nothing current NBA players could do to combat the talent and size of the Monstars. They dominated every single game. Every single Monstar averaged a triple double, and the league was becoming an embarrassment. It was truly astonishing that an outside, alien world could potentially be so good at the sport, and league, that humans created. Everywhere in America, folks were terrified that this would be the end of sports and humanity as they knew it.
The NBA team that drafted Charles Barkley (in Monstar version), the Seattle Supersonics, ended up winning the NBA championship. Every year following that, the NBA champion was one of the Monstars. That was the case for the next 7 years, and humans were getting sick of it. Not only that, but since the Monstars incredible success, planet Earth had become more and more dense with Nerdlucks (the nationality of the Monstars).
The Nerdlucks were truly disgusting individuals. Each of them were dirty, vile, indiscreet, rude, and generally horrible people to be around. At restaurants, the Nerdlucks would disrespect and abuse waitresses, and would fail to tip every single time. In bars, the Nerdlucks would take up all of the room, and be terribly gross. They would blow nauseating snot rockets on the ground, and it seemed humanity was bound for extinction, because in addition to their general gross nature, the Nerdlucks were also absurdly violent. Nerdlucks, on their home planet, saw murder as a way to resolve conflict. That being said, it is very clear that Nerdlucks were commonly killing humans they had disagreements with. Due to their superior size and strength, there wasn't much humans could do to preserve their life. It was sad and, ultimately, humans fell into the mode of desperation.
Michael Jordan sat at home in Chicago (and sometimes North Carolina) and watched the saddened nature of the human population on television. He couldn't help but feel that he was somehow responsible for the merciless actions that have taken place on Earth since the Monstars defeated his beloved Tune Squad. He vowed to himself, and to his family, that he would rid Earth of the tenacious Monstars. Following that, Jordan called the Tune Squad to a secret meeting inside his home. Of course, he had to restrict his giant bulldog to the computer room.
When the rest of the Tune Squad arrived, they were all very confused.
"What are we doing here, Mike?", Daffy questioned. "We're here, in summation, because if humans are going to survive, we have to eliminate the Monstars from participating in the NBA. That is their single strongest grasp on this planet, and we need to eliminate them from competing, and more importantly, we need to eliminate them from this planet."
The entire Tune Squad lineup agreed that this was a necessity. Humans have dominated and controlled Earth for years. There was no way they were going to allow the Monstars to continue to destroy the great planet and people that they loved. At that moment, Michael Jordan came up with a plan. A plan so brilliant and lovably sacrificial, that it would fall into history forever as the single greatest subtly military plan ever. Michael decided that his talent alone was greater than all of the Monstars' talent combined. The only reason the Monstars had defeated him in the NBA Finals following the big Earth championship game, was because human strength combined with Monstar strength was too great to defeat other teams. He needed the Tunes. He needed his squad.
Michael delegated that he and the best superstars in the league split their talent, and allow the higher athletically Tunes (with the exception of Porky, of course) to accumulate and accept their talent.
Meanwhile, the Monstars sat in a cold, dark basement (the optimal place for a Nerdluck is both cold and dark, like their hearts) celebrating their dominance over the best league in the entire universe. It was at this moment the Monstars finally realized that they were the most supreme basketball players in the world as we know it. They sat, casually, smoking cigars and playing poker. They laughed their evil, sadistic laughs, but had no idea that they were about to have the toughest professional basketball confrontation that they had ever had.
The Monstar version of Mugsy Bogues asked, calmly, "Who's big blind?" The Monstar version of Shawn Bradley proudly, almost condescendingly, announced, "I am. I'm 70 feet, 60 inches tall, I'm always big."
After Mugsy dealt the cards, the news reporter on television announced, "Next on channel 8, see how the Tune Squad is plotting to defeat the Monstars and send them back to their planet!"
Upon hearing that, the Monstars simply laughed. There was no way any talent on Earth, or in cartoon world could possibly defeat the talent of the Monstars. They were simply too big, too fast, too strong, too dominant.
What they didn't know, is that the Tune Squad had the most perfect plan possible.
Michael Jordan had constructed the most effective plan against the Monstars that any human could possibly conjure. One might liken this plan to the Lebron James era of basketball. Yes, he is most certainly the most dynamic player in the world, but without the right pieces in a team game, he has no chance to win a championship against the cream of the crop. That is why Michael's idea to distribute talent was the most successful against the Monstars.
The Monstars called a meeting with the Tune Squad, hoping to intimidate them before the big game. The Monstars asked if the Tune Squad really wanted to follow through with this plan of action. Following the meeting, in which the Tune Squad proudly exclaimed their intention to reclaim Earth, the Monstars began to sweat a little. They were worried. After all, they only lost by one point to Michael Jordan's Tune Squad. They had a precise clear reason to be worried.
One week later, after terms had been negotiated by Don King himself, the Tune Squad and the Monstars met at center court in Chicago, at the United Center. They shook hands, and by shook, it's clear that the Monstars literally shook the Tune Squad's hands. The Monstars size and strength was entirely unmatched.
When the teams stepped on the court, the Monstars had a very strong size advantage. They dominated the first quarter, obliterating the Tune Squad 31-8. It was a teeth clenching display. The Monstars were dunking, shooting, and passing with incredible skill. Nobody on the Tune Squad could compete, not even Bugs Bunny or Michael Jordan, the team's two best players. It looked, at this point, that the Tune Squad and Earth were bound to be forever under the rule of the Monstars, athletically, physically, and personally. Humans everywhere were heartbroken and afraid.
The second quarter wasn't much more promising, as the Monstars went into the half with a 62-31 lead. None the less, it seemed as if the humans' life, and the life of the Tune Squad, was over as they knew it.
As the Tune Squad sulked into the locker room, both Bugs Bunny and Michael Jordan slammed their lockers at the same time. All appeared to be over. They would forever be dominated by the superior athletically Monstars. All hope was lost.
It was at that moment, Porky had an idea. He saw his team dehydrated. He saw Bill Murray chugging water. He saw Michael Jordan taking a chug. He saw Bugs flirting with Lola, which meant he was certainly thirsty. Porky knew exactly what he needed to do. He grabbed a few bottles from the fridge, walked them over to the water fountain, and filled them up. Then he wrote "Kobe's secret stuff" on them. Michael, having great foresight, knew this was a phenomenal idea. He knew what Porky was doing, but he also had faith in the talent of himself and his teammates. His teammates, however, drank all of the "secret stuff." (Kobe was there, but couldn't play, due to a broken finger).
In the second half, the Tune Squad came out aggressively. They were rebounding, scoring, and passing on the champion Monstars as if it was no problem. Soon, they started to cut into the lead the Monstars had, and it was very quick. By the middle of the fourth quarter, they were following the Monstars by a mere 10 points. It was truthfully remarkable to watch. Michael was dunking left and right. Bugs was passing like he never had. Even Porky got a couple of points. Unparalleled events were happening and all of Earth was eagerly, terrifyingly, yet excitedly watching.
The Tune Squad had worked their way to being a measly two points behind the Monstars. The score was 118-116. It was a very intense game. There were only six seconds left when Bugs Bunny inbounded the ball to Michael Jordan. As Michael beautifully dribbled the ball down the floor, the entire human race was on its feet. Michael drove to the right side of the court, while Bugs drove the left, without the ball.
4 seconds left.
Bill Murray set a screen on the small Mugsy Bogues, who was guarding Bugs, and Bugs was suddenly free.
2 seconds left.
Bugs fades to the corner as Michael simultaneously feeds him the basketball. Bugs Bunny has a second to look at the rim, and then he fires.
1 second left.
The ball hangs in the air, for what seems like an eternity. It drives further into the air, as the entire stadium, and all of the players look wondrously toward the sky. As the ball reaches its peak, it starts to fall, slowly, surely, toward the basket.
Bugs misfired. Bugs misfired, but he misfired perfectly, if ever a thing existed. The basketball bounced off the top-left of the box, and fell delicately into the net.
The noise that surrounded and filled the arena cannot be described. It was so true, so loud, so deafening, that everybody in the arena, and everybody within a fifty mile radius, could hear it with crystal clear quality.
Michael, Bill and Bugs all raised their hands, in a triumphant defense of their planet. They celebrated on their home court, on their logo, with their fans, and the human race, and human sports, was saved.
The End.
Following the best game that anybody had ever seen of basketball, the Tune Squad reached unprecedented fame. Bugs Bunny was subsequently endorsed by Nike, with Michael Jordan, and Porky won the Coach-Player of the Year award. Earth was saved. Tune Squad won.