a/n: For Timelord1 for her Birthday.
Disclaimer: I do not own Doctor Who or Star Wars
Everyone Knows Clown's Are Evil
The scent of delectably simmered marinara and freshly baked bread permeated the air of the cozy Italian restaurant at which Rose and the Doctor were enjoying a meal of Chicken Saltimbocca with Linguine. In their dark, intimate booth in the back corner of the restaurant, Rose was giggling and taking a sip of wine when the Doctor suddenly sat upright and cocked his head to the side.
"Something wrong?" she asked.
"I thought I smelled…."
"What? Your super Time Lord Metacrisis senses pick up a bad batch clam sauce?" Rose teased.
He looked at her annoyed. "No, something's off and I don't mean the Fruitti de Mare."
Five people dressed as clowns sat at a table across the room from them. The Doctor pulled out his glasses and stared intently at them.
"Doctor?"
"Rose, uh I don't think they're human," he told her, indicating the new diners.
"Doctor, it's Halloween. Lots of people dress up in costumes. They're probably on their way to a party or maybe they're getting back from a party or something and just stopped off for a bite."
The Doctor looked at her seriously. "The question is, a bite of what or who? Besides, they're clowns Rose."
"Clowns, Right, Rose said to him, nodding her head but not understanding what point the was trying to make.
He rolled his eyes. "Everyone knows clowns are evil," he stated, as if it was a known fact.
Rose sipped her wine again and twirled her fork in the pasta. "Clowns are evil. Okay, so you've had a bad clown experience," she said to him, still trying to understand where all this was coming from.
"Rose, you have to trust me. I've encountered this race before. They're sadistic and a tad bit carnivorous."
Rose stopped with her fork filled with linguine in midair. "You're serious. You want me to call Torchwood?"
He scowled at her. "No, they'll just muck it up," he told her, irritated at her suggestion.
"Doctor, how many times I got to tell you, this Torchwood is different. I can ring up Jake and just have him come by."
"No, we'll handle this one. I'll just stroll over and have a chat with them."
Immediately, Rose became worried. "You sure that's a good idea?" she asked, looking over at the table with the clowns around it . Some had blue hair, some red. Some had happy grins painted on and some sad. All had the shoes that made their feet look extra long which, truth be told, creeped Rose out.
"Yep, I've handled this before. Trust me, it's better this way," he told her, with a charming grin and wink as he stood up and walked over to the clowns. This is the point at which Rose knew everything would go to Hell. She quietly pulled out her mobile and rang Jake as she watched the clowns all turn simultaneously toward the Doctor. She couldn't hear what was being said, but the Doctor was gesturing wildly with his hands and the clowns seemed to tense up. The clowns stood up abruptly causing their chairs to shoot backwards or tip over. Rose watched in horror as one of them brought out what looked like a giant toy water gun, but somehow she didn't think it had water in it. She heard the Doctor say quite loudly, "No, no, no. There's no need for that." One of the clowns opened its very large mouth filled with very sharp teeth.
"Shit. Jake get here fast," she shouted in the phone, and rang off pocketing the phone as she got up from the table to back up the Doctor. Several diners in the restaurant stared in horror as the clown confrontation escalated.
"Now, let's everyone calm down. I'm sure we can work this out," the Doctor said, quite loudly. The clowns shouted something in some language Rose didn't understand. The Doctor ducked just as the clown fired his weapon which shot out a bright orange slime which hit the wall next some diners. The woman nearest to it screamed and a foul stench filled the restaurant. The smell was almost overwhelming and Rose shouted out, "Everyone out now!" There was a mad stampede of diners running as the Doctor overturned a table and hid behind it as the clowns fired the slime gun. Rose ducked under a table near the Doctor.
"Doctor, you all right? What is that stuff?"
He looked over to where Rose was hiding. "Oh I'm fine, just dandy really if you don't count the evil clowns trying to kill me. Don't let that slime touch you. It's made from their digestive enzymes and it's a bit corrosive."
Rose made a face. "That's just eww. What do they want?"
"Oh you know the usual, stop by Earth, wreak a little havoc, have a bite to eat, blow up London."
Several more streams of slime shot by and the smell was truly starting to make Rose ill. She started coughing. "And, they just happened to stop by for an Italian meal?"
"Yes, but not the way you're thinking. Umm, they may have wanted to eat the actual Italian, not the meal. They have a bit of thing for garlic and oregano."
The cooking staff, wielding pots and pans, burst out into the dining area and stared in shock at the clowns, all of whom turned and looked at them. One screeched and made his way toward the three cooks. Rose popped her head out from under the table and shouted out, "Oi, killer clowns here! Run!" The cooks stared in horror and pelted the clowns with their pots and pans before running out the front of the restaurant. While the clowns were preoccupied with the cooks, the Doctor grabbed a bottle of red wine, carbonated water and a salt shaker and ducked under the table with rose.
"What are you doin?" Rose asked?
I'm making sodium bicarbonate. It'll neutralize the enzyme in the gastric slime. The Doctor took the wine bottle out of its cooler and dumped everything in, madly mixing it together, when all of a sudden, the table was lifted up and tossed aside by the evil clowns. Rose and the Doctor looked up and the Doctor swore softly as he grasped Rose's hand. The Clowns opened up their mouths and Rose found herself gazing in horror at row after row of sharp, pointy teeth. The Doctor flung the bucket filled with his concoction at the clowns opened mouths. The clowns choked on the mixture which only seemed to make them angrier as Rose and the Doctor tried to scoot away. The front door to the restaurant banged open and Jake, dressed in his Halloween costume, marched into the room.
"Hey you evil clown bastards! Come get some of me!" he shouted at them, and pulled out his Torchwood firearm and pulled the trigger shooting off several rounds at the clowns. The clowns, mouths still open turned to Jake as if the bullets didn't even hit them. Jake swore and looked at Rose the Doctor who had run over to stand next to him. The Doctor turned to him.
"What the hell was that! How many times have I told you no guns! Now look, they're angry. We have angry, carnivorous, evil clowns!"
"Right, cause they weren't already ticked at you earlier, especially after you threw that bicarbonate stuff at em" Rose said, glaring at the Doctor. The clowns howled in rage starting to come towards them.
Jake turned toward the Doctor. "Now what do we do?"
The Doctor looked at Jake. "What are you suppose to be exactly," he asked scratching his head staring at Jake dressed in all in a white tunic, white cotton slacks, brown boots with a thick brown belt around his middle.
"It's Halloween. I'm a Jedi," he said, and stood up a bit straighter.
"A Jedi? So that thing on your side is supposed to be what, a light saber?"
"Doctor, evil clowns with sharp teeth," Rose reminded him, and turned back to the clowns who were getting closer and snarling at them. The Doctor plucked the light saber from Jake's side and it flashed on. The Doctor's eyes widened in excitement and he wielded it back and forth in front him and looked at Jake.
"It doesn't cut anything really. Dr. Taylor had this tech that fell out of the rift and he played around with it one day just to see if it would work. I borrowed it for tonight is all," Jake told him, and crossed his arms daring anyone to say anything.
"But it's brilliant!" the Doctor said in wonder, almost mesmerized by it. He looked up at the clowns and smirked. He pulled out his sonic and aimed it at the light saber. The color of the beam fluctuated and became a more definite shade of blue. Jake's mouth opened a bit and then he looked at the Doctor. The two of them shared a knowing look as the Doctor slashed the light saber through the air and neatly sliced through a nearby chair. Both he and Jake laughed with glee while Rose shook her head. "Blimey, I'm stuck with a couple of fan boys playing Star Wars while evil clowns are about to eat us," she murmured, sarcastically.
Jake and the Doctor looked at the oncoming clowns. The Doctor presented the light saber to Jake. "May the force be with you Obi Wan," he said, and picked up a piece of the chair to use as a club. Jake grinned, looked at the clowns and walked toward them starting to hack and slash his way through them as they attacked. Rose grabbed a bottle of wine and smashed it over one clowns head while the Doctor hit one across the middle with a chair. The battle was over quickly as Jake stood in the middle of the hacked up bodies of the killer clowns. The three of them looked at each other and started giggling which turned into roaring laughter.
Jake disarmed the light saber and was about to put it back on his side when the Doctor grabbed it. "Oh, I think I'll just take care of that, Jakey my boy." Jake looked very disappointed. A Torchwood team walked into the restaurant and stared at the three of them. The Doctor quickly pocketed the light saber and Rose stepped forward and ordered a clean up of the area as a picture fell off the wall of the decimated restaurant.
"How about we hit that new cupcake bakery for dessert?" the Doctor said, as he grabbed Rose's hand and made his way through the rubble of the destroyed restaurant.
"Okay, as long as there's not going to be any, I dunno, sadistic acrobats or jugglers."
"No worries, after all, the force is with us tonight," he told he,r patting his pocket as they walked down the street hand in hand.