A/N- Hey, guys, so this is another attempt in the CSI fandom. Please read and review it! It's in Sara's POV. Thanks in advance!
Disclaimer- Ally doesn't own CSI. At least, that's what the voices inside her head told her.
What if.
I play that game over and over again in my head.
What if my father was loving? What if he had never even laid a hand on my mother and I? What if he'd never even sipped that damn vodka, the drink that turned him. What if I'd never been born?
This game always just went on forever, until I'd finally fall asleep, or just give up trying. I just had to absorb myself in my work, so that these horrible questions would never come up.
When my boyfriend tell me that I'm the other women, or Catherine asks me why I go off the deep end every time there's a case with even a hint of domestic violence, the game just starts all over again.
What if… what if I had known about Elaine all along? Would I be the same person, would Hank have still dumped me? What if I'd never even mentioned my past to Grissom, would he still love me like he does now, would he be so understanding?
What else could have happened, who else could it have possibly happened with, when could it have happened. Questions that play over and over again in my head, like a broken record.
And the saddest part is, I won't ever know. Not ever, unless something like It's A Wonderful Life happens, and, being the field of forensic science, I honestly doubt that will ever happen. It's just a pointless, meaningless game.
Yet so addicting.
It can, and usually will go on for hours- I'll fall asleep or get lab results or a phone call to make it stop.
Ever wondered why I drink so much coffee?
It keeps me up at night, it consumes me anytime I'm trying to think normally. I can't tell you how many tears I've tasted just playing this one game.
I've always wondered how the hell life manages to choose the right way. How much is decided by free will? There's just so many different options.
Then, of course, there's the if only game. Look back and regret the things you've done, while doing things that you'll just regret in the future. God, I hate it.
And once you start, there's almost no turning back.
These are two of the most addicting mind games ever played. Easiest to start, like cigarettes, yet so hard to stop. And there's not even gum or patches to help you, you're completely on your own.
You just have to look back at things that could have been, and BAM! You're addicted.
There are even rules- some that I've made up while giving up on sleep.
-Look back.
-Wonder about everything, all what could have been.
-Regret what you've done
-Wonder why, how, who, what, when, where.
-List what could have happened
-Get furious at yourself
-Possibly just cry yourself to sleep, that occasionally works.
If only I could just stop.
Nick's voice suddenly cuts through my thoughts, snapping me back to reality.
"What about you, Sar? What do you wonder about?"
I notice Grissom lingering out in the hall, watching me from the doorway, his blue-grey eyes burning windows in to my soul.
"I don't play the what if game, Nick."
There's a brick wall between myself and all the other team members, and a thin glass layer between Grissom and I, waiting to shatter at any moment now.
A/N- Please review, I'd love any kind at all. Constructive criticism, praise… just not flames, please, but if you must, please be at least a little nice! Thank you for reading!
And I will try as hard as I can to review all my reviewers stories back, unless I don't watch the shows that they write for.