For Always
By
Tracy Wood
Disclaimer: This is a work of fan-fiction, written, and hopefully read, strictly for enjoyment. The main characters of Mark, Steve, Amanda, and Jesse, as well as Alex, Cheryl, CJ, Dion, Captain Newman and Chief Masters are from the series Diagnosis Murder, and as such are the property of CBS/Viacom. All other characters, especially Detective Reagan Yeager, her family, Jo/Texas Walters, Martin Robertson, Officer Campbell and Doctor Wil Collins are mine.
Part One
The first part of this story takes place in the present and the past. A lot has happened over the last twelve months, and as day-to-day life continues, the memories return to the surface and are discussed and pondered, before being returned to where they belong.
Twelve Months Ago & The Present Day
The Present Day
Mark stretched in his bed and peered myopically at the clock beside him. "Five past seven, on my day off, and I am gonna be getting up. Still it'll be a good day." Mark got out of bed and wandered across the room. He saw himself in the mirror and stopped. "Well, you said open house, and then worked a late shift so nothing is ready, of course you have to get up at seven." Mark stared at his reflection, and then thinking of Rae with a smile stuck his tongue out. "What are you my conscience now?" He headed towards the shower room, his mind still working. It would be nice to have people around the place again. It had been mighty quiet here since Steve had practically moved into Jo's place. Not that he minded really, a man Steve's age should be making plans for his future. Mark turned the radio on and went to have his shower.
Ten minutes later he emerged, cleaner, brighter, and in definite need of a haircut. He sat on the end of the bed and began to remember the conversation that had given him the idea for the open house in the first place.
He had been sitting in the doctor's lounge at Community General, his first cup of coffee of the day on the table in front of him when Jesse had come in.
"Hey, Mark, how are you today? It's a great day isn't it?"
"Well, you are very chirpy this morning, I guess you got another full night's sleep, huh?"
"Oh yeah!" Jesse grinned. "You know there should be some kind of warning system, which says to you, just before you drop off to sleep, by the way your baby's gonna sleep all night, so enjoy your rest, then I would appreciate it much more."
As Mark went to reply the door opened again and Steve and Rae came in. "Well well, and who is this ravishing looking doctor?" Rae saw Jesse begin to smile and so she ignored him completely and moved over towards Mark. "Where have you been hiding all my life?"
"Crushed, I'm crushed." Jesse tried to look upset, but he was enjoying the moment too much for that.
"This is nice, we don't seem to see each other nearly as much as we used to. How's everybody been?" Mark looked around at three of his closest friends, and as he did so he saw Amanda and Alex walking together down the hallway towards them. Alex opened the door and let Amanda through.
"Hi guys, this is nice." Amanda smiled.
"I just said that. Y'know we ought to do this again, but properly."
"How d'you mean, Dad?" Steve drained the drink of water he had got for himself. "Sorry, Rae did you want a drink?"
"No, I'm fine thank you." She smiled at her partner.
"How about if I have an open house at the beach, let me think, when am I off next?" Mark paused for a moment going over his shifts in his mind. "Next Saturday, I will have an open house, next Saturday afternoon, I'll let Cheryl and Martin and a few other people from the hospital know as well, and then you can just come and go as you please, and we can have a barbeque in the evening, what do you think?"
"It sounds great, Dad, and I'm sure that Michael will help you if you like."
"Jesse? Are you working that day?"
"No, not exactly. I'm on a late shift Friday night into Saturday morning. I could go home grab a couple of hours and we could get there about four to five, would that be ok?"
"Well, I think, I'm finishing nights on the Friday, so yeah, count me in." Alex sounded excited already.
"Dad, I have no idea what we will be doing, but we will get there, right Rae?"
"Oh yeah, no problem. I wouldn't miss it."
"Well, we came to get an autopsy report, Amanda, do you have the details we wanted?" Steve looked across at the medical examiner who had stood up as she heard his words.
"What, it takes two of you to get one autopsy report on a cut and dried suicide? I guess that's where our tax dollars are going." Amanda was grinning as she spoke; the atmosphere was happy and relaxed for a change.
"No, it takes two of us, because one of us had to get breakfast and guess where he chose?" Rae smiled and moved over to her friend. "I haven't seen you in ages, I'll walk down with you and we can chat. Steve I'll meet you in the car." Rae went towards the door then she smiled and came back into the room, moved over towards Jesse and kissed him gently on the lips. Before he could say or do anything she was gone.
Mark laughed to himself; she sure had the ability to wrong foot people. He carried on thinking. The open house had become the favourite topic of conversation, well almost the favourite. Once everybody had realised that on the day of the party it would be exactly a year since Rae and Jesse had been discharged from the hospital, after their encounter with Levington, it seemed that memories had been fighting to get to the surface. Mark knew that both Jesse and Steve had been going over things in their mind, and they had told him that Rae and Jo were the same.
As Mark sat there he began to put his recollections in order in his mind. A lot had changed over the last twelve months, and he guessed that everybody had the same memories but with the emphasis on different parts of the year. He had been lucky; most of his reminiscences were happy ones, but he knew that some of his friends would have a different slant on what had occurred. Mark got up and moved over to his mirror. He had sat there too long, and now his hair was sticking up and he bore more than a passing resemblance to Einstein. He began to pass the comb through his hair trying to get it a little neater, and as he did so he wondered what memories Jesse would choose to highlight the highs and lows of his year.
If Mark thought back to the beginning of this year of change, then it was Jesse who came to mind first. He had been so ill, and everybody had been so worried about him, but he was a strong willed young man, and he had needed to be. Life had dealt him some rough blows around that time.
As Mark was just starting his day Jesse sat quietly in the nursery of his new home, his baby in his arms. He looked down at the little sleeping face before him and smiled a contented smile. Then he stood, slowly, and moved over towards the crib. He gently laid the child down and once the blanket was in position he moved back over and made himself comfortable in the rocker once more.
He liked to spend time here, just sitting and watching. Enjoying the baby smell before it disappeared, taking the precious moments and locking them away in his heart forever. Seven months, he had been a daddy for seven months, and finally life seemed to have quietened down a little. Jesse checked his watch, it was still very early in the morning, he had nowhere to go and nothing to do, well apart from go to bed, but this was way better than that, which given the hectic nature of his life couldn't be bad. He let his mind wander backwards over the last year. So many things had happened, and been turned over and over again that he knew all the conversations, from everybody's point of view, all the discussions, everybody's hopes and fears by heart. But until now he hadn't had a chance to consider them and what they meant for him.
Jesse remembered waking up in the hospital a few days after his operation. That had been the start of things. The beginning of a period of time that had been full of heartache and happiness, as well as some painful and powerful times too.
Twelve Months Ago"Jesse? Honey, can you hear me?" Jesse opened his eyes slowly, and fearfully he turned towards the noise. He could see another bed right up close to his own, and there she was, sitting up in the bed smiling at him.
"Rae… Oh, Rae, you are here, I thought maybe I dreamt it." Jesse fought to keep the tears in, but it was a losing battle.
"Shhh. Don't cry, it's alright. I am here, and this time I'm not going anywhere, not until you can come with me." He had lay there and slowly he began to relax as he felt Rae's hand holding his, a feeling he had though never to experience again. "Mark will be here soon, so that he can see how you're doing today. Then maybe you can sit in a wheelchair and come with me, on a little visit this afternoon."
"Where, where are you going? You're not going home are you?" Jesse's face showed his panic for a second and then he felt Rae's other hand on top of his own.
"No, remember, I'm not going anywhere until you can come with me." Rae slid out of bed and moved closer to him, then she leant over and kissed him, gently at first, on the lips, but soon she was kissing him with so much need that it scared him.
"Whoah, where did that come from?" Jesse smiled nervously at her.
"I have no idea, wanna go visit again?"
"Hey, I'm a sick man remember."
Rae smiled at him and then hearing a knock on the door turned to see Mark standing, smiling in the entrance.
"Well, I see that the both of you are wide awake and perky this morning!" He moved into the room, "Rae, honey, I just need to have Jesse to myself for a little while. Maybe you could go visit with Steve?"
"Sure, Mark, that's no problem." Rae grabbed the robe from the end of her bed and slipped her feet into her slippers, then, blowing a kiss in Jesse's direction she padded across the hallway to see her partner before he was discharged.
The Present Day
Jesse smiled as he sat in the rocker. The tests that Mark had carried out that morning had shown that he had been incredibly lucky and that the bullet had done no lasting damage. All he'd had to do was recover from the beating he'd received from Levington and let his wound heal, and physically he had been fine again. A frown passed across his features as he thought about the mental scars and he pushed the thoughts away, the afternoon after Mark had examined him contained one of his favourite memories, he would far rather think about that.
Twelve Months Ago
Mark had gradually raised his bed little by little all morning, and by midday he was able to sit up without the room swimming violently round and making him feel as if he was about to revisit his breakfast. Rae and Jesse had eaten their lunch together, they kept looking up at each other, and in the end they had both looked up at the same moment and burst into laughter.
Rae had refused to tell him where she was going for her visit, but at two sharp Alex and Jo had arrived pushing two wheelchairs. Very gently they had helped him into his chair, and this time the room really did swim. "Oh, man, let me sit down." He had let out a sigh of relief as he had felt the safety of the chair underneath him. "This had better be a good visit, because that was awful."
The three of them had just looked at him and smiled, and Jesse had known that whatever it was it would be worthwhile.
They had held hands all the way down the hallway, and with his knowledge of the hospital he had realised where they were going long before they got there. But he had kept his face as neutral as he could so as not to spoil the surprise for Rae and soon they were in the maternity wing, and she was lying on her back, waiting for the ultrasound scan to begin.
They had both tightened their grip on each other's hand at the same time as the view came up on the monitor, and then they had seen a tiny little heart beating away, and a backbone curling round just as it should. Although they had both been so scared, once the picture was up on the screen neither of them had wanted to leave. But, with a set of photos of the scan in their possession, Alex and Jo had finally persuaded them to return to their room.
The Present Day
The frown returned to Jesse's face as he remembered what had happened next. They had spent a quiet evening almost alone, with just the hospital staff checking on their progress at regular intervals. Steve had been released back into Jo's tender care, and so they had sat, their beds next to each other, their hands just touching, not needing anybody, or anything, else. Jesse had fallen asleep quickly and easily, but it hadn't been so for Rae. He remembered it as if it was yesterday, mainly because it had made him realise just how traumatised she really was. After she had finally woken up Rae had told him what the dream had consisted of, and now he was able to see both the mental and physical aspects of the nightmare in his mind.
Twelve Months Ago
Jesse had been woken by the sound of someone struggling for breath, and it had taken him a moment not only to realise where he was, but also that it was Rae who was in trouble. He had pressed the buzzer and then pulled on the light to see that she was in the throes of a nightmare that had her deep in its clutches.
"No, don't touch me, please, don't touch me!" Rae could see a figure coming towards her, a scarf in its hands. As she moved back she felt herself begin to fall, putting her arms out to save herself.
The voice that came out of the shadows was deep and dark and chilled her to the bone. "You are mine, do you think anybody else will want you now? Look at you, your doctor friend won't be so loving when he knows what you have been doing here in this house."
Rae had tried to fight back. She was no longer falling; she was standing in her own apartment, her long hair tumbling over her shoulders as she stood, naked and cold before him. "He'll love me again and take me back, he will."
Jesse had heard her call out again, but the words had made no sense to him. "Love me, take me." Then once again the choking had begun.
Suddenly the hair that had only fallen to her shoulders began to move and grow and Rae had felt it around her neck, getting tighter and tighter, "No, Jesse, I'm so…" She felt herself falling once again, and pulling at the hair around her throat she knew she couldn't fight any more.
The alarms on the monitor next to Rae's bed had begun to scream out. It was the second night running that the dream had taken such a hold of her that in her terror her heart had begun beating wildly and the fear had gripped her so tightly that he was unable to get her free.
Alex had come rushing into the room; he had been in the sleep room, not daring to leave her completely after she had been so panic stricken the night before. It had been Alex who had suggested having Rae wired up at night, so that they could see the effects her nightmares were having on her. They were so deep and so traumatic for her that it had worried both Jesse and him that they had been unable to wake her the night before. It had taken him a long time to get her back to them again this time and both Alex and Jesse felt that they had aged another ten years during the process.
Rae had been too frightened to go back to sleep, and she refused to let Alex sedate her, so Jesse had left the light on and suggested that he move over into her bed so that they could lie together. With a little assistance that was what they had done and this time when Rae had dropped back to sleep nothing had happened, but he had spent the rest of the night watching her chest as it rose and fell, and the blips as they moved across the screen, never daring to shut his eyes himself, terrified that if he did the machine would scream again and he would find himself in his waking nightmare once more.
They had spent the next seven nights that way, and Jesse knew that he must have had some sleep or he would have been completely nuts by the time that Mark and Alex had decided that they could both leave. Rae had been visited by her demons, but never in such a terrifying way when he had been with her, and she had made an appointment to visit with Brian before she was discharged.
He had wanted to go with her to see Doctor Dobson, so Rae had pushed him down in his chair so that he could wait with Helen while she was inside.
The bell had pinged as the elevator stopped on the fifth floor and Rae had slowly pushed Jesse out into an area of the hospital that they both knew very well.
"Good morning Detective Yeager, Doctor Travis, how are you both feeling today?" Helen smiled at them and held her hand out towards Rae.
"Please, call us Rae and Jesse, after all, we're becoming more and more regular visitors by the day." Jesse had smiled as he spoke and Helen had nodded.
"Ok, if that's all right by you, I'll be pleased to do so. Rae, Doctor Dobson is waiting for you, you can go straight in." Helen had opened the door for her as she spoke.
He had felt Rae take a deep breath before she replied. "Thank you, Helen. Honey, I have no idea how long I'll be, but if you get fed up and want to go visit with Mark or Amanda I'll find you, ok?"
"I'll leave a note if I do, but I don't plan on being anywhere but here when you come out."
Then he and Helen had watched as Rae had walked painfully over, knocked on the door and entered the room.
The Present Day
Jesse looked up with a smile as he heard a sound and saw Rae standing in the doorway of the nursery. "Hey, are you coming back to bed? It's getting cold in there." Rae had worked all night, only getting in just over an hour ago.
"Well, you could always put the wall heater on, but yeah, I'll come back. I'm going over memories and I could do with the company."
They walked back into their own room and snuggled down together. "What were you thinking about?"
"When we were both in the hospital, I was just remembering when you went to see Brian, and I waited outside for you. You told me some of what happened, do you remember when I mean?"
Rae nodded. The memories no longer scared her, and she could let them loose safe in the knowledge that she would be able to send them back to where they should be any time.
Twelve Months Ago
"Rae, come right in and sit down." Brian had stood up as she entered and moved over towards her.
"Thank you, and thank you for seeing me before I go home. I know that you came up and saw me every day, and I'm so sorry that I didn't respond to you, but I just couldn't."
Brian had smiled then. "I know. You had to speak to the Lieutenant before you could speak to anyone else. Do you know why that is always the case?"
Rae had nodded. She'd thought long and hard about it and she knew now that she had it worked out.
"Can you tell me?"
"Yes, I think so, but if it makes no sense you will have to let me know and I will try to explain it again." Rae ran her fingers through her hair, and for an instant her dream came up in front of her eyes, and she gasped.
"Rae, are you all right?" Brian was at once concerned and it showed in his face.
"Yeah, sorry." Rae knew that she would have to get rid of the hair; she couldn't cope with it any longer. "I think that the reason I have to speak to Steve before anyone else is because I know that he loves me, it is unconditional, I know that he will always be there for me, but not in the same way as Jesse. I can hurt Jesse, with what I say or what I do, but Steve, it's not the same with him. Does that make sense?"
"Maybe. Do you tell Steve things that you don't feel able to tell Jesse? Or do you tell Jesse that you have told private and personal things to Steve? I was under the impression that they were best friends, as well as business partners."
"They are, and yes, Jesse knows everything that I have told Steve, but maybe not all the details."
"I know about when you had to tell him about your throat, the first time that Phillip Levington tried to take you. Did you tell Jesse what happened that day? He was still in the ICU then wasn't he?"
Rae thought for a moment. She realised that she hadn't told Jesse what had happened. Neither had she told him about how she had been unable this time to talk to anyone until she had spoken to Steve first. "No, I didn't tell him. I didn't tell him at all."
"So what you said is untrue. You don't tell Jesse everything that you tell Steve. Why is that do you think?"
Rae could feel hot tears spring to her eyes, and she rubbed at them. She didn't know why they were there, unless they belonged to the feeling of guilt that was swamping her. "I don't know."
"Have you told Jesse anything that happened this time with Phillip Levington?"
"No! No, I haven't, not yet. He was so ill, and I wouldn't have been able to, not until…" She stopped talking as she realised what she had been about to say.
"Rae, who is your best friend?" Rae had been surprised at his question, and she could tell Brian realised that.
"Texas is, why?" She saw a look of confusion on his face. "Sorry, Jo, Steve's girlfriend. I call her Texas. When, when I came round after Donovan did, well you know what he did, I couldn't remember her, and she described herself to me, as Steve's girlfriend from Texas, only I forgot the from, and I thought that was her name. I have called her that ever since."
"But you don't tell her these things?"
Rae shook her head. "No. I tell Steve, because I know he won't judge me, he'll listen, and help and then he'll put the knowledge away and unless I mention it I know it's safe and sound with him. I trust him."
"Do you trust Jesse?"
"Yes, of course I do. I love him."
"I know you do, but I didn't ask you that. Do you trust him?"
"Yes, yes I do. But I don't want to hurt him. Steve doesn't love me in the same way that Jesse does, and I know that if I tell him some of the things that have happened to me, it could destroy him." Rae had run her fingers through her hair again. But Brian had noticed that she pulled her fingers out before they touched the long false tresses that fell down her back.
"How can I tell him that I was tied to a bed and raped? What do you think that will do to him?" The tears in her eyes escaped this time and slowly ran down her face. She took a deep breath and dared any more to follow the four that had already finished their journey.
"And if you don't tell him, and he finds out from someone else, what do you think that will do to him? If it had been you left in the apartment, and Jesse taken, wouldn't you want to know what had happened, so that you could help him heal? Don't you want to know why he tried to kill himself? So that you can help him get over it?"
Rae mutely shook her head. Then she began to speak. "Yes, I do want to know what happened, in his words, in fact it is more than that, I need to know. I can't be myself with him until I do."
"And can you relate that to how you think he will be feeling right now. And I do mean right now, as he is sitting out there, wondering what you are telling me in here. Will you share this with him when you get home? Or will you keep it in until you get a chance to speak to Steve? And then will it be stored away, never to be mentioned again? That isn't healthy, Detective, and I think you know that."
Rae had turned away from his accusing eyes. "And if I tell him and he walks away from me, then what do I do?"
"Well, you will still have the Lieutenant, won't you?" Rae had flinched at his words. "But do you really think he will walk away? He thought you were dead, and so he tried to kill himself. That is not the action of someone who is going to up and leave the one person whose life he values more than his own. I think you are doing him a great injustice, but I also think that you are doing yourself a disservice. He can help you, just as much, if not more than either myself or Steve Sloan, if you will let him."
"But that… that bastard raped me, I am carrying Jesse's baby and he raped me! How will he ever be able to touch me again, be able to make love to me again? How will I ever be able to let him if I know that he knows everything?"
"I don't know, not yet. This is our first proper session on this. I need to know that you have a strong back up network to help you deal with the fallout from these sessions, because there will be fallout. But Jesse is the main person in your life. If you can't share this with him, then it will take a lot longer for you to begin to accept and hopefully recover from what happened to you. You need to talk to him."
Rae's voice had come out as a whisper. "Yes, I know I do. And I will. We are going to stay at Texas's house until we are confident enough to be by ourselves. There are enough rooms there for the whole of LA to talk privately, I promise I will talk to him either tonight or tomorrow, depending on how tired he is."
"And when you have done so, I want you to call me. Day or night, you have all my numbers. Or if you think you can wait until our next session then do so." Brian was looking at his diary as he spoke. "I think we need to meet every other day to start with. It will be traumatic and you will need time to get over what happens here, but not too long or things will begin to fester away inside of you." Brian had paused then. "Now, I think you had better get ready to face the outside world. Do you think you can do that?"
Rae had felt a wave of panic and fear pass through her as Brian spoke those words. "I don't know, but I do know that I want to get away from here. Once I get to Texas's place, I will be ok. Steve will be there, and Michael. We will be safe there." Rae hadn't realised that she had her hands over her stomach as she spoke, but Brian could see that she was protecting her child from harm.
"Rae, Steve may be there, but so will Jesse. He is the one you need to talk to, for both your sakes, remember that. Ok, tomorrow you rest, and then I will see you the day after that. I have cleared ten until twelve every other day for you. If we don't use all the time that is fine, if we go over a little bit then I will have a short lunch. We will go with the flow, and, Rae…"
"Yes, Sir?"
"We will get there, if you know where you want to go, we will get there."
"I just want to be a good mom to my baby, be able to care for it when it's born, and to spend the rest of my life with Jesse. That's all."
"Then that's what we will be aiming for." Brian held his hand out and Rae came and shook it. She had wanted him to reassure her some more, but knew that he couldn't. The reassurance she needed would come from within herself, and from within Jesse. She needed to know that he would still love her, despite what had happened to her, and if that didn't come about then she had a feeling that he would never be able to do as he had said.
The Present Day
Rae shuddered, and felt Jesse's hand on her arm. "Rae, honey are you ok?"
"Yeah, sorry, there were some rough sessions there, I don't think I want to dwell on them, do you?"
Jesse leant over and picked up the glass of water that was on the nightstand. There had been some long hard sessions with Brian Dobson, not just for Rae, but for himself too. He had been for his first visit three days after Rae and it had been a very difficult hour.
Twelve Months Ago
Jesse sat where he knew Rae had just the day before and looked at the man across the desk. They had shaken hands when he entered, and now he sat there not knowing what to say to get his meeting started, so he looked at his hands and waited, hoping that Brian would say something to help him along.
"What are you feeling right at this moment, Jesse?"
He had smiled. "A little awkward. I don't really know what to say, what you expect me to say. I'm not used to feeling like that."
"Why do you think I expect you to say anything?"
"Well… because that is why I am here, isn't it? To talk over my problems, and to try to see things in such a way that I can carry on with my life. Get my career back on track, be a good dad and partner. Get the demon off my back."
"Do you have demons on your back?"
"No, not demons, just one demon. The face I see when I shut my eyes or when I catch Rae in an unguarded moment and see her terror. It's stopping me going back to my apartment building to pick up my clothes, or any of the things in Rae's place, it's taking over my life, and I want it to go away."
"But surely you have a good reason to feel that way about this particular demon. He did terrible things to you and to Rae. He made you do a terrible thing to yourself. He almost destroyed everything that you hold dear."
"Yes, I know that, and I know that he is gone, behind bars and that he can't hurt us any more, but it doesn't help. And when I think of what he did to Rae I just want to kill him… and that frightens me even more."
"What did he do to Rae that makes you feel that way?" Jesse could tell that Brian was interested to hear what Rae had told him. He had talked with Rae the day before and knew that they had spoken together about it, Jesse knew that Brian had heard her version of events in their meeting the day before, but she had been the victim, and sometimes it was worse for the person who had been unable to do anything to stop it from happening.
"You know what he did."
"Yes I do, but I want to hear you tell me what he did. I want you to let me know how you feel about it."
Jesse could feel his rage building, and he knew that he was going to have to let it out or it would ultimately destroy him. "He took her… he took her from me… from right under my nose and there was nothing I could do to stop him. At the time I wasn't able to do anything, he, he neutralised me I guess. But then I would come round, just for a while and I would realise that I had failed her, that he had just come and claimed her and I had let her down."
He stopped talking as his grief welled up inside him and then after a moment or two began again. "I knew what he would do to her… I'm no fool and I have treated women who have been the victims of sex offenders… and I was scared for her. She is carrying our child, and I just knew that if he found out… he would kill her. But until last night I didn't know how bad it had really been for her."
"In what way? You said that you knew what he would do, how do you mean?"
"I knew he would… he would…" he took a deep breath. "I knew he would rape her, and probably beat her, but he married her, he drugged her and he tied her up before he… he took her, or hurt her. How could anyone do that? She said that he would hit her and hit her until she couldn't stand and then tell her that he loved her… Oh God, Rae… I am so sorry, I'm so sorry that I was so weak that I couldn't save you." Jesse couldn't speak any more and he knew that there had been a possibility he wouldn't be able to say anything more this session. His shoulders were heaving violently and great sobs were escaping from him as he let some of his despair and feelings of helplessness out, but he desperately wanted to carry on, he needed to talk this through now. Brian must have moved round the desk so that he was closer to him, but he had been completely unaware of him.
The Present Day
Jesse felt tears pricking at his eyes as he remembered that awful session. He felt Rae's arm go around his shoulders, but she said nothing. He had cried that day for what had seemed like forever, but was probably about ten minutes at the most, before he had even felt remotely like getting any control over himself again. He had thought that the session would end then, but as he sat there, trying to regain some of his composure Brian had looked at him and smiled. Then he had sat on the edge of the desk and asked him just one more question. He could still remember it, and the way he had made him feel. Brian had said 'Why do you think you were weak?' It had opened a floodgate of a different kind.
Twelve Months Ago
"Why? Because I let that creep take Rae away from me, and I did nothing about it, I should have been able to protect her and I didn't."
"I see. And you knew, of course, that Levington was free, and so you had taken all sorts of precautions to protect yourselves. Or had you just decided that he wouldn't be coming back and were just getting on with your lives without any worries about what he might do to you?"
"No, no, it wasn't like that. We didn't know he was free."
"Mmm. And he had you handcuffed, gagged and blindfolded, but you should still have been able to save her shouldn't you."
"I shouldn't have let him do that to me."
"What would have happened if you had fought back?" Brian hadn't moved an inch since he had asked the first question.
"He would have shot her."
"I beg your pardon?" Now Brian did move, he leant forward. "I didn't catch that, could you repeat it."
"He would have shot her."
"Again. Louder."
"He Would Have Shot Her."
"Not loud enough. What would he have done?"
"HE WOULD HAVE SHOT HER."
"He would have shot her. But he didn't. Because you acquiesced and she was taken. If you had fought back she would have been lost, forever, for nothing. And we would be sat here now, and I would be trying to make your life worth living without her, or would I? What happened when you thought she was gone, that she had been found dead already."
Jesse looked down; suddenly his feet seemed very interesting. "I took an overdose."
"Look at me, Doctor. Your actions saved her life. She went through hell because she was still alive, and we have to get over that for both of you, but she is alive to deal with it. You both have a baby on the way, a chance to be the family you planned to be. If you had gone all gung ho on Levington, Rae would be dead, and most likely so would you, and, of course, your child. But you didn't, and the three of you are still here, still fighting, still waking up each morning to get a little better, to get a little stronger. Think about it Jesse, think about it until our next session, and then tell me how you feel."
Jesse hadn't said anything; he had no words to use. He had just got silently to his feet, shaken Brian's hand and left the room. He had walked down to the lobby, out into the parking lot, into the cab that had been waiting there for him and gone home to Rae. He hadn't said a word all the way to Texas's house, and had paid the fare in silence. When Michael had opened the door to him the manservant had looked at him, and without batting an eye had said, "Miss Reagan is in the bedroom, Sir."
Jesse had opened the door and just stood there. Rae had been lying on the bed, her 'hot dog' on her lap staring out into nowhere. She had been to the hairdressers with Jo and her hair was back to being short and brown. He had looked at her for about thirty seconds before she had realised that he was there swung her legs off the bed and stood to greet him. He had rushed over to her and the tears had begun again. Gently he had felt her sit him on the bed and let him cry. When he had let all his feelings out and had started to gather himself together yet again he had lifted his face to hers and had watched as her hand moved towards his face and felt her gently wipe away his tears.
"So, my darling, can you see it yet? Can you see that you have nothing to blame yourself for? Neither of us does." Rae had smiled at him and he had nodded, just a small nod, but it had been the beginning of bigger things. The heavy load of guilt that he had been carrying had been left behind on the fifth floor of Community General and he had no intention of ever picking it up again.
"Rae, I am so sorry…" He placed a finger over her lips as she started to talk. "I am so sorry that he did what he did to you, and I will be here, for always, to help you recover from it, to move away from it and to be yourself again. I love you, Rae."
The Present Day
Jesse smiled now as he remembered what had happened. Rae had leant over, kissed him on the lips and he had felt her fingers as they ran through his hair. They had fallen back onto the bed together, and had kissed and cuddled there together for a long while before, unbeknownst to either of them, sleep had claimed them, and Michael had found them locked together two hours later when he had come up to remind them that luncheon was served.
As he sat there, he felt a small chuckle escape him. "Do you remember when Michael had found us fast asleep together on the bed?"
"Oh, don't. I was just so embarrassed, fancy falling asleep on the bed like that."
"Yeah, fancy, what a thing to do on a bed!" Rae stuck her tongue out at him, and he had to admit he had been a little embarrassed himself, but as he had known would happen it was never mentioned, and once Michael had made his announcement he had disappeared back down to the kitchen without another word.
The peace and quiet of the house was shattered then, as a wail arose from the crib. Jesse checked his watch. They had been lying there, letting their thoughts roam for over two and a half hours. He sighed, kissed Rae on the cheek and then left the room. He entered the nursery, placed the pacifier into the little screaming mouth of his child, then he went over to the refrigerator in the corner of the room and took out a bottle of formula and placed it in the microwave. It never ceased to give him pleasure that he was able to be with his child, to look around at all the wonderful things they had been able to buy and provide, and to just enjoy being a daddy. The timer pinged and Jesse took the bottle out checked the temperature and put the top on it. He got himself and his baby settled in the rocker again and this time as he sat there all his thoughts were of the moment.