Why Banks Suck

By: Andrea Gordon

Characters: Teller (T) [T must pronounce their numbers as if they were "twelve hundred" instead of "one-thousand two hundred", and Customer (C) [C must pronounce their numbers as if they were "one-thousand two hundred" instead of "twelve hundred."

Setting: A Bank Window

Props: Nameplate, ID card

(T is sitting, looking around, distracted, etc. C stands, waiting for permission to sit from T. T finally notices.)

T: Ah! Please sit down.

C: Thank you.

T: Now, how can I help you?

C: Well, I wanted—

T: Oh! Excuse me. I'm Michelle. (She points to her nameplate.)

C: Okay. But about my—

T: Um…excuse me. When someone introduces themselves, it's proper to introduce yourself back!

C: Why? I have my ID card.

T: Still…how do I know that that's actually you on that ID card?

C: Because it has a picture of me on it.

(Pause)

C: Fine. I'm Kaleigh Miller.

T: Nice to meet you, Kaleigh.

C: Nice to meet you, Miss… (She looks at her nameplate) Johnson.

T: Michelle.

C: Miss—

T: Michelle.

C: Miss—

T: Michelle.

C: Michelle!

T: Yes?

C: I had a question about—

T: Excuse me; I need to see your identification card.

C: Why? You said you didn't need it; I just needed to tell you my name.

T: I didn't say that.

C: Yes you did.

T: No, I didn't.

C: Yes you did!

(Pause)

T: Fine. I said that. But I still need to see your identification card.

C: Why?

T: Because this is a bank and security is out top priority. Identification, please.

(She hands her her card. T examines it. She looks at the card, and then at C. she repeats this several times.)

C: Now what?

T: This doesn't look like you.

C: Yes it does.

T: No, it doesn't. I should report this. Your hair is much, much longer. And, it's a waaaaaay different color.

C: That's because I dyed my hair, and it grew. Hair does that. It grows.

T: Fine. I'll believe you. Now, what can I help you with today?

C: I'm concerned about this transaction fee—

T: Oh. You're complaining. Complaints are window one. This is window nine.

C: I'm not complaining. I'm…questioning.

T: oh. Alright. Go on.

C: Anyways, I was making a withdraw from my account. I took $250 from my checking.

T: Okay. So what?

C: That wasn't the bad part. So I go home and take a look at the receipt…

T: This is so suspenseful!

C: And I see that there's a $1,500 transaction fee!

(Pause. C waits for T to say something. T just looks around.)

T: So…um…what exactly is the problem?

C (outraged): I OWE THE BANK $1,750!!!!!!!

T: You told me it was only $1500!

C: I know! But I took another look at the receipt, and it said I needed to pay back what I withdrew!

T: If you owed the bank money, why didn't you come forward sooner?

C: Never mind. But why was there a fee?

T: We explain all of our fees on our commercials.

C: I don't watch TV.

T: All the more reason why you should've heard of our fees. We only do radio commercials.

C: Well I never heard anything about it.

T: Of course not. The guy who talks really fast at the end said it.

C: But why do I owe money?

T: I told you lady, we explained everything in our commercials. You'll need to pay that as soon as…now.

C: What?

T: I said, "You'll need to pay that as soon as—"

C: No, that "what" wasn't in the unclarity context, it was in the context of disbelief.

T: Oh. (Pause) Will you be using cash, credit, or check?

C: Well I didn't expect to pay it right now…

T: Do you have ? Because we also accept .

C: No! I don't have a !

T: You should get one. They're very efficient.

C: Fine. Whatever. I'll get one later. Do you have an ATM machine?

T: Actually, it's just "ATM." Because that stands for Automatic Teller Machine. If you said ATM Machine, you would be saying Automatic Teller Machine Machine. And that's redundant. And that's redundant. That's a redundance fee. We'll have to add another $200 surcharge.

C: Sorry. Why?

T: Apology fee. $200. And a question fee. In total so far, you've asked seven questions. That's $200 a question. Bringing that total to $1400 dollars. You now owe the bank $3350.

C: Wha—

T: That's almost a question.

C: Oops. You're right.

T: Realization fee. $500.

C: This is getting ridiculous.

T: Well you should've paid your fee when you had the chance.

C: Fine. I'll write a check.

T: Schweet.

C: May I borrow one?

T: Another question. $200. Borrowing a check. $300. $4350.

C: (sigh) All right. I need a pen.

T: It's all about you, isn't it? Pen. That's $750.

C: Why is a pen more than a check?

T: We value our pens. Plus another question. $950.

C: And I would make it out to…

T: That's obvious. Another fee. $200.

C: Fine. What's the total?

T: Well I was going to say $5300, but since you just asked another question, it'll be $5500.

C: Five thousand five hundred?

T: No, fifty-five hundred. I'm gonna have to charge you for mispronouncing a number.

C: Why so many fees?

T: Well, the customer is responsible for the FEES that you just mentioned for the FEES (she trails off, mumbling under her breath, saying FEES a couple more times.)

C: What?—

T: FEES! I'm sorry, that was uncalled for.

C: I'm leaving!

T: You can't! You still owe the bank $5700!

C: You just said it was—

T: You asked another question. Plus a conversation fee.

C: A conver—

T: Yes. We charge by the syllable.

C: That's it. I'm out!

T: But you can't leave! I have your account number!

C: Too bad. I'm outta here!

T: You still owe us money!

C: I'll e-mail you.

(Pause. C exists.)

T: That's sensible.

(She turns to face an invisible customer.)

T: Hello! Welcome to Hidden-Fee Bank. I'm Michelle.

(She points to her nameplate.)

T: How can I help you?

SCENE

(Note: Neither character is gender-specific. "Michelle" may be changed to "Michael" and "Kaleigh" may be replaced with "Kevin")