Hello. Please be warned that the following fic is M rated for sexual themes. It is also not a serious fic, and is meant to be read with a sense of humour. The opinions stated by the characters do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the author. The way the characters are portrayed and the pairings involved are meant to be entertaining and funny, and there is no intention of insulting/demeaning any of the characters.
Finally, I do not own Resident Evil 4.
Interlude
Leon Scott Kennedy had not thought things through. He hardly ever did. No, it was not that he was stupid or really slow on the uptake. Far from it; Leon Scott Kennedy was (well… still is) a well-trained, finely honed secret agent. That means he is not stupid; or slow on the uptake. Unfortunately, he was also never the type to do any long-term planning.
Take the current mission for example. Mission Objective: Go to a rural part of Europe, marked on the map as "Here There be Monsters" (he had thought it was a joke) and retrieve the President's daughter from a band of really creepy men. "Fine", he had thought. "I can do that." And he had bought a plane ticket for the earliest flight to an unidentified part of Europe.
Did he think to bring food? No. Did he think to bring water? No. Did he even consider bringing backup? Absolutely not. (Somewhere in the back of his mind had been the utter conviction he would find a convenience store somewhere, and he certainly didn't need backup walking to a convenience store.) It was a wonder he remembered to bring a pistol and a knife along. That was no matter though; those things didn't matter. They most certainly had not mattered in his previous missions. He had simply taken the food left behind by the villagers: eggs, fish, herbs (green, red, yellow… but not the purple, god forbid the purple – on missions at least. Recreational use of those was perfectly fine - even interesting. Just don't let the President find out.).
It might seem rather callous, dropping in on a nice village and robbing them of their provisions. In his defense, he had been really, really hungry and he could have sworn those delicious, nutritious eggs had been giving him the evil eye all day. As for taking the lovely jewels he found along the way… well, he had only brought a pistol and he needed money to buy bigger, better guns from the merchant. That was the villagers' fault; they were the ones attacking him and forcing him to use up precious, expensive ammo. All he wanted to do was get the girl and leave, but did they let him? Nooo. They had to swarm around and yell at him and poke at him. That was just asking for a grenade launcher up their collective ass, and the merchant just happened to have one.
Anyway, that was beside the point. The point was that, as Leon Scott Kennedy had to admit, hiding behind an exquisitely decorated table, he had obviously not thought things through. Of all the things he neglected to bring, the one thing he really should have brought along was a bulletproof vest for the woman he had come to save.
Agent Leon Scott Kennedy winced as a bullet, fired from his gun, narrowly missed the President's daughter and thudded into the body of one of the villagers.
It really wasn't Ashley Graham's fault. Yes, she was absolutely helpless, and had an annoying tendency to freeze in place between her attackers and her protector when attacked. Yes, it was also true that she had possibly the most annoying voice he had ever heard. Yes, it was all true, but it really wasn't her fault. She wasn't trained for combat, had never had to face down human criminals, much less B.O.W.s, and had never been impregnated with a parasite (or anything else for that matter) in her life. She could not be blamed for being absolutely useless in the situation.
Come to think of it, secret service training had not taught Leon Scott Kennedy how to deal with being impregnated by a parasite. They had taught him about firearms, knives, boxing, judo and even ninja-do. There had also been a rather interesting lesson that involved whips, handcuffs and a small dark room. He had enjoyed that lesson in particular, and had only been mildly distressed when he found out much later it hadn't been a lesson. Nonetheless, it had been a very enriching experience, and he was sure he had learnt many life lessons from it. There had, however, been no lessons on what to do should he get impregnated by human or non-human subjects, for rather obvious reasons. It was thus somewhat worrying that he being awfully calm about it – even curious. He kind of thought he might look good with orange eyes.
That was quite beside the point again. The point is, Ashley Graham was absolutely useless in the situation they were in. That's why Leon Kennedy wished he had thought to bring along a bulletproof vest for her. Oh, true, most of the villagers did not use guns, choosing to rely instead on good old fashion farming tools and claws. Bulletproof vests would have done nothing to protect Ashley from claws and chainsaws, but they sure as hell would have protected her from his bullets. Ultimately, that was the important thing. It was, all things considered, okay to return home to the President, with Ashley's body chopped to pieces by chainsaws and mournfully report that he, one person, had failed to protect the helpless girl against hundreds of parasite-controlled murderers. That was tragic, but understandable. It was definitely not okay to return home with Ashley's body, riddled with bullets that matched those from his fucking gun. He did not want to survive the crazy parasite cult, only to be hanged by his own people.
Leon Scott Kennedy eyed his charge again as another one of his bullets whizzed past her. "Ashley," he called, trying his darnest not to sound too snappy (she was his boss's daughter, remember that!). "Get out of the way, please."
Ashley Graham squatted down immediately and duck-walked out of the way.
At least she was good at listening to instructions. Sure, she couldn't fire a gun for nuts (they had tried; she had nicked his face with a bullet, and he had been standing behind the tree that was directly behind her), but she could obey him like nobody's business. And she was surprisingly good at setting monks on fire by throwing lamps at them. Leon Kennedy had been impressed when she had set two monks, standing a good three feet apart, on fire with one well-thrown lamp. He had tried to match that by picking up a lamp and swinging it into a densely-packed crowd of monks. The lamp had bounced off the chest of a monk, flew to the corner of the room, and extinguished itself. He hadn't even managed to singe the carpet.
That was all fine and well anyway. There were only so many lamps sitting around the castle, and he was quite happy to let Ashley make full use of them. Leon Scott Kennedy wasn't too much of a man to admit that he wasn't capable of doing certain things. Sure, he was handsome, sexy, buff, had a great personality and was a sheer genius at doing his job, but when it came to lamp-throwing, Leon Scott Kennedy was happy to bow to Ashley Graham's superior arm swing.
"Leon! Duck!"
Leon Scott Kennedy blinked, startled out of his daydreams by the strange reference to an aquatic avian creature – and was rewarded with an elbow to his perfectly shaped, aquiline nose.
"Oh Le-on! I told you to duck!"
Lying on plush carpeting that had probably not be cleaned in a while, Leon Scott Kennedy blinked stars away as he thought about how this was the first time in twenty-four hours that he had been off his feet, and damn did the carpet feel good, even if it smelt of blood and feces. Well… he smelt of blood and feces too, so that didn't matter. Besides, he was rubbing his filthy self all over the carpet of the evil crazy megalomaniac who was causing him so much trouble. What a way to stick it to the Man… Kid… Freak. Whatever. Go Team Kennedy.
"Leon! Leon! Are you okay? LEON!" Ashley Graham's panicked face floated into view through the stars. "I'm so sorry! I was just trying to throw a lamp at the monks attacking us, and I really didn't mean to hit you in the nose! Are you okay? You're not moving! And your nose is bleeding! Should I feed you the large fish you have been lugging around all day? Leon? LEON?"
"Urgheammm," Leon Scott Kennedy mumbled eloquently.
"Okay," Ashley Graham replied decisively. "I'm going to get the fish. Oh… well… I don't think you should eat it raw, do you? I'm sure it's full of like… bacteria or something. Oh Leon! I don't know how to prepare the fish for you! Should I build a fire and cook it? But I don't know how to build a fire! And I don't know how to cook! Leon!"
"Uhrmmmm," Leon Scott Kennedy mumbled back.
"Maybe," Ashley Graham mused. "I should just plop it on your nose. I've seen my old bodyguards press steak on their faces before, after they got beaten. It seemed to work quite fine. Hold still! Just let me get the fish out of your case!"
At the threat of having raw fish smothering his already abused face, Leon Scott Kennedy finally found the strength to push himself off the amazingly comfortable carpet. "Its okay, Ashley, I'm quite fine," he assured how through the stream of blood gushing out of his nose.
"Oh Leon! I was so worried! But I'm glad you are perfectly fine! Do you still need the fish?" A carcass, smelling strongly of meat and blood was shoved in his face and Leon Scott Kennedy almost passed out on the carpet again.
"No, I'm quite fine. Let's save the fish for… for…" his mind reeled and he couldn't find a good occasion in the near future for eating the fish, so he finished lamely, "for… later."
"Sure," Ashley said agreeably, and Leon Scott Kennedy couldn't help wondering if Ashely Graham was so good at obeying his orders simply because her brain was so empty it was easy to just implant thoughts into it.
Low chanting came from around the corner and Leon Scott Kennedy grabbed Ashley Graham's arm. "Come on. Let's move," he said in a suitably cool and calm voice as he led her further from the voices.
As they took off, running as fast as they dared through the maze-like castle, Leon Scott Kennedy had ample time to admire how each time his feet hit the ground a corresponding lightning of pain razed through his brain. He also had plenty of time to watch the way his nose got blacker and bluer with each passing second. It went very well with the colour of his eyes, he observed groggily as they rounded another corner. He would have to do his best to remove the parasite from his body. It wouldn't do to have orange eyes now; they would just clash with his nose.
"Leon! Duck!"
Fortunately, Leon Scott Kennedy had learnt his lesson (what with being a genius and a fast-learner and all that). He let go of Ashley Graham's arm and flung himself to the right while she scuttled towards the left, just as a giant axe crashed down in between them.
Alarmed, Leon raised his throbbing head and started to call for his charge but a shrill "LEON" reassured him of her perfect health. He thus turned to assess the current threat – and did a double-take.
"Holy shit," Leon Scott Kennedy blurted. "Is that a walking suit of armour?"
The walking suit of armour looked back at him silently and Leon Scott Kennedy took that as an affirmation. "Come on man," Leon told the suit of armour disgustedly. "This is so cliché. Take a walk through a creepy, dark castle, and woooo… you run into a walking suit of armour! I swear, your creator gets all his ideas from lame horror movies. I mean, just look at his outfit. That purple robe is like so last season."
Obviously the suit of armour took issue with Leon Scott Kennedy's blatant dismissal of his credibility as a terrifying creature-of-the-night and attempted to decapitate the agent with a swing of his giant axe.
"Eek," Leon Scott Kennedy protested as he fell to a low crouch, the blade whistling through the air above him. Swiftly, he drew his pistol and fired at the suit of armour. (He really should have saved the grenade launcher for situations like this…)
To his utter dismay, the bullets seemed to do nothing but bounce off the suit.
Saying words he really shouldn't be saying in front of the President's daughter, Leon Scott Kennedy rolled away as the blade came swishing down towards him and scrambled to his feet, getting off two more bullets before he was forced to duck and roll again when the blade almost sliced him in two.
"Leon! Leon! Oh! Do look out behind you! The walking armour has an axe!" Ashley Graham cried out helpfully.
"Yes, yes, of course," Leon Scott Kennedy reassured her as he scrambled on all fours between the legs of the suit of armour. Climbing to his feet, he fired a shot at where a man would normally be most vulnerable and stared hopefully as the suit of armour went down on one knee. Unfortunately, the suit of armour was merely bending to pick up a large, heavy statue so it could throw it at one Leon Scott Kennedy.
To his dismay, Leon found himself flat on his back, the statue crushing his lungs, and leaving him gasping unflatteringly like the dying fish in his case. Struggling, he dropped his pistol and grabbed the statue with both hands, desperately trying to push it off his chest.
"Leon! It's coming for you! Leon! You have to run! LEON!"
Grunting with effort, Leon managed to shift the statue slightly.
"Leon! It's reaching you! Le… Hey, what's this?"
Muscles screaming in agony, Leon Scott Kennedy heaved the state off his chest in a burst of masculine prowess, just in time to see the suit of armour suddenly collapse onto the floor revealing a cheerfully beaming Ashley Graham behind it.
"Wh… What?" Leon Scott Kennedy gasped.
"Oh, there was a button on the back of the suit," Ashley Graham explained. "So I pressed it. I've always had this thing where if I see a button, I must press it. Daddy refused to let me into that secret bunker below the White House when he found me on the verge of pressing this big red button there. I wonder why. But ooh ooh! Turns out the button I pressed on the suit of armour turns it off! Isn't that wonderful, Leon?"
In the depths of Leon Scott Kennedy's brain, a switch that had formed within 5 minutes of encountering Ashley Graham flipped and his brain immediately started to tune out her voice. Instead, his eyes kept darting from the suit of armour to Ashley Graham and back again.
Bullet-proof.
Not bullet-proof.
Bullet-proof.
Not bullet-proof.
Bullet-proof.
"… Leon? Are you listening to me, Leon? Do you need the fish again?"
Ashley Graham reached out to her bodyguard and then backed off warily as Leon Scott Kennedy gave her a very wide and sincere grin.
Ada Wong crept slowly around the corner of the dilapidated hut, wrinkling her nose at the smell of rotting food and stagnant water. This place had gone to the dogs. No, that was not fair to the poor dogs. This place was simply hell on earth, and Ada Wong wouldn't have come within fifty miles of this place if it weren't for her orders. Obtain the sample and get out of here ASAP. In preparation of the mission, Ada Wong had scouted the geography of the place, obtained intelligence on population demography, politics, religion, and even dietary habits through her various sources, and prepared many powerful weapons including sunglasses that explode. It made wearing the shades a rather tense experience, but they were definitely very useful.
If nothing else, Ada Wong was a long-term planner, someone who looked at issues from various angles, and who thought of the next 10 steps while her opponents were still focused on the current move.
All these made Ada Wong a highly efficient spy. If knowledge is power, Ada Wong would have been the most powerful person on Earth. Unfortunately, knowledge really isn't power, and so others ruled the world while she trudged around killing innocent people infected with a nasty parasite.
Well, it could be worse. She could have been a fat and ugly spy.
Delicate features wrinkled in a frown as Ada Wong stopped just before she turned another corner. There was a strange sound coming from the other side of the hut. Closing her eyes, she focused.
Boom. Squish. Boom. Squish. Boom.
Ada Wong's lips tensed into a straight line as she drew out a shotgun and checked that it was fully loaded. Whatever was coming her way sounded big and heavy. She would have to hit it hard and fast, bringing it down before it knew it was under attack.
"I really do dislike B.O.W.s," Ada Wong mused and immediately launched herself out of her hiding place. Flipping head-over-heels twice, the agile spy spun on one foot gracefully and brought the shotgun up, prepared to blast away at the hideous creature bearing down on her – when she paused and stared – and stared – and stared.
Standing in front of her was Leon Scott Kennedy, secret agent with an amazing ass and the President's daughter – in a suit of armour.
"Ada," Leon Scott Kennedy said, beaming amiably. "Nice to see you again after you almost blew me up with your sunglasses. Put a totally new spin to 'killer shades', I must say."
"Pleased to meet you again, Agent Kennedy" Ada Wong replied automatically, still staring. "Is that…"
"Yup," Leon Scott Kennedy said proudly. "My own bullet-proof mission objective. Isn't it wonderful? Not only will I not accidentally hit her with my bullets, those evil things running around can't even pick her up and carry her away because she crushes them with her weight. Damn, I'm smart. I just have to avoid areas where we have to, you know… jump down and stuff, cause my back is really starting to hurt."
Ada Wong's eyes travelled to the ground where the heavy armour had left deep prints in the ground. "How is she even walking around in that if physically-enhanced freaks can't carry her off?" she asked incredulously.
Leon Scott Kennedy shrugged and didn't look particularly concerned. "Somehow or other," he said vaguely. "Ashley has hidden talents. You should see her with a lamp and a group of evil monks. If she were back in medieval times, I bet she would have been real good at burning witches or like… raping princesses and stuff like that."
"Thanks Leon! What a compliment!"
"And you let him do this to you?" Ada Wong asked, raising an eyebrow. "Walk around in the humid, sweltering heat in full medieval armour?"
"Oh sure!" Ashley Graham said cheerfully. "Leon said it's for my own good, and I'm sure he's right. I feel incredible in this suit! It could totally be like the new thing in the White House!" She beamed vacantly in the direction of a dead bird and Ada Wong was forced to reassess her initial observations on the mental capabilities of the young woman.
"Well then," Ada Wong said bemusedly. "If that's the case, though I'm not really sure what the case is, I guess I'll just go…" A loud beep from the general area of Leon Scott Kennedy's amazing ass interrupted her.
"Just a minute, babe," Leon said, winking at her and turning to his communicator. "Hey, Hunnigan! Looking good. Is that a bra strap I see peeking out of your shirt? No? Darn. I bet you wear black lacy bras. No? Can you let me see what bra you're wearing then? Oh, come on honey… What? Who wants to speak… Oh. Oh, hi Mr President. I uh… I didn't expect to… yes, Sir. Yes. Yes. Ashley's fine. We'll be back soon, Sir. Yes. We'll be fine. Oh, erm… You want to see Ashley? Well… that's not such a great idea because… because… oh she's… I mean, Ashley's taking a piss… I mean… using the ah… bushes now so you can't see her. Yes, I will send your best wishes to her. Pleased to meet you too. Good day."
As Leon put his phone away, his face a little paler than usual, Ada Wong quirked an eyebrow at him and asked, "Girlfriend?"
Leon Scott Kennedy, secret agent extraordinaire shot her an appalled look. "What? No way is the president my girlfriend! He's a dude! I don't do dudes!"
"Really?" Ashley Graham chirped brightly. "I always thought you were like gay!"
Leon Scott Kennedy's appalled gaze grew even more appalled. Crossing his arms, he flipped his hair out of his eyes and snapped, "And just what about me looks gay to you?"
"I didn't mean the president, Leon," Ada Wong cut in, rubbing the bridge of her nose. "I meant, Hunnigan. The woman you were flirting with."
"Oh, Hunnigan? Nah, she's not my girlfriend. Just someone I want to have sex with."
Ada Wong's eyebrows shot sky-high as she gave Leon Scott Kennedy a slow once-over. "Just someone you want to have sex with," she repeated, amused. "My, how my little boy has grown."
"You don't understand, Ada," Leon said, fixing her with an intense gaze. "Do you know when was the last time I got laid?"
"Of course not, handsome."
"On the night before I arrived at Racoon City."
Ada's eyebrows shot even higher. "You mean…"
"I haven't gotten laid in six years," Leon informed her desperately. "Six years! Instead of getting the chicks with my cool secret service badge, every single day of the last six years have been spent training and training and training and training. The only way I survived all that is by remembering how my balls now match my eye colour perfectly. But what does that matter, really? No one gets to see my eyes and my balls at the same time, other than the other trainees and… seriously… don't go there. I only like wet, writing bodies pressed against me when they are female and when they are not trying to punch me in the eye. In fact, you should just have sex with me."
Ada Wong's jaw dropped and she stared at Leon Scott Kennedy as if he had started vomiting rainbows while river dancing. "Excuse me?"
"You should have sex with me!" Leon Scott Kennedy repeated, brightening up at the prospect. "See, you are here and Hunnigan isn't! And I am here. With you! Alone."
"Isn't Ashley…"
"Ashley, go hide in a dumpster and stay there."
"Okay Leon!"
Ada Wong stared after the departing armoured figure and turned back to Leon Kennedy, who was still grinning happily at her. "Leon…" she tried again.
"See," Leon interrupted her. "We are alone now. And it makes total sense to have sex now. I mean, maybe not now now, but now soon. I see a hut there, and huts have beds. The locals wouldn't mind. Most of them don't even have minds. Heh, I'm funny. Anyway, we should just totally have sex now, because we have a location to have sex in now, which we may not have later. So we should totally have sex now."
"Now, listen Leon…"
"Besides, it makes total sense for you and me to have sex. I mean, I'm so hot, and you're so hot, and if we were in a porno, we would totally be having sex now. And who's to say we aren't in a porno now? For all you know, all the world's a porno, and all the men and women merely actors. Besides, I have a really, really huge ere…" Leon Scott Kennedy blinked when a deceptively delicate-looking hand was brandished in his face.
"Stop, Leon," the owner of the deceptively delicate-looking hand said. "Stop. Listen. I can't have sex with you."
"Why not?" Leon Scott Kennedy said reasonably. "I have a penis, you have a va…"
"We can't, Leon," Ada Wong said harshly. "Stop speaking with your… your… I'm a virgin. I was brought up in a traditional Chinese family. I wasn't even allowed to date till I was twenty, and even then, my Dad chaperoned me everywhere we went. Why do you think I ran off to be a spy in the first place? And being a spy doesn't give me much room for having sex, because of… you know, training and training. I can't have my first time in this… this… place! For goodness sake, Kennedy, show a bit of sensitivity…" The spy trailed off when she saw the intrigued look on Leon Kennedy's face.
"You're seriously a virgin?" he grinned. "Cool. I mean, like seriously cool. Not that it matters if you aren't a virgin, but it is so cool that you are. Because now we totally need to have sex to get rid of your virginity. I mean, you could die in this place, and who wants to die a virgin?"
"I don't…"
"Besides, for the first time in your life, no one is here to stop you from having sex. No over-protective daddy, no evil trainers from whoever you work for," Leon went on thoughtfully. "What better way to celebrate that than to have sex? Right, Ada?"
Ada Wong opened her mouth to protest. Then she closed it again; and opened it; and closed it. And then she frowned deeply in thought. Pivoting gracefully, she turned and paced three steps away then turned back and glared at a cheerfully beaming Leon Kennedy.
"Oh fuck," she said in a surprisingly calm and elegant voice. "Oh fuck."
Just as Ada Wong was educating Leon Scott Kennedy on the finer points of feminine clothing, Ashley Graham was curled up happily in the filthy dumpster, filled with decaying food, rotting corpses and flies.
Many thought that Ashley Graham was an air-head bimbo with not much going on up there. In truth, they were all wrong. There was plenty going on in Ashley Graham's mind.
Currently, her mind was filled to the brim with the intellectual exercise of counting animals. Some might ask how that demonstrated the depths of Ashley Graham's minds. While others of lesser intellectual depth counted plain, boring sheep, Ashley Graham's rather more advanced mind had developed, with startling creativity, the concept of counting pink ponies.
Then, with the kind of attention span as befitting the absent-minded genius, Ashley Graham forgot entirely about her pioneering efforts in animal-counting and started to focus her thoughts on the curious case of Leon Scott Kennedy.
Agent Kennedy, in Ashley Graham's esteemed opinion, was a beautiful man. He had stunning blue eyes, soft, silky hair, and an amazing, firm ass. More than that however, much more importantly than all those qualities, Leon Scott Kennedy had nimble fingers.
That gave him the potential to be really good at playing 'This Little Piggy".
Ashley Graham, with the ambition as befitting a genius, wondered if the agent could be prevailed upon to play that particularly complex game with her and prove her hypothesis correct. She will request his presence in her room, using the cover of 'over time' so he wouldn't suspect her of having any other more devious intentions.
Ashley Graham beamed at her own intelligence and settled back to wait for Leon Kennedy to summon her again.
Thomp.
Startled out of her daydreams about white puffy things, Ashley Graham sat up and frowned. She could have sworn…
Thomp.
There it was again. Curiosity clawed at Ashley Graham's mind as she wondered whether Leon would be angry if she took a quick peep. Giggling at the impossibility of that ever happening, Ashley Graham lifted the lid of the dumpster slightly and peered out – and was greeted by the sight of a partially naked Leon Kennedy zipping up his trousers and advancing on a terribly scarred man.
break –
Krauser was a terribly scarred man. The wars he had fought in had not been kind to him, and it showed on his face… and his back… and his arms… and other areas best not mentioned in polite company. In fact, Krauser even had scars on his scars, which made great conversation pieces. Nonetheless, Krauser had led a hard life, and it showed.
Part of how this showed was through Krauser's exceptional senses. Having had to function in the dark alone with strange things creeping after him for many years, Krauser had developed keenness to his senses that left him with the eyes of a hawk and the ears of a hound (and the smell of a dead rat, but no one who liked their bits attached to the rest of their other bits ever told him that).
It was with those remarkable senses that Krauser first picked up the presence of Leon Kennedy.
Now, let it not be said that Krauser disliked Leon Kennedy. There were many things about Leon Kennedy that Krauser admired. His skills in combat, for example, were exceptional (for someone who wasn't infected with a virus of some form), and his ass was a beautiful work of art. (Krauser was, of course, merely admiring the discipline and determination that must have gone into Leon Kennedy's training in order to achieve an ass of such firmness, and was in no way admiring Leon Kennedy's ass because Krauser likes men.) There were, of course, a lot of things Krauser despised in Leon Kennedy, namely his exceptional skills in combat (which made him a very tough and tiresome opponent to take down) as well as his very firm ass (which Krauser did not have, being one of those men whom never seemed to have much of an ass to begin with). Nonetheless, Krauser did not dislike Leon Kennedy any more or any less than he disliked the rest of the Earth's population.
The person he did dislike though was Ada Wong.
She was smart, she was skilled, she ran circles around him and she wasn't even infected with a virus, she was merely born, by chance, with the correct genetics that gave her an edge over someone with the same amount of training as her. Krauser couldn't hate her enough for that. Did anyone know how long he had to spend in the gym just to develop the strength and speed he had now? There were days he didn't leave the gym, lifting weights over and over again till he was weak enough to start perspiring. Days not spent in the gym were spent running, swimming, mountain-climbing and dancing salsa (it's more difficult than most people think). Ada Wong didn't exercise. She didn't go to the gym, she didn't jog, she didn't swim, and though she did dance socially, no one has ever seen her practice. Legend has it that she once took it upon herself to take a walk around the block, but Krauser had yet to find any reliable witnesses to that remarkable incident.
No one could hate Ada Wong as much as Krauser did, and when a chance glance through the window of a seemingly deserted hut revealed a brief glimpse of Ada Wong's head and Leon Kennedy's head leant towards each other in conversation (or so he thought), Krasuer knew he had struck the jackpot. Phrases like "consorting with the enemy" and "double agent" came to mind, along with images of Ada Wong being killed in spectacularly messy ways by an enraged Wesker.
A smirk spread over Krauser's face. It was time to see how the bitch in the red dress talked her way out of this.
Trying his best not to strut, Krauser walked up to the front door of the hut and kicked it open. "Come out, come out, wherever you are," he called. "I know you are in there!"
There was a flurry of movement in the back of the house and Krauser followed the sounds of cursing and shuffling to a room in the back, where he was greeted by the sight of a partially naked Leon Kennedy stumbling towards the door of the room and trying to zip up his pants at the same time. If Krauser wasn't so busy basking in his moment of glorious revenge, he would have taken the hint.
"Krauser!" Leon snarled, just missing injury to a delicate part of his anatomy by a very close margin.
"Leon," Krauser replied. "And the bitch in a oh my god you're not wearing your dress."
Ada Wong, lounging naked on what appeared to be a pile of dried hay and discarded rags nodded coolly back at him. "Krauser," she said calmly. "Nice to meet you again."
"Why… erm… why are you… your clothes…" Krauser's eyes darted back and forth from Leon Kennedy to Ada Wong as he gaped stupidly at them. "I mean… I can see your… that is… your…"
"We were having sex," Leon Kennedy said matter-of-factly. "Which you interrupted by the way."
"WHAT?"
"Sex! Come on, you must know… oh… oh wait. Virgin. I get it," Leon Kennedy smiled disarmingly. "Sex is basically where my p…"
"I KNOW WHAT SEX IS!"
"Geez, calm down, Krauser. What's your problem, dude? No harm being a virgin."
"I'M NOT…"
"Yes, Krauser, do calm down. Throw a fit here and I will nail you to the floor with my high heels."
"SHUT UP!" Krasuer roared, eyes wide with horror. "You are sleeping Leon Kennedy, the enemy! I knew you could not be trusted, bitch! The moment Wesker finds out…"
"Oh Krauser, Krauser, Krauser," Ada Wong sighed from her comfortable position on top of the hay. "You think in such limited ways. I was merely trying to seduce classified information out of the personal bodyguard to the President and his family. What better way to do that than to sleep with him? You really should try other methods that don't involve pounding someone's head till he gives, you know?"
For the briefest moment, Krauser was rewarded with the image of him, in a red dress, throwing a come-hither at Leon Kennedy. For another brief moment, Krauser wondered how he was ever going to scrub his mind clean of that image.
He was, fortunately, brought out of his dark thoughts by Leon Kennedy, a smirk on his face, saying, "You were trying to seduce information out of me? Kinky, Ada. What'cha gonna do if I don't give?"
"Hmm… I wonder, Agent Kennedy. What do you think I'll do if you don't talk?"
"I don't know, babe. Why don't you show me?"
"Call me 'babe' again and I will bite you, Agent Kennedy."
"Ooh, bring it on, ba…"
"Shut up! Shut up!" Krauser roared, stepping in between the pair and snarling at them. "Now you listen here, bitch," he growled, pointing at a politely-attentive Ada Wong. "Listen. You can't possibly be seducing Leon for classified information. You're lying."
"And why do you say that, Krauser?"
"Because," Krauser ground out through gritted teeth, "if he knows you're trying to seduce information out of him, he just wouldn't talk. So you can't possibly be seducing information out of him if he knows you are seducing information out of him!"
"Incorrect," Ada Wong replied smugly. "Just because the target knows he is the target does not make him any less a target. I have ways of making him talk."
"She's quite right, you know," Leon Kennedy said thoughtfully. "I scream the oddest things when I orgasm."
"WHAT?"
"Oh, you certainly do, handsome."
"I know you like it that way, babe."
"Oh, you are asking for it, Agent Kennedy. I am going to bite you. Brace yourself."
"Fuarhgaeak!" Krauser squeaked.
"Oh, don't Ada. You'll make Krauser burst a vein. Look at how red his face is, and how his eyes are bulging out. I really don't want to see his head explode in a cloud of blood."
"Really? I think that would be quite a flattering look on him, actually."
"Graeajkfh!"
"Oh, you bad girl. Look at how his arm is mutating into a strange claw. You are upsetting the poor man."
"Hmmm, I guess I am. Looks like I've been a bad, bad girl, Agent Kennedy."
"Oh, you have, sweetheart. I should arrest you for public indecency and general misbehaving."
"Really, Agent Kennedy? If I resist arrest, are you going to spank me?"
It was around this point of the conversation that something within the depths of Krauser's mind broke. It was one thing to walk in on a half-naked Leon Kennedy and an entirely naked Ada. Yes, seeing her… her… her… seeing her shocked him, but it wasn't a big deal. Krauser had been shocked many times in his life, and he had survived with his sanity pretty much in tact. It was, however, another thing to have to stand there hearing them flirt and putting horrible images in his head.
When bad things like that happen to a man like Krauser, there was only one way he knew how to react. With a happy sigh, Krauser transformed his right arm into a claw and turned on the suddenly-very-alert-and-definitely-not-flirting Leon Kennedy and Ada Wong.
Krauser really, really did hate Ada Wong and that amazingly firm ass…
Diary of Ashley Graham
I so totally cannot believe that we totally made it out of that evil place alive! I mean like, Leon was so totally brave and I'm just sad I couldn't trick him into playing Little Piggy with me. I have no idea how he saw through my awesome plan, but I guess being a secret agent means like you know all secrets and stuff like that. Oh my god, does that mean that Leon knows that I was the one who accidentally blew up the tiny Chinese town of Xiao Xi? I didn't mean to! The red button was calling to me. It's like totally the red button's fault.
Anyway, I am just so sad that I couldn't have been like new BFFs with Leon's friends! I mean, that woman in the red dress was so pretty and the other guy with all the scars was like so scary but kind of cool, you know? If only he had a nicer ass. But, I mean like, it was totally weird how they were like interacting with each other. I mean, first Leon and that woman disappeared for like centuries and then the scarred man appeared and went into the hut Leon and that woman were in. Then like there were like explosions and stuff. Then it got really quiet before they came out together looking all happy and stuff. Maybe that's how like secret agents be friends?
I really don't know. I still prefer Little Piggy after all.
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