Disclaimer: Everything belongs to his great benevolence Joss Whedon the
mighty, and of course, Mutant Enemy. This is a parody, love it or hate it,
I will eat your flames for breakfast and enjoy them. This is Season Six,
the beginning. Before Evil Willow.
Enter: The magic box
We see our old friend Xander, lumbering towards us in an extremely doughy fashion. Next to him glides Anya, and although she is dwarfed by the sheer size of her Sex Bunny.., Er, Kitten, we can still make her out, barely. She glides a finger through her blond..ish hair and walks to the cash register.
"Xander, lover, it seems there's many a thing missin' from the dear old Magic Box and we've noticed nothing, how could this be?" She rifles through a large wad of cash, glaring shrewdly around her. Her eyes glaze over as she sees Dawn and her hair stuffing large amounts of jewelry into her pockets. "Anya! LOOK! IM TAKING STUFF! LOOK AT ME!!!" Anya just looks at Xander expectantly, awaiting an answer that will never come. "Anya, I was thinking, we'll be out of peanut butter soon, and the thought that I might not be able to wake up to a nice steaming plate of Peanut Butter and Mayonnaise makes me jittery. A trip to the store is in order." Anya nods as Dawn runs out screaming, yanking at "The Hair That Refused to Die."
(Exit Xander and Anya, enter Buffy and Willow)
Buffy moved slowly to a chair and curled up into it, Willow bounded in, looking almost as perky and dimwitted as she had in her pre-gay pre- addiction days. "So Buffy, I was thinking, maybe if your not to busy we could uh, ya know, talk about how I'm getting over this magic addiction thing. My night sweats and hallucinations are really getting better." Willow then holds up a huge sign that proclaims, in glaring neon pink letters.
"I AM GAY! I AM NO LONGER ADDICTED TO MAGIC WHICH HAS BEEN REPEATEDLY USED AS A BAD DRUG METAPHOR, CONGRATULATE ME!"
Buffy looked forlorn and baleful, shock of the world, as she stared forlornly and balefully up at Willow. "Who are you? Oh, you're not me. Buffy. Well, I'M really glad that you're better ya know, cause it was really starting to bother ME, Buffy. Speaking of ME, BUFFY! I'd just like to say that ever since you yanked me out of heaven I've been depressed. I'M UPSET." She pouted and her sunken eyes began to tear, her wispy body began to shake with sobs, and she may very well have broken her emaciated form if she hadn't been saved, at that moment by-
"Really Really Super (In Bed) Spike and his Amazing Cheekbones!"
He casually entered the room, or sauntered, for "Really Really Super (In Bed) Spike!" does not simply enter a room, he conquers it, and his cheeks bask in their glory. "Buff love, what's wrong? This bloody crazy witch got ya down? I think it's bloomin' well time for this wench to sod off and leave us to our shaggin'." He sat down on the edge of Buffy's chair and.Tilted his head very slightly. and RAISED AN EYEBROW! When he got not no response from Buffy he immediately raised the eyebrow a bit higher and sucked in his cheekbones. Just as his head was about to explode from the force she looked up at him. "Spike. What are you doing here? I hate you!" Her mouth began to water as she stared at him, her hand moving to the front of his shirt. "You're so evil and disgusting, get the hell out of here." She began to pull him onto the chair with her, all the while spewing insults in his ear. "Oh. So I guess I'll go BE GAY somewhere. With no magic or anything. Look, I just walked out the door with no magic, no foolin', all by myself." Willow sighed dejectedly and left the room, maybe she'd go find Tara and trick her into loving her again. "Spike, stop it stop stop stop STOP!." Which in Buffy-speak of course means "GOD YES! THIS IS AMAZING, I'M LOVING EVERY SECOND OF THIS. DON'T EVER EVER STOP." He pulled her off of the chair, and although there was a couch conveniently located right in front of him, he moved her across the room and set her on top of a stool that was balanced on top of a shelf of books. "There we go love, that's right, cor that's good, just like that. Oh bloody hell. Bloody bloody bloody." "Really Really Super (In bed, or on the couch, or in a restaurant, or in a car, or set on top of a stool balanced on top of a shelf of books) Spike!" removed all of Buffy's clothing, really quickly. But he's super, so that's possible, and managed to weave her into a position that nobody on the planet has ever achieved before. Buffy moaned her contradictions, and all was going well in the Buffy-verse when..
In jumped Xander! Or, In jiggled Xander. He conveniently ignored Buffy and Really "Really Super (In bed, or on the couch, or in a restaurant, or in a car, or set on top of a stool balanced on top of a shelf of books) Spike!" shagging away and gasped out "Dawn's hair is loose! Dawn's Hair is LOOSE!" Before falling onto the floor with a thud big enough to knock Buffy and "Really Really Super (In Bed or.) Oh screw it.. Really Good at Giving Buffy Orgasms Spike!" off of their precariously balanced stool and onto the floor. The last thing Buffy heard before knocking her head on "RGaGBO Spike!'s" really hard.head was Anya sighing and saying "Oh Xander, I told you not to run so fast, your heart just isn't what it used to be, things don't work as well muffled under so much flesh."
TBC...
Enter: The magic box
We see our old friend Xander, lumbering towards us in an extremely doughy fashion. Next to him glides Anya, and although she is dwarfed by the sheer size of her Sex Bunny.., Er, Kitten, we can still make her out, barely. She glides a finger through her blond..ish hair and walks to the cash register.
"Xander, lover, it seems there's many a thing missin' from the dear old Magic Box and we've noticed nothing, how could this be?" She rifles through a large wad of cash, glaring shrewdly around her. Her eyes glaze over as she sees Dawn and her hair stuffing large amounts of jewelry into her pockets. "Anya! LOOK! IM TAKING STUFF! LOOK AT ME!!!" Anya just looks at Xander expectantly, awaiting an answer that will never come. "Anya, I was thinking, we'll be out of peanut butter soon, and the thought that I might not be able to wake up to a nice steaming plate of Peanut Butter and Mayonnaise makes me jittery. A trip to the store is in order." Anya nods as Dawn runs out screaming, yanking at "The Hair That Refused to Die."
(Exit Xander and Anya, enter Buffy and Willow)
Buffy moved slowly to a chair and curled up into it, Willow bounded in, looking almost as perky and dimwitted as she had in her pre-gay pre- addiction days. "So Buffy, I was thinking, maybe if your not to busy we could uh, ya know, talk about how I'm getting over this magic addiction thing. My night sweats and hallucinations are really getting better." Willow then holds up a huge sign that proclaims, in glaring neon pink letters.
"I AM GAY! I AM NO LONGER ADDICTED TO MAGIC WHICH HAS BEEN REPEATEDLY USED AS A BAD DRUG METAPHOR, CONGRATULATE ME!"
Buffy looked forlorn and baleful, shock of the world, as she stared forlornly and balefully up at Willow. "Who are you? Oh, you're not me. Buffy. Well, I'M really glad that you're better ya know, cause it was really starting to bother ME, Buffy. Speaking of ME, BUFFY! I'd just like to say that ever since you yanked me out of heaven I've been depressed. I'M UPSET." She pouted and her sunken eyes began to tear, her wispy body began to shake with sobs, and she may very well have broken her emaciated form if she hadn't been saved, at that moment by-
"Really Really Super (In Bed) Spike and his Amazing Cheekbones!"
He casually entered the room, or sauntered, for "Really Really Super (In Bed) Spike!" does not simply enter a room, he conquers it, and his cheeks bask in their glory. "Buff love, what's wrong? This bloody crazy witch got ya down? I think it's bloomin' well time for this wench to sod off and leave us to our shaggin'." He sat down on the edge of Buffy's chair and.Tilted his head very slightly. and RAISED AN EYEBROW! When he got not no response from Buffy he immediately raised the eyebrow a bit higher and sucked in his cheekbones. Just as his head was about to explode from the force she looked up at him. "Spike. What are you doing here? I hate you!" Her mouth began to water as she stared at him, her hand moving to the front of his shirt. "You're so evil and disgusting, get the hell out of here." She began to pull him onto the chair with her, all the while spewing insults in his ear. "Oh. So I guess I'll go BE GAY somewhere. With no magic or anything. Look, I just walked out the door with no magic, no foolin', all by myself." Willow sighed dejectedly and left the room, maybe she'd go find Tara and trick her into loving her again. "Spike, stop it stop stop stop STOP!." Which in Buffy-speak of course means "GOD YES! THIS IS AMAZING, I'M LOVING EVERY SECOND OF THIS. DON'T EVER EVER STOP." He pulled her off of the chair, and although there was a couch conveniently located right in front of him, he moved her across the room and set her on top of a stool that was balanced on top of a shelf of books. "There we go love, that's right, cor that's good, just like that. Oh bloody hell. Bloody bloody bloody." "Really Really Super (In bed, or on the couch, or in a restaurant, or in a car, or set on top of a stool balanced on top of a shelf of books) Spike!" removed all of Buffy's clothing, really quickly. But he's super, so that's possible, and managed to weave her into a position that nobody on the planet has ever achieved before. Buffy moaned her contradictions, and all was going well in the Buffy-verse when..
In jumped Xander! Or, In jiggled Xander. He conveniently ignored Buffy and Really "Really Super (In bed, or on the couch, or in a restaurant, or in a car, or set on top of a stool balanced on top of a shelf of books) Spike!" shagging away and gasped out "Dawn's hair is loose! Dawn's Hair is LOOSE!" Before falling onto the floor with a thud big enough to knock Buffy and "Really Really Super (In Bed or.) Oh screw it.. Really Good at Giving Buffy Orgasms Spike!" off of their precariously balanced stool and onto the floor. The last thing Buffy heard before knocking her head on "RGaGBO Spike!'s" really hard.head was Anya sighing and saying "Oh Xander, I told you not to run so fast, your heart just isn't what it used to be, things don't work as well muffled under so much flesh."
TBC...