Author's Note: I don't have anything against Jews and poor people. I'm just writing from Cartman's POV. Also, I don't own South Park, this is fanfiction. Enjoy!
Cartman's POV
I don't take kindly to failing, to losing. Especially losing that much. Fourteen hundred and ten to thirty-six? Are you fucking kidding me? And I especially don't take kindly to losing to Kyle. Fuck Kyle. His sneaky Jew ethics must have corrupted the majority of the school's population during that election. How else could my brilliant and far more original idea of a Turd Sandwich as a mascot lose to that boring-ass idea of a giant douche? I'm so seriously, giant douche is so unoriginal and Kyle's a giant douche for thinking it's so fucking great and GODDAMNIT I HATE HIM SO MUCH!
That's it. I can't take it anymore. I know the election is over and it didn't matter because we didn't end up changing the mascot anyway, but Kyle and his giant douche are getting away with this over my dead body. If I can get enough people on my side, then I might have a chance at reopening the election and getting the mascot changed. I've got my work cut out for me though. Kyle's going to do everything in his power to stop me and get a giant douche to be the mascot. That would be so fucking weak. But I have to take that risk if I want any chance at beating Kyle and getting the hilariously awesome Turd Sandwich to be our new mascot.
The first thing I need to do is get some signatures. I gather my clipboard and bring it into school the next day with a petition to change the school's mascot to a Turd Sandwich. The first person I go to is Butters.
"Turd Sandwich is the right choice and we're stickin' with it, right Butters?" I ask him, my tone persuasive.
"Yeah!" he replies, enthusiastically signing his name on the first line.
The second person I go to is Stan. He may be loyal to Kyle as a best friend, but I at least trust that he will make the right decision in this case.
"Ah, Stan, nice to see you," I greet him.
"What do you want today, Cartman?" he asks me.
"Do you know what Turd Sandwich can do for our school, Stan? Make no mistake; giant douche had no business winning that election! Can I perhaps interest you in my petition?"
"I'm not sure," Stan replies.
"Well then," I say digging into my pockets and pulling out a small piece of candy, "Can I interest you in… a butterscotch candy?"
He eagerly takes it from my hand and unwraps it.
"Well, I did learn that most elections are between a douche and a turd. And I guess I usually prefer the turd," he says, chewing on the butterscotch.
My second signature is complete. I need one hundred before I can take my case to the school president. Only thirty-six people voted for me and I already have two of their signatures. And I don't know who the other thirty-four are. That's no problem though. With some simple computer hacking and record checking, I can find their names and classes. After I do, I find out that most of them are kindergartners and first graders, people too young to know what a douche is or what its purpose is. I guess somewhere along the line, my classmates lost their way and came to believe that douches are somehow better than poop humor. It's totally weak.
I'm able to get all their signatures by the end of the day, bringing my count to thirty-six. Now how to get sixty-four more? I start with Kenny. He won't listen to reason, but he's such a poor piece of crap that I'm able to buy his signature and his vote for two dollars. Half now and half after he votes for me to ensure that he doesn't weasel out of the deal later. Now I have thirty-seven signatures and seem to have reached a dead end. It's okay, the power of manipulation will see me through this. My manipulation is justified. I'm just trying to lead everyone back down the right path after they've been corrupted by the Jew.