Hi guys! :D This is just a drabble, nothing fancy. I just watched the second part of Zombie tonight, and actually found myself tearing up after Maya and Katie were in that argument towards the end. This just came to me. I had to get it down. By the way, uhm, I love Cam Saunders. :'C
Hope you enjoy.
R&R. And get some tissues.
"I hate you, Campbell Saunders."
She hated him. Oh, how she hated him, so very much right now.
How dare him. How dare him leave her.. leave her alone. Just her, against all the stares she received in the hallway, all the whispers.
"There she is. The dead kid's girlfriend."
UGH. She hated that. The dead kid's girlfriend. It haunted her, everywhere she went. There were those stares, the whispers.. God, those whispers.
"What do you want me to do?!" She urged to scream at all the upper classmen. "To..to cry and sulk around all day like I have nothing better to do? Is that what you want?"
But no. She never said it, and probably never would. It didn't matter anyway. They would all just go on and say how "she's just not herself anymore". She scoffed. How tired she was of hearing that. None of those people knew her. She was a niner. She hadn't made her mark yet. But she would, eventually. After this whole dead kid girlfriend thing blew over.
Why did she keep referring to it like that? Why couldn't she say his name? She hadn't said it in a normal, everyday sentence. In fact, she hasn't said it in about two weeks, and it has only been three weeks since.. it happened. It happened. She couldn't bring herself to say what it was. She hated the words, sitting side by side in that sentence. Since Cam committed suicide.
And she found herself flinching, the very words leaving a salty taste on her tongue. Those words didn't belong there, and they never would. Because she would never say them again. Ever. To anyone. For as long as she lived.
She kept coming back to that one night, when Katie and their mother had walked in on her and Harry. She would never admit it to anyone but Hoot, but she was so terribly glad they came home when they did. Sure, she wanted Harry. But, now that she thought about it, she didn't want Harry the way that she had wanted Cam. The way she'll always want Cam.
God, Cam. She missed him so bad that it was making her physically tired. It was ridiculous. Everything reminded her of him: the couch she was on right now was the very one that they snuggled on and watched funny cat videos together, Hoot wrapped up in their arms. There was the video he left her, the one where he looked so happy and carefree, just sitting there, taunting her every time she went to answer a text from Tori or Tristan, or God-forbid, from Zig. Then, of course, the Ice Hockey logo was everywhere at all school. There was no escaping that, no matter how badly she wanted to.
She took in a deep, ragged breath, tears brimming her eyes as she thought back to yesterday when she had contemplated deleting the video in an attempt to feel some happiness again, her thumb hovering above the OK button. Thankfully her cat had bumped into her elbow, causing her to hit the back button. She found herself staring at the beginning of the video, the picture of Cam holding his phone, smiling and the twinkle in his eyes visible, frozen in time and burned into her mind.
She loved him. It hurt her when she thought of all the bad things she had said about him at the candlelight vigil, what she had said to Katie and Mr. Simpson and Tori and Tristan and Zig. She still loved him, and she swore if she said that she hated him ever again she would drop dead. She was sure about it. It was a sin to lie, right?
She wished her sister would hurry up and get here. It was beginning to become overwhelming, all these thoughts and new waves of emotions flooding her, while she sat in this big house all by herself.
"Hoot, I..I just wanna be happy again. I wish that I could be happy like I was before…before…"
And again, she couldn't bring herself to say it. It caught on her tongue, tearing away at her senses. It was so frustrating, and she threw Hoot down in a fit, her sobs and big gulps of air echoing through the empty house. She watched through blurred vision as the owl bounced to a halt, his big eyes staring back at her, wondering why he was so mad at her when he hadn't done anything. Those eyes, the ones that reminded her so much of when Cam wanted something from her and he would give her this look. A half-smile tugged on her lips as she thought about it, the one where he would tilt his head ever so softly to the side, his bottom lip protruding a little and that gentle twinkle in his eyes. The smile quickly faded. No. She wasn't going to think about it. He was gone, gone forever, and thinking about silly little things wasn't going to bring him back.
Silly little things.
He used to say that all the time, when he talked of…
"No," she said, to no one in particular. "Stop it. I don't wanna think of him anymore, I don't wanna miss him anymore, I don't wanna talk about him anymore, I don't wanna be sad anymore. I just want the pain to stop. I want to smile again, and not have people constantly ask me if I'm OK. I want everyone to forget about Cam."
Everyone but her. In all reality, she never wanted to forget Campbell Saunders. She never wanted to forget what they had, what they were, and what they could have been. She would never forget those charm bracelets he gave her, and her clovers she would wear at every concert, along with the very first charm he ever gave her. It was the most meaningful one, of course.
Granted, with time, people would forget the horrible tragedy. Well, not forget, but the subject wouldn't be brought up everyday in the hallways and on FaceRange. But one day she would go to school and not have people ask her all these questions and try to escort her to the counselor to talk. Everything would be normal again, or as normal as they would get, without Campbell Saunders. She loved him, and even though she knew one day there would be a day when she would meet some other boy, and she would fall in love with him. He won't have Cam's charm, he won't be anything like Cam, she already knew. But she would fall in love with someone, for some reason or another. And although he would fill the gap in her life, he would never fill the gap in her heart.
She knew it. It was inevitable.
But she wasn't afraid of it to happen. In fact, she couldn't wait. And for the first time in a few days, she cried, in memory of Cam.
"I love you, Campbell Saunders."
Don't throw rocks at me. I miss this kid like crazy.
Make sure to check out my other stories. I'm in a wright-ey mood. C: