A/N: My mind is messed up. I know, you don't need to remind me. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to do my homework...

Disclaimer: JK Rowling is our queen! I am merely one of her many subjects.

~Of iPods, Flappy Bird and Breaking the Fourth Wall~

An HP fic by

Marie E. Brooke

[Dedicated to Michal and Kriz]

"OK, this is getting old," Sirius informed a technology-crazed James, who was currently tapping away on some kind of Muggle contraption called an iPod, his eyes fixated on the bright screen. "What's so interesting about that thing, anyways?" he added.

Lily, who had just came into the deserted common room and spotted the pair of boys, answered Sirius' question. "It's an iPod, which was made by a company called Apple," she explained. "Apple is one of the most successful companies in the electronic industry and – wait a minute, iPods haven't even been invented during this era!" she said, addressing the last bit towards the wall on the right, which was covered with a red and gold wallpaper.

"Too bad," said a booming voice from the wall, which sounded not at all booming and more light and feminine. It also sounded suspiciously like one of those fangirling writers that frequently visited (and annoyed) the Gryffindor so they could write fanfiction about them. "I entered a competition that required me to use prompts that include electronics," she continued, then frowned. "Well, that would kind of make it an AU, since electronics don't work in Hogwarts, but you guys could still use magic. I guess that would make it a crack!fic, and there's nothing…" There was the sharp sound of fingers snapping, following by an onslaught of high-pitched squealing. "That's it! I can merge this into my other challenge about crack!fics! Yes! I am a genius!" The eager fanfiction writer ranted on and on about how amazing she was for quite some time.

Lily facepalmed. "You know, sometimes I think that even wizards are more sane than Muggles," she said, sighing and trying to tune out the rambling fangirl.

"Frankly, that's quite insulting," Remus put in mildly.

Meanwhile, James was staring at his iPod screen in pure horror. His trembling hands dropped the sleek, silver object, and he let out a guttural scream, tearing frantically at his chestnut hair and messing it up even more than usual. One. Just one measly point, and I would've beaten my highscore. The thought was too despairing to keep him quiet for any longer. "NO, FLAPPY BIRD, WHY?!" he screeched, his anguished look directed towards the bright screen that seemed to be taunting him with its cruel message, spelled out in pixilated orange letters: Game Over. "NO!" he wailed again, just to be dramatic. "NOOOOOO!"

Lily stared at him, a deadpan expression on her face. She spared the hunched figure of James Potter only a few seconds before turning to Sirius and telling him, "You know, I correct my previous statement. Wizards will forever be the most insane and bizarre creatures."

"You do know that you're a wizard too, right?" said Remus, butting into the conversation once more.

"Shut up!" said Lily and Sirius at the same time. This started a small squabble between the three, and their bickering slowly escalated into a full-on shouting match. Soon, furniture was being thrown, homework was turning into paper bits, and Merlin's underpants were being mentioned.

The shrill screeches of James combined with the loud thumps and shouts of the threesome's arguing were enough to gather the attention of the Minerva McGonagall, the Head of the Gryffindor house.

Unfortunately, she was in the middle of a teacher conference.

She turned to the other teachers. "Did you hear that?" she asked.

This statement aroused a burst of hushed chattering from the other professors.

"Here what?"

"I didn't hear anything!"

"Well, she's Minerva McGonagall. She's telling the truth. And she's a cat."

"So what?"

"Aren't there more important – "

"Shut up, or else we won't be able to hear anything!" All the teachers fell silent for exactly five seconds before bursting into angry chatter once more.

Minerva resisted the urge to facepalm at the childish behavior of her fellow staff members. She glanced at Dumbledore. Dumbledore was merely leaning back in his magically enhanced chair, surveying the squabbling teachers with the air of somebody who is trying hard not to laugh at something that is very funny.

Minerva grumbled something that was far beyond the K rating, and stood up. "I'm going to go see if anything is going on," she announced to the teachers. They ignored her, as they were too busy whacking each other on the head with their wands and casting silly charms. (She swore that she saw a few sparks of blue light shoot out from the tip of Dumbledore's wand.)

With one last scornful glance, she swept out of the room and started purposefully down the hallway, one hand gripping her wand – just in case she needed to cast any spells to aid her in her search - and the other cupped around her ear. She didn't need her wand to know where all the shouts and yells were coming from, though – it was quite obvious that the source of the ruckus was the Gryffindor tower.

After a long climb up several winding staircases, Minerva finally came to a stop in front of the portrait-hole.

"I wouldn't go in there if I were you," warned the Fat Lady before Minerva could open her mouth. "It's really…messy." She shuddered. Minerva had a feeling that it was a bit more than "messy."

"Sugar plums," she said curtly.

The Fat Lady sighed. "Figures," she muttered. "And sugar plums? Seriously? What kind of password is that?"

"Dumbledore picked the passwords."

"Ah," was all the Fat Lady said as the portrait swung aside. "Be careful!" the Fat Lady called after her. She nodded in acknowledgement, wondering what kinds of horrors were in store for her. Well, whatever it was, she could handle. She was the Head of the Gryffindor house. She could handle anything.

"What the bloody hell is – OW! Stop that this – OOOOWWW!"

"NO! THE FLAPPY BIRD! YOU WILL LIVE IN MY MEMORY – OOH, IS THAT FLAPPY FISH?"

"James Potter, stop that infernal racket this – "

"STOP! IT'S DOWNLOADING!"

"In the name of Merlin's boxers – "

"Actually, the correct term is 'Merlin's underpants.'"

"Nobody cares, Remus!"

"YES! FLAPPY FISH!"

"Rictusempra!"

"This is completely – HAHAHAHA!"

Five minutes later…

Minerva Gonagall came barreling through the portrait hole, staggering slightly in her haste to escape WFB (War of Flappy Boxers). One hand holding a magical ice pack to her cheek, she tore down the stairs and out of sight.

Once she was safely out of earshot, the Fat Lady lifted the hem of her dress to allow a small girl to crawl out, a notepad and pencil in hand. "You're welcome," she told the girl.

"Thank you for letting me use your portrait as a hiding spot. My story needed a little bit of a twist ending," she said, jolting down a few more notes on her notepad. "All I need to do is publish it," she added brightly.

"My payment?" The Fat Lady stretched out a pudgy hand expectantly.

The girl handed her an iPod. "Only for a week," she said.

"Yes! Now I can read more fanfiction!" The Fat Lady eagerly snatched the iPod, a loopy grin on her face.

"I'm glad you like it," said the author encouragingly. "And…Wait, are you reading smut?"

"Um, what are you talking about?" The Fat Lady studiously avoided eye contact. "I'm, um, playing Flappy Bird!" she supplied, randomly clicking on an app.

The author rolled her eyes. "Sure…Whatever, I have to go. Bye!" With those last words, the writer dashed out of the painting.

Meanwhile, the Fat Lady was frantically tapping the screen. "Oooh, this is – No, why did you have to die!?" she yelled at the screen, jabbing continuously at the screen, but to no avail.

Suddenly, a loud yell came from the Gryffindor common room. "WHO STOLE MY iPOD?!"

Contests:

[*2015* New Years Millionaire Fanfiction Resolutions & Goals Competition: Write about Muggle objects at Hogwarts (aka: internet, mobile phones etc)]