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I just wish that…..

Steven Hay, I never thought that I could fall so hard for a boy like him. The thing is though he is different from anyone I have ever known, he gets me every single time with his warmth and ability to care. He told me he was worried about me and I could tell from the sadness in his eyes that he meant it. I don't even know if I deserve him to worry about me but im glad he does, it means that he still cares about me. He was offering me support, offering me help and I wanted to take it, I wanted to reach out to him, hold him, and to feel him in my arms again. I wanted to tell him that I needed him but the words never came out.

Steven though he knew, he knows me better than I know myself; he knew exactly what I wanted to say. I don't know if I was too proud or too stubborn or maybe I was just scared that if I laid my heart on the line that he would reject me again. I told him that I wanted to keep Chez safe, that I had to get her away and that protecting her was my main concern. One of the many reasons I love Steven is he understands without words, so the help he wanted to give me but I couldn't take he gave to Chez instead.

That boy had the power to make anyone do anything that he asked, he had a way about him and he doesn't even know it, that's what makes him so special. He genuinely cared, okay so he might not have been the cleverest person you'd ever meet but he was wise and he understood people, he could always get through to them. He got through to Chez just like I knew he would and going back to Ireland was the best thing for her, out of danger and out of harm's way. I couldn't let anything happen to her, i would rather die.

I thanked him but I wanted to do so much more, he looked so beautiful. Our eyes locked together, it was almost like old times, when he was mine, when I was his, when everything was right in the world. But my world is far from right now, Lynsey, Chez, the club and being without him, everything had gone wrong. I don't usually do regrets but that was until I met Steven and now I regret so much. If only I could have been more of a man back then and accepted who I was, who I'd always wanted to be. I could have had it all and more importantly i could have had it all with Steven. I've made a lot of mistakes, mistakes i wish i could rectify but its just too late.

When Chez and I got in to the cab, he was there showing support, letting me know that there was still a place for me in his life. That meant more to me than he will ever know and I needed it, I needed him to be there and deep down he knew that. If only he could come too, i don't think i'd ever go back. I felt sad leaving him, although were not even together, it felt like i was losing someone else. I don't even know how long I will be away but I do know that I will miss him, i will miss his face.

We've been a part of each other for so long that it's hard to let go completely, I won't ever let go of him, I can't. He made a choice to be with Douglas i know that but i can tell he feels something for me, why else would he be around me now, he still looks at me that way; it can't all be in my head can it? I know that he'll continue on worrying about me and I know that I will cross his mind but thinking about me is good, who knows what it could lead to.

I want more than that though, I want to be the one person he can't live without, like he is mine. I want to see his face every day for real and not just in my head or in my dreams. He makes me stronger by just being around me and I feel like I can do anything as long as he is by my side. If he isn't the one for me then why do I still feel this way for him? I know I had my chance to change but I wasn't ready then, it's just my luck that now I am he has moved on. He let me down when I needed him the most once before, but he has made up for it this time, he owes me nothing now. He doesn't have to show any compassion towards me but he chooses to anyway that's got to mean something, I hope that it means something.

In the days to come I will think of him like I always do, I will think of the kindness that he has shown me, that he has shown Chez and I will love him even more if that is even possible. My love for him will last a life time so when I said to him I just wish that...what i wanted to say was...

I just wish that you still loved me.

please review lovely people :) xx xx xx xx xx xx