The Overwhelming Thoughts of My Brain

by cainefanatic6

i wrote this a while ago but i saved it until most of the fandom got to read light or find out what happens. LIGHT SPOILERS. pretty much just what i think is going through connies mind after the FAYZ.

Guilt - Caine

I was filled with a lot of overwhelming thoughts in my brain. The worst one? Guilt. The feeling that I failed Caine. What I did to Sam when he came out was horrible, it was and still is his time of need, but it's mine too. He doesn't understand that I have feelings too, being a mother of twins trapped in the FAYZ and only one son coming out.

The depression I had when Taegan died came back all of a sudden, worse than it ever was before. This time, I didn't lose a husband, I lost my son. The son I gave up in fear that I would kill him. But maybe, just maybe, he would have lived if I kept him.

I know he died in a noble and honorable death. That one action must have redeemed him of all the things he has done wrong, but it doesn't change the fact that he's dead. I still can't fully grasp the fact that he's gone. Forever. And I know this is a terrible thought, but I think to myself, "Why couldn't it be someone else?". Sometimes, I have the horrible thought of Sam dying in Caine's place. It's a horrible thought. Yet I still think about it.

Every night I wake up from grief-stricken nightmares. I always find myself crying and screaming out "Caine!" or "Noooo!" or "Why?!". This is one of the reasons I had to leave Sam. If he heard me, it would just destroy him. The twin brother he never knew he had until a little more than a year ago died. In front of him. It could have been him, but his younger brother stepped up and did the job. It should have been him. Oh god, there go those thoughts again. I feel so guilty thinking these thoughts. I just can't help it.

I keep thinking back to the last time I talked to Caine. The day before the FAYZ. I think about the last time I saw him in person, alive. The day the FAYZ barrier came to be. The first time I saw him since then. He was with three people I recognized: SamTemple, my son, his twin brother, who he was standing next to; Diana Ladris, the girl it was so obvious he had a crush on, who may or may not be more than that now because I see the way their eyes looked when they locked eyes on each other; and Drake Merwin, the third member of the Coates trio. The sadist who used to walk around Coates sending kids to my office every day. Sadly, I also recognized the dead girl laying on the concrete with her brains coming out, Penny. She used to go to Coates as well, and from what I remember, used to follow Caine around like a stalker with none of the trio noticing. The one person I didn't recognize was the toddler next to Diana. The same toddler who just so happened to be getting hit by the light coming from Sam's hands.

I later came to find out that this girl was my granddaughter. Gaia. Daughter of Caine Soren and Diana Ladris. Niece of Sam Temple. Also the most dangerous person in the FAYZ. The one Caine sacrificed his life for. I couldn't possibly imagine what it was like for Diana to just stand by and watch the love of her life die alongside their daughter. She lost the two most important people in her life at that moment.

I thought about Caine as a baby. I didn't give him up until he was about 5 months old. He was such a beautiful baby, and surprisingly bigger than Sam. That part was a little strange considering Sam was older, but then again its only a 3 minute age difference. Back then his name was David Temple. When I think about it, Caine really suited him. A lot more than David ever would have. Anyways, I thought about how he and Sam always played together as babies. They never fought or anything. I've heard that in the early days of the FAYZ, they fought a lot. But towards five months till the end, they came to a rocky relationship. They maintained peace between themselves. No more fighting.

I abandoned Caine at his time of need. His childhood. Maybe if he grew up with me and Sam, things would be different now.

It's all my fault.

I try to tell myself that it isn't, that its just the depression and anxiety saying that, but I knew it was true.

Something deep inside me told me it was true.

And now I abandoned Sam at his time of need. I wouldn't be surprised if he has depression, or post traumatic stress disorder, or an anxiety disorder, or all three. But I have had all those, minus the PTS, and they were strong before, but now they're even stronger.

I just hope he understands one day.

I hope he knows that I know that I failed him and his brother.

And I hope he knows I'm sorry.