Disclaimer for entire fic: The closest thing I own to Naruto is a pack of fishcakes in the freezer. Nothing else is mine.

Freudian Slip

Chapter 1: Thanks for the Mammaries

Hinata really should be more upset.

She looked around the battlefield in a daze. Everyone she loved was dead, scattered across the leveled ground. They looked like they were sleeping, laying on little beds of dark red dirt. If she squinted, she could see the bright yellow of Naruto's hair. It didn't hurt anymore to see him. Earlier she'd been choking on her frantic tears, desperate to save him from Pein. She'd managed to delay that man for a few minutes, but was then swatted aside and pinned to the ground like a bug. Then she watched in helpless horror as the Akatsuki leader proceeded to extract the Kyuubi and then raze her village to the ground.

Tall columns of smoke obscured what little remained of Konoha, framing a gray horizon. The distant patter of raindrops striking the ground startled her. She hadn't felt anything. Hinata held up her hands, watching in fascination as the rain passed through them.

Oh.

She was dead, too.

"Then why am I still here?"

She did not expect to have her question answered.

"Because you have unfinished business." If her heart was still beating, it would have stopped right then.

"W-who's there?" She scanned the grounds again. Someone was struggling by where Naruto's shell lay. It was a red-haired woman who glowed from the sheer amount of red chakra dancing across her skin. She looked like she was...clawing her way out of his stomach? She was sure pregnancy didn't work that way. Hinata walked/floated to the red-haired woman, who was still stuck half-way out of his torso and cursing up storm. Her long hair whipped around her like the tails of the Kyuubi. "Um...do you need help?"

"Hell yes. Do you think being trapped inside your dead son is enjoyable?" the redhead snapped. Hinata blinked.

"You're Naruto-kun's mom?" She bowed respectfully. "Pleased to meet you."

"Name's Uzumaki Kushina, but this is the worst possible time for introductions right now. Cut that shit and help me out already."

"Ah, sorry." Hinata tried to grab Kushina's hands, but she passed through her. "Sorry...I can't touch you."

"Figured. Give me a second." She grunted and pushed herself every harder. With an audible pop, the redhead slipped free and fell through Hinata's transparent body.

"Thanks for trying, girly." Kushina untangled her limbs from her long hair and stood, dusting herself off. She was wearing a black shift dress over a neon orange shirt. "Anyways, as I was saying, you have some unfinished business." Her words trigger something inside her.

Hinata responded by bursting into phantom tears. Apparently she was still upset over the destruction of everything she'd cared for.

"Hey hey hey, what the hell are you doing? Why are you crying?" Kushina tried to pat Hinata's shoulder comfortingly, but her hands kept passing through them.

"I...I c-couldn't protect Naruto-kun!" Hinata sobbed. "He's dead!"

"Well, yeah," Kushina said bluntly. "He had his soul ripped out." Hinata wailed even louder, reaching the destructive decibels that could shatter glass. The redhead covered her ears with a wince.

"Stop that! Stop crying!" Hinata ignored her and continued adding to the growing pool of ecoplasmic tears underneath her floating feet. Kushina couldn't slap the hysterical ghost so she did the next best thing.

"Maito Gai is my secret baby-daddy!"

Hinata stopped. She shivered so hard some of her particles disintegrated and her outline blurred.

"Please don't joke about such horrors, Kushina-san," she whispered. Kushina gave her the stink eye.

"Are you ready to listen now?" Hinata nodded mutely. "Good. As you pointed out rather...erm, loudly you couldn't protect Naruto. Therefore, you have a lot of guilt still tying you to this world."

"Am I the only one left?" Hinata asked in a watery voice. Kushina nodded.

"Afraid so. Everyone else tried their best - not that you didn't," Kushina added quickly when Hinata began to tear up again, "- and were able to move on to the afterlife, but you have an unusually strong guilt-complex in this particular case. In other words, you love my son too much to accept his death." Kushina gave Hinata fond smile before continuing. "I already know that you are willing to die for him."

"Of course. I vow that I would do anything for him!" Hinata said. Kushina looked pleased.

"Good. I'm holding you to that. What I'm offering you is a second chance, girly. Pein only took the Kyuubi's soul, since all that chakra had already fused with me. It's way more than enough to send you back in time to fix a few things so Naruto doesn't croak only a few minutes after becoming a toad-sage." Hinata's eyes lit up. She always knew Naruto had a difficult life, but had only recently discovered the full scope of it. If she could go back with prior knowledge, she was sure to save him from loneliness and win his heart!

Kushina shook her head and clicked her tongue disapprovingly.

"Don't even think about that. You're not in some fucked up romance novel where you go back to take care of him and kiss his boo-boos," she scolded as she put her hands on her hips. "I'm sending you back as your fifteen-year-old self, so any romance would make you a dirty, pervy pedophile. And yes, I've seen that perverted look on your face whenever Naruto says something remotely suggestive. I'm watching you." Kushina's eyes flashed suspiciously "I like you, but I'm not letting my son be a victim of statutory rape." Hinata's heart sank.

"How far back are you sending me? And what am I going to be doing if I'm not taking care of Naruto-kun?"

"To when you were kidnapped. That's the best chance to slip into the time stream and switch with yourself. There are a few rules to time-travel, but the main gist of all of them is that there are roles that must be filled. Contrary to popular belief, no event is set in stone for specific person, but the parts that play out those events must exist. Get what I'm saying?"

"So I'm doing the deeds of some one else." Kushina nodded proudly, flashing a grin that left Hinata no doubt that she was Naruto's mother.

"Yup! My baby's strong, and he actually had a chance in defeating all his enemies. However, he wasted too many years chasing after the Uchiha brat when he should have been training." Hinata's expression darkened at the mention of Sasuke. He was the bastard that caused Naruto pain, and he would pay for that. Kushina continued, though she noted the Hyuuga's frightening expression. "Cool the plans for vengeance. I'm sending you back to keep Uchiha Sasuke from becoming a mindfucked revenge drone so he won't defect and distract my son."

"How?" Hinata was starting to regret her reckless vow.

"How else? You're going to massacre the Uchiha clan."

"Ha. Ha. Ha." Hinata laughed hollowly at the bad joke. "So how am I really going to save Naruto-kun?" Kushina looked at her with a frown.

"I'm not kidding. You're going to take Uchiha Itachi's place in the massacre so he won't have to leave the village or traumatize Sasuke."

"So he won't have to?" Hinata echoed. "I thought he killed them to test his potential."

"Incorrect. He was ordered to by the council."

"Ordered?" Hinata parroted faintly. Kushina rolled her eyes.

"Yes, yes, biggest conspiracy of the century. Yondaime is Naruto's father, I was the previous Jinchuuriki, Orochimaru likes little boys, and Danzo's a peeping tom in more ways than one and ordered Itachi to commit whole-clan-except-little-brother-cide. Any other big damn secrets I'm missing?" Hinata shook her head with wide eyes as Kushina continued. "It's all old news to me. Just trust that it is. The fact is, you will need to take Itachi's blame. But that means you also have to fulfill the conditions of going missing-nin, joining the Akatsuki and such for that role." She stopped to look at Hinata, who had managed to turn even paler. "Don't worry, Hinata-chan. I'll be helping you out. You have another three or four years after the jump to train and plan."

Hinata managed only a squeak of protest as she shook her head. There was no way she had the skills to do what Itachi did, regardless of whether he was driven by evil or good. She'd be dead three minutes in of being declared a missing-nin. Kushina's offer of help did not make her feel any better.

"You're not thinking of backing out, do you?" Kushina said darkly. "You already vowed, so I own your soul until you fulfill our agreement."

"W-who are you?" Kushina smiled in way that showed too many sharp teeth.

"I really am Naruto's mother. But if you're asking, my clan descended from demons, which is why I'm able to offer you this deal at all."

She'd made a deal with a demon.

Said demon just happened to be Naruto's mom.

The Cloud ninja crowed to himself as he leaped along the roof. Capturing the heir to the famous Hyuuga clan had been too easy. He really couldn't believe that the weak little girl unconscious under his arm was key to one of the most desired bloodlines in the world - the Byakugan. But it was what his superior wanted, and he couldn't wait for his promotion after this.

The ninja jumped high to clear the last barrier between him and freedom, only to stumble when the tiny bundle he held suddenly become very, very heavy.

And soft.

Why was he also holding a naked and extremely buxom woman? In fact that was most luscious pair of -

Before the nin could control himself, the twin jet streams of blood from his nostrils propelled him back to the ground with a mighty crash. The impact, and blood loss, rendered him unconscious.

Hinata picked herself up from the rubble dizzily. She stumbled and fell to the ground. What happened? One moment, she'd been staring at Kushina in horror and then the next she was...feeling rather drafty. She looked down at herself and screamed.

"Why are my boobs so huge!" The nudity was easily fixed by taking her captors clothes, but she couldn't even stand up without severe back pain.

"Hush, you're only going attract every ninja in the area!"

Hinata screamed again.

"My boobs just spoke to meeeee!" What kind of nightmarish world is this?

"No, not your boobs, stupid. Get a hold of yourself and pipe down before you ruin the entire plan." She forced herself to calm down, even though it was hard to breath with the monstrous weight on her chest. The voice coming from her breasts sounded a lot of Kushina.

"Kushina-san...why are you possessing my boobs?" she asked. She managed a half-shuffle to the Cloud nin and took his clothes. It hurt a lot less move after she bound her chest.

"Where else would you carry all my chakra on such short notice? Your coils aren't big enough and fat is the next most efficient storage system for energy," Kushina sniffed. "Don't think that I'm a willing party in this. It was either this or your ass, and I am not going to be the butt of that kind of joke. Anyways, I'll fix the proportions of chakra later. There are people coming. This is your chance to integrate yourself into the village."

"But what about my original body?" Hinata dug through the rubble until she found the tiny form of her younger self.

"There can't be two "Hyuuga Hinata"s in the same world," Kushina said softly. Hinata nodded, not understanding why she was crying over herself. She didn't even like her younger, cowardly self. And she was still here, wasn't she? She caressed her younger self's bangs with a gentle hand and wiped away her tears. Only now, could she begin to sense the chakra of several approaching nin. Kushina's senses were much sharper than hers.

"So who am I? I can't be Hyuuga Hinata."

"Why not? I just said that there can't be two of them. The kid over there had your role as heir to Hyuuga, but her name is -

"Hikaru!"

Hiashi dropped to the ground with a snarl. Several branch Hyuuga flanked him.

"Where is Hyuuga Hikaru?"

Hinata suppressed a squeak when she tried to bow and toppled forward, still unused to the added weight up top.

"Hiashi-sama, Hizashi-sama," Kushina greeted in a surprisingly accurate imitation Hinata's voice. Hinata's head was bowed, so the Hyuuga wouldn't notice that it wasn't her speaking but rather her breasts. There was no way she could explain that one. "I am unworthy. I managed to incapacitate the kidnapper, but I was too late." She kept her gaze on the ground. She heard Hiashi send several Hyuuga over to the rubble. They dragged the Kumo-nin's body to the leader's feet. Another followed, respectfully carrying Hyuuga Hikaru's body.

Hinata peeked up at her father's face. His expression was twisted in grief. She wondered if Hiashi even loved her like that, or was this another change to the timeline.

"Thank you..." Hiashi said distractedly, eyes still on his daughter's corpse.

"Hinata," she filled in for him. He nodded absently.

"Clean up here. I'm going back." Hiashi left with half the Hyuuga, while Hizashi remained behind to oversee the distasteful cover-up. Her uncle looked down at Hinata, who was still crouched on the ground.

"While you are commended for taking down this scum, I must ask why you are wearing the Cloud uniform yourself."

"Um...well, you see..." Hinata blushed a deep shade of red. She averted her eyes. Hizashi's pale eyes narrowed in suspicion as he started to form the seal to activate his Byakugan. "I lost my clothes in battle. And I didn't want to shame my clan with public indecency." She pushed herself up so she was kneeling upright. Even in the dark, she could see Hizashi turn bright red.

"Ah...I see you have the Hyuuga eyes...and clearly those are not your clothes," he muttered as he averted his eyes. That was putting it nicely. Hinata's new enhancements were straining the seams of the borrowed shirt to its limits. It was a testament to the mental fortitude of her uncle that only a small trickle of blood escaped from his nose. "I will finish up here. Report back to the estates and ...please change."

Hinata ran as fast as she could without throwing herself off balance. Which was not very fast at all. Even in the dead of the night, her enormous assets seemed to generate their own field of gravity and draw in every pervert in the village.

This was not what she expected when she agreed to save Naruto.

Not at all.