chapter thirty-nine
You deserve someone who you can love without hesitation.
Sage's words had echoed in Logan's head as he walked back to Graham Hall. Before reaching the entrance to the building, he stopped and stared out toward the west, toward a sunset so spectacular that it looked as though God himself had commissioned one of his finest artists to paint it onto this evening's sky.
Logan looked but did not see. There was only one sight of sufficient beauty to truly register to him at this point, but Sage's face was likely thousands of miles away, lost in a sea of other faces so vast that there was no hope he would ever find it, regardless of how hard or long he looked, and he would never gaze upon it again.
No matter how much one could tell themselves that it was concern for the other person that prevented them from moving on - that the reason Sage pervaded his thoughts for so long after she moved away was because he did not know that she was safe and happy - it was a lie. Logan was done lying to himself, this evening had proved that.
Tiffany was a nice girl. Objectively, Logan could acknowledge the fact that their first date had gone well. She was gorgeous, and obviously into him, and he even managed to make her laugh more than a couple of times. Subjectively, however, the night could not have been worse. Logan didn't even remember much of it, for he was only there in body - his mind was elsewhere; somewhere far, far away.
You are nice, Tiffany. I should feel lucky you are sitting across from me. You are nice, Tiffany, but all I want right now, is Sage.
This sentiment had echoed inside of Logan's head since the moment he had sat down at their table. Everything felt wrong. The restaurant was beautiful; the food was great; and the company was nice; and the only thing that would have made Logan truly feel like any of that was true was Sage's presence.
Logan turned away from the last ray of sunlight reaching over the mountains, and walked inside the building to his dorm.
He opened his door and fell into the darkness. He landed on his bed. He didn't want to sleep; he didn't want to eat; he didn't want to join Jack at the party he had invited him to this morning; he didn't want to do anything.
Logan picked up the guitar he had been learning to play since he had arrived in Mizzou. At first, he was determined to just learn a few chords. Now, the count stood at ten chords, and he was learning more each day. He picked through several major chords, but they didn't sound right for some reason. He had always loved the sound of the 'F' chord - the single chord that Laura had learned to play during the week that she went through a music phase years ago when they were kids. Tonight, however, the chord felt wrong. He then picked through a sequence of minor chords - the 'sad' chords. These chords sounded right.
Logan laid down, his body sinking slightly into the bed. He still half-heartedly picked at the strings.
His mind travelled back in time to when Sage and he had visited McDonalds. His mind recalled every pore on her face as she made him howl with laughter with her little puppet-show. His ability to recall her face so vividly was something of a solace, for he had no picture of the woman who would haunt him until his breathed no longer.
Hope was cruel he thought, recalling Sage's words from her letter. Every minute of every day, the hope that Sage would just walk through the door and tell him that she would never walk back out of it was his torturer. Wise words, Sage.
He continued mindlessly picking the guitar, utterly oblivious to the frequent discordances which resulted from his clumsy fingering.
Maybe if I was found out, you would stand by me this time. I'd like to think you would, she had said.
"People grow," Logan started to himself. "People change. People experience things and realise where they went wrong, and what is truly important in their lives."
I would like to think you would, she had said.
Logan stopped playing.
"I would this time," he said softly into the nothingness.
He put the guitar down, and the silence which followed devoured what was left of his soul.
"I know you would," a familiar voice replied from the void.
Logan smiled, and he closed his eyes to go to sleep.
"Logan," the voice continued.
Logan sat up.
He looked toward the door. It was now fully open. The dull light from the hallway outside streamed in, revealing the silhouette of a woman.
"Laura?" Logan asked groggily as he put his head back down.
"No, Logan," the voice said.
It only now struck Logan to whom this voice belonged.
He jerked up and fumbled like a maniac for a light-switch.
In a single moment, all of the depression, all of the sorrow, was extinguished by the sight of her warm smile as she leaned against the side of the doorway with her arms crossed. In a second, the emptiness inside him was filled.
"Hi," she said gently as she stood upright.
Logan said nothing.
He slowly moved toward her, a strange mixed of sadness, happiness, and sheer-disbelief upon his face.
He paused for a moment, just in front of her.
As she stared into his eyes, he felt something that he had not felt for a very long time now. He couldn't seem to determine what that feeling was. Then he did. It was happiness.