I don't like to do self-insert pieces, but I thought this would be an interesting concept. Besides, the focus should be on them, not me.
Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach and do not stand to make profit off of it, despite what I say in this fic.
Renji gazed upon the half-naked Ichigo with lust in his eyes. He looped his arms around the strawberry's waist and leaned in towards those pouting lips. Ichigo's breath hitched at the contact, and he flushed red at being so close to the other man. As Renji's lips ghosted upon his, he breathed "Onegai, Renji-kun…"
Renji shoved Ichigo away from him as Ichigo twitched violently at the words that had just come out of his mouth. "What the fuck? I would never, ever say 'onegai' to that bastard, and who's saying I'm bottom?". Meanwhile, Renji gagged in the corner and violently exclaimed that none of this was, in fact, part of his contract.
The author sighed and rubbed the bridge of her nose. As expected, this was not going well. The whole idea for the "Bleach Yaoi Orgy Extrrrrrravaganza" seemed a good one at the time, and she even got permission from Yamamoto-taichou to organize the event, under the guise of a "convocation to raise awareness for men's health" or some other such bullshit. After an all-too-enthusiastically presented advertisement for male enhancement as acted out by Gin (Shinsou's participation included), Yamamoto-taichou believed the author's story and let her proceed with her scheme as planned.
Of course, this was not just her idea. Throngs of Bleach fangirls, especially those coming in yaoi-flavor, jumped aboard the bandwagon like Renji on Ichigo in a poorly-written smut. The whole shebang stood to make a cool mint for the Bleach yaoi community, with the added bonus of some fantastic Shinigami-on-Arrancar-on-Quincy action.
If anyone would participate, that was.
The males "invited" (read: forced) into the event were unwilling at best, and downright apoplectic with fury at worst. Renji and Ichigo seemed to be a safe place to start, as the pairing was a fan favorite, but neither of them were presenting the proper chemistry, especially since the reaction the author was witnessing was a rather violent one of Ichigo and Renji yelling, throwing punches, and the occasional noogie.
She surveyed the other victims. Ishida was knitting furiously to try and take his mind off of the impending scenes to come, as he was the bottom in nearly every one. Byakuya and Ulquiorra were reading a novel and not caring, respectively, while Hitsugaya asked a madly blushing Ukitake what "rimming" was. Ikkaku pouted while Yumichika flipped his hair around and acted like a priss in general. Hisagi was running around in a panic trying to piece together his next article for Seireitei Communication, not realizing the irony of the 69 tattoo on his cheek. Shunsui was out cold against one of the walls, having ingested a weeks' worth of sake well before his bedtime. Grimmjow was licking his balls just for shits and giggles while Kenpachi threatened anyone who came within 10 feet of him with Yachiru babysitting duties for the next twelve thousand centuries. Gin was the only one even remotely interested in participating, as he regarded Yumichika with a particularly predatorial gaze.
Urahara, of course, had volunteered to film the whole thing.
"Guys, guys, calm down, it's just a little making out. There's nothing wrong with that." The author was trying to placate Ichigo and Renji and was failing miserably.
"'Just a little making out'? News flash, both of us are straight! And even if I were gay, there is no way I'd tongue-dance with that freakin' ugly-ass strawberry head!"
"Who're you calling a strawberry head, ya freakin' pineapple? And besides, if there's anyone here who's a homo, it's you. If you stared at Byakuya's ass any harder when you walked behind him, you'd burn a hole in his hakama!"
The author chose this moment to bang her head against the wall as the arguing escalated and involved choice words about Renji's mother, then Ichigo's mother ("She's dead, you asshole!") and manhoods, or supposed lack thereof. "I'm under orders from Yamamoto-taichou to get this thing made, and you're all under very strict orders from Yamamoto-taichou not to murder me, or at least to wait until filming's done. Now will you shut up and cooperate?"
"Hell no! I'm not kissing another guy, no way, no how!" shouted Ichigo, and with that he stormed off into a corner to sulk. Renji glared at her one last time before joining Ichigo in menacing the walls. The author sighed and turned to Ishida. "Okay, Ishida, how about we try doing that scene between you and Byakuya?"
Ishida flushed bright red and threw his knitting at the author in indignance. She ducked and felt, rather than saw, the glare the captain of the 6th division was sending her before he turned back to his novel. "Okay, we'll do that later. Ikkaku, Yumichika, move over to—oh for God's sake, Yumichika, take off that stupid orange cowl thingie before I feed it through a woodchipper."
"Absolutely not. It's lovely and complements my eyes!"
"It's going to knitting hell. Take it off, and get rid of the rest of your clothing as well. Actually, Ikkaku, do it for him. And get Kenpachi over here while you're at it, since this is the 11th division threesome special. It was a foursome before Renji decided to be a princess about it." She was met with protests on all accounts (Kenpachi didn't speak so much as shake his head threatenly, the bells providing his objection) and turned to Urahara for help. He shrugged and turned the camera to Grimmjow, who had ceased licking his balls and decided to give the finger instead. Ulquiorra was still very actively and vociferously not caring.
Hitsugaya, who looked as though he was about to spontaneously combust with embarrassment, suddenly came to his senses and asked "Hey, wait a sec. Where's Aizen-taichou?"
"Ah, him. Well, I have a pretty-strict 'No self-obsessed pricks' policy, Yumichika being the obvious exception because he's only very, very vain and narcissistic. The sign over there should explain everything." The sign to which she pointed read "No Uchihas" in bold, block lettering.
She was about to continue in her rambling when shouts of "Eeeh, get him off, get him off!" interrupted her thoughts. Ishida had been propositioned by Gin, who took "no" to mean "yes" and "yes" to mean "harder". Ishida was trying in vain to get the shinigami off of him without slipping any stitches, while Gin was trying very hard to get into Ishida's pants.
"Ooh, I like the looks of this! Urahara, get that camera over here, we've finally got some of that non-con everyone was asking for!" Things proceeded well until Ishida stabbed Gin in the eye with his knitting needle and joined Ichigo and Renji in the sulking corner. Shunsui muttered something about Nanao while Gin, not to be deterred, moved on to Hisagi as his next victim with every intent of showing him just how appropriate that 69 was. The author decided that once this was done, she was taking Gin to the vet and getting him neutered. She turned to Byakuya in a vain attempt for something, anything, but he merely said "no" and, having finished his novel, began arranging flowers.
"Look, all of you have orders to do this! Why the hell will none of you participate?"
"Because we're not gay!" shouted Hisagi as he kicked Gin in the face. "None of us are! Not even Yumichika, despite being the best-dressed of anyone here! Why do you authors insist on making all of us homosexual, is it for your own sick pleasures?"
"What?!" the author cried with indignance. "My own sick pleasures, hell no! I'm not doing this for me, I'm doing it for the fans! I stand to make a lot of money off of this!"
"Wait, so you're telling us that in addition to humiliating us, you get paid as well? Oh that's it, I'm out of here and I'm taking a nap!" Hitsugaya began storming off when suddenly, a little devil popped up on the author's shoulder and she got a wonderful idea.
"As a matter of fact, I am getting paid, and as a thanks for your cooperation, I'd like to share the profits with you. Provided you behave like naughty little boys, that is," said the author as the little devil did a jig for joy.
"Profit, eh? What kinda profit are we talkin'?" asked Grimmjow, who was finally decent enough for daytime television.
"The pre-orders alone are enough for me to pay off my student loans and then some. With the amount of orders I'll be getting once the rest of the community hears about this, we stand to make…" she did some quick figuring in her head before replying, "what accountants would call a 'royal fuck-ton' of money. If the lot of you conduct yourselves as I've requested, I'll split the profits with you 80/20, my favor."
"No dice," muttered Ulquiorra before he went back to painstakingly not caring.
"Okay, 70/30?"
"50/50," said Hisagi, and several others nodded in agreement.
The author sighed and pushed her glasses up her nose. "You guys drive a hard bargain. Fine, 60/40, and I'll throw in the Diamond Dust Rebellion leak. You can all watch Hitsugaya get even more screen time."
The room sat in silence, and the author wondered if they had agreed to her deal when Ishida stood up, tossed his knitting in the corner, and leapt on top of Kenpachi while kissing him passionately. All at once, a frenzy of boy-love ensued. Ikkaku and Yumichika both got dragged into the fray, the latter of whom had finally removed his ugly orange cowl thingie and the rest of his troublesome clothing as well. Hisagi was running his hands furiously through Ulquiorra's hair and attempting to rid him of his Hollow mask, while the other had decided that he could make some room in his busy schedule of not caring for some 69ing. Grimmjow, meanwhile, had gone back to licking his balls, but now had Ichigo and Renji to assist him. Histugaya and Byakuya had taken to molesting the mostly-unconcious Shunsui, who had regained just enough sense to moan with pleasure. Ukitake was in shock and the whole thing and was desperately fanning himself while being unable to look away. Gin gleefully plopped down and began furiously masturbating while shouting suggestions to the crowd.
Eventually, all of the males ended up involved in a massive orgy which lasted well through the night and involved much less foreplay and much more knifeplay than was expected. Urahara had gone through four rolls of film and was halfway through the fifth while the author clapped her hands with glee. This was a far better result than had ever envisioned.
After six hours, 53 orgasms, 0 used condoms, and infinite awkward glances later, the shinigami, Arrancar, and lone Quincy departed and left the author to edit the footage. Once the film was complete, she wrapped one up and handed it to Urahara. "Be sure to get this to Aizen-taichou as soon as possible. He paid me a lot of money for this." The shopkeeper nodded and set off for the post office, whistling a merry tune as he went.
She then sat down to begin filling out the pre-orders. There was much work to be done.
…
The author awoke from a dream in which all of her student loans had been paid off and she, miraculously, had not been stabbed to death. She rolled over to see that her Ichigo and Renji plushies had maneuvered themselves into a rather…compromising position. Interesting.
She chose to blame it on the Girl Scout Cookies and the vodka. Match made in hell if there ever was one.
THE END!