Title : Your lips of wine
Rating : R - NC17
Characters : Road/Lou Fa, imaginary-manipulated-by-Road!Allen/Lou Fa
Summary : Road is bored. Lou Fa thinks Road's a figment of her imagination. Road wants to play with Lou Fa's mind.
Spoilers/Warnings : No spoilers. Mind-toying.
Disclaimer : -man be Hoshino's baby, I write fic for no sane reason.
A/N : Written for dgm_fuh_q (Round 2: Camelot). The title is from the song 'All I Have To Do Is Dream' by The Everly Brothers (despite how badly it mashes with the fic, but it wouldn't stop playing in my head now, so... ^^;).
WARNING: Ahem. I feel I must warn separately for this. Technically this is only intended to be Road toying with Lou Fa's brain in all sorts of ways (mind fuck, mainly) but since I don't want to be accused of not accurately warning: possible dubious consent if you think about it.Hell if you think too much about it, consent is shady but you know - dream, doesn't think it real so doesn't consider it real... sees Road as a friend ^^;
... Oh Lord. How does one properly warn for Road-manipulating-playing fics like this?
Sometimes she thinks it would have been fun if Lero was smart. Smart enough to string words that sound smart without thinking, especially along the lines of, 'Road-tana, sometimes, I don't understand you'.
And then she would be able to explain. To finally show someone who had asked.
That it was all so much of fun.
She is a girl in a play.
She has a family. She is Cyril's daughter and Tyki's niece. She does homework. She laughs, she plays. A fat old jolly relative spoils her rotten. She sneaks away with Lero when she isn't supposed to. And she even likes the pretty boy with the white hair who is being so silly and obstinate.
She is the eldest child of the clan of Noah. In her are dreams of the dead, their memories. Her existence is to serve, her life is a sacrifice. She is feared, she kills. She can find out her enemies deepest desires; their heart is her toy. She can be a doll and yet she can play with them all.
It is so much fun!
Over the years, sometimes when utterly bored, she's tried to explain, that this is all a fun game, see? No need to scream and cry and struggle so annoyingly. The humans, the silly pitiful weak humans hadn't understood, had begged and pleaded, called her a monster, pointed with bloody broken fingers and foolish hearts. Tch. They knew no better; she's seen so many worlds rise and fall, again and again with the same stench of humanity.
Nothing bothers her anymore; time has taken the edge of anything remotely serious, now it is all fun and games, love and family, playing and – more playing, for no one can ever control her.
They're about to move, to finally make their move and things will be beyond just a game. Now, however, she's been asked to wait. She's bored, terribly bored.
Lero shrieks nonsensically in her hands, she twirls him, swings him and smiles in amusement thinking of threads to spin.
------
Lou Fa absentmindedly pushes her glasses up her nose, again. Only when she gets up and winces does she realize she's been sitting hunched all day over sheets and sheets of paper.
It's a lot of work, but there's a war going on so no one can complain. And the more work she does, the smarter she'll get and the more smart hard work she does, the more they'll promote her to the ranks of geniuses and then she'll be able to work at the Black Order headquarters. Once she can work there then she can do work that will actually help and beyond the help and the duty she's chosen to, she can meet Walker-san and he can meet her and they can become better friends and and – flowers and candies and dinner and him always looking so handsome!
Likei ruins all her daydreams with amused cough, "Go to sleep, it's late."
She blushes because he looks like he knows what she's dreaming about and it's embarrassing, even if she wants them to be publicly, horribly true.
--
The Asia branch murmurs with life even in the dead of the night. Holding the light steady in front of her she wonders if the main headquarters too murmur with life, or does it buzz like a hive that can never be calmed down. It's such a silly wondering, but she wants to know what it would be like to walk in the corridors at night, what sounds she would hear, what it would feel like. Such silly questions and there isn't anyone she can ask, the only way she can find out is by being there herself.
She heaves a couple of books off her bed, mentally promises to clean her room, because it is messy, it is clean but it still messy and flops gratefully on the bed.
Sleep comes quick and she fights it, tries to dream, of nice things, of a better future and someone who loves her more than she would want to be loved.
She wakes up only to realize she's not quite up, she's still asleep, dreaming, neither here nor there.
Walker-san is in front of her and she jumps. In the few dreams she's had, in those they've always been together, there is never the start or the end, but the middle where they're always there for each.
Walker-san has never stood not near her and watched her with amusement in his eyes.
She doesn't know what to do. But that's silly; this is her dream, so…
"H-how are you?"
He smiles so sweetly, "I'm fine, Lou Fa. How are you?"
"I am –"
He must have moved very, very quickly because he's right in front of her now. He holds her and instead of feeling warm and comforting and loved, it feels weird.
" – fine" she finishes lamely against his chest.
"You look tired."
Lou Fa wonders what that means, does it mean she looks awful or is he expressing concern or – she just looks tired she decides, bashing into submission the shrieking voice and blushing at the concern.
"Go to sleep, it's late," Walker-san chastises and although it's exactly the same thing what Likei said, it sounds worse in his voice, can't understand why everything feels so wrong.
"Yes." She's never been dumb and silly in her dreams, she's always been herself, she doesn't like this dream all that much, it's nothing like Walker-san.
"Sweet dreams," he whispers in her ears.
She shivers for no reason.
---
The second night she dreams of cherries and lollipops. Then her world swims and Walker-san's there right in front of her, smiling sweetly again.
He kisses her without hesitation and she jumps because it's sudden and – and rude!
The exorcist laughs like he's found something very funny and Lou Fa feels terrified.
When she wakes up her lips feel sticky and taste sweet.
-
On the third night she spends hours pouring over big fat books, so called classics, filled with lots of words and nothing actually happening in them and nearly falls asleep on the open pages.
Her strategy is simple; those weird dreams and slight hallucinations are the result of lack of sleep. All she needs to do is calm her mind and sleep early, at a normal time.
This time she forces herself to sleep, to not dream.
She realizes she's dreaming after a dozen akuma spring out of nowhere and proceed to chase her all around an endless dessert. Lou Fa shrieks in panic and runs and runs.
No one comes to save her.
She wakes up terrified and reaches, expecting to feel blood soaked clothes.
-
The fourth night she's exhausted and tense and prepared for the worst. So when Walker-san appears in front of her, she holds her arm out in defense.
He starts apologizing, begging forgiveness, for not being able to save her, for not being stronger, for not being able to save them all, for being so weak, so very weak, just a tiny little human and the blabbering makes her panic, makes her worry.
She acts without thinking, holds him as he continues to apologize.
For every apology uttered, he bleeds, for every apology it feels like he's crumbling away into nothingness. Bit by bit he vanishes till all she's left holding is a red ribbon with a soft laugh echoing around her.
The tears come easily.
-
On the fifth he appears again and she wonders what now? He reaches for and she lets him, she remembers the tears, the blood and the nothingness. Walker-san kisses her and she tries to remember him. She tells herself that this is Walker-san and even if it isn't he's still just in her head and not really real.
Lou Fa is not completely naïve; it's just that she hasn't thought about many things. She hasn't thought about what it would be like to lead a war where the soldiers are too weak, too less, the fate of the entire world hangs pitifully in the balance and experiments are the only way out. She hasn't thought about what it means to stand in front of an akuma and remember that it is being manipulated and must be destroyed to be saved and that it must never be hated. Lou Fa has not looked, really looked at the world, all she's seen is in the inherent goodness in people that is worth working to save and fighting for.
She also, admittedly, has dreamt, thought and imagined a lot, a lot about Walker-san. What she hasn't focused on is the details; she has lived in the sweetness of dreams, of the happily ever after. Never the before, never the after.
So when he pushes his tongue in her mouth, she's mortified by how messy the whole thing is and how repulsive it sounds and must seem like but it doesn't feel completely, horribly awful.
Walker-san seems to know just what to do, which he always does, but she knows nothing, which never happens in her dreams.
He hands start to move and this, this is too far so she yelps and nearly bites his tongue off and forces air in her now not-being-attacked mouth.
Realization dawns and she thinks, ohGod, wasn't he just doing what people in love were supposed to do? Her face feels hot and this is awful, awful, she wants to wake up, it's embarrassing, it's mortifying, she fights back little tears.
There is an amused crackle and he looks, devious, half-mad.
"Do you" and Lou Fa chokes at how close the voice is to her ear, how real it feels, "do you touch yourself when you dream of me?"
The question is lewd, awful, disgusting, too private, too private even for two people. But the voice is soft, wet with heat and she's confused at how much it makes her body feel warm, her head slightly wobbly spins, as her brain reeks with disgust and the urge, the overwhelming urge to punch him and –
"I do," he smirks, interrupting her thoughts.
----
"What are you doing?"
Road arches an eyebrow in response.
No one has ever had to look after, or ask about her and she's not pretending to be a small girl for it to be part of a game. Still, it's more fun to act than to be bothered.
"Having fun," she chirps at Tyki
His face clouds for a second revealing the storm underneath, it's clear he's still not found the balance between the human and the Noah. So close though, tch.
It's very easy and Road can tell him, it's just a fine little line, it's about just mixing it all up and pretending chaos is normal.
But, it is better Tyki learns by time alone rather than not learn at all and make the same stupid little mistake again of holding on to things that don't matter.
So he smiles and she smiles and they both ignore shattered glasses and scars that don't heal.
----
She realizes she's at a harbor and she knows this must be a dream. Lou Fa tries to count which one it is but fails because everything has merged and stretched and she can't make it out anymore. She keeps careful track of the days now, ticks off on a calendar, a big red cross that reminds her time's running. The night she surrenders to and wonders why is it her subconscious is so odd.
And why is it, that the Walker-san in her head is so despicable when in reality he's no nice. It makes no sense at all.
Little drizzles of water hit her face and she blinks, wipes her glasses and decides to enjoy this dream.
After that awful dream, she's never dreamt of him again. Despite what he said, what he asked, he's still not really him and so she can't hate him and she finds herself missing – she doesn't know what but she misses something.
She also finds herself wondering what he meant by that and – she covers she warm cheeks with her cold hands and starts reciting formulas and equations in random order, pausing to wonder if such useless babbling will lead to any scientific breakthrough.
It is after a bird chirps that she realizes she's not alone.
A girl's there too, sitting on the same bench as her, legs swinging merrily watching the ocean as it makes half hearted attempts to reach them.
She turns and smiles widely at Lou Fa through the lollipop in her mouth. Lou Fa finds herself smiling back; some smiles really can't help but be reciprocated.
"What," the girl asks sounded amused, "are you thinking of?"
"Nothing." Lou Fa beams in response politely.
She continues to look amused. "Is that so?"
Lou Fa opens her mouth to give a better answer because apparently she wants her to talk and maybe she should talk because her dreams and weird and embarrassing and she can't tell anyone and –
"Okay!" the girl exclaims.
Lou Fa blinks in surprise and stares at her.
The girl laughs and it's just so silly that they both laugh.
"When someone asks," the girl says with amusement and faint note of – annoyance threading through her voice, "you should answer honestly."
"Yes," Lou Fa automatically replies because it sounded like a lesson.
"Good."
They watch as a seagull tries to argue with a rock and though she wants to talk, the silence, the break in madness is so perfect, she decides not to.
He appears again.
It is short and faded as through strained though several old photographs. He whispers in her ear and although she can't understand, can't hear what he's saying, she remembers his question, she remembers his statement, she tries to forget but as Walker-san's breath keeps misting over her, as he keeps breathing next to her, she keeps remembering.
----
Road watches Tyki as he suddenly hunches over in pain and pretends not to have noticed. Those scars continue to ache at odd times with odd intensity. She wants to hate Allen Walker. Destiny is all fancy garble and yet she can't help but wonder….
She wants to hate but can't because Tyki isn't dead, Tyki won't be able to pretend again.
So she just tsk's in annoyance at his stupidity. He's so young, so silly, but soon he'll learn. All of them will, provided they have time to.
She's no longer a brilliant scientist; she decides forcefully pushing her glasses up her nose. Her brain's turned to mush. It keeps waving tendrils of her dreams into her reality and she doesn't like it.
It is annoying and embarrassing and something reserved for the night. The night where things aren't that bad, words aren't that restrained, when light has merged with darkness and anything that wants to be hidden, to remain a secret, can happen in silence.
The day is work. But her brain won't allow that now. Everyone's noticed how odd she's become but she can't help it. At the oddest of time she hears his voice in her ear and it disrupts everything.
Do you touch yourself when you dream of me?
When someone asks you should answer honestly
I do
I – I don't, Lou Fa thinks helpless. It's evil, bad, bad, mustn't. Not healthy, her mind states. Very perverted and un-ladylike and – and if people ever find out…
At this the brain reminds her of his breath and the amusement and the fact she enjoyed his tongue, his touches at that time, didn't she?
She blushes and tries not to remember.
Her mind has definitely been ruined.
---
Road knows the human beings of this era are very silly. They love their denial, their illusions and yet claim to hate them.
----
Again there is no Walker-san, again there's the girl and that makes Lou Fa happy. She likes her.
The girl (whose name she's found out is Rhode), is fun to spend time with.
Sometimes they talk and she tells Rhode of her childhood, of her dreams, wishes and fears. Sometimes when Lou Fa looks she thinks her friend looks bored but then it passes and everything's all smiles again.
The war is a something she wants to talk about but Rhode gets a frightening gleam in her eye and the scientist hesitates.
Not everyone is comfortable talking about everything, she mentally reminds herself only to have Walker-san's whispering breath quietly mock her.
--
"Call him Allen," the girl says one night.
"I – I can't. It's too familiar, too – comfortable"
Rhode frowns. "You can't even refer to him as Allen when he's not around?"
"No"
"You're so repressed," she states.
Lou Fa wants to protest but she bites her tongue because her brain's still useless and refuses to let her forget.
--
An akuma tries to seduce her one night and she's caught between the panic of wanting to scream in terror and running away in horror because the demons raspy detailed declarations of love and other things she doesn't want to think about make her mortified.
--
She dreams again of Rhode and she smiles only to realize Rhode can't see her. She waves and flails and isn't noticed.
Her friend (imaginary, dream friend who she thinks of as real) seems bored as usual. Lou Fa feels inexplicably guilty for letting her feel bored in her own dream.
Rhode on the other hand, sighs and runs a hand slowly over her body.
It makes the scientist squeak. Unperturbed, unknowingly being watched, Rhode continues.
The blush in Lou Fa's cheeks increases till she's willing to run away but can't, because this is her dream and she's never been able to run away from any of them.
So she covers her eyes with her hands, tries not to think of hands touching and fingers roaming and – and she won't think about it.
Little breaths and Rhode let's out a soft, satisfied Oh and it makes Lou Fa shiver.
By the time she pries her eyes open, Rhode's staring out at nothing and licking her lollipop as usual.
---
Mathematics.
Road sighs at her enemy and hunts for someone to do all her homework.
Being a human, a human child, decent and nobility and normal and all those pretenses, is sometimes awfully boring.
---
The dreams are empty. There is only blackness and persistent whispers.
Do you touch yourself when you dream of me?
When someone asks you should answer honestly
I do
You're so repressed
Oh
The oh is recalled vividly, soft, a little breathless. The little oh multiplies and swarms around her and despite her not wanting to, they mix with heavy breathing and wet whispers. It makes her shiver and squirm and fear's the last thing on her mind.
Despite all of Lou Fa's efforts at being good, she finds herself waking up feeling sweaty and being denied. She wonders what she's being denied, but forces herself to not think about it; her subconscious however, decides otherwise.
--
It builds, slowly, prodding her at odd moments as usual.
She wonders if by not she's missing something, not being normal and if it is normal and it's just not something spoken about – like what everyone does in the bathroom.
So she closes her eyes and decides it's the same. Hesitantly she tries and feels so silly, they're her own hands, it's not the same and why is she dragging it out like it's more than something – physical, like brushing her teeth.
But she tries because it feels like she's being poked and prodded and she just wants it to be over, she wants to stop the feeling of constant whispers and breathless 'oh's.
Her plans fall apart when someone shuts a door loudly and the noise panics her. She stops and starts splashing water as if to make up for the momentary pause in bathing.
The blush stays on whole day and Likei assumes she has a fever. Wong starts dishing out herbs but then Bak-san breaks out in hives and he leaves her in panic to rush to his aid. Lou Fa spends the day alternatively leaning her face against cool stone pillars and cursing herself and her mind.
---
Rhode laughs at her.
Fa blushes furiously but decides that admitting certain things to imaginary people inside her mind is completely okay. Still, she doesn't mention watching Rhode and the little word which has now being designated as the filthiest sound in the world. That's – that's something she can't say out loud ('I watched you touch yourself and now my mind keeps trying to drive me insane' is not easy to blurt out).
"You're so silly."
The girl in her mind is a lot harsher than most people are to her but probably that's because she needs it, she reasons.
"Why do you think it's dirty?" Rhode asks.
"It is!"
There is an audible slurping noise as Rhode removes the lollipop and Fa tenses in horrible panic.
"Really?" she asks, softly close to her.
"Yes" Lou Fa insists, not knowing why.
Her friend tsk's. "Relax," Rhode whispers and that immediately sets off alarms in her head because whispers have not been kind to her,
But Rhode moves very, very slowly and she's been nice, she's been a friend, she listens, listened, didn't be repulsed and when she kisses all Lou Fa thinks of is sweets. Chocolates, strawberries, syrups and stick sweet goodness.
"Now," Rhode muses out after the kiss, "was that so dirty?"
---
It takes a lot many dreams (or it feels like a lot many, the night's still elusive and fleeting) and a lot many kisses before Lou Fa finds herself waiting for them.
She starts comparing Rhode to the Walker-san of her dream and wonders why they're so different. She likes Walker-san so it makes no sense that she should dream of him so badly.
After hours of racking her brain she realizes she's being silly, because at the end, none of this is real.
She's safe in her head.
--
A week of nothing.
A week of dreamless nights.
Lou Fa tries to not let it bother her because they're just dreams but she misses Rhode. She misses her friend who's so different and sweet, very sweet. She misses the calmness, the unexpected, the lack of any tension, any war, any work… She misses the attention, the touch, of being held, of Rhode's constant amusement.
Clearly her mind is out to destroy her.
A week of nothing and she remembers all the dreams before. They all rush back in a torrent and the nights are one long caressing whisper.
It pokes, prods, builds and Lou Fa doesn't know who to blame, what to blame, to curse or be relieved because this is all in her head. It would be tough to explain. She's being unreasonably stupid, silly, idiotic, wasting time.
It is all futile.
She curses quietly and softly anyway.
---
This time when Lou Fa wakes up, the memories still remain beneath the surface, stronger than ever.
She bites her lip because what else can she do…
There is a laugh and she realizes Rhode's in her room.
Lou Fa blinks in bewilderment. She has never dreamt of her room and she was so certain she just woke up and –
"Missed me?" the girl teases.
"Yes," Lou Fa acknowledges. It's been too many nights with Rhode in her head to not miss her presence.
She wants to talk, tell her, so much has happened in a week in the Order. So much work, so much talk of war, too much panic, not enough, not –
"Still so silly," Rhode sighs and absentmindedly pets her like she's a little pet.
She reaches out and traces her lower lip slowly. And even though they've done this before, it feels less dreamlike, it feels more real.
That makes Lou Fa nearly panic, this feels real.
But it can't be, her mind snaps in irritation, it can't and she's just being silly. So she closes her eyes and forces and lets her.
Lets her slowly feel her lips, her neck, over a breast, Fa's breath hitches, over her stomach, a little giggle, and when she touches her between her legs panic overwhelms, but Rhode kisses her and the sticky sweetness, the tongue is distracting, nice and it's only when fingers try to push in does Lou Fa whimper and bury her face sideways in the pillow.
Never has she been more aware of fingers, they've joined the ranks of 'oh' and whispers because with every push, every move, wiggle and caress, her whimpers get higher, louder and she's aware that her mind has now positively abandoned her.
Whatever has been building, prodding, tensing consumes her and she doesn't care as long as it doesn't stop and she doesn't wake up.
It is the night where time plays with Lou Fa so she isn't aware of how long it takes, only that she's not as dignified as Rhode, that a simple soft sound isn't enough and instead she's more vocal and for a longer time.
Oh God, thinks Lou Fa most inappropriately. Oh God.
"Do you honestly think," the girl asks coldly, softly but with a pinch of curiosity, "that you can win a war by doing everything right?"
Lou Fa blinks at the sudden question. She feels exhausted, run over, despicably horribly dirty, calm, relaxed, embarrassed, relieved and sticky. It's a wonder her mind hasn't completely died on her with the mash of feelings.
Too messy, she thinks this whole process is, she needs a bath.
The question remains in Rhode's eyes and it doesn't make sense but nothing ever does anymore.
Clear, with false confidence but determination that maybe because she says so, says it out loud it'll work out like that, "Yes."
Her friend smiles in amusement, "Is that so?"
This is weird. Her dreams admittedly have been anything but normal but this is weirder. The room is too clear, horribly clear and real.
"Yes," she repeats weakly and tiredly.
"Go to sleep, it's late."
Lou Fa frowns and opens her mouth to ask but the girl waves her hand as if waving questions away.
-
Road looks at the confused human and nearly sighs in annoyance. She could kill her; there's no need to have her around, there's never been any need. She just wanted to play with her, poke, prod, have a little fun on the side; play another part, the part of Rhode the nice little friend who's more than a friend.
The human girl, silly little Lou Fa still does not realize that it's not a dream and it's naivety to think a war can be won by both sides being clean.
The Black Order has kept its secrets from everyone again. Silly little humans with their secrets and lies, tch.
Road knows she can break her into little pieces, destroy those who're too stupid to survive, she can shatter the dream and tell her the truth, teach her. But, children learn best and most by themselves.
So instead of destroying, the Noah draws her into her world, her domain of dreams, makes the akuma chase her, confuse her, the abruptness of it all. Soon she'll be too tired of the running and she'll fall asleep.
Road toys with the girl, watches her in amusement and starts thinking about the boy. Allen Allen, she wonders, will this upset you greatly?
Concrit makes me happy. Comments are love ^^