Title: I die with hope for the world
Author: JeannieMcKay
Rating: T for language later on
Summary: These are my collection of Remus Lupin's last letters. I wrote these for a role-play site and felt that I should put them up here, they are basically letters to those that meant the most to Remus before he left to fight in the second war.
Disclaimer: I do not own anything to do with Harry Potter, they are all owned by J.K. Rowling
A/N: Please let me know what you think, when I wrote these they acted as a bit of a catharsis for me because I could finally get Remus' grief out of my system. He loved every single one of these people he wrote to and I really hope you...well, I suppose enjoy is the wrong word to use. I hope you like them.
Dear Harry,
I know there's a chance you might not receive this letter, after all you are fighting this battle along with the rest of us, but I can assure that I will do whatever is necessary to ensure that you are kept alive. You are The Boy That Lived and you shall remain so, because you are so important to this world, Harry. Never forget that.
I've watched you grow for the past few years, and it breaks my heart that I missed most of your life. It's my fault for never working harder to find you, I was your 'uncle' and I should have been there for you. When your parents died I wasn't sure what I was going to do, they were my world. I can remember seeing you for the first time, you were only a few hours old, James had told us that Lily had given birth and like a shot Sirius, Peter and I were hurrying towards St. Mungo's. When I held you it felt as if the world was finally heading in the right direction, your mother and father were beaming and the three of us could barely believe our eyes. Of course, the second you were in my arms you were screaming your head off, then it was Sirius' turn and you quietened down, you threw your arms up towards him, grabbing his nose and pulling like it was a toy. It was hilarious, his nose was the same colour as the Gryffindor curtains by the time we'd prised you off him. Peter held you after. I beg you, don't hate him. I know what he did was terrible…no, that's the wrong word. It was heinous, but he was never as strong as James or Sirius in that respect. He made a bad choice, got caught up with people he shouldn't have and I blame myself for that. If I hadn't spent all that time feeling sorry for myself then maybe I would have noticed how he'd changed, I could have helped him through this and then your parents might well have still been alive. I failed him, your parents and most importantly, you.
I'm sure at this part of the letter you're shaking your head, maybe even scoffing just like your father used to, but I need you to understand that I don't hate Peter. He was my best friend at Hogwarts, even closer to me than James or Sirius were. We were inseparable. I had no idea it was he who'd betrayed them, at first, just like the rest of the world I thought it was Sirius. I thought he'd betrayed James and Lily before killing Peter, and when he was taken away to Azkaban I was left alone. My friends were either dead or imprisoned, I'd lost so many people during the war, many of whom you won't have heard of, that I let myself disappear into oblivion. At times I thought maybe I should talk to Dumbledore, to try and set up a way I could visit you but then I'd remember your eyes…Lily's eyes and I just couldn't do it. A while ago you called me a coward and I suppose you're right, if I'd been braver maybe you could have grown up with a closer connection to your parents, maybe I could have helped you during your stay with those Dursleys.
I will always regret my fear, but I'm so happy I got to meet you during your third year. The second I saw you in that train compartment I felt a rush of love, I wanted to be your second favourite uncle once again but I knew that was impossible. I'd wasted too long worrying about my life that any deep connection that I'd once had with you would take time to develop. Therefore, I watched from a far, always impressed by your powers and your maturity. So much had happened to you, and I'll admit that one of the reasons I applied for the job was to take care of you. I'd heard about the Chamber of Secrets incident and I wanted to be there to make sure you were safe, even if I couldn't be your guardian in the parental aspect I wanted to protect you from the world which was still throwing destruction at you.
You will be, no, you are a great wizard, Harry. Your parents would have been so proud of you, in fact I'm sure they are. They're probably looking down on you with smiles on their faces, Lily happy that you've made something with your life, James happy that you're a brilliant Quidditch player and that you've got his hair. He was always too proud of his hair, as you've already seen when you made the mistake of dipping into Snape's pensieve he was constantly ruffling it. At times it could be endearing but for the most part we wanted to chop his hands off. I'm sorry that you never got to know them, and I know they were upset at the thought that you would grow up with no parents. I failed them because they expected either me, Sirius or Peter to look after you in some respect, I let you slip through my fingers and have only recently been able to make up for that.
This final battle is going to claim many lives, Harry. I'm sure you are already aware this, but I trust you as a leader for us. The Order will follow you to the end, as long as you survive then my death will be worth it. Yes, I do not want to die, not now I have Teddy but if I want him to grow up in a world where there is no fear, no constant threat of death just because you do not conform to the standards required by the Death Eaters, then sacrifices must be made. I hope that he will grow up to know that I loved him, I wanted the best for him and that is why I'm going to fight. Please, Harry, tell him about me, tell him the truth not a glorified lie about how I was a brilliant father. You know the truth, I was so terrified that I'd fail both him and Nymphadora that I ran away, if it wasn't for you I would have never known my son. You're his godfather, and I pray that you'll look after both him and Tonks, she'll grieve at first but she's still young, she can find love again and find Teddy a better father than I could ever be.
If I do die then at least I will be with my friends once again, I know that must sound selfish but my heart has been in pieces since their deaths. You now understand what it was like during those days, the Prophet full of names, the lists of the dead and missing growing with every issue and when I left Hogwarts I watched as one by one the people I cared most about were taken from me. Dorcas Meadows, I think Moody showed you her in a picture, was one of my best friends at school and when we lost her it was like a shard of ice pierced my heart. Fabian and Gideon went soon after, two of the bravest men I've ever met. They were so similar to their nephews, Fred and George, both sets of twins complete trouble-makers. I could go on and list more but the two that really broke my heart were your parents, I heard the news of their death and I'm afraid that I went off the rails. Your mother left me a letter telling me not to blame myself but of course I did, so for these many years I've been damaged. Tonks helped to piece me back together but I was never good enough for her.
I shall end this letter simply by saying that over these years I've known you, you've become like a son to me, Harry. I've watched over you and I couldn't be prouder of how you've turned out, you've grown into a strong leader, a compassionate man and someone who will help to lead the world to a better life. I'm sorry I won't be there to see this new world, and I hope you know how much I value our friendship.
Thank-you for making me realise how important my family is, and for getting me back on the right truly are your parent's son.
Yours,
Remus