Author name: Ruaki [http://valhalla.morethanart.org]
Author email: ruakichan@aol.com
Category: Angst. Yup. ^_^
Keywords: Ren x Yoh, Ren x Horohoro, Yoh x ...?
Spoilers: None
Disclaimer: I WISH!!!
Author's Note: Blargh.
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I curled up in my chair, wrapping the soft downy quilt tightly around me and stared moodily out the huge glass windows of the hotel. The clear bright winter stars twinkled coldly at me, blue hazed with red; silent guardians of the sprawling city below. But the stars didn't judge me, only staring coolly, dumbly upon me as I watched them with slow, consuming hatred.
Yoh had left already; he never lingered long, but this time, he didn't even try to keep a pretense of wanting my company. It was fine by me--I truly had no desire to pretend we had a relationship tonight. Which is all we did: pretend. I knew his attentions lay elsewhere--I don't know who but I have my suspicions. I couldn't understand why though, so I never questioned him. And he never asked, never tried to leave. In a way, we both wanted to keep what we had, even though, secretly, he wished for something better.
I guess he doesn't want to hurt my feelings. Or want me to get jealous, angry, upset, and possibly hurt this other person that holds his heart.
But I seriously don't care. Yoh wasn't mine--he couldn't ever be mine... I originally chased him simply to lay claim upon him and when I thought I had succeeded... I learned that Yoh was unattainable to a person like me. He was too ... too *pure* for my soiled hands...
I scowled in disgust at the stars.
I tried corrupting him, defiling him, breaking him... and he still smiled. He smiled and laughed and called me silly names while petting my hair and kissing my skin and still remained out of my reach.
I lifted a hand, pressing it to the chill glass, fingers curling around the image of a faraway star. Out of my reach. Just like Yoh. ... I may not care, but I'm still jealous of the person that could achieve what I never could. Simply out of pride, though. Not out of any tender emotion. I had long ago sealed away that part of my soul; a Tao could not afford any weakness. And it was that pride, that Tao trait, that would never allow me to give up Yoh even though I didn't care any more. Pride alone. I would not allow it to be anything else.
Earlier tonight, he came to visit as he normally did, smiling in greeting at me as I had let him in. My sister was gone for the evening, and we proceeded to have our little game over various pieces of furniture. And he closed his eyes, as he did every single time since our first. It was not me he wanted to see.
It had angered me beyond any scope I could imagine. I was rough, I was unkind, and I said things I can no longer recall, but I knew was cruel. And he didn't defend himself, his smile faltering only a little. And still his eyes remained closed. When we--no, I--was done, he lay there, still smiling, and it was my name he whispered, tenor voice carrying the single syllable with a note of apology. I regretted what I did and attempted to console him.
And then he asked me a question. It was quiet, barely audible, but it stilled my movements, stopped my heart.
I had no answer and Yoh pulled himself away from me, taking away his warmth, and dressed. The silence between us was suffocating, and I had known he was waiting for a reply. But I couldn't say. So he left.
I have been sitting in my chair since then, glaring at the stars and cursing Yoh for bringing up the subject. I *liked* what we had--it wasn't a relationship, but we weren't strangers either. And even if he wanted someone else... even if .. if I... wanted...
I shook my head. No. Growling low, I rested my cheek against the cold glass, still trying to catch that faraway star.
If the stars were unattainable... then I would never be able to catch that ice cold comet which orbited the farmost reaches of my universe...
I closed my eyes, and a smile danced in the darkness, a-lighting an honest face that expressed every emotion openly. I knew every contour of that face without ever having to touch it, every sharp angle and gentle curve, every dip and imperfection. I had studied that face long enough that it might as well have been my own.
'Who do you see when you close your eyes, Ren...?' Yoh's question had been so simple. Perhaps he noticed too, that my interest in him was strictly cosmetic.
And I couldn't answer. I was afraid to put a name to the face that I could conjure up so perfectly within a heartbeat. Afraid to admit that any sort of attraction existed for such a crude, loud, and obnoxious fool. I wanted to exist within this status quo, this fake relationship with Yoh. I did NOT want .. want... I banged my head against the glass panes, trying to smash the thoughts into pieces.
Maybe that's why Yoh and I stayed together for as long as we did. Afraid of destroying something beautiful--as long as we're with each other, there is no fear.
So I continue to reach for that star, waiting for the day it will fall from its lofty position in the sky... I aspire no higher. I desire no better.
My nails screech against the glass as I curled my fingers into a tight fist.
I dream of nothing except the frozen death of my forgotten soul that had foolishly followed the comet's tail.
Even suns die someday.
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A/N: BLARGH.