Part 1

"Shepard you have to get up! This facility is under attack!" Shepard! Wake up!"

"Huh. What the… Where am I?" Jonathon Alexander 'Alex' Shepard rose slowly from the operating table. He wobbled on his feet, a wave of dizziness swept over his consciousness as he struggled to regain a semblance of sanity and self-awareness. He stepped once, then twice, then a third time. Each step becoming a little more sound than the last. He rubbed his hands through his hair and tried to focus on the voice that was commanding him to wake up.

"Shepard, your armor and pistol are in the locker in the corner of the room. Get dressed and get moving to the nearest exit." He moved to the locker, and opened it. Inside he found a full set of jet black armor. An N7 logo emblazoned on the chest plate. He grabbed the greaves, the armored boots, the shoulder pieces, and the chest plate. There seemed to be something odd about the chest plate, but he was in too much of a hurry to worry about it at that moment in time.

He slipped off the surgical gown and quickly donned the under armor padded tights and under shirt. He quickly started attaching the armor pieces moving up from his legs to his abdomen, back and arms and finally attached the chest piece. Huh, weird. He thought as he inspected the fit of each armor piece. He grabbed the pistol and immediately found something missing. "This pistol is missing something. I'm not sure what it is though." Huh, my voice is little higher than I'm used to hearing.

"It's missing its thermal clip. I will explain to you about them later. Once you get out of this room we'll find you clips for your pistol. Now get the hell out of there." The Aussie voice cut out

He quickly moved out of the operating room and found himself in another room. On the floor was a small cylindrical object that looked like it might fit in his new sidearm. "Ah-ha. Found one! Uh-umm" My voice must be going out. It sounds just like…a woman's voice.

Before he could continue to explore the ramifications of that latest thought. Several security mechs entered and began firing at him. "Shepard! Get behind some…"

"Cover! Yes, I am fully aware I need to dodge the incoming projectiles." Alex leaned out of cover and dropped the five mechs with successive head shots. I have a sexy voice. Why do I have a sexy voice? Shepard looked down at his chest and inspected his armor once more. Now that he was really looking at his armor, he realized that it had a distinctly feminine design. Why am I wearing a set of woman's armor? "Why did you make me put on armor designed for a woman?" Shepard asked the disembodied voice.

"Shepard, are you feeling unwell? That armor was specifically fitted for your body?" The voice responded.

"Oh." Wait. What. "Wait. What?" Shepard looked once more at her body. Wait a minute. I haven't had a body this small since I was twelve. She slipped a hand up to cup one of her chest plate bumps. I have breasts? Oh shit, I have breasts! Why do I have BREASTS?! She tentatively reached a hand under the armor plating of her pelvis I'm A WOMAN! I'VE BEEN TURNED INTO A WOMAN!

"AAAAAAHHHHHHH! IT'S GONE! WHAT HAVE YOU PEOPLE DONE TO ME! I'M A WOMAN!"

"Yes, of course you're a woman. We brought you back just the same as you were before your… We don't have time for this! You need to get off this station. We can discuss all of your issues once that has been accomplished!"

Shepard grinned maniacally, "I am going to kill all of you! I am going have to kill every single one of you." Shepard picked up the grenade launcher in the next room she came upon and proceeded to relieve some of her rage on the poor security mechs that he saw enter the room from the other side. She stormed through room after room decimating anything that got in her way.

The next door opened onto a bridge-like structure that crossed a wide open chasm. OK, that's long drop. Wait, that's a real guy crouching over there. Maybe he can give me some answers. She eyed the uniform, a skin-tight affair in white, and black with gold insignias on it, and some minor pieces of armor plating in key areas. The man himself, was of African descent, with a warrior's build.

"Shepard! Shit must have really hit the fan if Miranda's got you up and moving!" Jacob nodded for her to come over to the railing.

Alex moved quickly over to the bannister and crouched behind the bullet proof glass. "I have no idea what's going on and I need some answers, now!"

"Yeah, answers. Let's take care of the trash and then we can play twenty questions." Jacob popped back up and fired several times hitting a mech in the shoulder and chest.

"You know what, fine!" Shepard jumped up and fired four shots. Each round hitting a different mech dead center in their optics. She paused for a moment. Damn, that was pretty impressive. I don't think I've ever been that good before. This just keeps getting weirder and weirder.

"OK, you got questions. I can probably guess what the first question might be. It's 'where are we?' right?"

"Huh, that's… Not even remotely close to my first question. My first question is… Why the hell am I a woman?! What, did you guys do, lose my man bits somewhere along the line when you patched me up? What kind of circus is this place? Help me out here, I'm not having a great day!"

"Uh, Shepard, then this will probably come as a shock, but you have always been a woman. You have to remember. The first human SPECTRE was a woman. You. You died, and we brought you back, at considerable expense, I might add. Miranda, the operative in charge of your resurrection can tell you more, but that's the gist anyway."

"OK, let me get this straight. I was a woman. I was born a woman. I died a woman. And I was brought back as a woman. This makes no sense. I'm Jonathon Alexander Shepard, Lieutenant Commander of the Systems Alliance Navy, and a Citadel Council SPECTRE. Oh, and by the way I'm a GUY." Shepard shook her head and hoped that somehow this whole fiasco was just some ridiculous nightmare that she would wake up from at any time.

"Uh, most of that was accurate except for the name… You're Miya Alexandra Shepard, Lieutenant Commander of the Alliance Navy, Council SPECTRE and oh, by the way you're a woman. You know. Broad. Dame. Hot Tchotchke. Any of these words ring a bell."

"Yeah, I'm about a hair's breadth away from ringing your bell… This is crazy! God, I swear, I'm Jonathon Alex…"

"Hello, is anyone there? This is Wilson". The voice overhead announced in a non-Australian accent.

"Wilson, this is Jacob. I have Shepard here. What the hell's going on?" Jacob responded.

"Shepard! She's alive! How the hell… Never mind, I'm in server room B and I've been shot in the leg. One of the security mechs got a lucky shot."

"Wilson, what the hell are you doing in any of the server rooms? You're only allowed access to the bio-wing." Jacob asked with an accusatory tone.

"That doesn't matter right now. We have got to get off this station, as soon as possible. Hurry up, before I bleed out!" The voice then cut out.

"Well, I think we better hurry. Sounds like Wilson is having some issues of his own right now. Rain check on the rest of the questions, Shepard?"

"Yeah, whatever." Shepard followed Jacob through several rooms and corridors. Each room brought a fresh group of mechs to take down. Shepard dropped mech after mech with unerring head shots. Damn. I'm not even trying and I've racked at least a dozen kills by head shot.

"Shepard, the next room is server room B. Let's see if Wilson can shed any more light on the current events." The two soldiers stepped through the door and found Wilson lying on the floor holding his wounded leg. Shepard looked the room over but found little evidence of a gun fight.

"Shepard, there's some medi-gel in the dispenser on the wall over there." Jacob said as he motioned to the opposite wall. "Grab some so we can patch up this leg wound."

"OK, sure, medi-gel coming up." Shepard stepped over and filled his armor's medi-gel container. Three doses. Good enough for now I guess. He stepped back over to Wilson and administered the treatment to the gunshot wound, and then helped Wilson onto his feet. Shepard, noticed that Wilson had his hand on his pistol for a moment, but then he moved it away just as quickly. Son of a bitch is thinking about offing one of us.

More rooms and mechs later.

OK, Guys the shuttle is just through these doors… Miranda! I thought you were" BANG!

"Dead." Miranda replied as she lowered her pistol. The body dropped to the floor.

"Damnit, Miranda! What are you doing?" Jacob asked as he watched Wilson's body hit the floor.

"My job! Wilson betrayed us all!" Miranda sneered at the dead body looking as if she might kick it at any moment.

"OK, I could tell he was just waiting for an opportunity to shoot me in the back, but you could have captured him. Found out who he worked for. You know, the types of questions that people can answer when they're still alive." Shepard said, as she also watched the body fall to the floor.

"We don't have a lot of time, my employer is eager to speak with you."

"And who the hell is that? I better not find out you guys work for Cerberus or something equally retarded." Shepard said in a huff. Which on the short female SPECTRE was actually quite adorable.

"Let's just get on the shuttle and get out of here." Miranda replied as an inordinately large drop of sweat rolled off the back of her head.

"After you." Shepard motioned for the cat-suited operative to lead on as the other two followed into a waiting shuttle. Shepard paused as she happened to catch her reflection. "Hey guys, what are these glowing scars… I have… I have pi… I Have Pink Hair! Why Do I Have Pink Hair?! WHAT, ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH, DID YOU PEOPLE DO TO ME?!"

End of Part 1

Part 2

"Shepard you have to get up! This facility is under attack!" Shepard! Wake up!"

"Huh. What the… Where am I?" Miya Alexandra 'Alex' Shepard rose slowly from the operating table. She wobbled on her feet, a wave of dizziness swept over her consciousness as she struggled to regain a semblance of sanity and self-awareness. She stepped once; then twice; then a third time. Each step becoming a little more sound than the last.

"Shepard, your armor and pistol is in the locker in the corner of the room. Get dressed and get moving to the nearest exit." She moved to the locker, and opened it. There sat a complete set of N7 armor. The N7 logo emblazoned on the chest plate. She grabbed the greaves, the armored boots, the shoulder pieces, and the chest plate. There was something odd about the suit, but it wasn't that important right now.

She slipped off her surgical gown, and paused. What the… I seem to have a rather large appendage. I'm pretty sure that wasn't there before. I'm pretty sure I was a girl yesterday. She reexamined the armor. Yep, this is not my armor. I had nice black armor. I'm an infiltrator, I should have black armor. I like black armor! What the hell is this ridiculous shiny steel armor! I can't wear this shit! I'll look like Iron's Man goofy fucking sidekick in this getup! God Damnit!

He reluctantly put on his armor and adjusted the fit. Yep, I look like the fucking white Man Of Steel. This is not OK! He grabbed the pistol and slammed the locked door closed. I wake up and I'm a guy. I have bling instead of real armor, and.. A pistol without a heatsink. This pistol doesn't have a heatsink, how the hell do I use it?" She yelled out into the air.

"There called thermal clips now, and I'm sure you will find some on your way out of this room. Now you have to hurry."

"Yeah, yeah." Shepard waved her hand dismissively. "I have a few questions that need answers before I do anything else that you tell me to. Capiche?"

"What, we don't have a lot of time." The voice continued in her distinctive Aussie accent.

"I'll decide how much time we have. Now first question. Where am I?"

"Lazarus Station. Next."

"That really doesn't tell me shit, you know that right." Alex's voice took on a melodic quality that did not at all mesh with the look of anger on his face.

"You are on a medical space station called Lazarus. You have been on this station for two years while I and my staff did the impossible and brought you back from the dead. Is that better?" The voice asked sarcastically.

"Yes, and knock off that condescending tone before I find you and break my foot off in your haughty Australian ass." Alex muttered as he continued into the next room.

"Ah-ha. Bingo." Shepard grabbed a couple of clips off the floor and slapped one into the pistol's breach. Just in time to see a group of security mechs enter the room from the other exit. "OK, time to lay down the law." He fired at a mech's head, and missed. He fired again at the mech's center of mass and the shot just grazed the target's torso. "Ah! What the fuck is going on? I can't hit the broadside of a cruiser with this stupid piece of shit. This is really pissing me off!"

"Shepard, try your biotics. They might work better in this situation." The voice offered as token of goodwill between the two professionals.

"I'm a fucking spook, not a freak. I don't have biotics!" Shepard announced as he continued firing at the mechs coming through the doors. The first mech finally dropped and he shifted to another position behind cover to keep from getting his head blown off.

"Yes, you do Shepard. I implanted the amp myself a few weeks ago, once I was sure it would not affect your recovery.

"OK… how do I do it?

"Just focus on the mechs and focus what you want done to them." The aussie voice instructed.

"Sounds easy enough. Let's give it a try." Shepard gestured for one of the mechs to rise and an aura of blue energy engulfed his left arm. "Holy shit! I have biotics!" Alex exclaimed as the now helpless mech rose in the air. He gestured again and the mech hit the ground head first and exploded. "Oh, yeah! You mechanical punks are toast!" He continued using the slam attack to demolish the rest of the mechs in the room and continued into the next.

OK here come another 4 mechs right in a line. Let's see if I can knock them all down at once like some kind of fucked up set of dominoes. Alex focused and fired a shockwave straight through the ranks and obliterated the bots all at the same time. Strike!

"You need to keep moving I don't know how much longer I can keep guiding you." The Aussie announced as Shepard exited into a hallway.

"Look I have a feeling that as long as I keep moving forward I'll be fine. So go do what you gotta do." Shepard moved through the hallway and into a room where he witnessed another scientist type die horribly. Wow! OK, big ugly mechs have rockets. I should probably file that tidbit away for future use. The next room seemed to be a bottomless pit with a wide bridge across it. Who the hell thinks bottomless pits in space stations are good ideas, anyway.

There on the bridge he saw a guy with an above average build and skin-tight uniform crouched behind a railing.

"Shepard! Shit must have really hit the fan if Miranda's got you up and moving!" Jacob nodded for him to come over to railing.

"OK, so who the hell are you?" Shepard asked as he slipped down into cover beside him.

"The name's Jacob Taylor. I imagine you have some questions for me. Let's get rid of the trash and I'll answer them." Jacob said as he looked back over the railing to the line of mechs on the far wall.

"Actually, I think I got the answers I need." Alex popped out of cover, dropped a warp in the middle of mechs and then pulled each one of them off the far wall. "So why don't we play twenty answers and you tell me how well I do? Sound good?"

"Sure, let's see what you know." Jacob motioned for Shepard to continue.

"OK! One, I'm on Lazarus Station. Two, I've been dead for two years. Three, you work for a clandestine organization that thought bringing me back to life was a good idea. That last one alone makes me question your leader's sanity, but we'll burn down that bridge when we come to it. How am I doing so far?" Alex motioned for Jacob to answer his question.

"Not bad. I suppose Miranda told you most of that."

"If you mean the Australian Princess that keeps ordering me around like I'm her personal border collie than yeah you're exactly right."

Jacob chuckled for a moment "Yeah, that sounds like Miranda. So I assume she told you we need to get off this station."

"OK, I'm not one hundred percent clear on the need to abandon this station. We just need to find and kill the SOB that hacked the security mechs; cut off his or her private bits, and reset the mechs so they're friendly again."

"That's Miranda's call, not mine. But there may be more going on than just killer robots."

"Hey, you know what, can I see your pistol for a minute?" Alex grabbed Jacob's pistol before he could answer. He turned and fired several shots at various protrusions on the far wall. "Damn, and I thought my aim sucked because my pistol was shitty."

"What do you mean? It looked like you hit the wall with every shot." Jacob snarked as he waited for Shepard to do whatever he was going to do.

"Oh, you're hilarious! Asshole." Shepard turned the gun over in his hand and was silent for a moment as he contemplated the ramifications of his inaccuracy. I'm not an infiltrator. I have biotics. I suck with a pistol. "Jacob, do you happen to have a shotgun on you."

"Yeah, here" Jacob reached behind him and unhooked his eviscerator from the hard point at the small of his back.

"Ah, thanks!" Alex turned and fired several bursts from the shotgun. "Yeah, that feels much better. OK, that answers that question." Shepard turned back to the black agent and motioned for him to lead on.

"Hello, is anyone there? This is Wilson". The voice overhead announced in a non-Australian accent.

"Wilson, this is Jacob. I have Shepard here. What the hell's going on?" Jacob responded.

"Shepard! He's alive! How the hell… Never mind, I'm in server room B and I've been shot in the leg. One of the security mechs got a lucky shot."

"Wilson, what the hell are you doing in any of the server rooms? You're only allowed access to the bio-wing." Jacob asked with an accusatory tone.

"That doesn't matter right now. We have got to get off this station, as soon as possible. Hurry up, before I bleed out!" The voice then cut out.

"Well, you do realize that, if Wilson is doing shit he isn't supposed to be doing, that he's probably the traitor. Right?" Shepard said as the two continued in the direction of the server room and Wilson.

"No, that can't be right. He was one of guys directly responsible for bringing you back." Jacob said in between Shepard's shotgun blasts.

"You know the guy better than I do." Shepard returned to the task of extinguishing the killer robots with a certain reckless abandon. Damn, who knew being in the line of fire could be so much fucking fun. I love this shotgun!

The next room they came to was the server room they were looking for. "Now, let's see if Wilson can shed any more light on current events." The two soldiers stepped through the door and found Wilson lying on the floor holding his wounded leg. Shepard looked the room over but found little evidence of a gun fight. Alex then turned his attention to the bald headed idiot lying on the floor. "Huh," He examined the wound "Yeah, that's not good. I don't think you're gonna make it. Jacob, let's go. He's a lost cause."

"Funny, Shepard. The medi-gel dispenser is on the wall over there."

"This man is gonna need a hell of a lot more than medi-gel for that injury! Don't you just see… the look on his face. Damn, I love it when I get somebody to sweat bullets."

"Shepard!" Jacob pointed to the medi-gel dispenser a little more emphatically.

"Yeah, yeah. Don't get your panties in a twist." Shepard walked over and grabbed the three medi-gel doses and then administered a dose on Wilson's leg.

"Yeah, that's the wrong leg, Shepard." Jacob said as he watched the would-be MD treat the patient.

"Whoops, my bad!" Alex gave them a sheepish grin, and then dosed the other leg. "Hey, I never said I was a doctor. He could have gotten the medi-gel himself if he wasn't such a pussy!" Alex turned to Wilson. "Can you walk now? Cause I sure as hell ain't carrying you off this station."

"Yeah, it feels good. Thanks." Wilson then motioned for the two of them to head out of the room.

"Yeah, like I trust either of you two blockheads to not shoot me in the back." Shepard crossed his arms and waited for them to figure out "correct" marching order.

"Look Shepard, if I tell you who we work for will that help you trust us more?"

"Jacob, I don't think now's really the time."

"It's like the Commander said. We aren't going to get very far, if he keeps expecting a shot in the back."

Alex looked at the bickering couple and then said, "Telling me who you work for won't make me trust you two morons any more, but then again telling me couldn't make me trust you any less either, so you may as well get this little confession off your chest." Shepard tapped his foot on floor as he waited for Jacob to spill the big secret.

"Shepard, we work for Cerberus."

"Cerberus, huh. Wow, that's really something. I think I just… can't bring myself to care. Let's just find Miranda and get the hell off this idiotic station.

"Miranda, was over in D wing. That section was swarming with mechs. She's dead by now" Wilson said as he took the lead.

"There's no way some mechs could take out Miranda." Jacob said as he came to Miranda's defense.

"Look is D wing on the way? Cause I'm not looking to take any detours at this point of our escape." Alex asked as he followed the two other men out of the server room.

"Yeah D wing is pretty close to the shuttle bays, which is where we're headed anyway."

"Then, I guess the mystery of Miranda's survival will be solved after all. Now let's double time it; I'm getting hungry." Shepard pushed Jacob and Wilson out the door. After several battles the trio found themselves in front of the entrance to the shuttle bays. As soon as the blast door opened the group came under fire from a large group security mechs.

"Damnit! I need to get in the mix or we'll get gunned down ten feet from the finish line!" Alex stepped out of cover and after a few seconds of intense focus suddenly found himself hurtling through the mech formations. "Woah! Stop!" He violently came to a stop as he crashed headlong into a large shipping crate. "OWWW! Son of a bitch!" He got to his feet and discovered that he had blown through the mechs entirely. The floor was strewn with mech bodies and body parts scattered about as if a bomb had gone off in the middle of the group. "Oh, Snap! I'm going to so enjoy this!"

He found another cluster of mechs on the floor above him and he snap-charged through their ranks, shotgun blazing. Once all of the mechs had been pulverized, he then turned his attention on the crates lying around him. Damn, now that was shit was fairly fucking awesome if i do say so myself. I think I need some additional practice!

"Shepard! It's time to go!" Jacob yelled as he watched the former SPECTRE impersonate a human billiard ball.

"Not…" Snap-Charge "Yet…" Shotgun Blast "I'm having…" Snap-Charge "Way too much…" Shotgun Blast "Fucking fun!" Shepard snap-charged again within range of Jacob who immediately grabbed the Commander by the shoulder to stop him.

"You can practice your pinball impersonation skills later. We have to go. Now!" Jacob pulled him along to the final door that would lead the group to a shuttle.

"Hey, where's that Miranda chick…?" Alex asked as he realized he had apparently waltzed through D Wing and never even noticed.

"Miranda. I thought you were…" Bang!

"Dead." Miranda sneered at the falling corpse and kicked him once in the privates for good measure.

"Way to kick a man when he's down… and dead." Shepard gave her a thumbs up and a cocky half-grin.

"Shepard we have to leave now. We don't have a lot of time, my employer is eager to speak with you."

"You mean the Illusory Man. I know you people work for that group of ass-hats known as Cerberus." Shepard shrugged as he stepped past her to look at the shuttle.

"Ah, Jacob. I should've known your conscience would get the better of you. And that's Illusive Man not Illusory.

Shepard turned and looked back at her. "I said Illusory because, like many illusions, I think his shtick is pretty much bull-shit. Now can we leave or are we going to hang out in the shuttle bay until TIM, the 'Tool' Man shows up to pick us up personally." Alex air-quoted the word, tool. He then opened the shuttle door and waited for the two operatives to enter before joining them.

Author's Notes:

Well now I've gone and done it. I have published my first fan-fiction story. I hope everyone who reads this has a laugh or two even if said laughs are directed at the author. I hope to have chapter two up in a week or two (no promises...).

Below is a small preview of the fun and games that the Shepards will be subjected to in the next chapter:

"And just what is it that you and I know?" Alex asked as he waited for the Illusive Man to finish smoking his cigarette. "Is it the knowledge that smoking causes lung cancer, thereby making you a self-correcting problem?"