Disclaimer 2: This is only built for Cuban lynx. Gundam started in 1979; building up its following through reruns and sequels during the '80s. This is a collection of "joke grenades" dealing with characters from the original Mobile Suit Gundam, Zeta, Double Zeta, 0080 War In The Pocket, 0083 Stardust Memories, The 8th Platoon, Char's Counterattack, Victory Gundam, God Gundam, and Wing Gundam / Endless Waltz. But it leans more to the Universal Calender than one would believe. So if you don't know; don't be afraid to punch "Gundam" into your search engine. You might wanna add "-Wing" to it though.
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GUNDAM WORLD TEXT HUMOR
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Amuro: Hey, Char! What's with all that cleaning equipment?
Char: My "counter-attack," of course.
-=*=-
Char: You say that this new mobile armor can utilize the pwoers of a Newtype. So, why does it look like a "rubber ducky?"
A sign that the war had taken in way too many hippies from the '70's.
-=*=-
If Gihren had a Malcolm X fetish instead of a Hitler fetish...
Gihren: [Making one of his speaches...] You'll be horn-swaggled! You'll be bamboozled! You'll be sideswiped, discombooberated and left in space to dehydrate!
Degwin, in exasperation, orders his guards to pull him off of the stage.
-=*=-
Char freaks out when he saw Lalah's new hairstyle.
Gremmy decides not to stalk Roux anymore after seeing her hairstyle.
Gato realizes that Cima should be avoided whenever possible (again, because of the hairstyle).
Treize: Hmmm... Your hairstyle seems to be extremely popular as of late,
Lady Une.
Une: Oh, really? 8)
-=*=-
Gato: Huh? The GP02... Looks... Like a coffee maker.
Kou can only nod in aggreement as Gato realizes that Nina had made that Gundam.
-=*=-
The Lake Victoria training base explodes that night.
Noin: MY SCHOOL!! MY STUDENTS!!
Wu Fei: And now I will show them the power of my N- HUH?! WHERE'S MY
NATAKU??!!
Gato: [Coming out of Shenlong Gundam] And it was just lying there, out
in the open!
Delaz: What an incredibly stupid pilot.
-=*=-
Rosamia: B... Brother?
Camille: Gulp!
Elpeo: Brother!
Judau: Da Heck?!
Mashymer: Dear brother!
Shiro: AAAAHH!! Hey, look: Just because "Shiro" and "Serro" sound about
the same DOES NOT MAKE US RELATED!!
Haman: [From the background.] You can have him for all I care.
-=*=-
Chuck: You can gawk at the Gundams all you want. I'm gonna check out
the chicks. HEY, BABES?! ANY OF YOU WANNA MASSAGE?! I GOT "MAGIC FINGERS!"
Mora: [Her face super-impossed all over Chuck's small frame.] "Magic
Fingers?!" Well of course I would like a massage, you nasty little thing
you!
Kou looks over at Godzilla (Mora) thrashing around a small figure (poor Chuck) around her mouth.
Kou: At least Gundams don't dump you for a better pilot...
-=*=-
Steiner (Zugock-E): Okay, guys! Let's make it painful and quick!
Misha (Hygogg): DA, COMRAD!! VICTORY TO ZION!!
The Hygoggs and Zugock-E attack the Antarctic Base. And when the smoke clears... Two dazed and confused MS are found.
Zechs (Tallgeese): Duuuu... What happened...?
Heero (Wing Gundam): My mission... ...my mission...
Steiner (Zugock-E): Uh... Wrong universe?
Misha (Hygogg): Oops! Sorry!
-=*=-
Char and Amuro are in another one of their fights.
Relena: STOP THIS!! YOU MUST NOT FIGHT!!
She gets in the way and is immediately stabbed by Amuro and Char. They both snapped out of it to see what they did.
Char and Amuro: [Bowing to Milliardo] WE'RE SO SORRY!!
Milliardo: [Holding a dead Relena] You know...
Heero: Woah. These guys do a much better job than me.
-=*=-
Treize: [With Lady Une in the background.] The Epyon is the strongest MS made. It's also got the "Zero System" which enables the pilot to act without hesitation...
They look towards the Epyon, sitting in a sulking position and spreading its presence of gloom and despair.
Treize: Get out!
Lady Une: But this guy was just tweaking the system...
Amuro: [With tears in his eyes.] Sorry...
-=*=-
Bosque punches Bright around.
Judau punches Bright out of anger from the Federation's cowardice.
Catherine punches Bright in the face(?!)
Mirai: [Dashes in and cradles her crying husband in her lap.] WHAT THE
HECK IS IT WITH YOU PEOPLE??!!
Catherine: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought it was some sort of contest...
-=*=-
At a bar somewhere...
Rain: [Already drunk.] How dare he! I can't believe that Domon would
dump me for his Gundam!
????: That's SO low.
Rain: It's like he treats his mobile suit better than he treats me!
????: No respect whatsoever, girl.
Rain: Well, I GOT FEELINGS TOO, DANGIT!!
????: Yeah, that's right!
Rain starts crying as the person who had listened to her pasts her head.
Rain: Thanks for understanding...!
Lateura: [Patting Rain's head.] I fell in the same trap too, you know...
-=*=-
The 8th MS Platoon battles it out with Zion soldiers.
Radio DJ: And now here's something for you militants in the 8th Platoon! It's been requested by Eledore Massis himself and he hopes that you guys win this fight!
The song starts to play; and it's one of those weird techno-space songs that have played during the 80's. Everyone, including the Zions, start wondering what's going on.
Radio DJ: Oops! Wrong CD! Okay, let me see...
The song changes... This time, into some Puffy Comb style rap song.
Norris (Gouf Custom): Man. Your friend's got some weird taste.
Eledore: [In his hospital bed, exasperated.] Dangit! I should've known better than to request my song during "newbie season."
-=*=-
A transport ship en route to Earth spots a running battle between a Feddie MS and Zion's Zaku RD4 Prototype.
Shiro: I have to help fight that Zaku!
Michael: Don't be a fool! The only thing we have on this ship is a...
Aina prepares the final blow to her enemy. But she ends up freaking out as 'Haro' bounces into the scene and bumps her out of the way.
-=*=-
Al's classmates (Chay and Telcott) pass by him as he draws a Zaku II.
Chay: Hey, wha'cha drawin'?
Al: A Zaku II. Mobile suits are cool.
Dorothy: That's right. Mobile suits ARE cool.
The real Dorothy (from 0080) does a flying kick into Wing Dorothy's face.
Dorothy '80: STOP TAKING MY PLACE!!
-=*=-
Relena: Here are the new students of this school.
Yazan: I'm Yazan Gable, the foul-mouthed Titan pilot you can call "the
Blue Comet!"
Eledore: And I'm Eledore Massis. PARTY ON, PEACE-LOVING DUDES AND DUDETTES!!
Relena: Why am I getting all these weirdoes...?
-=*=-
Chibodee is frightened of clowns, as proven by Trowa's visit as said clown.
Dozel: DON'T BE SUCH A CHICKEN, YOU COWARD!! STAND UP AGAINST YOUR FEARS!!
Chibodee: You're right. You're even scarier that the clown. (With Trowa
nodding in agreement.)
Dozel: Why thanks. I take great pride in knowing how scary I am.
-=*=-
Wufei: I need a reason to keep fighting! That's why I wish to join you,
Mariemaya!
Mariemaya: Very good. Let's meet the rest of my troops.
Chara: (Dancing around in a daze.) Hi! I'm Chara Soon!
Aina: (Drinking tomato juice.) And I'm Aina Sakhalin.
Mariemaya's about to introduce Four Murasame (who's wearing a Christmas Tree and posing like a bufoon) when she notices Wufei leaving quickly...
-=*=-
Relena: Hi. I'm Relena Darlian, the rich girl who believes that war can be won by pacifism.
Chris: (Impersonating Relena.) I also stalk a psychopathic killer because
I can't get a real boyfriend.
Relena: HEY! Don't make fun of me!
Marvette: (Impersonating Relena.) Right! Don't make fun of the most
popular "flapper" to grace the lives of total losers!
Relena snaps, punching the two women into the air and screaming...
Noin: Hi, I'm Lucrezia Noin. And ordering around little boys gets me all hot.
-=*=-
Heero: I must fight Amuro and prove that I can defeat a Newtype.
Dr. J: DON'T BE A FOOL, HEERO! The Newtypes are very dangerous opponents!
First of all, they have little-to-no lives whatsoever..!
Hayato finds a mushroom (Amuro) in his room.
Hayato: Uh... Bright...?!
Dr. J: Their personalities are unpredictable..!
Zechs: NOIN!! HELP ME!! THIS "THING" IS ATTACHING TO ME AND I CAN'T
GET IT OFF!!
Noin: Zechs... She's Rozamia Vadam...
Rozamia: Brother!
Dr. J: And they're ready to combust at any given time!
An Elpeo Puru clone pops right in front of Haman and Gremmy; catching them both off guard.
Gremmy: YIKES! Sorry about that.
Haman: GREMMY!!
-=*=-
Mashymer: Judau! Now's not the time to be sucking gas from Jupitor for
the rest of your life.
Judau: But the newer Gundam shows are taking over now.
Mashymer: Nonsense! As long as we got video tapes and DVDs, our legend
will continue to live on!
Later that day...
Mashymer: HEY!! THAT'S A GUNDAM WING DVD!!
Heero's in the background smiling his butt off. His mission was successful.
Judau: It's even worse! It's a fan-made Gundam Wing DVD made by the Backstreet Boys!
An anvil hits on top of Heero's head. He didn't expect that to happen.
-=*=-
Titan Members: Ca-Mi-Ille!
Camille: QUIT MAKING FUN OF MY NAME, YOU JERKS!!
Quattro: Don't let them get to you, kid.
Camille: Huh? And who the heck are you?
Quattro: Oh, you can refer to me as Quattro (Censored).
Camille: THAT'S IT!! I'm off to get that much-deserved sex-change.
Quattro: ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT!! I'M CHAR! CHAR AZNAVEL!! ARE YOU HAPPY
NOW?!
-=*=-
Gato: How do I look?
Orville: You look great, sir. That's a perfect disguise. But... Why
are we going through so much trouble...?
Meanwhile, most of the schoolgirls are staring dooey-eyed at the two guys as they enter the school.
Gato: I'm sure that Heero goes to this school! The sooner we find his Gundam... The sooner I can stop being "shonen-ai bait."
-=*=-
Char: (In his Ziong) It's bad enough that this MA doesn't have legs. [Kicking is my specialty, mind you.] But I don't know what it's really capable of doing.
And as soon as he turns it on, it starts playing a deafening tune of "Three Blind Mice. Later on, however...
Amuro: (Holding Heero who has a large bump on his head.) i think you
might be interested in the responsible party, Char.
Char: Hmmm... Since Gihren's dead, we might end this war on a good
note yet.
-=*=-
Hayato receives a note from Kai:
Kai: Dear Hayato, how's Frau and the kids? Wish you luck with your own newborn. QUATRO [CENSORED] IS CHAR!! Hope to see you soon, Kai Shiden. P.S. He's also Casper Tycoon, "Remue Dadaam Herumet," and crossdresses as "Amanda Huginkiss."
Char: As soon as we're into my Counterattack movie, I'll kill Kai.
-=*=-
Warren Trace, the dandy from V Gundam's League Militaire, is going to get a make-over.
Marvette and Katejina are doing lots of work on his face and hair. They gave him a mirror when all the work is done. He looks at himself...
Warren: I look like... Shiro Amada...? I LIKE IT!
-=*=-
Bright: Won Lee! What happened to you?
Won: I went to set these five punks from Gundam Wing straight...!
Bright: ...And I suppose they went and defended themselves, did they?
Won: No. Their fans came and beat the crap outta me.
-=*=-
Gremmy: (In his Bawoo) You can't run from me forever, Roux. I'll win
you from AEUG and show you our side of the story. Huh? HEY!! Who goes there?!
Noin: (In her Taurus) I'm Lucrezia Noin from OZ! You're invading our
territory and... ...you are SO cute!
Later on Zechs looks on in exasperation as Noin lovingly holds a confused Gremmy.
Zechs: Yikes. Teaches me not to get too involved with wars...
Noin: Neener-neener-nee-ner! He's all mine!
-=*=-
Emma and her subordinates are at the MS hanger with the newly introduced Hizacks.
Emma: Okay, troops! This'll be the first time for some of you using the Hizacks. Just think of it as advanced training.
Soldier: But ma'am... They look like Zakues!
Emma: Your point being, cadet?
Soldier: (Starting to cry.) One of these things blew up my town.
Emma: AH! Da hell!
Karen: Hey, Ms. Sheen! I got an idea for ya!
Quattro: A group of mobile suits are coming in at full speed, Camille!
Camille: Yeah, but... They're all "GM-Heads."
-=*=-
Jerid: Hey! Who are you and why are you clinging to me so tight?!
Dorothy: My name is Dorothy. And I just happened to like strong men.
Jerid manages to escape Dorothy's grasp and high-tails it to parts unknown; leaving the scary-eyebrowed platinum blonde to call out his name.
Jerid: (Walking towards Maua) Damn, her eyebrows are scary. Hey, beautiful!
You won't believe what I saw... AAAAAHHHH!!!
Maua: (Wearing fake eyebrows in an attempt to look like Dorothy.) Wel-come
ba-ack.
-=*=-
Relena: Yazan! You can't go to school looking like a homeless bum!
Yazan: OH! SO-RRY!
Yazan washes his clothes, takes a shower, and properly grooms himself. He comes back with an aura of cleanliness around him. But he still looks like a homeless bum.
Relena: (Exasperated.) You're missing the point...
-=*=-
Heero: I need to get Relena out of my hair.
Gato: I have a perfect solution for you, fellow colon.
Relena: Heero! I'm here to see you a- OOF!!
Heero punches her in the stomach. Later on Noin and Nina finds poor Relena in a garbage container.
Noin: Seems that Heero's been getting lessons from Gato.
Nina: (Crying.) Men are SO mean!
-=*=-
Paptimus: Ah, I can see the future now. The era of Newtypes will come into full bloom. And beautiful ladies will lead mankind to the stars...
Chara: (Dancing like a hippie in front of her crew.) Shake dat booty! Shake dat booty!
Maria Pia Armonia: (Holding a jug of beer.) WHAT TIME IS IT?!
Everyone else: MILLER TIME!!
The League Militaire's Shrikes are playing "Truth or Dare" as Helen Jackson causes the ladies to bust out laughing as she impersonates a monkey.
Allenby had yet again beaten another victim in video games. Her latest is the Red Comet himself, Char Aznavel.
Jerid: You don't really get out that much. Do you, Scirocco?
Paptimus: The gasses of Jupitor had effected my brain so much...
-=*=-
Zechs: Here's your MS, Heero. Take it.
Heero then proceeds to beat Zechs senseless with a large 2x4 after finding out that the mobile suit he was trying to give him is an Agguy.
Duo: HEY! What's wrong with the Agguy?! It's a cool MS!
-=*=-
Duo: Tee-hee! I have long hair!
Mashymer: Hmph. So do I.
Gato: Some say that I look better with my hair out!
Hayato: Ingrates! I keep my hair short! You got a problem with that?!
Duo: Hahahaha! You look like a- MMPH!!
Gato: QUIET, KNAVE!!
Mashymer: Anybody who can land Frau Bow deserves great respect.
-=*=-
Quatre: LET'S JOIN FORCES, GUYS!!
Misha, Gordon, Norris, and Kelly: And do what, kid?!
Quatre: [Oops! I called the wrong people!] And uh... And uh... AND
BEAT UP ON WUFEI FOR BEIGN SO LOUSY WITH WOMEN!!
Kelly: It's too late for that kid.
The next scene shows Lateura (Kelly's girlfriend) slamming poor Wufei with an interdimensional mallet.
-=*=-
Judau: You gotta have a bit more backbone, Ino. Or the ladies won't
like you.
Ino: I know. But it's just so hard. Take your sister for instance.
Judau: My sist- WAAAAH!!
Leina (with Cima's face): Welcome back, Judau. Hey, what are you guys
so startled at?
Meanwhile...
Cima (with Leina's face): Welcome back, Gato-chan!
Gato: EEEEKK!!
Aiguille: DR. J!!
Dr. J: Uh-oh...
-=*=-
Haman: Zechs. Swartz. Let's join forces.
Zechs: Haman Kahn, huh?
Haman: But there's something I need you to do first.
Swartz: Yes, what is it?!
Later on, Haman walks in with Zechs (maskless, and his hair dyed purple to look like Mashymer) and Swartz (also maskless, with a haircut to look like Gordon).
Haman: Now we can go.
Swartz: (Shocked.) DA HIFL??!!
Zecks: Curiouser and curiouser.
-=*=-
Treize: Let's fight, Amuro.
Amuro: Awwh... Okay. You're into fencing, right?
Treize: That's right. (Holding his rapier.) The way of the sword is
the essense of choreographic art; the language that can only be spoken
between two combatants in chivalrous combat...
Amuro walks in all decked out in his kendo uniform and, with his bokken, gets into his stance.
Treize: ...hmph... "I'm no good with swords, Treize. Let's fight in MS, Treize." I might have some fun after all.
-=*=-
Dorothy enters the scene with a whole bunch of roses in the background, catching Four by surprise. But Four has her own rose background, catching Dorothy off guard.
Dorothy: Oh dear. Roses from you? I didn't know you have such great
interests in them.
Four: But they're so wonderful. They smell like the first day of spring.
Meanwhile, Treize is crying and scratching on the door of the greenhouse shop which had just ran out of roses. Mashymer and M'quve are looking onward in confusion.
M'quve: So this must be the Treize Kushrenada that everyone's talking
about.
Mashymer: Apparently his fetish for roses became an addiction. Sad,
huh?
-=*=-
It's the final battle between Camille (in his Zeta) and Paptimus (in his The-O). The later's hard to defeat and getting the upper hand due to his incredible Newtype powers. But Camille gets help from the ghosts of his loved ones. Four. Emma. Rozamia. Misha?!
Camille: HUH?! What are you doing here?!
Misha: What?! Can't a reformed ghost of a former Zion officer help
out a fellow Colon in need?!
Gato: That's right! Even when our spirits escape our bodies, we must
stick together in times of peril!
Cima: Yeah. Sure. Right. Screw all these pop-stars, kid. I'll show
you how it's done the right way.
Camille: HEY! My head is NOT a Holiday Inn!
Hilda: Camille. Are you wearing clean underwear?
Camille: MOM!!
Paptimus (The-O): Uh... Arst thou ready yet...?
-=*=-
Bright: Well, so much for that bloody hell. We wiped out most of the Titans, but we didn't come out squeaky clean ourselves.
Bright's refering to the piece of corn (Camille) in the corner that Pha's crying on.
Pha: That evil man! What dastardly thing did he do to make you this way, Camille?!
In Camille's mind, Paptimus is in his 60's get-up and playing non-stop disco.
Paptimus: "Flappin' my arms I begin to clutch! Dan-dan-dadadan-daa-da!
Look at ME! I'm a disco duck!"
Camille: AAAAAAHH!! STOP IT!!
-=*=-
Gihren's about to make a speech, in front of Side 3's people, about the death of his brother Garma. As he starts, small snickers start to escape from the crowd. And Gihren notices this with pure outrage.
Gihren: YOU, SOLDIER! Would you mind letting the rest of us in on your little joke?
Soldier: Sir...! A rubber ducky is on your screen.
Gihren turns around to find only his brother's handsome face on said screen. But, as he makes his decision to walk back to his podium, he realizes that it's gonna be another one of those days.
He starts again with his speech. Random images that flicker behind him composed of bad kindergarten drawings, rubber ducks on turntables, and pieces of cheese fishing in the river. The crowd snicker and giggle out of control. And poor Gihren sighs in exasperation as his father, despite the lost of his prized son, tries to keep a sense of humor amongst himself.
-=*=-
Kycilia: So, you're the great Char Aznavel. Let's take off our masks
then, shall we.
Char: Why, of course.
They both take off their masks. But Char starts to go in shock as he looks at Kycilia.
Char: Uh... Madam? Forgive my rudeness, but... Aren't you suppose to
be... Older?
Kycilia: (With tears in her eyes.) So you're that evil Red Comet that
everyone's talking about. How could such a handsome man do such horrible
acts?! And wasn't Garma your friend?!
Meanwhile the other Kycilia, the older one who's a Zabi, is merrily serving food at a restaraunt on one of the moon cities. Judau, Elle, Millie, and Tores go into shock as they find out who she really is.
Kycilia Zabi: It's a good thing I switched places with that girl. What was I thinking?
-=*=-
Leo 1: This fog is SO thick! I can cut it with a beam sword!
Leo 2: Keep your wits about you, soldier! If these Gundams can wipe
the floor with those other troops, you definitely don't wanna be caught
off guard!
*CRASH!!*
Leo 2: Huh?! IT'S A GUN...! ...dam...?
Leo 1: And it crashed into a side of a building 12 miles from here.
I told you that this fog is trouble.
G Wing: (Emerging from the rubble.) Especially when a flock of crows get in your way when you go mach-II. -_-;
-=*=-
It's raining outside as Amuro heads for shelter. He ends up meeting a lady (Lalah) on the porch of a nearby house. He decides to head there so he can atleast start a conversation.
As soon as he arrives, she points to the nearby lake where a swan is about to make its landing...
And then the poor swan had to duck a blast from a shotgun. It flies away, being chased by three guys in a jeep. And they just happened to be the Black Trinity (Marsh, Gaia, and Ortega).
Amuro: (Exasperated.) HEY!! DIDN'T I JUST FUNERALIZED YOU GUYS??!!
Lalah: My golly-goodness! These gentlemen are the ones that tried my
special Slurpee I had on sale.
Amuro: Special... Slurpee...? Uh... ...What, I'm afraid to ask, is
so "special" about it?
Lalah: It gives you "script immunity."
And with that, our poor hero gets bonked with a cake pan that fell from out of nowhere...