AN: I picked this universe because this is where I've been putting my parodies. However, this is not part of the X-men Present series, mostly because it doesn't have any commentary in it, heh.
Anyway, this is for everyone who wanted a Romy Christmas story. Albiet there's not much Romyness but this isn't exactly a romantic story, haha.
On a side note, the only X-man Remy knows is Storm.
Apologises to Charles Dickens, hehe.
Henri LeBeau was dead to begin with.
Yes, I know that's rather a morbid way to begin a story, but that's the way all the variations of A Christmas Carol start: stating that Scrooge's partner is dead and has been dead for quite some years. In this case, our 'Scrooge' is a charming, handsome man by the name of Remy LeBeau.
Now, Remy was a thief, a gambler and a womaniser and would mix all three if he thought he could gain something from it. He was a freelancer, but one of his best clients was a certain Mr Sinister, whose face was currently on the screen before him.
"Have you completed the assignment yet?" Mr Sinister asked.
"Oui. The sewers are all mapped out. If your Marauders are ready, we can leave tonight."
"No, no, don't be silly. Tomorrow's Christmas."
"Oh, right that. I forgot."
"You forgot? With all the decorations, the carollers, the Christmas specials?"
"It's just another day."
"Hmph. I wish my Marauders thought the same way as you. But noooo they have to insist on having the day off. No matter; we shall strike on Tuesday."
"Bon. I'll be ready."
The two signed out just as Remy heard a knock on his door. He sighed and opened the door to find a rather well-built man standing there.
"Good day to you, sir," he said. "My name is Piotr and I'm here on behalf of the Christmas Orphans Fund. I was hoping that in this season of giving, you might consider giving a donation to these poor unfortunate children who -"
"No," Remy replied, and shut the door in his face.
He hadn't gotten very far when there was another knock on the door. He opened it only very reluctantly, expecting to see Piotr still there, but instead it was his old friend Storm.
"By Piotr! Good luck! Hi Remy," she said cheerfully.
"Many thanks, Ororo," Piotr replied.
"Conned you did he?" Remy asked.
"For shame, Remy," Storm replied. "He's a good man, doing a good thing."
Remy made a rude noise.
"What do you want?" he asked.
"Why to wish you Merry Christmas of course. And to find out if you're coming to the party tomorrow."
"What party?"
"The Christmas party. The one the X-men have every year. The one I invite you to, every year."
"Oh that party. No. Actually with all the shops closed on Christmas Day, I usually find it's a good time to do a bit of 'shopping'."
"Remy..." Storm began, then sighed. "Never mind. If you change your mind, feel free to join us."
"I won't."
"Merry Christmas, Remy."
"Bah humbug," Remy replied, and shut the door behind her.
Once again, Remy failed to get very far before once again there was a knock on the door. He gave an exasperated sigh; would no one leave him alone? He opened the door and saw three identical boys singing "Jingle Bells" in a three-part harmony.
"What's all this about?" he demanded.
"Umm," said one of the boys. "Our name is Jamie and we were hoping you might give us a dollar for the song."
"A dollar for the song," Remy repeated.
"Uhh, yes."
Remy slammed the door in their faces. He spent the rest of his day ignoring it every time there was a knock at the door. He did his own thing until it grew dark, then went out for poker and a woman before he returned home.
In good A Christmas Carol tradition, this is the part where we must emphasise that Remy's brother and partner in crime, Henri, was dead. You can imagine Remy's reaction then, where as he moved to out the key in the lock, the handle seemed to reshape itself into a perfect resemblance of Henri's face. The face gave a cry and Remy stepped back in shock. He paused, then moved back to the handle. He touched it tentatively, but it stayed as it should, and he let himself inside.
As Remy made his way to his room he fancied he heard - at multiple instances - the sound of a heavy jangling noise and dragging sounds. Every time he stopped to listen out for them, however, they stopped. Eventually he reached his bed, curled up and went to sleep.
"Psst! Remy!"
Remy mumbled something.
"Remy! Wake up."
"Trying to sleep," Remy muttered.
"Hey, moron, wake up already. You have a visitor, namely me."
Finally Remy opened his eyes and gave a yell. Henri yelled back. For a moment they looked at each other.
"Henri?"
"Who else?"
"I hear that this Mesmero guy can come up with some neat party tricks."
Henri lifted his arms and Remy saw great coils and length of chains attached to them.
"This isn't exactly what I would call 'neat'."
"So, they finally got you in chains, huh?"
"Laugh now, mon frere," Henri said. "But I forged these chains in life, and you're forging your own set. Every link is a misdeed."
"Huh, well, that's very interesting. I'm going to go back to sleep now."
"Sure, it seems easy now. Such a fine time you're having and then... you die. And like me, Remy, you'll be walking the earth, forever burdened by these chains."
"Whatever you say," Remy replied, turning his back on him.
"You don't believe your own brother?"
"Ha! You're the one who taught me to lie."
"Well, not just me," Henri said, then sighed. "It's not too late."
"Too late for what?"
"To unmakes the chains. To turn for good."
"Now I know I'm dreaming. You're starting to sound like Stormy."
"You're going to be visited by three spirits tonight."
"Gin, rum and brandy?"
"Three ghosts then. Listen to them, Remy. Listen."
Henri disappeared. and Remy gratefully went back to sleep.
"Like, wakey-wakey!"
Remy opened one eye and it fell upon a girl with a perky face, grinning down at him.
"Umm, hi?"
"Finally! I was beginning to think you'd like, never wake up. I'm the Ghost of Christmas Past, but you can call me Kitty."
"Remy... You're one of those ghost Henri mentioned?"
"Uh huh."
"Right. I'm still dreaming then."
"Oh silly," Kitty giggled. "Don't go back to sleep! You have to come with me. We've got lots to see. Lots and lots and lots. Here, take my hand."
"No thanks."
"Fine. This is the song that never ends. It just goes on and on my friend."
"What are you doing?"
"Some people started singing it not knowing what it was."
"I hate that song!"
"And they'll continue singing it forever just because it is the song that never ends."
"Please don't."
"It just goes on and on my friend."
"Fine!" Remy said, taking Kitty's hand. "Just stop singing that!"
"Yay." Kitty cheered.
Much to Remy's surprise, the two began to float into the air and drifted out the window and into the light. The light which somehow transformed into the cityscape of New Orleans. The seemed to rush towards the ground and Remy gave a yell as they slipped through a wall and shut his eyes.
"Eee!" Kitty squealed. "Babies! I love the maternity ward."
Remy opened his eyes, looking around, yelled and closed them again. Babies. Babies everywhere.
"So cute. Aww aren't you so adorable?" Kitty babbled happily, skipping from one baby to another. "Aww, see, Remy this one looks just like you. Actually, is it you."
Remy opened one eye and looked. Sure enough, there was a baby with red-on-black eyes.
"Aren't you so cute," Kitty said, looking down at baby-Remy. "Such a little cutie-pie. Yes you are!"
"Must you babble so?" Remy asked, disgustedly. "And evidently you're the only one who thinks I'm such a 'cute' baby. I got abandoned here."
"Yeah. Weirdos," Kitty decided. "Ahh, isn't this nice? All the pretty Chrissy decorations. Cute little babies."
"I'm thrilled to bits," Remy said cynically.
"Come on sourpuss. More to see!"
A flash of light and they were no longer in the hospital, but on the streets.
"I thought this was New Orleans, not Christmas Town," Remy muttered as he looked around at the festive decorations.
"I'm the Ghost of Christmas Past, silly," Kitty said. "Not the Ghost of 'Any old time of the year' Past."
"Whatever."
"Look at all the kiddies running around and having fun," Kitty sighed.
"Good for them."
"Now let's see. I wonder where you are."
Still holding Remy's hand, Kitty skipped down the street and finally peered into an alley.
"Aww, see there you are. Bit dirty, aren't you?"
Remy looked down at distaste at his child-self.
"I was living on the streets. What do you expect?"
"I was making an observation. Not a criticism," Kitty said. "Hey watcha doin' now?"
They both watched as child-Remy slipped out of the alley. He looked around furtively, then made his way up the street. They both saw the moment where he picked the pocket of an unsuspecting victim. Remy gave a nod.
"There you go. Just scored today's meal."
"Must have been hard, huh?"
"Oui."
"An orphan living on the streets, no one to look out for him but him."
"Oui."
"Well, until Jean-Luc came along, huh? He took you in and he didn't have to."
Another flash of light and they were in the Guild Hall. A huge Christmas party was in full swing.
"Say," said Gambit. "I remember this party. This was one of the parties we had with the Assassins Guild. You know, to try and pretend we were at peace instead of at each others throats."
"Good time of year to do it," Kitty said. "Oh no... tell me you're not gambling?"
Remy's eyes lit up as they fell on the poker table, where his teenage self was playing poker with Henri, Emil and Theoren.
"Poker's fun," Remy said.
"What about carolling?"
"Carols are for children."
"You are a child."
"No," Remy replied, shaking his head. "I was never a child."
"Hmph," Kitty muttered, then her eyes lit up as she watched teen-Remy's head lift. "Well, now what's caught your attention? Or should I say who?"
Remy caught his breath as his gaze fell upon Bella Donna, daughter of the head of the Assassins Guild.
"I fold," teen-Remy said, putting down his cards.
Kitty giggled delightedly as teen-Remy stood and made his way over to Bella Donna.
"Enchante mademoiselle," he said, with an elegant bow.
Bella Donna looked him up and down with amused disdain.
"Yeah? Who are you?"
"Remy LeBeau," teen-Remy said, taking her hand and kissing it softly. "At your service."
"Aww," Kitty said with a giggle, clapping her hands excitedly. "So sweet! No wonder the girls are wild about you."
"What can I say? I've always had a way with women."
"Yeah..." Kitty said in amusement. "Let's see another Christmas with Bella Donna, hmm?"
Once again with a flash of light the scene changed. It was another party. Jean-Luc, Henri and an older teenage Remy LeBeau were gathered on the small platform with Marius, Julien and Bella Donna Boudreaux.
"It is our pleasure," said Jean-Luc, "to announce not only an engagement, but also the cementation of peace between our Guilds."
"Bella Donna Boudreaux and Remy LeBeau will be getting married, and henceforth lead the Guilds together," Marius said.
"Wow, an arranged marriage huh?" Kitty said. "That's sucky."
"Oui," Remy muttered.
"What?" objected Julien. "No! You won't have my sister!"
There was an audible gasp from the crowd as Julien hauled out a long knife. He ran the short distance to teenage-Remy, but he was quick on his feet and able to dodge. It was hard to make out the details of the ensuring scuffle, but somehow teenage-Remy got hold of the knife and turned it back on Julien. A moment later, Julien was on the ground, his blood spilling out onto the carpet. Teenage-Remy stood there panting, resting his weight on his knees as Bella Donna rushed to her brother's side.
"Julien? No!"
Bella Donna wept and wrapped her brother up in her arms. She glared at teenage-Remy.
"I hate you!"
"How much more of this do I have to watch?" Remy asked bitterly.
There was no reply and Remy found himself back in his bed.
A rumble roused Remy from his slumber, and with a shake the door opened.
"Good morning!"
"Umm, hi?" Remy questioned, sitting up in the bed.
"Hey there and Merry Christmas," said the figure in the doorway cheerfully. "I'm the Ghost of Christmas Present. Not to be mixed up with Christmas Gift. But you can call me Lance."
"Right, okay then. Hi Lance. I've had a rather disturbing night, so I'm just going to pass one... whatever it is that you want."
"Heh heh, nice try. Sorry buddy, but we've got not much to see and lots of time to see it in. Or is that the other way around? Anyway..."
Lance touched Remy's shoulder and the next thing he knew they were in a large apartment. A couple was sitting by the Christmas tree, and Remy immediately recognised the woman as Bella Donna.
"Belle," he said softly.
"She can't hear you," Lance said.
"Merry Christmas, Donyell," Bella Donna said as she passed a present to him.
"Thanks," he replied.
"He looks a lot like me, huh?" Remy mused. "Except I have way cooler eyes."
"Hey, maybe she misses you more than you thought?" Lance mused. "On the other hand..."
The sound of a baby's cry entered the room and Bella Donna stood.
"Guess I'd better go check on Julie," she said.
"Maybe not," Lance said with a chuckle.
"Nice to see she's moved on just fine," Remy said snippily. "Is there a point to this?"
"Hey I have a great idea," Lance said. "Let's visit the X-men's Christmas party. Now there's a group that knows how to have a good time."
A flash of light brought Remy and Lance to the X-mansion. The rooms were decorated - some to the point of distaste - but there was no denying the enthusiasm of the residents. There was a huge Christmas tree and wrapping paper was strewn everywhere. Kids were running around and playing with their new toys. The smell of Christmas dinner cooking filled the air and Christmas carols played.
Remy and Lance looked around and then Remy's eyes fell on a girl curled up on a lounge in the corner reading a book. She was dressed in purple, a streaks of white hair framed her face.
"She's beautiful," Remy said softly.
"Hmm? Oh Rogue," Lance said dismissingly.
"Rogue?"
"Yeah, she's pretty all right. Pretty dangerous. She can't control her mutation. Any contact with her skin and it's coma time. Everyone tends to keep their distance from her, and she keeps her distance from them."
Remy walked over to her and sat down on the edge of the lounge, just looking at her face. A glance told him she was reading a romance novel - a new one, as she was only at the beginning.
"Remy?"
"I bet I could find away around it."
"Around what? Her mutation? What are you, nuts?"
Before Remy could reply, Storm entered the room by the side of a man in a wheelchair.
"That's Professor Xavier," Lance whispered.
"I guess it's safe to say that neither Remy nor Evan and his friends will be coming this year. I had hoped..." Storm said with a sigh.
"You can invite them and encourage them to come," Professor Xavier said. "But you can't force them."
"I know."
"Who's Evan?" asked Remy.
"Let's see," Lance replied.
"I had a feeling that was coming," Remy said as the light enfolded them. "Phaw! What's that smell?"
"I'm surprise you don't recognise it," Lance said mildly. "I thought you'd been down in the sewers lately?"
Remy frowned and looked around. There was a collection of people, mostly children, sitting in makeshift shelters. There was a scraggly, almost leafless tree in the middle with poor decorations resting on its flimsy branches. Some of the kids were singing a badly off-key version of "Jingle Bells" and there was some kind of slop being passed off as food that they all seemed to be rather excited about having.
"Who are these people?" asked Remy.
"Ahh," Lance nodded. "They would be the Morlocks. And those are their leaders: Evan and Callisto."
"Why are they living down here?"
"Isn't it obvious? Their mutations make it difficult for them to get by upstairs. Can't go two feet without someone yelling 'mutie' and trying to kill them."
"Oh. Well, y'know, from the looks of things, guess it might be putting them out of their misery, no? Seriously, they're living in a sewer. Look at that ratty old tree."
"Not much, is it? But, Remy, I think you should look around again. Do any of these people actually look miserable?"
Remy scratched his head.
"Why didn't they go to the X-men's party?"
"The Morlocks don't want charity."
"A Christmas party is hardly charity."
Lance grunted and Remy turned to look at him. Remy frowned.
"Are you growing old?"
"Of course I am. I'm the Ghost of Christmas Present, and the Present Christmas is almost past," Lance replied as he began to fade away. "Don't you worry about me. There'll be another Christmas Present next year. Maybe his name will be Dominic, heh heh."
On those final words Lance was gone. A chill seemed to fill the air and as Remy looked around the sewers he became aware of just how empty of life they had become. There was rotten debris scattered around everywhere and Remy caught his breath.
"Past the massacre," Remy murmured.
He turned and started slightly when his eyes fell on a cloaked figure.
"So, umm, guess you're the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come, huh?" Remy said.
The hooded figure nodded.
"Okay, let's go with the flashy light show and get on with it."
The hooded figure touched him and in a puff of smoke they'd left the sewers and were standing in a park
"Well," Remy said. "That wasn't a flashy light show. Where are we?"
The hooded figure pointed to a plaque on a stone monument that read: "For the Victims of the Morlock Massacre. May we Never Forget." At the same time, Remy saw Storm walking towards the monument, a bunch of flowers in her hands. These she spread at the base of the monument.
"Hi Evan," she said softly. "It's your Auntie 'Ro here."
"Auntie 'Ro?" Remy repeated.
Storm continued to talk to the monument, but her words were obscured as the hooded figure touched Remy again. Another puff of smoke and they were out of the park and back at the X-mansion. Remy and the hooded figure watched as a black-haired man finished off an intense obstacle course.
"Logan," came the voice of Professor Xavier.
"Yeah Chuck?" asked Logan.
"Won't you come in to join us?"
"What's there to celebrate?"
"It is Christmas."
"Yeah well, I figure Rogue's missing this one, so why can't I?"
"I know Rogue's passing was only recent, but she wouldn't want you to use her death as an excuse to sit out on the festivities."
"What would you know about what she'd want?"
"I had been inside her head, for one thing."
"Yeah... fat lot of good that did."
"I was doing everything I could to help her control her powers, Logan," Professor Xavier said reproachfully. "But in the end, it was the sheer lack of physical affection that killed her. In her efforts to protect the people around her -"
"Dead is dead, Chuck. If you need to feed yourself those lines to stop yourself from feeling guilty, go right ahead. I'm staying right here and doing something productive with my time."
"That poor, beautiful girl," Remy said softly. "Can you actually die from such a thing?"
He got no answer. The hooded figure touched his back and once again they were transported in a puff of smoke. They appeared at the same casino that Remy has been gambling at not so long ago and arrived at his favourite table in time to catch the conversation that some of Remy's poker buddies were having.
"They found him in an alley. Must have been there a couple of days - just long enough for the smell to get out you know? Half eaten by rats -"
"Okay I did not need that visual."
"I heard he'd been stabbed."
"Uh huh, yeah, like a dozen times or something."
"That's ridiculous. If it had been me, I would have stabbed him at least twenty."
Laughter followed.
"Who are they talking about?" asked Remy.
"Do they know who did it?"
"Not a clue."
"Ha, if you ask me they're just choosing not to look."
"I heard it was some girl he was with."
"Well, that narrows it down to half the population."
"Jealous rage? Broke up with the wrong girl?"
"Who knows. I'm just glad he's gone. Maybe now I can win a few games."
As more laughter followed, the hooded figure touched Remy once more. This time when the smoke cleared, Remy found himself in the cemetery. At a gravestone not far away, Storm was standing.
"I used to think there was hope for you," she said softly. "I used to think there was something in you worth saving. I tried but... I guess I was wrong."
Remy watched silently as his friend left.
"So uhh..." he said nervously. "I don't suppose Stormy's friend is a different person to who they were talking about in the casino?"
The hooded figure said nothing. Instead he lifted his hand and pointed. Remy swallowed hard and made his way to the gravestone.
"None of this is, y'know, set in stone or anything? Pardon the pun. All of this can be changed... right?" he asked.
When he still failed to get a response, Remy knelt down by the grave. He closed his eyes and reluctantly brushed the frost away from the writing on the stone:
Remy LeBeau
"I don't know why I even care," he said. "Why should it bother me that the people I hang out with all the time don't even like me? So what? I'm not looking to make any friends. I'm not... I'm... I'm stabbed and left for dead in an alley. Merde!"
He whirled around and looked at the hooded figure.
"I can change that, right? I can change all of this. Please, just... just give me a chance. I know I can fix things. Please."
The mist built up around him, obscuring his vision.
"Please!"
Remy shot up in bed, damp from a cold sweat. For a moment he sat there panting, then hauled himself out of bed. He opened up the window and looked out.
"Hey you kid," Remy said, spotting that carolling boy. "Jim or James or -"
"Jamie."
"Jamie. Right. What day is it?"
"Uhh, well it's Christmas Day."
"Really? Excellent, I haven't missed it. Listen, do you know where Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters is?"
"Yeah..."
"Do me a favour and go there. Ask for Storm and let her know that Remy sent you and to expect lots of company okay?"
"Ummm..."
"Oh and here's five dollars for your trouble."
"Gee, thanks Mister!"
Remy chuckled and went into his office where he pulled out his notes and got to work.
Evan looked up as Remy entered the part of the sewers they called their home, shaking his head.
"Hey, who are you?"
Silence spread amongst the Morlocks as they eyed the intruder.
"Bonjour, mes amis," Remy said cheerfully. "You must be Evan? I'm Remy. Remy LeBeau. Listen I was wondering if you'd be interested in a trade."
"A trade?" Evan replied skeptically. "You invite yourself into our home - on Christmas of all days - looking to trade?"
"Oui," Remy nodded. "You see, my friend Stormy invited me to this big party at her place. I wasn't going to go, but this morning I changed my mind. Thing is, I don't have a present for her, and all the shops are closed, so I was hoping I could persuade her nephew - her family - to come to the party as well."
"We're in the middle of a party of our own," Evan replied.
"Oui, I can see that," Remy replied. "I'm sure that Stormy won't mind if you brought friends. And in exchange, I have a hot tip. Actually the hot tip is for free: have you heard of Mr Sinister?"
"Vaguely."
"Well, his Marauders are planning to invade next Tuesday and slaughter you all. And well, you can see how far I got without any one noticing."
Evan pursed his lips and Remy pulled out a sheet of paper.
"I know how to fix yor security so that no one will ever be able to do that," he said. "Although, I would advise you not to be here on Tuesday all the same. Nevertheless, if you'll come with me to Stormy's party, the security upgrade is yours."
"Why should we trust you?" Callisto demanded.
"Take a good long look at my eyes," Remy said seriously and gestured around the room. "Then tell me I don't know exactly what you're all going through."
"Remy!" Storm exclaimed at the door to the X-mansion. "Evan!"
"You got my message, right, Stormy?" Remy asked.
"Oh, yes, yes of course."
"Excellent," Remy said kissing her hand. "And Merry Christmas."
"Merry Christmas, Auntie 'Ro," Evan said.
"Evan, it's so good to see you," Storm said happily as Remy made his way inside. "I didn't think you were going to come."
"Remy talked us into it."
"Remy did? Well, I... Come in, come in all of you. There's plenty for everyone."
Rogue was deeply engrossed in her new book when someone sat on the edge of the lounge she was curled up on.
"Can I help you?" she asked, looking up at the complete stranger in front of her.
"Bonjour, cherie," Remy said. "Merry Christmas."
"Umm, thanks," Rogue replied. "Merry Christmas. I'm sorry, am I supposed to know you?"
"Oui. We should have met years ago, but I kept declining Stormy's invitations, more fool me. Please, allow me to make up delaying our meeting but taking you out to dinner. How does Monday sound?"
"You're not serious."
"Why wouldn't I be serious?"
"I'm not exactly date material for one thing. And I don't even know your name for another."
"Remy LeBeau. And I never said anything about a date. I said dinner."
Rogue gave him a long look. Remy kissed her hand again and stroked it gently.
"Rogue," she replied. "Pick me up at six."
And thus it was that Remy joined the X-men and celebrating Christmas with much enthusiasm every year. Storm was stunned speechless by the change in her friend, but by no means complained. The Morlocks were spared the massacre and Rogue went on to live a good long life with the man she would one day call her husband, Remy.