Valentines Speed Dating!
by Kairi Taylor
(The scene opens to the front of the Turner household)
Narrator: We once again begin our tale at the home of Timmy Turner where—
Wanda's Voice: HOLD IT! (Suddenly, Wanda, Cosmo and Poof all pop up on screen.) Now just wait one darn minute. There is something very important we need to discuss!
Cosmo: Yeah. Where are my nachos? I ordered an entire barrel of Tostitos and Cheese and you have yet to deliver!
Wanda: No not that! We're here to discuss our involvement in this year's Valentine's story.
Narrator: Uh…I was not aware you were in this one.
Cosmo: Precisely! We've been left out of the major story for the last 2 years! We're not Sanjay and Elmer, we deserve better!
Poof: Poof poof poof!
Wanda: Poof's got a valid point. We need to be a part of this story.
Narrator: Ok ok, wait, let me make a call. (Sounds of a phone being dialed are heard as seconds later, a script is tossed to the 3 of them.) Ok, we've made a few adjustments. Lets see what you three can do to make this Valentine's Day memorable!
Cosmo: And I know just the thing. (Cosmo raises his wand. Seconds later, a Red Dragon appears and begins to attack Dimmsdale.)
Wanda: Cosmo you dolt! What does a dragon have to do with Valentine's Day?
Cosmo: Well, it's red isn't it?
Wanda: Oh for the love of—(Wanda raises her wand)
3 Hours Later…
Timmy (wiping blood from his sword): I take it there is a reason why I had to use those leftover D&D weapons today.
Wanda: Well, more or less it's all related to Valentine's Day this year.
Timmy: Oh no, what is he gonna do this time? Better question, will it possibly end with me somehow getting a One Way Trip on the Rape Train courtesy of Veronica?
Wanda: No, and next time you should REALLY ignore any invites you get on Tumblr. As for this year's events, we're in charge of things now!
Cosmo: And when we're done you'll be upgraded to a Round Trip Ticket.
Timmy: Yeah, this will not really help your case Cosmo. So, what are you going to do?
Wanda: We're employing the most sensible solution this year for once.
Poof: Poof poof poof poof?
Wanda: No son, for the last time it's not going to be just Tootie. We have to throw all of them a bone. Timmy, we're introducing you to the world of Speed Dating!
Timmy: Uh oh. I don't like the sounds of this.
Cosmo: Hey, give it a shot. It can work out better than your last effort.
5 MONTHS PRIOR
Timmy: Hey there good looking, how'd you like to go out with a cutie like me. (makes smooching noises)
Hideyoshi: I'm a guy, you know.
Timmy: (sweatdrops)
Back…
Timmy: But…the cuteness…I was so sure…
Cosmo: Greater men have been fooled. Even Prince Adam, but hey he is living the Hard Gay lifestyle.
Prince Adam's Voice: LEAVE ME OUT OF THIS! AND I AM NOT HARD GAY!
Wanda: So let's get this underway! (Cosmo and Wanda lift their wands and activate them)
Narrator: And so, Cosmo and Wanda enacted their plan. But little do they know that an unknown enemy lurks behind the scenes.
(Cut to Vicky sitting at her table)
Vicky: Hey, it's not much of a surprise if you cut to me.
Narrator: Sorry, but that's how things are done. And why are you here anyway?
Vicky: For the past few years I've been left out of the antagonist spotlight! I am TIRED of being the go-to gal for a lame gag, so this year it will be ALL ABOUT ME! And I'm gonna do it by cutting in on the twerps little get together.
Narrator: Yes, you are aware that your plans usually tend to fall short, right?
Vicky: Its fan fiction, that means Hartman ain't here to ruin it.
Narrator: Good point. Well, let's move on to the next scene then.
(We now cut to a nice dining hall where Timmy is seated at a table in a nice suit. Instead of his usual hat, he wears a pink fedora.
Timmy: Ok, just how is this going to work? (Wanda and Cosmo walk in dressed as a waiter and waitress specifically.)
Wanda: It's real simple sport. Each of them will have a conversation with you for 10 minutes at a time. After that, you will make your decision based on those conversations.
Cosmo: And in case you can't decide, we will have a random female run in to slap the common sense into you.
Timmy: Wait, is that last part really necessary?!
Wanda: One of our sponsors insisted on it. (Wanda points to Houki Shinonono who is winding up her slapping arm)
Timmy: Yeah, nothing odd about that. You do realize that each of these girls do have somewhat, um, obsessive tendencies.
Cosmo: Well DUH! Why do you think we had Fairy Mason draw up a contract they had to sign? (Cosmo hands over a piece of paper for Timmy to read.)
Timmy: No glomping, no tackling, no unauthorized touches, no power tools, no borderline psychotic behavior, no use of any military grade weapons, full ban on any and all ninjitsu, ABSOLUTELY NO ATTEMPTS TO GO ANYWHERE NEAR TIER 15. Do—do I want to know about—
Wanda: Stay away from it!
Cosmo: So, let us get started on the first date. Come on in Tootie!
Timmy: Oh boy here it comes… (Tootie walks in, wearing a black and white almost Gothic Lolita like dress.)
Tootie: Hello Timmy, you look good.
Timmy: Uh…thanks. Ok this is odd. She's normally a little more animated.
Wanda: That's the point of this speed dating exercise Timmy. You are just going to sit in that chair and TALK.
Cosmo: Woman, you ask of the impossible!
Wanda: Is it so hard to actually try?!
Timmy (ignoring them): That's actually a nice dress you have there.
Tootie: Oh thanks. It was something that I had special ordered from Japan. I got a lot of different ones. The fedora you have is kind of nice.
Timmy: Oh thanks. I like it actually, it kinda makes me feel a little more mature.
Narrator: And so, Timmy Turner ventured into the often overlooked art of Meaningful Conversation!
Wanda: Yes, you'd be surprised how often that can work.
Cosmo: Tell that to the Kardashians.
Narrator: But outside, trouble lurked for—
Wanda: If you mean Vicky, we figured that she would pop up soon. So we hired some protection!
Cosmo: We wanted Vikings but I'm banned from interactions with Norway. So we got the next best thing!
(Cut to outside. I stand at the entrance with Mako and Bolin)
Me: Well, this is new.
Mako: Explain to me why I'm here helping you out. Isn't Danny Fenton or Sokka usually your go to guys?
Me: Yeah, but they have Valentine's plans of their own. Especially Sokka.
Bolin: Ty Lee? Suki? Toph?
Me: ALL OF THEM.
Bolin: I really need to get pointers from him. But uh, can you clarify…HIS presence? (Bolin points to Yuuji Sakamoto)
Yuuji: Look, let's just say there are places I rather not be right now on Valentine's Day. I rather go face to face with a heartless, violence bred demon from hell.
Me: So, he's perfect to help us fend off Vicky. (Suddenly, a tank rolls into the view of all of us.)
Vicky's Voice: All right gentlemen, we can do this the easy way or the hard way! Which will it be? If you choose the hard way, I would have no problem with using every damn piece of equipment that this tank has.
Me: Hmm, we have option 3,
Vicky's Voice: Option 3? (Suddenly, Bolin stomps his foot into the ground, and a large jagged piece of rock lifts the tank up high into the air. Yuuji presses a button and several anti tank missiles slam into her tank, sending it back)
Mako: I like option 3. Quite handy.
(Meanwhile back inside)
Tootie: And that is where I got the license from.
Timmy: Hmm, that sounds way more exciting than I originally thought! But how did you get away from the Sandistas?
Tootie: Good question. It was rather tricky but—(a buzzer goes off)
Wanda: Ok kids, time's up. Sorry, but we have to move on!
Cosmo: And it was getting really interesting too!
Wanda: Sorry, but rules are rules. Now for your next date, here is local teen socialite and heartbreaker Trixie Tang! (Trixie enters, in a nice blouse and jeans.)
Trixie: Ok, I guess I COULD just try this out for once. Hey Timmy, you look adequate.
Timmy: Uh, thanks I guess. So…what can we talk about, other than how pretty you look?
Trixie: That would be a good starting point but I'm not that shallow. Ok, that shrine I have to me installed in the bathroom was reaching but still…
Timmy: Let's see let's see…What do you think about the new Crimson Chin vs. Catman movie planned?
Trixie: THAT?! Oh let's not get started on the casting choices! (Trixie pulls out a clipboard from her pockets) First off, the casting they had for Catman is INSANE! Val Kilmer just can't nail the style that we need to make Catman believable and I am not basing this off of his past performance as Kamikaze, Dude With No Phobia! And the writer that they consulted for this one, everyone knows that Fred Marker has a serious hatred of Crimson Chin, especially if you read "All Star Catman"!
Timmy: And now I remember just how much of a comic fan she really is.
(Meanwhile outside…)
Mako: Well, this is a breeze so far. I can't believe we were worried about Vicky.
Bolin: Come on bro with this much manly might, we can take her on any time!
Yuuji: You know, usually I would agree with that sentiment, but given my experience with women, I suggest that you do not underestimate her.
Me: Ditto. Who knows what evil, diabolical machination wrought from Hell she will unleash next. (On cue, Vicky wanders in…holding an Espurr) OH GOD IT'S WORSE THAN I THOUGHT!
Vicky: What, this? Nah I just got it of of Wonder Trade for my Hawlucha.
Ember McLains Voice: I GOT A VULPIX, WHAT NOW BITCHES?!
Vicky: But as for you 4 I see the direct approach will not do. So I'll have to deal with you individually. And I'll start with Rock Boy!
Bolin: Bring it sister. You're dealing with an elite Pro Bending Fighter and a Moving Picture Star. There's nothing you can do that will faze me.
Vicky: Oh it's not me you have to worry about. It's HER.
?: Hello my feeble Turtle Duck.
Bolin: …oh no.
Mako: She didn't… (from behind Vicky appears Eska)
Eska: I have made plans for us to spend a stimulating day of romance together. Come, we must depart.
Bolin: Uh guys, any advice? Specifically advice that enables me to live will do.
Mako: Run.
Yuuji: Run.
Me: Keep running, keep running, for the love of God, KEEP RUNNING.
Bolin: Good idea. DYNAMIC EXIT! (Bolin immediately runs away as Eska gives chase)
Vicky: All too easy.
Me: I dread what else she has in store.
(Back inside of the dining area.)
Trixie: But really, I do love what Eastman has done with the Turtles. He managed to fit in both characters from the 2 animated series and comic in so well. And making Hun the father of Casey Jones, I did NOT see that coming.
Timmy: I know. IDW Comics has quite a bit of interesting titles. Can you believe they brought back the Lone Gunmen for the X Files comic?
Trixie: They did? (A buzzer sounds) Oh nuts, just when it was getting good!
Cosmo: Well, you'll have to read about it on my blog. Ok next up Veronica!
Timmy: Ok, this could be either mentally scarring or very surprising. Please don't let this be the first. (Veronica sits at the table, dressed up in a lovely white and pink gown) Oh, nice look.
Veronica: Thanks I guess. So.. what should we talk about?
Timmy: I dunno…comics?
Veronica: Nah, not really my thing.
Timmy: Ok, how about, uh, politics?
Veronica: I have had my fill of the Tea Party thank you very much.
Timmy: Understandable…ok, I'm just reaching here but I'm laying it all on the line. (From out of his pocket, Timmy pulls out…a small Twilight sparkle figurine.)
Veronica: … (holds up a Derpy figurine)
(Back outside…)
Me: We're down one Earth Bender. What else can go wrong?
Vicky: My next target shall be the chess master over there!
Yuuji: Realy? I'd like to see how you will get rid of me.
Vicky: It's quite easy actually. (Vicky steps aside to reveal Lucy Heartfillia…dressed in an all-white two piece bikini set)
Me:
Mako: Wow.
Kouta: (faints after suffering a massive nosebleed)
Me and Vicky: WHEN THE HELL DID YOU GET HERE?!
Lucy: Look, I was called here to go out on a date with some guy named Yuuji. I don't even know why I had to dress like this though, so if we can get this over with…
Yuuji: I'm sorry but there is a bit of a misunderstanding. Although you do look really nice I think tha—ARRRGGGHHH! (Yuuji falls to the ground in pain as his eyes are gouged by Shoko Kirashima)
Shoko: Yuuji…what are you doing looking at another woman, especially when we have plans for today?
Yuuji: Since when the hell did we have anything planned for—YAARRGGHHH (Shoko applies a taser to Yuuji knocking him out)
Shoko: If no one minds, I will be departing with Yuuji. (Shoko grabs him by the collar and drags him off)
Me: O-kaayyy. We're screwed.
Mako: You're telling me. Ok look, I'll take on Vicky. Someone has to put a end to this madness and let's face it, you're probably the last person qualified for the job.
Me: It's because of the Nibelheim Incident, right?
Sephiroth's Voice: THE RESTRAINING ORDER IS BINDING YOU BASTARDS!
Vicky: While I would love to do you in, I think we should fight fire…WITH FIRE! (From Mako's right leaps in Azula, with a burning jump kick.)
Azula: So, this guy represents the future of all Fire Benders? I am not impressed.
Mako: Give me a minute. I'm sure you'll warm up to me.
Me: Oh man, here comes the bad puns. (A sign next to me appears that reads 'ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED- Grey Delisle Hat Trick') SO glad I didn't get Kitty Katswell here this year
Azula: Bring it on, junior! (The two begin exchanging fists and fire blasts as I confront Vicky)
Vicky: And now there's you. I really owe you for these past 5 years. Especially for the Chain Chomp.
Me: Yeah, uh, how did those rabies shots work out?
Vicky: NOT. WELL. Any last words?
Me: Uh, just two. "OOOH YEAH!"
Vicky: Kind of odd choice for last words don't you—(Vicky is dropped to the ground by a elbow drop as Marceline dives in)
Me: Your timing needs work!
Marceline: Yeah, sorry, I had to find the right hat. And you owe me for this one, don't forget that.
Vicky: Oh HELL NO! MY VENGEANCE WILL NOT BE STOPPED BY AN OVERRATED VAMPIRE!
Marceline: Uh, you may wanna move to the right…
(Back inside the hall…)
Timmy: Wow, that was way more fun than I originally thought it would be.
Wanda: I told you, if you actually took the time to get to know a girl, she will surprise you.
Cosmo: And best of all, there's no trip on the Rape Train!
Wanda: That is one meme that needs to die horribly. So sport, who will it be?
Timmy: Ok after spending time with each of them, as well as fully appreciating the detailed description of the My Little Pony comics' many hidden refs, plus to avoid the fist of Houki…
Houki: Indecisive my ass!
Timmy: I think it's only fair that my choice this year will be—
Narrator: And just as we would get a definitive answer, this happened.
(The wall explodes as Marceline enters, drop-kicking Vicky in the face)
Marceline: YEEHAH!
Trixie: So…no answer this year huh?
Veronica: Seems so. That's not fair.
Houki: Never is. So…wanna help Marceline and take out your aggression on Vicky?
Trixie and Veronica: Yes. (All three of them hold up shinai and proceed to attack Vicky violently.)
Timmy: What just happened? (I walk in looking back)
Me: LONG story. Uh, can you move about five paces to the left? Yeah that's good!
Timmy: And I am moving because—(seconds later, Azula's body flies by and goes through the opposite wall. Following close behind is Asami Sato, in her own StarkTech like armor while Mako chases her)
Mako: I told you I could handle it!
Asami: And I told her to STAY WAY FROM MY MAN!
Timmy: Glad that's cleared up. Now what? (Timmy is grabbed by his wrist as Tootie drags him off.)
Tootie: SOMEONE has to salvage this day. Come on, we're off to the movies. We need a ride though. (The opposite wall explodes as Bolin and Eska, riding atop a flying bison, arrive.)
Bolin: Someone hail a ride?
Me: Ok…umm…
Eska: We came through an understanding through stimulating conversation…and a reading of 'Fire Nation Paradise'.
Timmy and Tootie: Of course. (The 4 ride off as I confront Cosmo, Wanda, Poof and Marceline)
Me: Ok. Successful test. I hope you all are happy now.
Poof: Poof poof.
Wanda: Yes it was one hell of a Xanatos Gambit, I agree.
Marceline: I'm amazed we can understand the little guy.
Me: I never questioned it. It saves me headaches. So, I'll be off playing Ninja Gaiden 3 on the Wii-U if anyone needs me.
Cosmo: Not so fast.
Marceline: There's still the little matter of the favor you owe.
Me: …oh man.
5 Hours Later…
Me:…I can't believe you guys made me agree to this. (I look around as Marceline, Cosmo and I walk into a Brony-Con. I have on a Twilight Sparkle Hoodie and Marceline has a Zecora messenger bag while Cosmo has on a Rainbow Dash hat.)
Cosmo: And I can't believe you wrote two pony related stories. Life's full of surprises.
Marceline: Truth be told, it was PB's idea. She figured if she has to endure this, so should you.
Me: She REALLY needs to go out with Finn sooner or later.
Cosmo: Why don't you write a story featuring Marceline and Princess Bubblegum anyway?
Marceline: Burning Lariat to his face will be my answer.
Me: This can't get any more awkward. (Suddenly, we come face to face with Kitty Katswell, wearing a Rarity shirt and Dudley, with a Pinkie Pie hat and shirt) Yeah, I kind of figured. (A sign appears) Hmm…"ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED- Brick Joke".
Kitty: Let me guess, someone is cashing in on a favor.
Me: Yes. You?
Kitty: We're waiting for a renewal.
Cosmo: At least people admit to watching your show!
Dudley: Look for the last time, it was all Butch's doing!