Clara doesn't want to talk, she sits on her bed, unclenching her fists. She wants to go home, she wants to see her father, and aunt again. The other half of her doesn't want to. Her head falls onto her pillow, she sighs. Closing her eyes, she hears the familiar wheezing sound of the TARDIS, she smiles, but then her heart beats quick, having that uneasy feeling in her gut. She's so nervous, she sits up again, and tries to calm down.
The knocking on the door made her jump, she anticipated it though, she just feels tense.
"Is it you, Doctor?" she asks over the door, her hand shaking, she tries to close her hand around the knob but she's just so scared, she doesn't know why.
"I'm here, Clara." she hears him say, his voice is so different and low. Clara finally opens the door, and he The Doctor hugs her straight away, no hesitation. She is shocked, and moves her hands up to his back.
"Hey, what's the matter?" she raises her head away from him, "did something bad happen?" he falls silent, and presses him self closer. "Doctor... you're scaring me, what happened."
"I saw something bad. I need to clear my head, so I came to you." his voice is so gentle, hitting all the nerves in her body, making her relax. He pulls away slowly, and gives her a small smile. "Sorry. I just..." he trails off, sitting on the couch. His hands are fidgeting, sometimes rubbing his neck, and shoulders. Making Clara very uneasy.
"I missed you, Doctor. It has been for too long, you know. I'm 29 years old now." she gulps, "I'm also getting married." the words fall from her mouth, and she clasps it from her hands. "I-"
He just stares at her, his mouth quirks up, and he has his frown. He puts his hands on face, and hears her breathing. "You're getting married?" he says out loud, "I came far too late then." he stands up, ready to leave. His hands shaking, the uneasiness in the pit of his stomach, he wants to throw up.
"It happened, Doctor, while you were gone for all those years. I had nothing. I needed something to clear my head too." She tells him, eyes fierce. "I needed someone, I need a life, Doctor. Give me that." she's desperate.
He walks over to her, "I watched you die, Clara. In front of me." his eyes watering, "you fell into my arms, and I watched your last breath." he backs away from her, making sure she got the information. It seems like it had, her eyes wide, scared, mouth trembling. "I was so close, Clara, so close to saving you again, so close I-" he stops, he cries. He covers his face with his hands, he doesn't want her to see him like this, all broken. "I killed them, Clara." he sobs, "I killed every single monster in that damn room, that horrible room where you died."
Her arms wrapped around him, she's shaking, and pulls him to the ground with her. "I'm right here, Doctor. I'm here." she tells him gently. His head falls between her neck and shoulder, and kisses her there. She then feels his lips moving up to her neck, her jawline, and he pulls away.
"I had to make sure you are real, I'm sorry." he's trembling, and scoots further away from her, just a bit.
"Doctor, you and I... why do we find each other in those most dire situations? Why do we have this conflict in our lives where we can't be together?" she asks, scooting closer to him. "Because every time," her voice soft, "I see you get hurt, trouble, whatever it is, I just want to be there, I want to be with you." she tells him, rubbing his back comfortingly. "I was desperate, Doctor. The whole getting married thing, I needed to be loved. I just wished it was you." she stops, and moves her hand away.
He stares at the vanilla carpet beneath him, "I'm sorry I wasn't here at the right time. I told you 20 minutes, and I gave you years. I watched you fall apart in my arms, it's the like universe just... doesn't care." his breath shaky, "I love you, Clara." he tells her, looking up at her. "I love you so much." he turns his head away, his jaw clenching, "You make me feel better. All of those adventures, your whole life that you sacrificed, then having more lives to save mine." in the corner of his eye, he see's her silently crying,
"You deserve better, Clara, you don't deserve me. I'm not worthy to be your husband." he frowns, he looks at the carpet again.
She puts her hand on the side of his face, "I do deserve you. I deserve you, Doctor." fresh tears rolling down her cheeks, cocking her head, "but not in this life." she tells him solemnly.