AN: You can all blame Sadie193 for this fic. She asked if I was gonna write a 'House of Death Note' fic. I said I wasn't gonna write another 'House of …' fic but then this popped into my head. It seems crazy, and it is called insanity in a can…
Yeah, it's set after the events of Death Note, when the characters are all in Mu, though nobody remembers who Kira turned out to be or how and why they died. There aren't many spoilers if you haven't got to the end of Death Note, and it's not supposed to be serious. It's just a bit of fun so don't flame for that, okay? If you want to flame me, at least have a good reason.
Disclaimer: If it looks like I don't own it then, chances are I don't… but I do own the insanity!
Insanity in a Shampoo Bottle
In the realm of Mu was a single landmass, an island known as Nothingness. The island was host to the region of Nothing, in which the city of None stood. The residents were a mix of individuals who had lived out their mortal lives on Earth. These were the people who frequented the streets of None, who occupied the homes and ran the shops, who ambled around the city unsure of what to do next other than life as they had before, who generally fell into three categories; those miffed weren't in heaven, those pleased they weren't in hell and those who were disappointed that the gates weren't shiny.
One Tota Matsuda, who lived with his abnormal companions from the Kira case in Nothing House on the outskirts of None, definitely fell into the last category. Of course, there were other categories, those who had occupied the city for a while and no longer cared being the only normal category. The others were just fascinating anomalies – particularly those who had been involved with the Death Gods and their tools. Ah, yes, those were the interesting cases...
Light Yagami, straight-A student, budding detective and secret potato chip lover, allowed himself a sigh of relief as the mercifully warm water touched his body. He had achieved his goal for the day. He had beaten Mello to the last of the hot water. Perhaps if Light had not been so competitive, he would have waited for Mello to use up all of the previous night's hot water then pressed the button on the heating to gain more – but he was Light Yagami and nobody ever beat Light Yagami; he was too perfect for that.
He permitted a small-but-far-too-evil-for-his-model-teenager-persona smile and began his rigorous routine of toning up his perfection by becoming even more hygienic than he had been after his evening shower the day before. Oh yes, Barbie-girl was beaten and that meant that Light could wash his hair in peace, without the hot water fizzling into cold as he laced his hair with conditioner.
He reached for his shampoo only to discover that he hadn't won after all. His shampoo was not behind the shower curtain with him.
'So that's the way he wants to play, is it?' Light thought, his brilliant mind immediately jumping to sabotage because there was no way he would ever forget to bring his shampoo and conditioner into the shower with him even if there were a thousand Mellos chasing him for the hot water. But what could he do about his lack of shampoo?
He pondered, but his pondering was interrupted by a creak as the bathroom door opened. In a matter of nanoseconds, Light had cursed himself for not locking it, leapt to the conclusion that Mello had come gloat and/or perve on him in the shower – Light assumed there was not a lot Mello wouldn't stoop to and since Light was so perfect, it was perfectly reasonable to assume it was a possibility – and finally discover that it was not Mello's outline he could make out through the shower curtain. Light's quick-thinking mind dreamt up the perfect solution.
"Ryuzaki!" he exclaimed. "Please pass me my shampoo and conditioner. They're on the sink."
Light observed the outline move to the sink, hearing the voice of the world's greatest detective as L picked up the bottle of shampoo with one finger and a thumb.
"L'Oreal Grapefruit and Lemongrass shampoo? Is this what Light-kun wishes me to pass him?"
"Yes, please," Light replied. "And the conditioner too if you can."
L nodded, pulling his thumb away from his mouth in order grasp the other bottle.
"Is Light-kun sure? Does he not think his shampoo is a little feminine?" L asked, placing the first bottle in the hand Light stuck out of the shower curtain for that purpose.
"Ryuzaki, it's L'Oreal!" Light defended, receiving the second bottle.
L considered this, his thumb making its way absently back to his mouth. "Would Light-kun please explain what relevance the brand name has to his liking of feminine shampoo?"
Light's head popped out of the shower curtain. Flicking his hair in a way that would have made most model's proud and Misa faint, he said, "Because I'm worth it!"
"Double blackmail! Result!" the voice Light least wanted to hear celebrated.
Light's head whipped around just in time to see Mello's disappearing back. He would get his revenge, he resolved, going back to his shampooing. He was just rinsing the shampoo out of his hair when he noticed something.
"Ryuzaki, why are you in here?" he asked, sticking his head out of the shower curtain again to see that L had developed a sudden interest in his bare toes.
"Well," L began after a short pause, avoiding all eye-contact with the L'Oreal-user in the shower. "Light-kun must promise not to laugh at me or be offended."
"Sure, Ryuzaki," Light promised. "I won't mock you. Now what is it?"
L rubbed his toes together self-consciously. He mumbled something incoherently, cheeks turning pink.
"What was that?" Light prompted.
Meeting the younger one's gaze for the first time, L declared, "I'm hiding from the dentist."
The task force, Matt, Mello, Misa and Near were sat around the large, circular dining room table. Everyone was looking serious and focussed, with the exception of Matt, who was adjusting his goggles, Mello, who was munching on chocolate, that act taking all of his concentration, and Misa, who was busy sending as many texts proclaiming her love for Light to Light's phone as she could before he came downstairs and she could tell him to his face.
"So what do we do about the current situation?" Aizawa asked, looking to Soichiro Yagami for guidance.
Soichiro ran a hand through his hair. "It doesn't seem like there is a lot we can do," he relayed. "We know it's all over and we have died but we're all unable to remember what happened with the Kira case except our knowledge of each other from social functions. But we appear to be alive, in an ordinary, European house."
"But why this house, chief?" Matsuda enquired, looking up from studying the palm of his hand. Didn't he know that the third sign of madness was looking for hairs on the palms of your hands? Matt wasn't sure but Matsuda sure looked like he had enough sanity related issues without developing the signs. Perhaps someone ought to tell him about that…
"Because it happens to be modelled after a house owned by Watari and we can hardly leave for Japan when we don't know where exactly we are. None of us have ever heard of the city of None in 'Mu'," Soichiro explained. "And we don't know what the effects of this development will be. L seems to have developed an aversion to dentists-"
"L's always had an aversion to dentists," Mello scoffed.
"And Light has been spending an long time preening himself recently-"
"Light's always spent a long time preening himself," Matsuda muttered.
Aizawa added, "And Matsuda's even slower and more annoying than usual!"
There was a pause.
"Hey!" Matsuda exclaimed. "I am not slow! I'm just a bit… mental-speed-ally challenged."
"Is 'mental-speed-ally' even a word?" Matt asked Near.
Near shook his head.
"Matt you're an idiot!" Mello insulted. "Does it sound like a real word?"
"I dunno," Matt replied. "It could be! I don't know every language out there and I've never read the dictionary!"
"Does it look like Matsuda knows every language and has read the dictionary?" Mello questioned.
"Well no but Matsuda could know more than me!" Matt defended.
"Hey, guys! This table is round!" Matsuda cried, grinning from ear to ear with the joy of his discovery.
Mello sniggered. "See what I mean, Matt?"
"Ooh! We could be the time-and-space-travelling investigators of the round table just like King Arthur's knights!" Matt announced, not listening to Mello. "It could be TASTIRT for short!"
"Okay," Mello admitted, turning to Soichiro. "Whatever got us here has definitely done something to Matt…"
Soichiro nodded slowly. "I think we should ask L what he thinks when he comes down. We should probably ask Light too."
"Yes," Aizawa agreed, full of purpose, standing up to find L.
He didn't have to go far; the sugar-addicted detective could be heard screaming before they saw Watari pass by the doorway dragging L by the back of his shirt.
"IT'S NOT FAIR! PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME! PLEASE! I DON'T WANT TO GO! HELP! WATARI IS KIDNAPPING ME! HELP! HELP!"
The task force just stared.
Matsuda broke the silence, sinking to his knees as the door slammed, signalling L and Watari's departure, "WE'RE STUCK HERE FOREVER! WE'RE DOOOOOOMED! DOOMED, I TELL YOU! DOOOOOOOOO-"
Aizawa delivered a sharp slap to Matsuda's face. "Shut up."
Matsuda stood up, rubbing his face sheepishly. "Thank you."
Sachiko Yagami, Light's mother, appeared in the doorway to the kitchen. "Did you call, Matsuda, dear?" she asked, stepping forwards to ruffle Near's hair. Near blissfully ignored the woman who seemed intent on mothering every person in the house who was younger than she was, including Aizawa, who had a wife and Mogi, who was certainly big enough to take care of himself.
"No, sorry Mrs Yagami," Matsuda replied, eyes downcast.
"So what do we do now?" Aizawa asked, gripping his afro with both hands.
Sachiko smiled, "Well, I'm serving waffles. Who'd like some?"
"ME!"
"Matsuda," Aizawa started. "You're an idiot."
AN: Okay, it's short but the next chapter is already underway. I already have half of it from when I started this story in April 08. So yeah, just a bit of fun. Hope you enjoyed it and if you did then please review!
Oh, and Sayu isn't there 'cause she hasn't died yet. As for Ide... You'll see.