Yarn
SUMMARY: A mix of people in the closet. Random one-shot. Crack-fic and such.
"Oof!"
"What is this place?"
"Why's it so dark?"
"This better not be another-"
"Pettigrew-"
"Grumble later, Snape."
"POTTER!"
"I'm right here."
"This is one of your other stupid pranks, yeah?"
"Well, not really..."
"It is or it isn't?"
"It was supposed to be one, but then Sirius got backtracked-"
"You mean you got backtracked-"
"-by some stupid first-year named Ginny Something-or-other. She pushed us in this blasted broom closet."
"Oh. Where's my wand?"
"Woah, woah. Where are we? Snape, isn't it the Gryffindor blood-traitors and the Mudblood-ARGH!"
"Didn't your mother teach you to shut your foul mouth, Rosier?"
"Er...I would hazard a guess to no, never."
A shuffle. "Rosier, ten points from Slytherin."
"Ouch, Peter-Minnie, you're here too?"
"She is. It's a small world."
"Yes, Black, Lupin. As absurd as it seems, I am stuck here also. Please refrain from the rude nickname."
"I'm sorry, Professor, but I believe they can't help it."
"I know, Lupin, I know."
"Enough talking-Anyone got a wand?"
"No."
"I can't believe it-"
"What the heck?"
"Nope."
"Great. What do we do now?"
"Hold on. Snivelly, move to that corner with Rosier."
"Yeah, this is much better."
"ACK!"
"Ha. You sound like a girl."
"I think my bag broke."
"We're stuck in this bloody closet, and all you think about is your bag?"
"True."
"D'you think Dumbledore is missing us?"
"Snape, get off my robes!"
"He can't help it."
"Yeah, he's impulsive."
"Are we talking about Dumbledore or Snape?"
"Dumbledore, I think-"
"Snivellus, of course-"
"Me."
"I hardly think you deserve any more attention than you already have."
"Methinks that all four of the Mauraders deserved the same place you put us under, oh High and Mighty Snivelly. What d'you think, Prongs?"
"Snape, get away."
"Don't listen to the Mud-"
A Minute Later
"I believe that was unnecessary, Ms. Evans. Nevertheless, another fifteen points from Slytherin."
"But, but-"
"No buts!"
"Ha, 'butts'."
"Please get your mind out of the gutter, Sirius."
"Want to snog?"
...
"Who said that?"
"It wasn't me!"
"Peter, nobody suspects you. But maybe Sirius here."
"Guys?"
"Yeah?"
"You have to see this."
"What? Your cow's lick again? I tell you, you never have one, as insistent as you go."
"What's James doing anyway? He's awfully quiet."
"Are you crying, mate?"
"It's the effect of dust particles floating around the rather cramped space, Evan."
"Under your large nose, maybe."
"Shut it, Black."
"SHH!"
"What?" "Yeah?" "What is it?"
"It's them!"
"Them who-OUCH!"
"Lily and James, Wormy."
...
"No, seriously, are you actually crying?"
"Finally, they've kissed!"
"...Merlin's saggy balls."
"Did McGonagall just swear?"
"You dirty professor, you. Might make an example out of you yet!"
"Sirius!"
"Okay, okay."
"Wait, what was that about McGonagall swearing?"
"Finally! Thought you'd be preoccupied with Evans for a very, very long time."
"What do you mean, Black?"
"Just the fact that you and my best mate were snogging. Guess this means I'll actually be the best man, eh? Not just nights of laying in bed, listening to Prongs' endless drones of wedding plans?"
"I think I will gag."
"Go ahead. We don't care."
"Why did you say that, Padfoot? It was highly confidential!"
"Right. Right."
"Everybody, shush! Filch is coming!"
The closet door opened, spilling seven people from the dark depths onto a surprised Argus Filch. Mass confusion occurred, including trying to separate the entangled limbs. Remus' fingers were squished by Sirius' butt, whose owner was flattened by an embracing Lily and James. Professor McGonagall straightened her tartan robes, still shaken by the events in the claustrophonic area.
Meanwhile, the two Slytherins ran off to become hermits and separate themselves from both the Muggle and wizarding world. Therefore, they didn't become Death Eaters. A hiding Snape would not have heard the Prophecy, and the Fidelius Charm would not have been cast because Voldemort was living happily in 'invincibility'. The Prophecy would not be true or given in the first place because Voldemort never knew about it, nor marked Harry Potter as his equal. Pettigrew would still be living as a double spy. Remus would be kicked out of every company and would still be unemployed to his death day. Sirius would ignore girls still and try every day to remove the stupid portrait of his dear mother. Lily would give birth to Harry Potter, and then an unnamed girl because J.K. Rowling never gave us the name of her. James would not fight to the death, and both he and his wife would happily live in Godric's Hollow and maybe defy Voldemort a few more times. A very strange future indeed.
Underneath the bodies, Filch was unconscious, partly because of the sheer weight and party because his cat had committed suicide by running through a nearby classroom wall, replacing the never-going-to-happen Snape-shaped hole with a Norris-florrised one. Go figure.
By the time everything was settle down, everybody went their way. They would never truly forget the incident, however, and laughed about it over the Christmas holidays.
Ginny Something-or-other was never found and arrested.
James asked Lily to be his girlfriend, and later proposed to her.
Lily said yes both times.
Remus became bankrupt after his parents' deaths and moved in with Sirius.
Sirius got big muscles trying to throw away Walburga Black's portrait. It made the girls scream for him more.
Peter was still living as a double spy.
McGonagall shared it with the staff, who all rejoiced and exchanged gambling Galleons. Dumbledore got the most money.
Snape was still crying.
Both Snape and Rosier lived their whole lives in a cave in northern France, and were peacefully killed in their sleep by a giant's foot.
Filch resigned, and stopped trying to learn magic.
Mrs. Norris never got a funeral. Nobody cared about her anyway.