Shellshocked.
Summary: After several nights of hearing Sam crying out, and often falling out of bed with a bump, Bumblebee is relieved when Sam comes down and gives the explanation Bee expected. Because having gone through a similar situation himself, Bumblebee thinks he can help Sam.
Rating: T due to subject matter.
Continuity: Bay Movieverse.
Disclaimer: All official characters from the Transformers universe belong to Hasbro and Dreamworks/Paramount. No profit is made from their use, and there is no intent to infringe copyright.
Timeline: Several weeks after the end of the first Bayverse movie.
A/N: Possible trigger warning: Battle and PTSD. If I mess this up, my apologies.
Shellshocked.
It was about 2 in the morning when Bumblebee heard Sam cry out.
He refocused his attention on Sam's window, wishing he could intervene, but aware that if Sam's problem was what he suspected, it was better to give Sam space, wait for Sam to come to him. If the situation hadn't changed in an orn, Bumblebee decided he'd initiate a conversation about Sam's night-time disturbances, but until then, it was best to wait.
There was another yell and a thud similar to one that had occurred two nights ago. Bumblebee had analysed the sounds and worked out that the thud was caused by something or someone weighing between a hundred and thirty five and a hundred and fifty pounds falling onto the floor from a standing position. As Sam was the only person in his room and the only thing in his room of that weight...well, as the humans sometimes said, if something looks like a duck, moves like a duck, and sounds like a duck, it is just a duck. No point in looking for complicated possibilities when the simplest was likely to suffice.
As if on cue, a muttered cuss word, loud enough that only 'Bee was likely to have heard, was followed by the words 'twisted bed sheets', and then the sound of footsteps, before Sam's window lit up as he switched on his bedroom light. 'Bee's sensitive hearing picked up the sounds of Sam's swift and heavy breathing, which gradually slowed and shallowed as the teen calmed down.
Then Sam got up, and 'Bee heard and saw the window open, and then the silhouette of Sam's head and shoulders as the teen stuck his head out of the window and whispered "'Bee? You awake, buddy?"
Bumblebee flickered his headlights briefly on and off in reply, opening his passenger seat door in quiet invitation. Sam smiled in relief, and disappeared from the window, closing it. A moment later his bedroom light went off, and Bumblebee could hear Sam pad down the stairs in his bare feet. There was a little clink, like keys being put in a pocket, and then Sam opened the front door and slipped out, closing the door behind him soundlessly.
He quickly closed the distance between his parent's front door and 'Bee's passenger side, slipping in and putting his slightly damp feet in the footwell, on the slightly rough carpet that comprised most floor mats in cars, and Bumblebee closed the door. With the door closed, the scent of Sam's sweat was more apparent, and Bumblebee didn't need to be a medic to know that the sweat, combined with Sam's still-slowing heartbeat, earlier swift breathing, and Sam's dilated pupils were a sign of a sudden and stressful awakening.
"Are you okay Sam?" Bumblebee asked, materialising his holoform, which looked a bit like a combination of Sam himself, his best friend Miles, and Mikaela. Sam had earlier proclaimed this new holoform as an improvement on 'Bee's earlier Moustache Man holoform, which appeared to be a basic image that pretty much all of the 'bots (and the 'cons too) had adopted for their holoforms when they first made Earthfall. Sam preferred 'Bee to have his holoform activated if they were talking, in case someone walked in on them. Sam had no desire to be caught speaking to his car, particularly as his great-grandfather had been misdiagnosed with mental illness after his inadvertent discovery of Megatron under the ice at the North Pole. People already thought Sam was odd, and he didn't want anyone to speculate that the Witwicky insanity had bypassed two generations only to come out in Sam himself.
Pretty much all the 'bots had altered or completely changed their holoforms since landing, in fact Ratchet had two he could use simultaneously, no little feat, (and one that Bumblebee envied the medic for) but 'Bee didn't know (or particularly care) what Starscream, Barricade, or any other Decepticons that had landed had or had not done to theirs. The fact that none had been seen since being thrashed at Mission City was enough for 'Bee, and if he never saw any of them again it would be too soon. Unfortunately, Bumblebee knew that as long as the Decepticons were alive, they would likely turn up again to be a nuisance to the humans and the Autobots, and likely at the worst possible time.
"Not really," Sam said in reply to Bumblebee's question, leaning back against the leather upholstery with a groan. Bumblebee wanted to ask why not, but held off. Ratchet had told him that if this happened to let Sam proceed at his own pace and not to rush him. The Autobot medic obviously had a pretty good grasp and understanding of the human psyche, because Sam did start explaining without prompting. "Bad dreams," he continued, paused again, and then continued "about Mission City."
A-ha.
Bumblebee took the opening given, and said "Revisiting the battle in your dreams?"
Sam merely nodded, but Bumblebee noticed that Sam looked relieved to have finally voiced the issue.
"Mind if I drive somewhere like the Lookout, for a bit more privacy? Or I can just drive about if you want. Multitasking doesn't distract us as it does humans, as we have clusters of processors, and can isolate them. I can drive and talk and listen with no lack of attention to any function."
"Cool, sure," Sam said, now used to the differences between humans and Cybertronians. "Hold on, better leave my parents a note, in case one or both of them wakes up and finds me gone. Mum tends to sneak down to the fridge if she wakes in the night." He paused. "So does Dad, but Mum doesn't know that. She thinks it's me, and I'm not about to tell her any different. Yet."
Sam went inside using the keys Bumblebee had heard him slip into his PJ pockets, and went upstairs, emerging ten minutes later in his day time clothes of t-shirt, Jeans and hooded top.
"You will blackmail your male parental unit?" Bumblebee asked Sam, mildly shocked at his friend's sneaky side. He closed the door, engaged the stealth mode his first Camaro alt had not permitted him to engage, and silently pulled out of the Witwicky drive, using his sensors to check the road so they could get well away from Sam's house before engaging his headlights.
"Not exactly blackmail as such, but I think he'll do me a favour if I do him one. "What would Jesus do?" will only work once or twice, so I gotta have something in reserve, just in case," he said idly. "Anyway, she's bound to find out sometime without me breathing a word, so it's got a limited life span anyway. And Dad's pretty easygoing, so I haven't had a big enough reason to use it. It's just nice knowing it's an option."
They were on the road, so Bumblebee found a station playing the sort of music Sam liked, because despite the light tone of his banter, Bumblebee could tell that Sam was still tense, and 'Bee wanted him to relax a bit.
"So, my dreams," Sam said after a few minutes during which neither of them spoke. "Yeah, mostly I'm revisiting the battle, and not much changes, but sometimes it differs. Sometimes the battle's in a different place, or people who were there aren't, and others who weren't are. Other times things change. In one, I hesitated, and Megatron went to kill me, and in another, the AllSpark explosion was much bigger, and in the dream, even though I didn't die, the rest of the world did."
Bumblebee took a microsecond to mentally call Ironhide – who had once stated within Sam's hearing that the explosion that killed Megatron could have wiped out all life on Earth – as many rude names as he knew in the thirty-seven non-human languages that he knew. Then he set out to reassure Sam.
"That's your mind, mixing fact with conjecture, fantasy and 'what ifs' to explore other options that might have happened, safely. If you saw the fight in Tranquility, or with your parents around, it was a dream incorporating all your nightmare scenarios, including all your friends and family being in danger. Ratchet said the human mind is so inquisitive that sometimes the mind will come up with a different outcome, and that he wonders how many human inventions and discoveries of theories and scientific laws originated from their inventor's and discoverer's dreams. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm guessing that the worst, or at least the most frequent, are the ones where very little changes."
"Yeah," Sam whispered, looking down at where his hands were intertwined in his lap.
"I know I was there for part of it, at least, and I know I'm asking a lot, but do you want to tell me, in detail, what usually happens in the dreams?" Bumblebee asked quietly, hoping Sam wanted to talk.
"I guess so?" Sam said, sounding more uncertain than Bumblebee had ever heard him, He was about to tell him that he didn't have to when Sam launched into a tense and fast explanation, talking quickly so he could get it over with.
"In the dream, it usually starts with seeing that bad cop car, or you getting bombed by that Starscream guy. I'm given the AllSpark by Captain Lennox, or in one case Miles, or Mikaela, or Simmons, or SecDef Keller, or my mother, in some versions, and I'm off and running," he said. "I'm being attacked, and in the dream it feels like I'm being attacked by more than I was in real life, and Ratchet and Ironhide are defending me. I drop the AllSpark and everything mechanical around, me, including the Autobots, seems to get nasty and have it in for me." He paused, seeming embarrassed to admit it. Bumblebee was about to try and explain why this was but stopped when Sam continued to talk.
"I got to the building and I'm running up it, and Megatron's blasting up through the building behind me, and then I'm on the roof, setting off the flare I was given, though in the dream I don't recall receiving it," he said.
"Because the fact you have it is more relevant than how you got it," Bumblebee interjected. Sam nodded his thanks, reminding Bumblebee oddly of Captain Lennox, before continuing his narrative.
"As I'm running, the helicopter comes up by the building, and most times it's the same, but once or twice it's been different, that I hand over the AllSpark or get on the helicopter, but only one time did we get away before Starscream launched his missile. Usually things play out as they actually did, with Megatron cornering me on the roof, me clinging to the sculpture, him swinging for me..." Sam paused, covering his face with his hands, and Bumblebee tentatively activated a pressor beam to give an impression of weight as he laid his holoform's hand on Sam's shoulder.
"How do you do that?" Sam asked, looking up, and sensing that Sam needed a break, Bumblebee launched into a detailed layman's explanation of the pressor beam, which was basically a tractor beam in reverse. "It's one of the ways parts of our holoforms, if needed, can seem solid," Bumblebee finished.
"Handy," Sam remarked with a shaky smile, then without warning, continued talking.
"The fall often seems longer than I recall, but I remember being caught by Optimus the times I don't wake up sooner," Sam said, and Bumblebee nodded his holoform's head, having heard how humans would often wake during dreams of falling due to a finely tuned survival instinct that still operated when unconscious, one of the reasons their species had survived and evolved into what it was today. "If I dream beyond the fall and being caught by Optimus, the dream carries on like the battle did. Optimus puts me down, I hide in the trenches in the road, Optimus and Megatron face off. Megatron shoots Optimus, he gets up again, Megatron threatens me, and I either run with the AllSpark in my hands, or occasionally I throw it. Either way, it usually ends up in Megatron's chest. Not always, but usually. It blows up, mostly I and everyone else survives, in some versions, even Jazz is still with us." Sam stopped speaking, and Bumblebee didn't speak either, because he himself was dealing with the painful reality of Jazz's absence from their ranks.
"Anyway, I usually wake then, or not long after," Sam said. "Even if it's not abruptly cut off, or if the world doesn't become dead from the explosion, or end up spawning a whole new race of Earth-built new Decepticons, I wake, and it's not usually a gentle awakening either. Pretty crazy, right?" he ended.
"Not really, Sam," Bumblebee said. "Battle, even if you win, is pretty traumatic. Can you identify an issue that bothers you most, even if it happened in just one dream?"
"Happens in all but a couple," Sam said bleakly. "I kill Megatron. He dies at my hand. In some dreams it's not just him, but in many dreams, as well as in reality, I killed Megatron. A life was ended, by me. I killed another living, sentient, intelligent being. Me. Miles said once I wouldn't hurt a fly, but I guess he was wrong. God, he was so, so wrong!" With that, Sam buried his head in his hands and began weeping. "Why, Bee?" he cried. "When did I become a killer?"
"When you had to kill, or die," Bumblebee said quietly. "It doesn't make you a future killer in that moment, or a danger to society, Sam. I think many people have it in them to kill to save their own life, or the life of someone they care for, and when you pushed the AllSpark into Megatron's chest, you didn't just save your own life. With that action, you saved your life, and those of Mikaela, Miles, your parents, me, Optimus, all the Autobots and all humans present and yet to come, because Megatron would have never let any humans or Autobots live if he had taken over, unless something about allowing them to live had entertained him in some way."
"So why do I feel so bad? If I'm a liberator, a hero, even if few know, why do I feel so awful? Why do I dream about it?" Sam asked, "In the movies, the heroes and superheroes don't go through this. The good guys are good, they know they did good, they kill the bad guys, get the girl, save the world, and they carry on with their lives unimpeded," he said. "So why don't I?" He paused. "I killed the bad guy, saved the world, got the girl, but then I have all these dreams and guilt to deal with, which never happens in the movies. Why, Bee, I've never felt this bad before. This isn't me, and never has been, till now. I had ideas how I'd deal with situations like this as portrayed in the movies, but this is different. I never foresaw the guilt, the pain, the doubt I feel now. Why am I feeling this way?"
"Because, Sam, this isn't the movies, this is the real world, where your emotions do interfere with your reactions. You've been brought up with rules Sam, rules that state you don't kill, that if you have to fight, that you fight fair, that the bad guy will sit back and explain his reasoning, giving you time to figure out a way to get rid of him that abrogates your pre-implanted moral code as little as possible. Your troops in combat roles have this problem too, but they have the one advantage of knowing for weeks or months in advance that they will see terrible things and may have to do things that are terrible, that abrogate their own moral codes, often instilled at their Creator's knee. You were thrown into a full on battle for not just your life but that of your species with very little preparation, Sam. If you were not having problems, I would be very concerned at your mental stability right now."
"What do you mean?" Sam asked warily.
"Sam, I think you may be suffering from some version of what you humans call Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, or PTSD for short," Bumblebee explained. "It has been noticed in people who have fought in the conflicts known as the Gulf Wars, the war against terror, in Iraq and Afghanistan. Some people who have fought in the Vietnam War and in the Second World War have exhibited symptoms that would now be recognised as PTSD, and some of those symptoms have everything to do with having to act in a way that is opposite to the belief system or moral code you were brought up with. Other symptoms have everything to do with your personal experiences, what you experienced or what you've seen, that is contrary to your upbringing, or your belief system, or is beyond what one mind can cope with. Conflict can bring out either the worst in people or the best in people, and sometimes even seeing it can cause issues, Sam, and you have been directly affected. Due to what you have seen, and what you have found yourself having to do, in a no-win situation, where you have to go against your beliefs and teachings, or die."
"How do you know about all this, Bee?" Sam asked, and now his tone was tinged with suspicion. "Did Ratchet put you up to this? Am I just another weak human who needs to be protected from the consequences of battle?"
Sam was by now fumbling with his seat belt, but Bumblebee was not letting him go, especially not while they were hitting the speed limit on the freeway, and especially not now that Sam had hit a particularly sore nerve for Bumblebee.
"You think you are the only person to go through this Sam? That humans have a monopoly on guilt? You forget that I have lived for far longer than your species has even existed. By Cybertronian standards, I am at a similar stage at my life as you, not quite a child but not quite an adult. We are both more similar than you think, in that combat made us both grow up faster than we ought to have. Your battle was called the Battle of Mission City. Mine was the battle for Tygar Pax."
Sam was silent for a second, not fighting to release his seatbelt any more, and then said "I guess I should have guessed that you've been in battle, before Mission City, I mean, but as you said, you're the same equivalent age as me, I just kind of forgot the equivalent bit. Sorry, 'Bee. Wanna talk about it?"
To Bumblebee's surprise, he found that he did.
"In the latter days of the war, when none of us thought it would last longer than a couple of vorns, Optimus Prime had a plan to draw Megatron and his Decepticon forces away from the AllSpark. None of us realised that in his brief contact with the AllSpark, one we think flipped him into insanity, that Megatron had forged a connection with it that made him able to locate it wherever it was hidden."
"So what happened? Or can't you say?" Sam asked, and Bumblebee had to admit that humans had an immense propensity to be blunt but gentle too.
"Megatron happened," Bumblebee said. "Optimus massed most of his forces by a divided ravine in the Simfur Plains, once known as the Bi-Simfur Valley, but called by then just the Simfur Valley. He hoped that Megatron would assume that we had hidden it there, where he could defend it with many troops. However, he also, in great secrecy, sent I and five others to Tygar Pax, a small and little-known valley in what you humans might have called 'the back of beyond', where he had hidden the All Spark months earlier. To my knowledge, none of us knew the AllSpark was there until I found it by accident. I kept that information to myself, despite certain consequences, knowing more death would follow if I told."
"Consequences?" Sam asked, knowing that just as he had five minutes earlier, Bumblebee was doing the equivalent of baring his soul to him.
"Megatron found Tygar Pax, and us, due to his connection to the AllSpark. He captured us, and left three mechs he had with him to question us. We managed to overpower them, with some help from Creator Cybertron, but not before one killed one of us by...ripping their Spark from them..." Bumblebee's account tailed off, and Sam felt that whatever wasn't said should probably remain so, till 'Bee saw a specialist, which would probably be Ratchet, until 'Bee spoke again.
"We pursued him, and I managed to distract him, by talking, from realising the AllSpark was in it's huge form, and was one of the walls beside us, till it was launched by the rocket propelled launcher it was fixed in until it had launched. Megatron took off in pursuit, but before he left..." Bumblebee lapsed into silence for a bit, but just as Sam thought he was going to say no more, he continued.
"He took off, but ripped...my...vocal processor...out from my throat. He intended...that I never spoke again..."
"But you defied him, because you are speaking again," Sam said.
"With a lot of help from Ratchet, and I still sometimes need to play sound bytes," Bumblebee said. However, his tone seemed less despondent, and Sam hoped that Bumblebee talking about his own experience had helped his friend.
"Yeah, but you are talking, and more now then you did when we first met. Yeah, you still play music and sound bytes, but I get the impression that often they convey your emotions or feelings or get your point across. Even we humans deliberately imitate movie stars sometimes, when using a famous quote or something."
"Thanks, Sam, but to answer your last question, no, Ratchet didn't put me up to this, but after hearing you cry out a few times, and with my suspicions that it was the stress of fighting at Mission City, I did choose to consult Ratchet for advice on what to do, if anything. I didn't want to try intervening and maybe making it worse. He does say the dreams won't completely go, in fact having re-awoken painful memories, they may briefly get worse, or you may even get flashbacks while awake, but talking about your feelings is definitely better than hiding or repressing them. One thing I can tell you, Sam, is that if you ever need to kill again, you'll always remember the first one, even if it's not someone notable, notorious or particularly memorable anyway."
"I hope never to need to kill again," Sam whispered. "Megatron was bad enough. Okay, maybe he was a sadistic, despotic insane tyrant with bad intentions for the whole of humanity, but I still feel bad about having taken a life."
"In all likelihood, Sam, you won't have to kill again, because you were not and are not a soldier. However, even human soldiers probably remember the first time they had to kill someone, even if they were later responsible for killing others. I know it's true of me."
Sam was briefly consumed by a flame of curiosity over who Bumblebee had first killed, and for what reason, but squashed it a second later. He knew that even if someone asked him years later, it wouldn't be a question he would be happy to answer, and he wasn't about to ask it of Bumblebee. Instead he said "Captain Lennox would disagree. In Mission City, he said I was. His exact words were "You're a soldier now.""
"He meant just that, Sam, at that time. Then, you were a soldier. You were in a battle and had a responsibility, so his meaning at the time was that at that point – you were a soldier. Once the battle was over, you were no longer a soldier. He knew that, which was why he said "You're a soldier now", not just "You're a soldier." He used 'now' to indicate the temporary nature of your soldier role."
"I guess so," Sam said. "So what happens if there's another Decepticon attack?"
"Hopefully, Sam, you won't be anywhere near, so won't have to be involved. You won't be dragged into a conflict unless there is great need of your services, which I don't see as being very likely. The Military prefer to get in other military personnel, and if they need a civilian, they'll likely pick an adult. Okay, they might request you because you've already made a promise not to talk about us to outsiders, but I think that possibility is very slim indeed. Unfortunately, though, there is a possibility that you may be involved if an attack takes place while you are in the area, and yes, in that case, you may have to be a soldier again, in that circumstance. With any luck and a good bit of judgement, you'll not ever be in that position again, but I have to be honest with you Sam, and tell you that it cannot be ruled out. It is possible that the circumstances that require you to be a soldier may occur in the near of far future. We can only hope that they do not."
"Let's hope not," Sam sighed, following up the sigh with a jaw-cracking yawn. "Thanks, Bee, I think you're right, I did need to talk about it. Things are a bit clearer now in my head. And now I know you have some idea of how I feel, I guess it helps to know that you understand."
That's okay, Sam," Bumblebee said. "That's what friends are for, right?"
"I guess," Sam said, yawning again. "I'm exhausted, 'Bee, any chance of heading home? I should try and get some sleep."
"Sure, Sam," Bumblebee said, turning himself around and heading back towards the Witwicky house. "But if you do wake again tonight, Sam, or any other night for that matter, and need to talk, feel free to come out. I'll talk to you or listen to you, take you out for a drive, or whatever you need."
"Thanks, Bee," Sam said, patting the steering wheel like he might pat Miles' shoulder. "That means a lot."
Sam did not wake again that night, and if he dreamed he didn't remember it. Sam was very glad of the rest, short-lived as it may be. He was not fool enough to believe that that was the end of the dreams, or to think that he'd never have the dreams again. In fact, he wondered if Ratchet might know anything else that might help, because he suspected the nightmares and guilt and bad feelings would be back, very soon.
However, knowing his friend Bumblebee would be there to talk to if needed when he woke did help.