Life's Untold Mysteries
Harry ran through the barrier quickly.
"Come on, Ron!" he said urgently. "I'm not going to be late for my final ride on the train!"
Ron wheezed as he dragged his trunk along the ground, getting strange looks from fat men in suits. "I'm sorry, mate. But this trunk is so bloody heavy!"
Harry sighed in exasperation. "Ron. Have you gone mad? Are you a wizard or not?"
Ron blinked, and then grinned sheepishly. "Oh, yeah. Sorry. Wingardium Leviosa!"
The trunk floated complacently behind the two sprinting boys. After all, it was but a trunk. It had no hurry to get anywhere.
Harry and Ron quickly jumped on the back of the train. They stood there panting for a while (What? It had been a year since they defeated Voldemort. They were out of shape.).
They then took a compartment from some first years who blacked out when they saw Harry. Harry had a Chocolate Frog in his pocket. Life was excellent.
Harry and Ron chatted a bit about Quidditch. And then digressed on the wonders of the Chudley Cannons. They had a very good fight. And then they were bored.
Where was Hermione, they wondered. The Golden Trio wasn't complete without her, as conversation rather came to a standstill after forty minutes of discussing one Quidditch tactic.
Harry and Ron decided to go find her. They traveled through compartment after compartment, and were attacked by fan after fan. Somehow, Harry lost his pants, but kept his trousers.
It was one of the mysterious miracles of life, and they pondered it for a short while before moving on to the next room.
In that small compartment, sat the wonder that would affect the rest of Harry's life.
He waxed poetic on the way sunlight filtered through the window cast an ethereal hue on her pearly and luscious skin (i.e., Ginny looks hot today).
And thus, Harry was lost to the cause. So Ron, disconsolate and rather grossed out, carried on with the search for his true love.
He had gone through every bloody compartment in the fucking train. Where in the seven hells was Hermione? Mayhaps she had missed the train. Maybe she got run over by a stray Grim. What if –her parents had sent her to Muggle upper school because they thought the Wizarding world was too dangerous?
Ron thought he might pass out. Because men don't faint. So he went to the nearest gentlemen's restroom to restore himself (he had stolen some of his mum's smelling salts and put them in his pocket).
But, there were rather strange noises coming from inside that particular loo. He heard moaning and the sound of –Malfoy's voice!
Malfoy was torturing someone in the washroom! Ron always knew he was evil, and now he could prove it, and become a hero, and all that rot.
He burst through the door with wand blazing, and cried triumphantly, "Malfoy! Your days as an evil-doer are… (gasp) at an end…"
When he had come in, Ron had expected to see a pitiful First Year screaming in pain as Malfoy laughed cruelly and cast a 'Crucio' on the poor soul. Or perhaps a small woodland animal had found it's way on the train, and Malfoy was mercilessly using it for some horrible sacrificial ritual to restore his family's honor.
He had not expected to see Malfoy shielding some half-dressed girl from an intruder (him). He did not expect that girl to squeak his name in surprise. He did not expect, when he leaned to get a better look at her, that the girl was Hermione.
He also did not expect Malfoy to murmur, "I told you we should've done this in the girl's room. Much more private."
He did not expect to faint after seeing all of these horrible things.
After all, men didn't faint.
A/N: Written for the challenge –Write a better epilogue to Harry Potter. Of course it had to be a Dramione. :)