Exhale.
Lily forced herself to let out the breath she'd been holding as she stood at the shoulder of her former headmaster. She felt odd. There was something altogether off balance with this reality, standing next to the man she was slightly in awe of. The man who could bring such presence into a room, that it demanded to be respected. Now, they stood somehow as equals. No longer professor and pupil, but as two adults.
They continued to stand on the stoop of an old row house that was so eerie, so absolutely captivating; radiating old money and regality of days old, that she couldn't help but wonder if this was all a mistake. She wondered if having had watched this No. 12 Grimmauld Place squeeze itself out of the perfectly lined houses of this white picket neighborhood should have clued her in to the unnaturalness of her presence here.
The eighteen year old girl, no woman, stood next to Albus Dumbledore decidedly straightening her shoulders. It was far too late to turn her back now. She couldn't do it again. Lily had accepted the professor's offer knowing full well what it would mean.
She would be lying if she said she hadn't been surprised when Professor Dumbledore himself came to her during one of her shifts at St. Mungo's asking if they could meet at a pub just down the lane. She of course agreed, and after her shift was through in the Emergency Maladies department, she found herself tucked into a booth, looking into the tired eyes that were covered by half-moon spectacles.
"We need your help Lily," was all the older man had to tell her before the walls around her heart started to chink.
Lily could feel her heart beating in her throat. "Is it J-?"
"No," Dumbledore calmed her fears immediately. "It's all of us. We're fighting a war now. I'm sure you've seen your numbers in the Emergency Department triple in the last few months," Dumbledore told her knowingly, and Lily found heavy guilt settling in the pit of her stomach.
The redhead just nodded and discretely flicked away the tear forming at the corner of her left eye. After a steadying breath Lily looked at the man across from her. Dumbledore's gaze held no anger; no disappointment; only a sadness Lily could not put a name to.
"Ms. Evans, know that I am most regretful to bring you into this. Into a war that is fought over old prejudices, targeting magical people just like yourself, but we need your help-,"
"You have it. What can I do?" The words tumbled from Lily's lips hastily, as if they had been sitting there for years, waiting to burst out.
The young woman saw the sad smile that pulled up at Dumbledore's mouth. The aged man looked at her with such pride, as if he'd known her answer all the while. "Now Ms. Evans, I know that you are a brave woman. From your time at Hogwarts I have seen you be strong and passionate; standing up to both friend and foe when it was called for. You have always been a bright and intelligent student with particular aptitude for Potions, and now with your training as a Healer, you would be a most valuable asset to our efforts."
Lily sat up taller in her seat, knowing that she was being called upon. She had been waiting for this day to come. She thought she would be frightened. Feel unprepared for such a task. But oddly enough energy hummed through her body. At that moment fear was a foreign word to her brain.
"I will do whatever I can," she promised.
"Thank you," Dumbledore told her simply, but the depth of his gratitude was palpable.
The young woman and the man regarded each other for a moment before Dumbledore spoke again, "Lily, are you familiar with The Order of the Phoenix?"
...
"Are you ready?" Dumbledore asked the obviously tense redhead next to him. Lily startled, before pulling herself back to the front step of Grimmauld Place.
She gave out a nervous chuckle before answering, "Of course. I'm sorry. It's just...it's been over a year since I've seen...anyone from Hogwarts." Lily admitted as she willed herself to remain calm.
"Yes, I'm sure your program has kept you very busy with training," The silvery haired man told her, giving her a gentle smile. "But the Order meeting is just about to end, and punctuality is a virtue I try to practice."
"Yes, Professor," Lily agreed, whipping her long fiery hair behind her shoulders and smiling back. It was time.
"Shall we?" offered the older man, as he retrieved his thin wand from his long purple robes, and muttering a spell Lily did not recognize the door swung open.
Lily followed Dumbledore into the dark front hall. The only light in the dim corridor coming from the edges of a door at the far end of the hall. Behind that door was the sound of many voices, and they all sounded angry. Were they arguing about her?
Trepidation poured itself over Lily's practiced resolve. It really had been a mistake. She didn't belong here. She was about to ask Dumbledore if should she leave when the door flung open flooding the corridor with light. Lily blinked her green eyes against the brightness as the the noise from the illuminated room further filled the corridor.
Both Dumbledore and Lily halted their journey toward the room, needing a moment to reorient themselves. As Lily's eyes adjusted to the harsh light, a voice she would have recognized anywhere spoke, "How could you do it Professor? How could you bring her into-?"
Lily and Severus realized the other's presence at the same moment. Her former friend's dark coal eyes bore into her. He stared down at the girl in shock. His angular face half hidden behind his still long black hair. His head shaking, denying what he was seeing.
The redhead was absolutely speechless. She hadn't spoken to Severus in over a year, yet the betrayal still felt like a fresh sting across the face.
"Severus, you shouldn't be here," Dumbledore told the younger man patiently, as he stepped slightly in front of the girl that had captured the young man's attention.
Lily watched as Severus pulled his gaze away from her's and met their former headmaster's strong stare. "She doesn't belong here," the former Slytherin boy finally hissed out, betrayal coloring his words. The back of the young man's hand coming up to wipe away some blood that was dripping from his freshly swollen lip.
Lily could feel her heart pounding. What had just taken place behind that door?
With one final searing look at the green eyed girl, Severus turned on his heels and stalked out of the house. Slamming the front door shut, the reverberating thwack announced his exit.
"Professor?" Lily asked, surprised at how her voice was shaking. "How does Severus know about this place? We both know he's a Deatheater." Lily had taken on the impossible task to tell Dumbledore about Sev's new tattoo back in sixth year.
Dumbledore placed a calming hand on Lily's shoulder and said, "Let me worry about Severus Snape. We have an Order meeting to attend," and with those not very comforting words Dumbledore led the redhead through the open door at the end of the corridor and into the pandemonium that was the current Order of the Phoenix meeting.
...
Lily entered a large bright kitchen that was filled with familiar faces. Faces she'd been keenly avoiding for over a year now.
The newly married Alice and Frank Longbottom were talking with Edgar Bones and Elphias Dodge in hushed tones and intrigued faces at the long kitchen table. Lily's best friend Marlene Mckinnon was was standing and talking to her old dorm mates Emmeline Vance and Dorcas Meadowes. Marlene was twirling a piece of her glossy dark hair, like she always used to when she was nervous. The Prewitt brother's were on edge. She could tell by their tense posture, as they spoke in a huddled circle with the Marauder's.
Lily's heart jumped as her emerald green eyes scanned automatically for one particularly messy head of dark hair, but he wasn't in the kitchen. The redhead couldn't decide if she was disappointed or relieved.
No one noticed the newcomers. What had just occurred to cause such a stir?
"Ahem," Lily heard Dumbledore clear his throat, and was surprised to watch the room go immediately silent. All eyes turning towards the pair. Lily felt her cheeks flame as surprised eyes fixed themselves on her. The eyes all holding a secret Lily was not privy to.
"It seems that much has happened in my absence. Without ignoring the past, I would like to turn our attention to the future. Most of you know Lily Evans from your time at Hogwarts. What you may not know is that Lily has spent the last year being trained as a Healer at St. Mungo's, coming out top in her class. She has agreed to join our cause. Bringing with her not only valuable life saving skills, but also a kind and hopeful heart."
Lily looked around at the room as Dumbledore said his too kind words. She noticed how exhausted her old friends looked. How harrowed they seemed. These friends she'd avoided for a year. Lily thought she might be sick with herself. She could've been here, fighting alongside them.
She stood there silently ready to take it. Take the accusations of betrayal. Words like selfish and cowardly, to be thrown at her, as she well deserved. Marlene McKinnon broke through the crowd first. All Lily could think about was how she hadn't answered her last letter from three months ago. Lily watched her beautiful friend approach her with an expression the redhead couldn't read.
Lily had just opened her mouth to apologize for coming when Marlene threw her arms around Lily's neck and pulled her into a bone crushing hug.
"Oh, Lovey I'm so glad you're here!" Marlene cried into her shorter friends shoulder, and Lily felt all the tension leave her body. Lily hugged back, letting the tears that were leaking out of her green eyes flow free. The tension in the room seemed to break in that moment, as the happy chatter started to erupt in the bright kitchen.
Marlene pulled back, holding the redhead at arms length. "How did you grow up so much in one year?" Lily laughed at her friend. Lily had been wondering the same thing about Marlene. Everyone really. They all seemed years older than the one year that had past since she'd seen them all last. But war could do that.
There was a squeal as Emmeline and Alice came running towards the girls. They all embraced giggling and crying as the four former dormmates reunited once again. Lily was pulled into surprising stories of Alice and Frank's first year of marriage. Soon butterbeer and firewhiskey were being pulled out and poured. This was a celebration. This was a homecoming. Lily had never felt such overwhelming grace before that she found herself swept up into the mirth.
Her cheeks hurt from smiling so happily. The Prewett brothers came and added to the stories of their little sister's go at being a housewife, and laughter swelled in the kitchen.
Peter was the first of the Marauder's to come and greet Lily. Happily telling her how much they'd missed her presence, and Lily knew he meant the Marauder's specifically. She'd become one of them by their seventh year. She'd missed them too.
"Lily, I heard about your success. I was not surprised at all," Remus greeted her a few minutes later, pulling her into a big hug.
"Hey Rem," she greeted him sadly, hugging him back fiercely. Both parties trying to express their affection for the other in the embrace.
"You've been sorely missed," Remus added, tucking a piece of his sandy blonde hair behind his ear. Lily ducked her gaze for a moment in shame before meeting his warm one once more. She had such particular affection for each one of the four boys. Remus was the first of the four to befriend her. Their love for knowledge and tendency to follow the rules bringing them together easily.
"How've you been holding up?" the redhead asked her old friend. Lily couldn't help but notice a few new scars that he had accrued over the time they'd spent away from each other. What had she missed in her absence?
Remus smiled kindly, "The boys always keep my spirits up," He told her simply, and Lily swelled with pride for the four boys. Their loyalty to each other was unparalleled.
"I'm sorry I was away for so long. Things were just so...complicated." Lily offered her friend, and Remus just gave her an understanding nod.
"I know Lils," Remus breathed out, before adding, "Why don't you go get yourself a drink?"
Lily looked up at him curiously before realizing that Sirius Black was currently serving the butterbeer. With an understanding smile, Lily let out a long sigh and headed to the handsome boy behind the counter.
"Hi Sirius," Lily greeted somberly, as she stood a few feet away from the tall athletic young man. She knew this meeting would be a mess. Lily was perfectly aware of the loyalty these boys shared with each other, and that loyalty had once extended to Lily.
The particular affection that Lily had for Sirius stemmed from a common truth that the two shared. They both had fiercely loved the same messy haired boy. James and Sirius were brothers, in the deepest sense of the word. And Lily and Sirius were allies in caring for that boy when his father had died back in sixth year. They knew when the other was needed to bring James out of a darkness that lingered about him after. But Lily had abandoned her post.
Lily stood ready to take what Sirius could throw at her, as he turned his handsome face to look at the temporary girl he'd once considered permanent. Sirius stood tall and lean, just like his best friend. His classically handsome features given a dangerous edge with the black hair he liked to keep long, and the stubble he kept on his cheeks. He crossed his arms over his chest and he sized her up.
"If it isn't the heartless harpy, that used to be our sweet Lily Evans," he told her raising an eyebrow at the girl in front of him. But his words lacked the sharpness that would have made the greeting sting.
Lily could only stand still for a moment longer before she launched herself into his familiar arms, and of course Sirius scooped her up tightly against him.
"Where have you been Lilykins?" Sirius asked against her red hair, the old nickname Lily used to hate acting as a soothing balm.
"Hiding," Lily answered truthfully, as Sirius set her back on her feet.
Sirius regarded her for a moment, a look of understanding passing over his features before replying, "You coming here has caused quite a stir at tonight's meeting." Sirius told her as he handed her a butterbeer.
Lily took a long drag on the orange liquid before answering with her own question, "Do you wish I wouldn't have come?" She stared down at her glass, swirling the drink in her hands.
"No," Sirius told her honestly, and Lily looked up to meet his grey-eyed gaze. "But many men have opinions about whether or not you should join The Order."
Lily felt all of her muscles tighten as the subject everyone had been avoiding finally came up. "Where is he Sirius?"
The question hung in the air between them.
Sirius' jaw ticked before answering, "He's not pleased that you're here."
"Yes, I'm sure he never wants to see me again," Lily agreed, the slight sound of bitterness adding a bite to her words.
But the handsome boy just gave an incredulous chuckle. "You two are impossible," Lily swore she heard Sirius mutter under his breath.
Lily's nerves were starting to wear thin over the anticipation. "Sirius," Lily prompted impatiently.
"Fine. Fine," Sirius conceded, rubbing the back of his neck. "He stalked out that door about ten minutes before you and Dumbledore got here," the boy explained pointing to the back door of the kitchen. Lily eyed the door over her shoulder, unsure if she was ready to walk through it. "Look do you want me to go with you?" Sirius offered, putting a reassuring hand on the girl's shoulder.
"No," Lily answered tensely, her green eyes still glued to the old wooden door. "This is something I have to do on my own."
...
Taking a second to strengthen her resolve Lily pushed through the back door of the warm kitchen. The chilly night air hitting her in the bones despite the knit sweater she was wearing. Merlin, she should just turn around. This encounter was not going to go well. Who was she kidding?
But Lily was here, at an Order of the Phoenix meeting, and she'd promised herself she would face everyone tonight.
It was a familiar sensation. One she knew so well from their years at school. The sensation of James Potter. Lily could still feel his presence before she could see him. The dark figure leaning against a stone wall that led to the back garden stood tall and proud. Like he always did. She would be forever familiar with the expanse of his strong shoulders. She'd memorized his frame long before she had need to.
As she moved closer to the man she once loved, Lily noticed the changes. His hair was a bit shorter, but still as messy as ever, and the redheaded girl's hand itched to run her fingers through it. To brush those smooth strands out of his eyes. To offer him some relief. Relief from the pain behind his eyes.
It was his hazel eyes that burned her; like the sparking end of the cigarette that was pursed between his perfect lips. The warm glow illuminated his face, casting long shadows around his eyes. Apparently James had picked back up his old habit.
Her hand unconsciously reached to lay over the ring that she wore on a chain tucked safely away under her sweater. As if she was somehow worried that he could see it. That he could feel it. As she got closer, she realized how much she missed the sight of him. The angles of his face had the same effect as drinking hot tea on a rainy day.
His eyes watched her keenly, as if taking in every movement. Calculating her steps. Studying her. His defined jaw flexing as he took another drag of the fag. They stood watching each other for a moment. Lily stopping a few feet away.
Finally, grabbing the lighted stick and holding it between his fingers, James spoke. "Alright, Evans?" he greeted her coldly, putting emphasis on her last name. Reminding Lily, that her last name was not his.