One Time Too Many
Detective David Starsky whistled softly as he drove down the road. He was beat. It had been a long, boring night as he and his partner had been working the graveyard shift staking out a district warehouse, just to note the comings and goings.
It'd been better if we could at least bust a few he sighed as he considered their orders. Just recording. Anything short of murder was simply to be photographed and written down.
As dawn broke, Starsky had dropped his partner, Hutchison, off at his own apartment. Now, he was heading home eagerly anticipating his own bed.
He startled as the radio squawked, "All units… respond immediately…hostage situation at Pee Wee's Daycare, corner of Lincoln and Market".
Damn, Hutch mustn't of shut off the damn thing… Now what? Starsky considered his options. He knew he was off duty without a partner, but the daycare was close by. His hesitancy was brief as the image of a toddler came to his mind.
Starsky reached over and grabbed the radio, "Dispatch, this is Detective Starsky, responding to your call, ETA 2 minutes"
He swerved the car and was racing soon onto the scene where another black and white vehicle had pulled up.
Starsky jumped out and ran towards the nearest guy, "Jenkins, what'd we got?'
Officer Jenkins was a young man, a year on the force. Tall and lanky, he peered over at the detective while still keeping his eye at the daycare. "We've got a real loony here. Seems to be the estranged husband of one of the daycare workers. He has her hostage. Let out the other workers and kids. They are over behind the next house out of the way. Gunman won't respond to contact yet, SWAT teams on the way, but I don't know…Another daycare worker said that he's really wired, seems ready to blow".
Starsky chewed on his cheek as he considered the information and looked around. The daycare was actually a converted older home. The front was prominent with two bay windows. The back of the house had a small playground with plastic slides and swings. Near to his right, one of the daycare workers, a frightened young woman was crying and speaking softy to Jenkins partner, Rutherford.
Starsky overheard her as he approached, "He said, he's gonna kill her at 9 am; 9 for nine years of misery that's what he yelled…oh my God, poor Susie.." as she sobbed.
Starsky quickly looked at Rutherford. They both grimaced. Couldn't wait for the SWAT team; it was ten minutes till nine now. The fact that he'd let the others go.. really meant this guy was going out and taking his wife with him.
"Ma'am, I'm Detective Starsky.. We're gonna do what's ever we can to keep Susie safe. We need to know though what's the layout? Where is he? Is there anyway to enter the house without him seeing us? "
"I….don't know. Let me, see, she sniffled under the barrage of questions. Her eyes puffy from the tears, she glanced fearfully at the house.
I think he's still in the front room. He was looking out the windows. The only way I know in is the front door. There's a back door to the playground, but he'd hear that. Its' a screen door and squeaks really loud".
Frustrated, Starsky ran his hand through his hair. Considering his next move, he jumped when the young woman exclaimed excitedly, "Wait, I forgot. There is another way. The side has a root cellar door. It leads into a basement", she paused hesitantly, "It might be locked though".
It was a gamble, but they didn't have the luxury of time or a better plan. Conferring briefly with Jenkins and Rutherford, Starsky quickly laid out his idea. The two officers argued with the detective about the risks, but Starsky cut them off. They didn't have time.
Dodging the line of sight from the front windows, Starsky soon found himself crouched near the cellar door. It was locked, but the wood was so rotted, it would give easily. With a final glance back to where the other officers were waiting.. Man, it feels so weird to not have Hutch as my back-up, he quietly broke the door off the hinges. Next, he peered down. He had never liked dark places.. especially basements since well… don't go there.he admonished himself as he refocused, just get in there and get the bad guy With a deep breath, he slid through the door into the dark basement.
A moment later his eyes were adjusting to the dark gloom as the only light came through the narrow cellar door. Starsky listened intensely. He could hear faint crying, but there weren't footsteps directly above him. Good, the perp must still be in the front room like she said
It wasn't a great plan, but he had no time; his sense of urgency building. A look at his watch indicated, 5 till nine. Starsky quickly climbed the stairs, pulled out his gun. The problem with relying on the element of surprise is that it could get them both killed. Carefully listening at the door, he silently turned the knob and pulled it open. Next, he let himself into the kitchen. So far, so good. Starsky took a moment to allow his eyes to adjust to the regular light. His heart was pounding heavily; he could feel the adrenaline pumping as always, but his attention was focused on the narrow hallway ahead.
"Will you shut up your damn beggin, it ain't going to make a difference now!" yelled the gunman to his hostage.
Starsky could hear the gunman pacing the room back and forth, going in and out of his line of sight from where he was waiting at the corner of the kitchen and hallway.
Come on, you bastard…get closer to the hallway…I gotta get a shot
Suddenly, a woman screamed, "No, Billy, No…Please…"
Starsky watched as the gunman seemed to level his gun at the unseen woman.
Damn, now or never Starsky ran down the hall shouting, "Police! Hold it there" as he pointed his gun towards the man.
Turning toward the noise, the gunman aimed at the detective, and their eyes met. In those eyes, Starsky saw death. Pale and cold. The fear rushed through him and his whole body froze. Captured by those eyes, unable to squeeze the trigger, he felt complete helplessness as the gunman smirked and shot… The sound of gunfire and the perception of the bullet whizzing by his face, broke the ice of terror and Starsky's finger finally pulled his own trigger. His aim was true and the body fell.
The woman ran up to Starsky, hugging him, "Oh god, Thank you. Thank you". Sobbing she continued to clutch him. He barely registered her grasp. His eyes focused on the bloodied body below with those eyes of death staring straight at him.
Chapter 2
The next couple of hours blurred by the detective. All too soon he found himself in front of his captain, Captain Dobey, who was reminding him forcefully about procedures.
"What's the matter with you? How long you been on the force? I don't care what the circumstances are! We don't go into hostage situations without back-up! Do I make myself clear!" bellowed Dobey.
Captain Dobey was a large, burly black man whose gruff exterior belied his fright at the risk that Starsky had taken. He cared for all of his men, but this detective and his partner held a special place for him. As such, he gave them slack from time to time, but now he feared that this was allowing them to become too risky. No, I got to nip this behavior. Now! he admonished himself. His hands on his desk, he continued his lecture, "Detective Starsky, per the procedures of this department. And we do remember procedures in this department, don't we? You are on 48 hours suspension with pay. Pending preliminary investigation of this shooting incident"
"Yes sir, " replied the detective woodenly as he stood in attention in front of his Captain's desk.
Dobey looked up at his man. Detective Starsky looked like hell. In addition to the lines of fatigue, his whole emotional response had been muted. Normally the detective would have tried to argue with a number of "but, Cap..", but none of this was forthcoming. He looked like a man with no reserves left.
Shaking his head, Dobey relented as he spoke emphatically, "Starsky, I know they are going to clear you about the shooting. I just want you to take some time and think about the risks. You can't be a good cop if you're a dead cop. Take the time and get your head back on. Hutch can finish up that warehouse surveillance".
Detective Starsky nodded wearily. He knew that Dobey was worried about him, but he felt so numb. The whole scene seemed like it was happening to someone else and his body felt like a ton. He just had to get out of here so he softly asked, "May I be dismissed?"
Dobey sighed, "Your dismissed. Just try to think about what I said." and watched ruefully as the Detective left the room. Starsky walked out of the precinct, mechanically responding the other officers as they buzzed him about the shooting. Soon he'd be home. He stopped and considered. That's where he was headed before all this started, but now it felt like an eternity had passed instead of hours.
Home proved to not be the relief he sought. Lying down on his bed, Starsky tried to get some rest. Every time he closed his own eyes, he saw the eyes of the gunman. Staring at him. Mocking at him. The terror continue to hit him. . The terror. His failure.
Starsky set up. His hands were shaking. He felt lightheaded and dizzy; he felt the sweat pore off him as his heart continued to beat wildly.
I froze. I should be dead. What if that 'd been Hutch behind me? I'd gotten him killed His mouth became even more dry and his stomach queased with nausea.
Hutch. He'd have to tell him. What would he say? Starsky had no secrets with his partner who was more than just a friend; more than a brother. Starsky panicked further at thinking about telling him. He didn't want to feel the shame of telling Hutch about how he'd froze or the fear that wouldn't stop running through him.
It changes everything. I could get us both killed
Still, he couldn't put it off much longer. A quick look at the clock. 2 pm. Hutch might still be asleep, but he had to tell him. Trembling, he picked up the phone to make the call.
After a few rings, a groggy voice greeted him, "Hello?"
"Hey, Hutch"
The other voice groused, "What's going on Starsk? It'd better be good. I wasn't planning on getting up for a couple more hours. You know how hard it is for me to sleep in the day?"
Starsky swallowed heavily as he replied, "Well, sorry, I just need to let you know.. I won't be joining you tonight for the stake-out."
Hutch's voice became more alert as he shrugged off his sleepiness and asked, "What do you mean? "
Starsky opened his mouth to begin to tell what'd happened, but another rush of fear hit. Damn it. I froze. I can't talk about it. Not now. Even though this was a friend he would trust his soul to, he couldn't face the fear. Starsky quickly sought to escape, "Hutch, I don't feel so good" reassuring himself that's not a lie
Only concern now echoed from Hutch, "What's wrong?"
As his head swam and his vision darkened, Starsky began to fear that he would go crazy if he continued to try to talk about it. He abruptly replied, "Hutch, something I ate. I gotta go now. Call you tomorrow". After the hanging up the phone, he began to cry. Great, that tops it. Now, I'm a liar and a coward
Chapter 3
After a few seconds of listening to the dial tone, Hutchison put down the phone, perplexed. Starsky sure didn't sound right. He stifled the urge to go over and check on him as he considered Well, he's a big boy. He can take care of himself. Besides, it probably is something he ate, Didn't he have the grande burrito. yesterday? If that isn't poison. If I've told him once, I've told him a thousand times, he needs to lay off that stuff… muttering to himself, Hutchison decided that sleep was a lost cause. He might as well get up and run some errands before the stake-out. It promised to be even more boring without his partner there to keep him company.
True to his expectations, Hutchison found it to be a long, tedious night. Thank god, it's the last one for this detail Three nights of photography and documentation was coming to a close. All that was left was the report to go to the special unit coordinating the investigation of this ring of drugs, extortion, and murder. It'll be real fun when the party comes crashing down on this scum Hutch knew though that it'd be a while.
He sighed. He really missed his partner. Usually Starsky would be tormenting him with some stupid trivia game. Without this diversion, Hutchison had to resort entertaining himself during the periods of inactivity. He hummed a few bars of music as he contemplated new lyrics to the music that he had been working on.
At last, the night came to a close. Hutchison considered his options. He'd been wondering how Starsky was feeling. Maybe he'd stop by the precinct, finish the report for this night and then grab some breakfast for both of them. I can be sure then to get him some decent food he thought decidedly as he turned on his car.
Despite the morning hour, the precinct was a still a hotbed of activity. Hutchison sat at his desk working on his report on who did what when. As he concentrated on his typing, Jenkins came up and greeted him jokingly, "Hey, Hutchison, isn't that the fun part of being a partner? You get to stay and finish the busy work while your partner's home loafing!"
Wondering how Jenkins knew that Starsky was home ill, Hutchison fixed Jenkins with a cold stare as he angrily replied. "What do you mean to imply, Jenkins, Starsky isn't home on some vacation!"
Taken aback by the detective's vehemence, Jenkins tried to appease Hutch, "Yeah, I know, but we all know Starsky going to be cleared by the Board"
Confusion flashed through Hutchison's face as he tried to understand Jenkins reply.
Board? What the hell is he talking about?
Another officer chimed in, "That right Hutch. We know Starsky nailed the bastard right. He's just lucky that the first shot missed. Your partner must have at least nine lives".
Hutchison nodded dumbfounded. Starsk's been involved in a shootout? When? How? Why wouldn't he have told me? He wanted answers and fast. Hutch didn't say anymore to the other officers. He was too embarrassed to admit that his partner hadn't told him something this important, but he knew who could tell him.
Without further delay or knocking, Hutchison rushed into his captain's office.
Dobey looked up, annoyed at the intrusion as he chastised, "What is with you and Starsky? Do I have to keep my doors locked to get a little common courtesy?"
Hutchison gave the routine apology, "Sorry, Captain" as he then demanded, "What's going on with Starsky?"
Dobey sat back in his chair, drumming his pencil against the desk. He was prepared for Hutch's intervention on Starsky's behalf. It was his opportunity to teach both of them as he defended himself, "Now Hutchison. It's like I explained to your partner. I've been too lax with you guys. We are following departmental procedures. Your partner will complete the 48 hour suspension per regulations…"
Hutch shook his head as he broke in, "No Captain, I mean, I need to know the details… of the shooting."
Surprised, Dobey exclaimed, "What? Did Starsky not tell you?"
One look at the abashed expression on Hutchison's face convinced Dobey that he was on the level,.
Dobey sighed, "I guess, obviously not." and then continued more quietly, "Well its pretty straightforward. Starsky was off duty. Heard the call about a hostage situation at a daycare. He responded to the call. He, Jenkins, and Rutherford were the ones at the scene. They determined the guy was going to kill his wife so Starsky went in through a basement. The gunman got off one shot before Starsky shot him. The wife was a witness and corroborated everything so I don't think there going to be any trouble…"
He glanced questioningly at Hutchison as he finished his tale, "It's not another Lonnie case if that's what you're worried about."
"No," Hutchison shook his head. He wasn't concerned about that. He was wondering though why Starsky wouldn't have told him about it. It sounded fairly routine.
He asked tentatively, "Captain, is there anything else that happened? Anything that might really have upset Starsky? Was the guy young? or really old? or…"
"Nothing special about it at all. Unfortunately. Just another middle age man, angry at the world and wanting to take it out on his wife" replied Dobey sadly, " I suggest that you talk to your partner if want to know what is bugging him. He did seem pretty beat by it all".
Deflated, Hutchison nodded and left the captain's office. He felt hurt at Starsky lack of confiding in him. Only he could give him the answers now.
Chapter 4/End
As Hutchison approached his friend's apartment, he felt a mixture of hurt, bewilderment and anger. It was the anger that was expressed when he pounded loudly on the door and yelled, "Starsky, its me, Hutch"
After about thirty seconds, Starsky hadn't come to the door so Hutch tried the knob. It was open so he let himself in. Despite the brightness of the day, Hutch entered into a dim, gloomy apartment. The blinds were almost completely closed.
Allowing his eyes to adjust, Hutch peered around the living room. Starsky was lying on his couch. His eyes were closed but he didn't appear to be asleep. Seeing the dejected figure, Hutchison felt his anger collapse. Something was really wrong here.
Hutch approached him and sat down in the chair next to the couch. He nudged his friend and his voice filled with concern as he asked, "Hey Starsky, its me. Hutch. What's been going on here? Talk to me."
Starsky opened his eyes and looked up at his friend. His dark blue eyes were troubled with a mixture of sadness and anxiety. He whispered, "Did you hear what happened?"
Hutch nodded as he replied curiously. "Yeah, they told me down at the precinct. What I don't understand is why you didn't tell me when we talked on the phone yesterday. It sounded like a justified shooting, Starsk. What's troubling you?"
Starsky couldn't meet his partners eyes. He sat up and crouched over, holding his head in his hands which covered his face. He had to tell him now.
The words choked him as he tried to explain, "I froze, Hutch.. I looked right into the gunman's eyes and I froze, just like…"
like me. thought Hutch guiltily.
The anguish was plain as Starsky continued, "like a damn deer caught in a headlight about to be run over by a truck. I knew it and yet I was so helpless" Full of self-loathing, Starsky hissed, "I couldn't even move cause I was so afraid"
Keeping his face in his hands, he then quietly confessed, " I should be dead, Hutch. If he hadn't such lousy aim. I would be."
Hutchison couldn't allow him to go there, for both their sakes. He gently grabbed Starsky's jaw and turned it towards him so that Starsky had to look at him and their eyes met. Hutch softly reminded him, "But he did. and your not. You got to stay focused on that, buddy".
Starsky pulled away and averted his eyes as he shook his head defeatedly, "But what about next time? I'm such a coward"
Hutch knew the depths of that kind of fear and how it shook one's confidence. It hadn't been that long ago when he had frozen while they had been chasing some gunmen down an alley. Starsky had excused the lapse and had quickly forgiven him, but Hutch hadn't let himself off that easily. He remembered how they had never talked about it. At first, they had studiously avoided it, but then when everything else happened with Gillian, Starsky had truly seemed to forget that it had happened. But Hutch knew better. He knew what that lapse could have meant. Just like Starsky knew what it almost meant for him.
Although they hadn't spoken about it, Hutchison had spent many quiet hours in contemplation for himself trying to figure out his reaction on that day and to keep it from happening again. He'd thought about it until he understood it. Looking at his partner, he now adamantly asked, "Then I guess I am a coward too, right?"
Surprised and confused, Starsky finally looked up at Hutch as he angrily demanded, "What are you talking about? This ain't got nothing to do with you!"
Hutch calmly replied as he looked knowingly, "But it does, Starsk, we both remember what happened that day in that alley"
Comprehension slowly dawned in Starsky's eyes as he finally recalled the instance that Hutch was referring to. He shook his head as he sadly asserted, "Aw, shit, Hutch. This ain't nothing like that. That was like, I told you then.. your mind was elsewhere. You didn't get me killed. But I would have gotten you killed if you'd been there"
Hutch argued back, "But that's just it, Starsk.. I wasn't there. The mind is a funny piece of business. If I'd been there, you probably wouldn't of froze. Think about it Starsk, you're alone, you've crawled up through a basement, and your about to confront some madman. Your mind says, hey I've seen this one time too many, and it tries to tell you to get the hell out of there. Fear is a good thing, Starsk. It helps to keep us safe; keeps us from getting too complacent. You know, like Dobey is always telling us, we need to consider the risks. Fear helps you weigh the odds."
Starsky had listened carefully, weighing his partners words, but at the last part, he interrupted sarcastically, "Well, yeah, some safety? Fear just about got my fing head blown off"
Hutch contradicted him, "No, Starsk. This is isn't about having fear. Its about how you respond to it."
He looked thoughtfully at his partner as he explained, "You, Starsk, you fight it. You tell yourself not to have it. That's when fear sneaks up on you. You end up giving it more power. You've got to let yourself feel the fear. It's okay to be anxious. Especially in the kinds of spots we find ourselves in.
Watching his partner digest his words, Hutch assured him gently as he added, "Fear doesn't make us weak. It makes us human".
Starsky thought about Hutch's words. Like usual. Hutch really understood. And in that moment of being completely understood, he allowed his defenses to let go and he began to sob painfully, "Oh, God, Hutch. I felt so scared… I am so scared…I don't wanna die."
Hutch responded to his partner's empathic need and held him in a hug as he spoke soothingly, "Hey, its okay. Just let it out.. You don't have to hold it back. The fear is not going to make you crazy or a coward. "
Holding his partner, Hutch sat quietly as Starsky allowed himself to face the fear. After a while the trembling eased, and Starsky's breathing began to slow.
With a weak grin, Starsky pulled away and met his partner's eyes evenly for the first time that day as he observed cautiously, "Hey, Hutch… you know, your right…I don't feel so scared" He then asked carefully , "You still gonna trust me with your back?"
Laughing, Hutch replied, reassuringly, "Always, partner, its me and thee".