Fuckep Up

by Adja

Post final. Dick thinks about his life. How it's gone better, how it's gone worse. And why. Swearing and.. nasty details.

I'm lying on the table. Like... my chin's on my folded arms and I'm slouched like shit. I've got that sulky face I only wear on bad days... or when someone's is telling me off. Not that I care, usually, but it's killing my time. I think about my year.

I've entered college. Great deal. Frat houses, hooch, easy chicks just waiting for me... Living with Logan -what a party. Etc... My dream for so long. Except it didn't exactly go as I had imagined.

I've been bored all year long. It didn't show, but I felt it. I've been empty. My life doesn't make much of sense now. I've slid through the year, puking by guts out every once in a while because, fuck, I always thought I'd be happy to be freshman, so I would set things up for Beav when he would join the year after.

But he'll never join. My little brother, my pal, the cute little annoying thing I loved and love more than I cared about my own life, had us all fooled. He was a monster. We were all monsters, and I thought he was normal, I was proud of it. But he was the worst of us. I hate him so fucking bad. And yet I can't stop crying when I think about him. I can't stop loving that little drop of my blood, that little piece of my flesh, all splattered in a car hood in my memory. Now that he's dead, I feel like I'm the one rotting under a head stone. I'm the last monster remaining. I wonder what I'll be able to do, since I always thought I could top Beav. What a potential, really.

Sun's too shiny today, I bury my face in my arms, wondering if I'm gonna fall asleep. Why not, after all ? I don't even know what I'm doing here. Summer's over. I'm bored on campus on a bright sunny afternoon and I could be surfing with Logan. So, wait.. scratch that... I could be surfing alone, since now he's all whipped and trying to teach this Veronica lookalike how to surf. Pssh.

Like he thinks he got us fooled when he pretends he's over Ronnie ? Parker's just some medication for him. I know he's trying to turn her into the love of his life. That cute little ass from Mars. I bet he only fucks her from behind so he can only see her hair and try to hear Ronnie's moans instead of her shrieks. Well, who am I to judge, huh ?

And Parker's not that bad. I'm just bitter. Mac said that, a week ago or so. No shit !? Me ? Bitter ? But why would I be, huh ?

It's true there has been a few improvements in my life lately. Mackie for example -she so hates when I call her that, but I see she's trying not to grin, so I'll never stop. I would never have guessed she would be so good for me. So full of comfort with her shy smiles and cute dimples. I like the girl, it's funny. Since I apologized like a faggot, she's started to acknowledge my presence. Which is sorts of cool.

She the smartest chick I've ever known. Close to V, but not the same style. I mean, my website looks like a fucking fiesta since she's the webmaster ! But it's not the best thing she's done for me. I think she makes me a better person, way to go, Mackie.

She taught me that it takes balls to cry in front of someone. I always thought I'd feel like a fucking queer after that, but with her it was different. I felt better, maybe cause she understood. Her thin little hands soothing in my hair while I fucking cried like a baby felt so good. I don't know why on Earth I deserve that, but I'm wicked thankful for it. Cause she helps me stand.

I try to do the same -that's the part about making me someone better. I felt kind of proud when she came to me with her heartache, when she got dumped by that wuss, the Max guy, for his ex. That jackass dumped her for a hoocker ! Guess he didn't deserve my Mackie all along, huh... She's so cool. She didn't even get mad at me for beating his ass up. Her and Wallace are cool. They kept Logan company when Veronica was off. I guess she broke up with Piz. I gotta say, I don't even know.

My divorce papers are finally official. God, this takes so long to erase a drunk mistake ! But I guess this one came easy. What, what do I mean ? I got Veronica raped, remember ? That I can't erase. I got my bro to keep his secrets from me. I can't scratch that either.

So, now... second year at Hearts. I even passed, can you believe that ? I didn't ace, but I worked. I guess I drank and worked as much as I could to forget. But I realize now that it won't work. I realized, talking with Fennel, that I had chosen the flight part in 'fight or flight'. So not me. I have to face the pain. And god It's hard. But I manage. I'll fucking live on. Fuck, I swear.

Last week, Madison was in town and she hit on me. No fucking kidding. She came on to me and asked me to fuck her. Gee, she fell so low, she even tried to lure me by offering me to fuck her in the ass. I blew her off, this wasn't even tempting. No way, Madi. The Dickster's too good for you know. No way he's gonna give it to you, whore.

I don't go around banging chicks every night anymore. It sort of got boring. Logan said I grew up at last, I said guys keep doing that until they die, and he looked away. Good job, dude, you did something wrong again. Like you should remember your bff of his shitty father. What's wrong with 09er dads, by the way ? Or is it just ours ? Anyway, it doesn't mean that I don't fuck anymore. Oh, I do. I have the most amazing sex ever. I'm just whipped, that's all.

I should go. I should move my sorry ass from that stupid bench and table and get back inside. Late September's sun is mean. Even if it's already 4pm. I'm gonna be sunburned again. Shit. It used to happen while surfing. Now it's more like now. I do nothing, wondering why I'm doing nothing and trying to think of something to do. I should do homework. Yeah... I know. Tempting. But, nah... later. Around 10pm, when my day'll be truly over.

I sigh, try to gather my strength and get up. I spot a winkled pink sheet of paper about a frat party, rolling in the wind before me and slouch again. Ah, yeah. Did I mention I'm GDI now ? It's funny, but now I keep my scores on the DL. Pi Sigs don't do that. I left. Fuck them. They're no fun anymore, anyway. All that videotape thing and the consequences last year made me open my eyes a bit. They don't care about the other. And I do. Just a fucking little bit, but I can't help it. I might be a bit human somewhere in there. Or so says Mac.

So, you're gonna wonder why I'm so messed up if everything's getting better, huh ? Well, because there's just a little more of what it seems, you see-... I almost jump when I feel the fingers grazing my shoulder. It's an odd feeling, I used to have playing Doom. You don't jump, but everything inside you does. And you can swear there's a fine layer of sweat at the top of your spine, when your hair just stood up.

I slowly stir and get up, meeting her amazing eyes. Yeah, because it's always her. Not that I can explain it. I swallow, cause I know what is going to happen, again. And I realize I was waiting for her, again. As always. I'm so fucked up.

She won't speak. She never does. There's no need of words for me to know what she says. She takes a few steps back, and I straddle the bench to follow her lead, hypnotized. Always. My heart beat soars, sometimes I wonder if I'm in love with her.

Maybe. That could explain the pain. But I don't know much about love, do I ? And I would never ask Logan about that. Hell no ! When the little fingers touches mine I almost tremble with anticipation. I don't know where we're going this time. I figure it out soon, when she kicks the basement door open, shooting me a glance that turns upside down everything that's in me.

Does she even know ?

Once we're down there, she just takes my other hand and leans against a wall, and I do what I mustn't. I come to her, as always. I give her my whole being. I kiss her. Fuck, I just kiss her and I feel like dying. Her lips are so soft, she doesn't deserve that. I do, maybe. But she doesn't. I feel her pain, surging inside me.

I pin her hands on the concrete and she let out a sigh. Oh, fuck. I know everything she loves. What makes her whimper and moan, what makes her scream. Her breathing is already uneven when I descend on her throat and her collar bone. I know when she wants it. I don't have to ask. She doesn't have to say it.

I shudder when she finds the spot on my spine. Oh, she knows me well too. It's dangerous. It's wrong. And I feel more scared than I ever have. Who would have thought she could be so intoxicating ? So good and so painful. Especially for me, who didn't quite see her before. I gasp, I can't help it, and press her harder against the wall.

I feel like I'm split in two when she moans. She loves to feel vulnerable. Like I am. Something she never does. I'm under her spell, her power. She's got me completely. An I love this. Fuck, I must love her. I've never enjoyed sex more than now.

She bites my lip before pushing me to get rid of my shirt. I rip her blouse open, and push her strapless bra down. I attack her neck again, and trail further down, squeezing the back of her neck with one hand. She moans, and I feel my stomach clench.

Fuck, I'm so in trouble. I'm Veronica Mars' sex slave ! And I love it. Holy shit, I've never felt something better. It's destroying us, but she keeps on coming. And I'm always there. I don't know what's wrong in her life. I don't ask. I don't have to. I know how she feels, that's enough for both of us. She's so using me. Logan would kill me for that. Wallace would kill me for that. Mac would kill me for that. I would kill me for that. And she would. Unless she doesn't. And we're the only ones to know.

I can't hold the yelp that echoes in the dark room when she grabs me, and runs a finger on the tip of my cock while she squeezes. I shudder. I so want her. And she wants me. That's what's killing. She's craving me. What other choice do I have but to give her want she wants, fully, willingly.

It's her turn to yelp when I thrusts inside, all at once. I met her eyes and I can see her screaming of pleasure inside. She kisses me again, harshly, passionately. I grab her ass and carry her a little further in the storage room. I shove every thing that was on the table on the floor and lay her down in the dust. She doesn't even care, she wants me to move inside her again. Now.

The most amazing thing is that when we're around each other and that there are other people, we're exactly the same than before. We called it a truce, yeah, but we're no friends at all. I can't believe how fucked up this is. How we can be so schizophrenic. For me, I guess it runs in the family. For her... Maybe her life has gotten to her eventually and now she's broken. Why would she come to me, if not ?

She grips the edge of the table above her head and opens her mouth to breathe loudly. I grip her hips and give it to her. Fuck, it's so good. So powerful. My thighs have grown bigger and stronger over the last months. I guess savage sex in broom closets or bathrooms are a fucking good work out.

The table is old and I wrap my arm under her back just in time to catch her before the wooden crap crumbles on the floor. Lucky I'm kinda strong, cause she's demanding. I catch her lips again, coming and going inside her, as I take a few, tentative, blind steps backward. When my back reaches the wall, I pin her against it, brutally. She locks her gaze with mine and I know that was what she wanted.

I thrust harder and she cries out. Because she loves it rough. And when she bites my neck and digs her nails in my back and just can't help shouting. God, I'm dying from this, but I love it with every fibre of my being. I feel her come, tightening around me and I concentrate. Shit, I don't wanna come now. I want this to last longer. She holds on to me and it's the only feeling of power I can get. Cause I know... She's got the lead, the power over me. Not only in sex, in my life. She can break me if she wants.

So I take revenge in making her be weak in her pleasure. But I'm caught in my own game. Her pleasure is one other weapon I add to her arsenal. When she pushes from the wall, I almost trip. I take her down to the floor. It's not be the first time, and though I've got that fear every day, I know it's not gonna be the last time. I need to see a shrink.

It's a battle. She rolls on top of me and moves, making my eyes roll back in my head. But she pulls me again over her. She likes me on top. She likes feeling possessed. I choke, pleasure surging through me. This is war. She's so strong, so brilliant. It reminds me of a theory. Those people need to feel weak sometime. Well, lucky for me. I won't deny that to her.

When she comes again, it takes me by surprise and I break down. I try to hold on a few more thrusts and I finaly collapses on top of her. I have to keep myself, every time, from whispering sweet things in her ear. It's not my style, but she makes me do it. The way she holds me in her arms and gently scratch the hair in my neck is killing me. It's so good, but it's all I'll get.

I dig my face in the small of her neck and let the feeling of our hearts pounding against the other take over me. I hear her swallow and I know her eyes are close in that moment of stillness. She let her fingers trail lines on my sweat covered back. I used to think girls didn't like sweat. But apparently, when they cause it, that's a different deal.

I remember the first time I realized that. My hair was dripping on my face, again, because of her, and because the lack of air conditioning in the 'out of order' bathroom -by the way, Logan's a moron, he never figured that one out. I was trying to blow it of my face, cause I will never, ever let one of my hands leave her body for a such insignificant matter.

I guess she helped me. She pushed herself onto me and upper against the wall, and caught a curl of wet hair in her mouth, sucking at it, before going back to my neck. Tastes almost like sea, it's not bad, but whoa.. what she did. I think I came right at that moment. And I don't believe in coincidences, if you know what I mean.

When I feel her move slightly, I know this is almost over, no more cuddling. No more Veronica. I feel like crying. I pull away slightly, only to have her hand gently gaze my cheek and pull me into a kiss. I can't believe how extreme she can be. She can be savage and violent, like a wounded animal, fighting for her life. And all of a sudden, she kisses me tenderly like I'm the fucking love of her life.

Which I'm not. Thanks for mentioning it, but I knew. I'm split in two again. She's so gentle I wanna hold her tighter and tell her everything I feel, tell her to stay. And the other part dies because it's too painful, I know that'll never be. I know she's sad. I'm not sure why.

I know it's killing her. And I know she comes back because it's killing her. I wanna stop this. I know this is wrong. But I crave her so damn much. I just need her so much I can't.

Every time she leaves and that I feel a little more of our lives dying away, I wanna call her back and make it a quit. Or beg her to stay with me. But I know I can't have her another way. And I just can't not have her. So I don't speak a word. I need her as much as she needs this.

Cause, even if it kills, I doubt she's needing me.