It had been four months since the accident that left my mom dead. I realized that my life had been absolutely empty for those past four months and it was never going to be filled again. I mean, it happened so fast. I can't believe she died and I didn't. And, it was my fault that she's dead. If I hadn't begged her to go, she'd probably be out working in the barn right now. It was all my fault, and I had to learn to live with it.
Everyone still turns and stares when I walk by in this town, as if to make sure I'm not going to kill myself right then and there, as if her death made me completely psycho. Which it didn't. It just made me completely lifeless, uncaring of what I do. They still turn and whisper when I walk by, as if they have no idea I can hear them, or they just don't care. My life has completely changed after that stormy day. I go home, help around the barn, go in and do my homework, and then go to bed.
My friends don't invite me to parties anymore. After the accident, I walked around numb and lifeless. After two weeks of this, they gave up on me and pretend I don't exist anymore. I don't talk in school anymore, I don't laugh, and my friends don't bother to even look at me. My teachers never call on me; never even look at me either. They just pass their eyes over me like I'm an empty desk.
I used to be popular, fun, and exciting. Now I'm a no body, quiet, and dull.
I got into my truck and headed out of the school parking lot. I didn't care I was skipping my last two classes. No one would even notice I was gone.
On the road, it was quiet and all I could here was the engine running. I had given up on listening to music, or anything that would bring up the painful memories of that afternoon. I've worked so hard on trying to get it to fade away, but the memories are so vivid and so alive still.
Tears started welling in me eyes. I had to think of something else. Something to stop the tears from coming out. I've cried for so long and my eyes ached from it.
I thought about Dawson to get my mind away from mom. He was the best horse to me and I've had him for nine years now. Ever since I was eight and bought him, he's been my best friend, partner, and basically my life. If I hadn't had him I don't think I would have ever gotten through mom's death, or even her funeral.
It was so hard going to the church that night and listening to people I barely knew come up to me and give me their condolences. After about an hour of it, I left early and drove straight to the barn and sat in Dawson's stall and cried until I couldn't cry anymore. He just looked at me, so understanding and caring with his deep eyes. I swear his eyes were so mesmerizing you could see his soul.
My mouth started to curl up into a smile. Not one of those fake smiles I had been doing for the past months, but a real smile. My face had forgotten how to smile and it felt weird and different. Almost foreign.
I pulled in the driveway and parked my truck.
I went into the barn and fetched up his leather halter and headed to his stall. As soon as he saw me his face shot up and a lot whinny came out. Mike, our stable hand came up behind me.
"He's been lookin forward to seein ya all day Miss Livi."
I took him out and tied him up outside his stall. I groomed him well and started to tack up when I noticed my dad pull up. This was definitely unusual, and in a bad way.
I kept tacking up Dawson as if I hadn't seen him and he walked into the barn.
"Where's Mike?" he asked a little stressed.
I just shrugged my shoulders and he walked off.
He was used to me not saying anything so I was surprised he even asked me a question.
I turned back to Dawson and put his bridle on. I grabbed my helmet and went out on the trails behind the barn.
We walked for a while and after about ten minutes, I gave Dawson the reins and he took off galloping. I quickly grabbed the reins and smiled. He knew exactly how to make me happy.
We galloped on, the wind surrounding me to wear I couldn't hear anything. I was secluded in this moment and it felt great. For a short time I felt like everything was going to be all right. But then the feeling stopped as I brought him back to a walk.
I knew I shouldn't be galloping or jumping him since he had retired. But it was still hard for me to grasp the concept. It was hard to believe that the best jumper to ever come through our barn and who won me tons of ribbons was retired now.
We turned around and walked back heading to the barn. I hadn't realized how far we'd come into the forest.
When I got back, I saw that Mike's car wasn't there anymore. Apparently, he had left early and expected me to feed. Boy, thanks!
I got off and walked into the barn but everyone had been fed and everything was ready for the night.
Huh…maybe he just left early.
I pulled Dawson's saddle and bridle off and put him in his stall to eat.
Dad came around the corner moments later while I was putting things up.
"Hey, do you have everything under control here?"
"Yeah," I said weakly.
"Ok. Well, I'm off. I'll see you at home."
I stayed a little while longer, just sitting on the stairs of the hayloft and watching the horses. It was one of my favorite places because I could just sit and think about things here. When I felt Dad might be getting a little worried, I went to my truck and started home.
When I got inside, dinner was on the table.
"I was just about to call you," he said with a smile.
I went to sit down at the table and we started eating. Well, he did. I just kind of looked at my food and took little bites here and there. He finally looked up at me, with exhaustion and determination in his eyes.
"Look. I've been thinking and I think it's about time you come out of this little phase your having."
I looked up at him, wide eyed. He'd never confronted me about this, just lived with it.
"And things have been kind of tight around here with money so I had to fire Mike."
I still looked at him confused.
"And how does this effect me?"
He looked a little shocked, because I barely ever said a whole sentence anymore. He recovered quickly though.
"Well, I don't know if you remember my old buddy from when we lived in Georgia, Alex?"
"What about him?"
Now he was starting to look really shocked.
"Well, he has two sons, Sean and Adam. I don't know if you remember them."
I put my fork down and looked at my dad directly now.
"Oh I remember them. The two boys that always pulled my hair and made fun of me?"
He started to look a little uncomfortable.
"Yeah, them…I think they're close to your age now. Anyway, I invited them to come up and work at our barn for the rest of the year and all of summer. Until we can get some money back into our pockets. John said that this is Sean's senior year and he needs him to stay down there but Adam's willing to work here for free and even change schools."
"How does this affect me?"
I was starting to get a little angry. I had never liked the Vanpelt boys.
"I was just thinking. Maybe he could help you, you know, get back in to your regular life routine."
This made me really mad!
"My regular life routine is fine!"
Whoa, that came out a little angrier than I had wanted!
"And I doubt that Vanpelt boy who hated me is going to be the one to help me change back to who I was!"
"Honey, they all know about the situation and Adam said he'd be here for you."
"They know about the situation! THEY KNOW ABOUT THE SITUATION! Well why don't ya just tell everyone in the world what happened. Oh wait! Everyone in the world already knows!"
I stood up and went upstairs to my room.
When I got there I was still a little shocked at how I'd reacted. I hadn't said that many words to my dad in the last month! Let alone in one conversation! He was probably just as surprised as I was. I felt bad though. I shouldn't have yelled at him. He means well and he's just trying to keep our stable running because he knows how much it means to me. And then I went and treated him like dirt. Nice one Livi!
I decided to get in the shower and try to ease me temper.
When I got out, I started on some homework (I know, what a dork!), when I smelt my dad's homemade brownies.
This was his way of apologizing and it made me feel even worse about how I'd acted. I knew I needed to go down there and set things better between us. I at least owed him that much.
I opened my door and started down the stairs when he looked up at me with a weak smile.
"Sweaty, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you," he said apologetically.
I started walking down the stairs again.
"No Dad. It was my fault. I shouldn't have gone off like that. You're just trying to keep things going around here with the stable, the house, and everything."
He looked at me and smiled again.
"Honey, I just care about you and want you to be happy again."
I looked at him with a weak smile, which was the most I could manage.
"I know Dad."
I went over and gave him a hug.
"I just have one question," I said.
"What's that?"
I could here the curiosity in his voice.
"When is Adam coming?"
He looked down for a moment and I could tell he didn't want to answer but he finally looked up and me again.
"He's coming tomorrow."
I took in a sharp breath but didn't let my emotions roll over to my face.
"And where is he staying?"
He looked down again. I hit the mother load.
"In our guest room."
"Okay," I said reassuringly. I didn't want him to see how upset I was about the fact that he hadn't bothered to tell me until the night before of when he was coming.
"I made you brownies," he said and I could tell he was trying to change the subject.
"I know."
I tried to laugh to make the atmosphere in the room a little lighter.
"I could smell them all the way from upstairs."
He laughed and poured us some milk.
I sat down at the table and I started to have a feeling this conversation wasn't over.
I waited for him to say what was on his mind while I pretended to read a horse magazine on the counter.
"I've been thinking," he started. "That maybe it would be good for you to ride Flint again and maybe…"
"Dad no. You know how hard that is for me."
I didn't want to sound mean since we'd just gotten back on good terms but there was no way I was going to ride him.
"Honey, he's an amazing jumper and he's just sitting in that stall. You need to ride him."
I started to get up from the counter. I wanted to get to my room before the tears took over.
"I can't even look at that horse Dad. You might as well sell him."
Even as I said those words I knew they were a lie. This horse was one of the only close ties I had left to my mom and saying that made my tongue sting.
"Your mom would have wanted you to ride him."
Dad did not want to give up on this topic.
"I'll think about it. I'm really tired so I'm just going to go to bed now."
That was the best excuse I could find out of this upsetting conversation.
I started to walk up the stairs.
"Livi?"
I stopped and turned around to him unwillingly.
"Yeah Dad?"
He smiled again.
"You never know. You might end up being friends with that Vanpelt boy."
"Yeah," I said weakly. "Maybe."
"I love you."
"Love you too Dad."
I gave him a weak smile and walked the rest of the way to my room.
I was tired from staying up the night before and studying for tests and as soon as I lay down, I fell asleep.