A/N: Just got back from Boston, and God, I love Boston. So as opposed to going to church like I should, I'm going to write another fanfic, because I'm just way too tired to gain any sort of meaning from church. It's an iCarly, obv, and it involves a canon death, so if you can't handle that, you should stop reading now. It'll be multi-chapter and actually semi-deep, and it involves religion and language, and possibly abuse or sex or drugs. That being said, enjoy Life After.

What gave him the right? What did he think possibly gave him the right to... to leave her and the world and go fly up with the angels? (She couldn't think about the word die, or death.... it didn't fit in her mind right now. Psychological hang-ups and that shit. Or at least that's what her teachers said.)

He couldn't be gone, because he was.... (another side effect, she couldn't say his name in her mind anymore, and it scared the hell out of her because she felt like she was slowly losing him. The only way she could remember him happily was when she looked at his latest sculpture. She thought it was supposed to be a cow, made out of..... what was that stuff called? Clay, right, clay. She needed to get her memory back like desperately.)

She wasn't alone or anything. Oh, God, that'd be unbearable. No, Sam and Freddie were here with her, and Mrs. Benson stopped over once a day or more, to remind her to take her pills and make sure she'd eat something. She and Sam had taken to sleeping next to each other. It was just easier knowing the other was close and Freddie had to go back to his mother at the end of every day, and it just felt better this way. Sam had lost her fiancé, and Carly had lost her brother. They were supposed to be sisters. But then... he... He all of a sudden wasn't there to marry her and Sam had lost the love of her life and she cried right next to Carly most nights. They were already so ridiculously close, and everything just.... she didn't feel like any of it was happening, but....

She was living. She just... wasn't sure what she was doing. But she was alive, and she ate and took her meds and cleaned the non-important parts of the house. She didn't go in his room, or the kitchen, or the living room too much, except when someone dragged her out of the house. She hated having just that door there. She didn't like passing the sculpture every time. It just started to creep her out after a while. And that in itself made her cry, that something he had made, that it freaked her out. She might have to finish it for him. Although... would that ruin the memory? Oh, man, she couldn't think about it. It confused her too much.

But yeah, she was living. They couldn't say she wasn't, it'd be a lie. It was more of an existence than a life though, and she knew it. It was just... well, she was sad. And Spe-and he wasn't there to wake her up in the morning, and she wasn't sure the last time she'd been to school. Probably a couple weeks at least. She thought. School just kinda felt unnecessary. Even though she'd gone there almost her entire life.

She wanted to remember right now. She wanted to think about his name, and go lay on his bed and remember his smell and how he hugged her and made spaghetti tacos, and how he and her best friend Sam were supposed to get married right after Sam graduated....

Holy shit, she was a senior, oh man, this was seriously going to kill her grades and her scholarship to UMASS.

But maybe she didn't have the courage to go to UMASS anyways. She'd lost her comfort zone back here in Seattle, did she really have the guts to travel cross-country?

Just let her say his name, just once, God. Because she still believes in You, she just feels a little skeptical that this is really necessary and the right thing to do to her.

Spencer. Spencer Joseph Shay. She visibly relaxed, saying it out loud. Thanks, God.

It was just.... she really does think this is a little unnecessary. Spencer was her brother, and Sam's fiancé and she just... she missed him.

Freddie was there, and he was trying to be supportive, but she knew she was a pretty shitty girlfriend. She was lucky if she remembered to shower every morning nowadays.

She knew Spencer was up in Heaven, but she wanted him down here.

She spent her days listening to Monster Ballads, that CD off tv. Every Rose Has Its Thorns had become her favorite song, and it was often on repeat for hours. She was good at laying there staring at the ceiling without actually sleeping. Very good.

She was starting to wonder where Sam and Freddie had gotten to, when...

"Psst! Carls?" She sat up, looked around frantically. She'd heard his voice, but that couldn't be because he was... wasn't here. Where the heck was he, and why was he talking?

"Carly! Listen up, kiddo, I don't have much time." She heard him sighing. "Okay, I guess I'm a ghost, staying here to make sure you're okay. Carly, be careful, don't make me watch too hard. And I was supposed to die, Carly. I was. I had..." Shit! He can't leave in the middle of a sentence! Why did he spend so much time explaining he was a ghost??

"Wait, Spencer! You had what??"

But the voice was gone, and she laid back down on her bed and cried, wondering if it was real or if she'd just imagined it.

He'd either come back and visited her, in an admitted limited capacity, orrr she was so desperate to have him back that she'd just like... thought him up. And heard his voice. But he told her it was his time to die, and her conscious mind didn't know that. And didn't fantasies work off just your knowledge?

Her head hurt from all this thinking. She hadn't been really thinking in so long. And it really kinda... wasn't accomplishing anything, and so... she settled back down and turned on 18 and Life. Because Skid row was right, life is soo much easier when the bottle was your best friend.

Even if she hadn't actually tried it. She wanted to, so bad. She knew Spencer drank occasionally, and Sam was.... doing something. And the beer was in the bottom shelf of the fridge, and she decided. She slowly got off her bed, walked into the kitchen, and...

A/N: Oooh, cliffy. Carly's questioning her faith a lot in the next chapter or so folks. So again, if you're not into religion, don't read it. I just had this monster laying in my head.... it ate up the plot bunnies, it really was a monster. Please enjoy it for what it is, it's unbeta'd. If you'd like to review, that'd be cool. I know it's hard to get up the energy, but I really really appreciate your comments! And it might give me inspiration faster if you guys gimme some ideas in your reviews? Hint, hint :]