I'll Live On, an instant star fanfic

"Could I?"

"Should I?"

The thoughts bounced around in my head.

It had been 3 weeks since the night Tommy told me.

My life has forever changed and I don't know how I'll live on without him.

"Hello." I smiled up at Tommy, my head in his lap.

"Can you believe that we've been together for 2 years today?" I asked.

"Yeah. I can." He lifted me up to hold me.

I couldn't keep the smile off my face as I kissed him.

"Listen, Jude. I've got some... Bad news." He said, the mood suddenly changing.

"Like what?" I sat up.

"I went to the doctor about my headaches and nausea."

"What did he say?"

"Well. He ran some tests."

"Why did he run tests? Is there a problem?"

"They found something."

"What kind of something?"

Tommy stopped and squeezed my hands.

"I only have 4 to 6 months left to live."

Tommy's cancer had been the most heartbreaking experience of my life.

He was on medication to make him more comfortable.

But, we both know something has gone terribly wrong.

This wasn't the way it was suppose to happen.

Because, after all didn't love conquer all?

Tommy's been getting worse the more time passes, and I know we're just running out of it.

I wanna love him.

I wanna be there for him.

But I find the sadness the be overwhelming.

I'm only 20.

He's only 27.

This shouldn't have happened.

It's not right.

Why does God take life the way he does?

If anyone in the world deserves to live, it's Tommy.

"Jude. This is gonna be one of our last nights together. I can feel it. I just know." Tommy sadly said, taking my hands.

"Why do you say that?" I felt the tears coming, as they often do.

"I told you. I just know. A feeling in the pit of my stomach. Telling me to tell you all the things we left unsaid. I'm not taking any of this to the grave. And I'm defanitly not taking you to the grave. Promise me something. Promise me, you'll be strong. You can make it without me. Tell me you know." Tommy felt his tears coming too.

I shook my head. I would not imagine spending the rest of my life without him. I would not do it.

"Promise me, Jude."

"I can't promise you something like that! God, Tommy! Do you know how much you mean to me? You're my everything!" I had said in a mad rage.

"No." Tommy started and squeezed my hands.

"I've just been in a few chapters of your life. And Jude, we love each other. So, so much. You're the strongest person, I've ever met, with the biggest heart. It'll be okay to write songs about me. And it'll be okay to kiss other guys and eventually get married and have kids with someone else." Tommy gulped back a sob.

"And... You'll live on. I know you will. So, I'm asking you, as my dying wish..." Tommy started to cry.

"...Live on for me."

And so it was as they had told us, Tommy had died 4 weeks and 2 days after they diagnosed him.

"What the fuck can I do? What can I do? What can I do?" I fell on the floor of Tommy's and my apartment.

"Tommy!" I called out.

"Tommy!" I called one more time.

No answer, and it was finally understood... Tommy was gone.

I picked up a pen and a napkin, and my mind filled up with ideas.

I've never been so depressed as the day we buried Tommy, my thoughts raced back to the night Tommy had told me of the things I was to be when he passed, and it was the last time we ever made love.

Tommy would never be able to see the child that he had fathered, that he never knew he fathered.

Getting pregnant, I never would have imagined happened. But it's a blessing, something to remember Tommy by.

My mind slowly drifted back to reality.

I looked in the cold casket.

I saw Tommy's eyes closed and it hit me suddenly that I'll never see his eyes again.

I started to heavily cry and I looked again and knew this is the last time I'll ever see Tommy anywhere but my dreams.

I took the note that held the song out of my pocket and stuck it in his front jacket pocket.

I slowly grabbed his hand and kissed his cold forehead.

"I'll live on for you." I whispered as they closed the top of the casket.

Tommy,

There wont be a day that I'll not think about you. And even though you are physically not here, I can always feel your warmth around me. I hope you're making music with the angels in heaven. And I know down here, everyone misses you and no one will ever replace you. So to sum up the way I feel. I wrote this for you.

"I remember the times we spent together.
All those drives, we had a million questions,
All about our lives.
And when we got to Toronto everything felt right.
I wish you were here with me,
Tonight.

I remember the days we spent together,
Were not enough, it used to feel like dreaming,
Except we always woke up.
Never thought not having you here now,
Would hurt so much.

Tonight I've fallen and I can't get up.
I need your loving hands to come and pick me up.
And every night I miss you,
I can just look up,
And know the stars are,
Holding you, holding you, holding you,
Tonight.

I remember the time you told me,
About when you were eight.
And all those things you said that night,
That just couldn't wait.
I remember the car you were last seen in,
And the games we would play.
All the times we spilled our coffees,
And stayed out way too late.

I remember the time you sat and told me,
About your life, and how not to look back,
Even if no one believes us.
When it hurts so bad, sometimes,
Not having you here.

I say,
Tonight I've fallen and I can't get up.
I need your loving hands to come and pick me up.
And every night I miss you,
I can just look up,
And know the stars are,
Holding you, holding you, holding you,
Tonight."

Author's note: I do not own "Tonight" by FM Static. I changed a few of the words around to fit the story better. I only own the story. I hope you enjoyed it.