A/N: Whoa, been a while since I posted anything. Let alone anything Titans-related. Well, as usual, it's BB, DP-central. This is going to be as many chapters long as possible, and consist of oneshots about BB's life in the Doom Patrol.
I kind of have a weak spot for Mento as you'll see. I think he really must have a heart if BB's so sweet and was trained by him. There will be some MentoxNegative man in some chapters, but I'll see how that goes. Please support an adorable seven-year-old green child and his family!
Warnings: some language, (very little) crude humor, (very little) mentoxnegative man
Disclaimer: I sure don't own these psycos.
Ch. 1: Cookies with Beast Boy
Rita Farr was laying in suspended misery. Feverish delusions plagued her mind and overwhelming heat surrounded her as though she was in an oven. There was a soft whimpering of which she was vaguely aware, and through her lack of consciousness, she knew she should be addressing it. Being as the sound seemed to be increasing in volume, she focused on it in an attempt to bring herself out of her haze. It worked, and after a few moments she was able to open her clouded chestnut eyes. It was her room...and judging by the lighting it was late morning. Slowly she turned to find a small green child sobbing beside her, holding her hand.
"Rita...don't die," the child murmured pathetically.
"Garfield." she was surprised by the weakness of her own voice.
He looked up, viridian orbs watery. "You're awake..." he stated softly. "You haven't been awake yet today."
"Yes...I'm afraid I'm not feeling very well."
"I know," he sighed. "You were flushed with a fever. Cliff took your temperature and it was like one-oh-three. Poor, mommy, you're sick."
"Oh...my..." she was shocked to hear this. 103? She knew she was getting sick last night, but such a high fever...?!
"And...and...and..." he looked near tears again.
"What, sweetie?" she demanded, maternal instinct kicking in despite how sick she felt.
"We...were...supposed to make cookies today!" the child wailed.
Oh, yes. That was right. Rita sighed; it had to have been nearly a week ago she had promised to bake with him after he had found an old book of recipes deep within the attic of the mansion. Since that simple promise, Beast Boy had found a new life's meaning. His very existence had been for the baking of some simple chocolate chip cookies with 'mommy' over the weekend (a time she knew would be easy to force her other three team mates far away...like another continent perhaps and batten down for the sugary experiment). It was with a combination of guilt and helplessness that she looked down, wondering how to console the poor child whose aspirations had been crushed by the sudden fever when her godsend entered.
There was the lightest of knocks on the door and Mento stepped in cautiously, eyes narrowing on Beast Boy fleetingly before noting his conscious friend. "Rita, how are you feeling?" he asked. Steve Dayton was born to be a superhero and captain. Everything he did was done quickly and efficiently, that included nursing his teammates. Balanced on one arm was a tray which held water, medicine, a small pitcher of ice and a thermometer. He was at her side in a second handing her the thermometer and adding ice to the glass of water, all while scolding Beast Boy and asking Rita what she needed.
"I thought I told you not to come in here. Did you wake her up, Garfield?"
"No, sir, of course not. Rita woke up a few minutes after I came in to see how she was."
"What's your temp now?"
"One hundred even."
"That's better than it was at least. Why are you crying?"
"Rita was gonna bake with me today and now she can't—"
"Forget I asked. What else can I get you? Are you up to eating yet, or nauseous? Would you like us to leave you alone?"
Used to her captain's rapid train of thought, Rita took the glass and smiled. "I think all I'll need is a little more rest, thank you. And...some peace and quiet might be nice."
With a nod and gentle smile, he obeyed, and was in the midst of ushering a less-than happy Beast Boy out of the room when a brilliant thought popped into her delusional head.
"Actually, Steve, if you don't mind..."
He turned, eager to assist her in any way possible.
"Well, Gar and I had plans today, and I fell out obviously. But I'm sure you could help us out. You see, we were going to bake cookies today—"
The fearless hero blanched, blue eyes widening with dread as Beast Boy perked up and was already cheering on about 'baking yummy cookies with Mento-sir.' Determined to cheer up the child and avoid the chore herself, she ignored Mento's frown and continued. "Why don't you bake with him? It's an easy recipe."
"I...I can't bake, Rita."
"But you're an excellent cook, baking is just a little more precise. And of course Gar will help you."
"That's what I'm concerned most about," he muttered darkly but with a begrudging nod of agreement.
"It means so much to me!" she told him with a thankful look, lying back down to get more rest.
With a final look of misery, he closed the door, muffling Beast Boy's loud voice.
"Thank god," Rita whispered, slipping off to sleep.
Mento meanwhile was cursing god, and just about everything else he could think of silently while leading the green ball of energy down the corridors to the kitchen. On the way, the two ran into Negative Man.
"Hey, you two. How's Rita?" the meta-human directed the question to the adult.
"Still pretty sick, awake though. Needs rest," he answered through gritted teeth.
His chief's lack of ability to speak in full sentences and narrowed eyes told the mummy that he was in a bad mood.
"So...our ailing heroine duped you, huh?" he couldn't help but tease.
"Larry, Larry! Join us! Me an' Mento are gonna bake cookies! Cuz Rita's sick, remember?!" Beast Boy explained with enthusiasm.
"Pft...You bake cookies? That's like asking Hitler to be a clown at a kid's party. Haha...mind if I watch?"
Mento turned, glaring, and opened his mouth to retort. Before he did, though, his blue eyes flickered and a catlike smile came across his face. The sheer evil suddenly flowing from his friend scared Negative Man and he stepped back but was still too slow.
"Better than that, you can help."
"Oh, absolutely not. Make your own—"
"No, Larry, I insist. In other words, that's an order." He ensnared his friend, eyes narrowed to slits of vengeful ecstasy.
"I hate you. Have I told you that yet today?" he answered under his breath, following the kid and still annoyed (but now slightly smug) Mento.
Once in the kitchen, Beast Boy pulled out an old Tollhouse cookbook and pointed to the recipe he wanted to bake from. "See? See? It's chocolate chip. Rita said that it's easy and we have all the ingredients already and—"
"Slow down when you speak," Mento ordered, placing one hand over the child's mouth and taking the book with the other hand. His eyes ran down the page and he moved silently, collecting all the listed ingredients. "Make yourself useful and gather bowls and measuring cups to use." he added to his silent friend over his shoulder.
Negative Man tensed in annoyance, but didn't dare disobey. With a "C'mon, Gar," he began tearing the kitchen apart in a search for the right tools.
"Okay, have you guys never cooked anything before?" the blue-eyed hero asked in annoyance as Beast Boy stood on his friend's shoulders to reach the mixer on a high shelf...only to knock it down and send various pots and pans careening to the floor with deafening crashes.
"No," the meta-human answered levelly, anger rising. "The only people on the team who can do anything fancy with food are you and Rita."
"And me now!" sang the Green Machine merrily.
The adults continued to death-glare each other for a moment longer, and then the mummy gave up and picked the (now dented) mixer off the floor, plugging it in.
Beast Boy had morphed into an octopus and was gathering spoons, mixing bowls, and measuring cups all at once and depositing them on the marble counter top. Having cooled down considerably, Mento turned, patting his son's head while explaining how to bake. "First we need to mix dry and wet ingredients in separate bowls. Wet in the electric mixer, dry in another bowl. Can we do that?"
"Yes we can!" came the immediate and loud reply.
".....Sure, why the hell not?"
"Alright..." he paused, wondering which a safer assignment was for the child. On the one hand, the worst that could happen with dry ingredients was a mess which was easy to clean whereas wet ingredients included eggs...and that could get ugly. On the other hand, measuring out things like flour and sugar were very important to make the cookies come out right. "Garfield, you're with me mixing flour, sugar, salt, and baking soda. Larry, I'm sure you can handle eggs, chopped walnuts, butter and vanilla extract, right?"
"Oh, yeah. Leave the nuts to me," he answered, laughing as his friend cringed at the crude humor.
"Take the cookbook...I memorized the page already." he handed NM the page.
"Yeah, aren't you smart?" his sarcasm knew no bounds, "Do you want a cookie?"
"If he does, Larry, Mento has to wait till we cook 'em." Beast Boy pointed out seriously.
Both adults laughed, moods having been lightened by the greatest medicine of them all...childhood stupidity.
"Now I'll measure, and you can pour into the bowl, deal?"
"Yes, sir!"
Making sure the measurements were exact, the blue-eyed man allowed two and a half cups of flour to be poured into the glass mixing bowl, and then brown and granulated sugar, followed by baking soda. Finally, salt was added, Beast Boy making up a song for each ingredient that went in.
"Salty salty salt,
I don't like salt in my cookies,
Salty salty salt...
Mento what rhymes with cookies?"
The child never did receive an answer because in the next moment, NM turned the mixer on full power and sent eggs, vanilla and butter shooting all around the room.
"Aaah! This mixer is mental!"
"You're the only one that's mental, turn it off!"
"Ooh! This is awesome! Flying cookie dough, you guys!"
After a few more hellish seconds of 'flying cookie dough,' the meta-human managed to turn off the mixer by simply un-plugging it.
"Awww, no that's boring," the child whined. Meanwhile, if looks could kill, NM would have been dead ten times over; Mento was making sure of that.
"Okay, okay. I get the point. You're the only one in the whole world who can do this without causing catastrophe. If it weren't Rita's orders for us to be here, I'd drag Gar out right now and you could continue you r work in peace." The mummy lashed out, already annoyed enough.
"If you think your sarcasm can surpass mine, you have another thing coming." The captain responded calmly, wiping wet ingredients off of his sleeves. "May we continue please? I need to get a timer; clean up while I'm gone," he continued, leaving the room.
"Larry, don't cookies need yeast to rise?" Beast Boy called. The older hero was surprised to find he had successfully added dry to wet ingredients (successfully meaning only about a third of the dry ingredients were on him and the rest were in the mixer, waiting to be mixed).
"Hey, you have a point," he agreed, gently lifting his friend from the counter and setting him on a chair so he could still reach the countertop. "I guess Jonny Blue Eyes didn't memorize the ingredients list after all. Without yeast, stuff doesn't rise in the oven."
"I thought so. Rita uses it in bread," the green-eyed child explained, pleased with himself. "Oh, and who's Jonny?"
Shaking his head, Negative Man moved over to the cabinet and pulled some yeast out. He dusted it over the top of the bowl, then placed it back and prepared to mix once more. This time, he had the piece of mind to turn the mixer down to zero before plugging it back into the wall.
Just then, their captain re-entered. "You put that all in at once?" he asked, pupils dilating.
"Why not?" the other adult asked, stomach dropping at his friend's tone as Beast Boy turned on the mixer once more. Flour shot around the room with an electronic murmur.
"Hahaha! We look like ghosts! BOO!"
"That's why," he forced a tranquil expression and crossed the room to supervise the rest of the mixing. By now, the dough had settled and was ready for chopped nuts and chocolate. This went with only minor delays such as Beast Boy eating most of the chips before they could be added. Finally, the dough was ready. "Alright," procuring three random spoons, Mento distributed them. "Thankfully, we're almost done. Scoop out about a spoonful, roll it into a ball and set it on the tray about an inch apart in all directions."
"Yes, sir!" the Green Machine exclaimed through a mouthful of cookie dough.
"Damn. Nuts and balls, Steve…are you trying to tell us something—"
"Another word from you my friend and I scoop your eyeballs out with this spoon and shove them down your throat, okay?" he asked smiling like a demon.
"Holy shi—take mushrooms. You're scary."
"Uh-huh."
"This is fun," Beast Boy said in utter sugar-induced bliss.
"Well I'm glad Garfield is getting a good day out of this," the blue-eyed man said with some sincerity in his tone.
"Yeah…I actually kind of agree with you." Negative Man admitted.
"I mean, how fun is it to be with family like this?" the boy continued, offering a toothy grin to each of his teammates. "I love baking I've decided. And I love both of you. Maybe someday when we save the day for good, we can open a bakery and I can bake with Mento-sir and Larry and Mommy and Tin Man all day. Won't that be nice?" his forest-green eyes sparkled but never left his hands, which were working as well as a hyper-active child's could when so eager to please.
The two adults exchanged touched glances and silently made up for the insults of the day and any hard feelings, both turning back to their own work and agreeing with Beast Boy although they knew they would sooner die than 'save the day for good.'
It has been said that many hands make light work. Obviously, the nimrod who coined this expression did not have children, because it took them nearly ten minutes to roll cookie dough onto three sheets and set them all in the industrial-sized oven that the DP owned because Mento is mad-rich like that.
"Cookies soon?" the kid asked eagerly.
"Ten minutes," answered NM.
"Plenty of time to…pretend we can actually put a dent in this mess," Mento pointed out. The two looked around hesitantly, but the light-eyed man was already carrying dishes to the sink and dampening washcloths to clean with. "Come on you two, you can fight villains like Animal Mineral Vegetable Man, but you're going to let this mess intimidate you? Hah, pansies."
"Are not," snapped BB, grabbing a washcloth and starting to wipe down the table that was caked about an inch deep in cookie dough, vanilla extract, and melted chocolate morsels.
"Are too," NM quipped, heading for the door.
"Get back here," his teammate called, throwing a cloth at his head and laughing. It was almost ten minutes later that the room was surprisingly close to being clean. It was no longer coated in flour or brown sugar and eggs, and one could walk along the floor without fear of sliding on dough. The three smiled in pride and thanks to animal instincts, Beast Boy's sense of smell picked up soon-to-be-ready cookie smells.
"Oh yeah, by the way, you didn't add any yeast," Negative Man called over his shoulder from the dishes he was cleaning. Mento looked up from the dustpan he had been sweeping debris into.
"What? You don't add yeast to cookies, dolt," he answered rolling his eyes but with no real venom in his voice.
"Yeah you do, otherwise they don't rise. Green Bean and I had to add it ourselves."
Rising, his face went blank. "Wait…you…added yeast?! Larry, cookies don't rise! At least they're not supposed to!"
"Huh?!"
"Hey guys," Beast Boy spoke up, he had been peering into the oven wistfully. "Are cookies supposed to bubble?"
"Oh, hell."
"Nice job," Mento sighed, leaping over, grabbing the child and jumping backwards just in time to save him from being crushed as the oven door flew open and a malicious-looking glob of half-baked cookie dough burst onto the scene.
"Mm, smell those baked goods," BB said, smelling the pleasant aroma.
"Goods? That looks pretty nasty to me," NM responded casting a weary eye to his friends as his captain set an un-harmed child down. His empty sockets roved back to the mass of sugar and yeast. As though it had heard his words, it suddenly bubbled more and flew at him.
"WHOA!" acting quickly, he cast out the Negative Spirit and sent it into some egg beaters lying nearby on the counter, sending them whirring and flying at the glob. The beaters sent it splattering around. Once it hit the ground it re-formed and jumped back into the oven for cover. "What…the…hell…?"
Ever fearless, Mento followed it and peered into the oven curiously. In a flash, he had leapt across the room, grabbing each teammate's arm and pulling them both back with him, his eyes glowing like blue fire.
Almost instantaneously, the oven barfed out more of the stuff than seemed physically possible and it began to fill the entire kitchen. "Woooow!" I've never seen cookies like this before!" exclaimed a thrilled BB.
"Wh-what do we do?" demanded NM.
"Doom Patrol—attack!" seemed to be the best answer Mento could form so spur of the moment. The three entered a grueling battle against the cookie dough of evil, and soon it retreated to the oven with a screech of defeat. In it's place on the cookie sheet was one giant cookie.
"Mm!" BB reached to eat it, both teammates slapped his hand away simultaneously. "Ouch! Meanies."
"So what now?" the meta-human asked flatly.
"We'll have to start from scratch," his friend answered, sighing.
"I meant with the cookie!"
"Oh, give it to me. I have an idea for later," he answered casually.
After they had gotten everything out and started again, they found making the dough much easier since they had just preformed the task. By the time the first batch was in the oven, the room was almost completely clean except for some neglected dishes in the sink.
"Not to sound weak-spirited, but I'm glad this endeavor is nearly over," the captain sighed, leaning back against the counter looking thoroughly exhausted.
"Oh, you missed a spot cleaning up," the sardonic man said, looking at his friend.
"Hm?"
Cupping his teammate's face in his wrapped hands, he brought their faces close together. "Yeah…you've got dough on your cheek," with that, he leaned down to lick a smear of sweet paste off his friend's face.
"E-eh?!" he asked, cheeks flushing and body tensing.
Beast Boy watched in interest. "Yaaay! My turn!" he exclaimed, using his spoon to fling a splotch of cookie dough onto the other side of his flabbergasted father-figure and yanking his arm so he could repeat the gesture.
"No!" Mento cried, pulling away. He was saved by the –DING! - of the timer. "Um…who wants cookies?!"
BB tried to burst into the oven without mitts, but NM stopped him and with supervision, he was allowed to take the tray out himself and set it down over the stovetop. "So, who wants first cookie?"
Both his friends looked at the baked goods uncertainly. They looked a little over-done. What was worse, anything could have gone wrong as it had the fist time. "Steve," NM spoke up, "you're the leader of our team. You should be more-than willing to die to protect us. Check to see if these are edible."
"You're right, I should be," he answered, picking one up. He proceeded to stomp on his friend's foot with all his might. The mummy jumped and opened his mouth, letting out a yelp of pain. Taking full advantage, Mento shoved the entire cookie into his mouth at once, smirking sadistically. "That doesn't mean I am."
"Mmf!" he choked a little, but forced the sweet down. "It's…good. A bit chocolate-y and sweet…you'd hate it, Steve. But Green Bean, you can eat these."
"Woo-hoo!" whilst the two had been fighting, he had pulled a carton of soy milk out of the fridge, and poured a glass. With that, he dove it.
"Well?" a still slightly-annoyed meta-human asked. "What did you think?"
"Absolutely never again," his friend answered straight forward, looking disdainfully at the chocolate chip nightmares below him.
XXX
She was feeling better, sitting up. She had finished the pitcher of water that had been left for her, and had even considered checking to see how her two teammates were making out (but had thought, fuck that! and stayed in bed). Rita decided it had been a good day considering the fever.
Now it was growing late…nearly dinner time. Sure cleanup took a while, but an entire afternoon for baking some simple cookies? Perhaps she had over-estimated Mento. Or under-estimated Garfield, she thought with a slightly guilty sigh. Just then, there was a knock at her door and she smiled as Beast Boy, Mento, and Negative Man entered with a plateful of cookies and a glass of orange juice.
"Ritaaaa!"
"How are you feeling, Sicky?"
"Look what we brought. I swear they're safe to eat."
She smiled. "Nice work. Thanks you guys, I really appreciate it. Did you have fun sweetie?"
"So much fun! I want to bake again with Larry and Mento!"
"We'll just see about that you little demon," Negative Man started, but Mento took his arm and led him out of the room, calling over his shoulder,
"Call me back if he becomes a nuisance."
"It's fine. I love you both!" she called graciously.
"You'd better," the cynical mummy continued with an irritated tone. "Oh, hey, I have a question for you."
"Little ol' me?" he asked good-naturedly, cocking an eyebrow. Now that comparative normalcy had returned to the household, he was much more relaxed.
"Yeah. What did you do with that original cookie-thing?" he asked curiously.
"Oh? That…" a smile that would terrify even Slade…even Satan…spread across his face. "Well…."
---The (Evil) Lair of the Brotherhood of Evil---
"Hey everybody!" called Mallah, "look what we got!"
"A gift?" asked Madam Rouge, looking with curiosity at the beautifully-wrapped box he held up. "Whose birthday is it? Who is that from?"
"There's no return address," the gorilla answered, yellow eyes roving over the box. "And it's no body's birthday. It just says 'to dear friends, please enjoy,'"
"Open it! Open it! Maybe it's cookies!" cried The Brain.
"Who sends cookies in a box?" the woman snapped at him, rolling her dark blue eyes.
"Apparently our secret admirer!" Mallah cried, holding up a giant cookie, eyes sparkling with glee.
"Yaaay!" his (very evil) teammates cried out. "W-wait…! What's going on?!"
"Ah! Bad cookie!"
"AAAHHHH!"
Hope you liked it! It may be a while before I can get another chapter up, but there'll be more strange adventures where that came from. You the reader can: tell me what you thought of the chapter in a lovely review, suggest any and every idea you have for them in a lovely review, or tell me your feelings about pairings in these chapters in a lovely review (there'll be plenty of RitaxMento too, don't worry!) Review what you think!