She's doing it again. Whatever it is. Flirting?Nah. Or is she? I don't know anymore. Besides, it's easier to pretend to be clueless.
She splashes some water on me and asks me if I want to join her in the pool. I consider it. It's definitely inappropriate. I think. She waits for my respond, giving me that smile. The smile she reserves just for me. I look around, try to buy some time. My eyes fall upon Jamie's little basketball hoop. Memories flash through my mind. Happy memories. Family memories. And Carrie isn't a part of that. At all. Suddenly she isn't as pretty as I just thought she was. I tell her to go see what Jamie is doing instead. That is why she's here. She's supposed to be looking after my son. She looks disappointed but gets out of the pool and goes inside again. I let out a deep breath. Close. Too close. Again.
"Hey, daddy?"
Jamie looks at me, excited.
"Yeah?"
"Me and Nanny Carrie are going swimming. Wanna come?"
He shows off his gorgeous smile. Someone else is smiling behind him too. Even wider. I force a smile to my face too.
"Sure, buddy. Why not?"
Jamie literally jumps over to the pool, overly excited. I follow them and watch her throw Jamie and then herself into the pool. Jamie laughs at her actions. I sigh watching the two of them interact. I'm strongly considering telling Haley about the weird vibes I've been getting from our Nanny lately.
And then it's probably bye bye Nanny Carrie. Jamie isn't going to take it well. At all.
"Daddy, c'mon get in!"
I sigh once again and throw my shirt to the ground, clearly noticing her checking me out. Whatever. Let her watch.
I play around with my son for a good half-hour, carefully avoiding eye-contact with Carrie. I am getting kinda tired of that now though. I throw him one more time and then decide that I've had enough and make Jamie get up too, explaining that he could catch a cold if he's in too long. He gets a little upset a first but quickly forgets about it when I suggest a game of NBA Live before dinner.
"Can I choose a team first, daddy?"
I chuckle slightly at this new-born excitement.
"Yup. But only if you don't take the Lakers." He pouts and folds his arms over his chest. "Fine. Take 'em."
I've never been able to resist that cute pout of his. It reminds me too much of Haley.
"Sweet!"
We start playing, both forgetting all about dinner. Until Carrie comes into the livingroom asking if we want any, that is.
"Um, yeah. Thanks."
I can hear her sighing, clearly annoyed that I didn't even look at her. I didn't even pause the game. Sometimes I'm so proud of myself.
We eat our dinner quietly. Even Jamie is quiet.
"So did anything cool happen at school today, Jamie?"
"Not really."
Silence.
"Well, what did you do?"
I try again.
"Just boring stuff. Can't you talk to them, daddy? My teachers? I want to play more basketball, not learn about letters and stuff!"
I laugh hard at that.
"But Jamie, you have to learn stuff in school too. Do you understand that?"
"Yeah, but why can't they teach me important things? Like how to do a slam-dunk or a free-throw? I wanna learn those kinda things, daddy."
I have to laugh again. My kid is just too adorable. And a lot like me.
"I admit that those things are important to know, Jamie. But other stuff is important too. You wanna be able to graduate one day right?"
"Yeah." He smiles hugely and looks up at me, deadly serious. "And I want to have a son on my graduationday, daddy. Just like you did."
Wow. I don't know how to react to that. Totally out of the blue. Well, it was the best day of my life, it really was. But do I want my son to have a kid at 18? Nah. So how do I answer this?
"That's really sweet, son."
I almost choked it out. God, didn't realize it made me all emotional. Carrie laughs a little. At me. I give her an angry look and start clearing the table.
"C'mon, Jim Jam. Time for bed."
"Where's mama? She's not even home yet, daddy. I don't wanna go to bed yet."
"She's with Peyton at her record label, you know that. Now c'mon."
We put on his PJ's, brush his teeth and look for monsters in his closet before he's finally in bed. I read him a story aswell. I secretly love that. There's nothing like it. Lying in bed with your son, feeling his tiny body pressed up against your own. Hearing his even breaths as he listens to your voice. I could lie like this all night. But little boys gotta sleep, so after two stories I kiss him goodnight and turn off the lights.
"Daddy?" His voice sounds so tiny.
"Yeah, buddy?"
"Do you think I will get a son on my graduationday?"
I can't help but smile at it again.
"Who knows, buddy. Who knows."
I kiss his forehead once again and then walk back down to the kitchen. Carrie is waiting for me. I think she is anyway.
"He asleep?"
"Yeah, almost anyway."
"That's good."
I gulp. What does she mean by that? Is it good that he's sleeping because it's quite late? Or is it good that he's sleeping because that means alone-time for Nathan and Carrie? I watch her closely. Wait for her to say or do something. She takes three steps closer to me.
"Oh my god, Nathan. What have you done?"
"What?"
This girl makes me nervous. I'm nervous of what she might do when I'm around. Or what I might do when she's around. Even worse.
"On your eye? It looks nasty."
I take a step back. Just in case.
"I have no idea what you're talking about."
"You have a nasty scratch on your eye. Here, let me look at it." She puts her hand up towards my face. I flinch. She pops an eye-brow. "I'm not gonna hurt you, you baby. Close your eyes."
I close them, slowly. I don't trust her. I do not trust this woman.
She moves one of her fingers slowly over my eye-lid. It's actually kinda nice. I don't remember the last time Haley stroke my face anyway. I do like it when she does that.
All of a sudden I can feel her lips brush mine and I hastily open my eyes again. I'm in complete shock. She kissed me? She actually just kissed me? Oh god. This is bad.
I don't know what to say. My head is spinning. She backs away from me. Bites her bottom-lip and tries to read my expression. I don't know whether to slap her or run away. She doesn't seem to go for it again though. Luckily. It feels like we're just standing there for hours. Suddenly she decides to leave me. Without another word, appearantly.
She walks past me, making sure to rub my arm as she walks by. I feel disgusted. I walk up to the fridge and pick up a bottle of water. Starts gulping it down. My head is still spinning. I start feeling sick. What have I done? I sit down at the table and put my head in my hands. I need to calm down for a second. Ugh.
"You okay, baby?"
Her beautiful voice reach my ears. I look up. Haley's home. My Haley. She's standing right infront of the table. Watching me closely. She looks worried. God bless her. I give her a fake smile.
"Yeah."
I get to my feet and she walks over to me. Hugs me. I immediately feel a little better.
"Good."
She doesn't look convinced though. I notice how tired she looks. It is quite late and she hasn't been home all day. I missed her. I decide to break the hug and say something. Something to get her mind off how I feel. She shouldn't worry so much about me.
"So, how was your day? I missed you."
"Oh, it was alright. I missed you too. Has Jamie been good to you?"
She starts heating up left-overs.
"Yup. As always."
"That's good." She turns away from the microwave and smiles at me. "Do you want me to put on some coffee for you, honey?" Man, I so don't deserve her.
"Yeah. Thanks."
We sit down at the table, just the two of us. She eating dinner, me drinking a cup of coffee. Just Nathan and Haley in the silence. Just Haley, Nathan and Nathan's guilt.
"So what was going when I got home, Nathan? Why were you down here looking as if you were sleeping? You know, you are allowed to go to bed without me."
She rubs my hand softly and smiles.
"I was just waiting. I guess."
I shrug. Do not want to talk more about that. Please. I might throw up.
"You're sweet. But you do look exhausted, Nathan. You sure you're okay?"
There you go Haley. Make me feel even more guilty. Ah, she can't help it. She is just that sweet.
"Yes, babe. I'm fine. Just tired."
"Me too. Can we please go to bed?"
I chuckle.
"Sure thing."
I lie awake in bed, multiply hours later. Still thinking about that kiss. Can't get it out of my head. Haley's asleep right here next to me. Lightly snoring. Just the way I like it. I still can't sleep. I'm gonna have to tell her. Even if that means that I won't ever get to hear her snoring at night again. Wow. That's a scary thought right there. Could become reality too. Ah, but I hate it when I keep things from Haley. It never ends well. I should tell her. It wasn't my fault. She should understand. I hope. Right? Jesus. I feel so pathetic. And lost. Maybe I should wake her up? Nah, she was really tired. I'll talk to her tomorrow.
"Mama?"
My son's tiny voice comes out of nowhere.
"Mama's sleeping, Jamie. Just like daddy's doing and just like you're supposed to be doing."
"But I want mama to kiss me goodnight."
Gosh, the poor boy sounds like he's close to tears. Probably is. Still, Haley's tired. She doesn't want to be awaken.
"Go back to bed, James."
He sniffles. I can see him over at the door, pleading with me. I drag myself out of bed. I'm so tired. What time is it, anyway?
"C'mon. Let's get you back in bed."
He refuses to move. I take his little hand in mine and force him towards his own bedroom. He starts crying.
"I wanna talk to mommy! Daddy, please!"
"Shush! It's late, James. Be quiet." Tears are streaming down his face. Ah, I hate this. Well I can't change my mind now. I have to be consistent. I pick him up and hug him. He refuses to be consoled. I sigh. Things were so much simpler when he was a baby. "Jamie? Jamie, listen to me. James." He looks up at my face. "Mommy wants to sleep, okay? She's tired. Just like I am. You can talk to her tomorrow."
His tears, which had made a pause, starts falling again.
"Daddy."
He pleads. He begs. He motions for me to put him down. He jumps up in his own bed again. He doesn't stop crying. I don't know what to do. Do I leave him now and go back to my own warm bed? I want to but I can't. I sit down at his bed instead. Quietly. I yawn. God, I'm tired.
After almost 10 mintues with no change I realize that I'm gonna have to do something.
"James, you're being ridiculous. What's going on?" Suddenly it hits me. He probably woke up from a bad dream and wanted to be comforted by his mother. Of course. "Did you have a bad dream, buddy?"
He slowly nods and looks up at me.
"There was a monster. He ate mommy."
Aw, poor kid.
"But mama's fine, Jamie. You just saw her. Nothing's wrong. Everything's okay. Do you wanna see her one more time before you go back to sleep?" He answers by throwing his arms around my neck and hold on tight. I carry him into our bedroom. "There. See? It's okay." He snuggles closer to my neck, suddenly very tired. I carry him back and dumps him on the bed. His eyes close immediately. "Night, buddy."
"Goodnight, daddy."
Finally back in my own bed. I get a dizzy feeling. That kiss. The flirting. Everything is just out of control now. I'm never gonna be able to go to sleep if I keep worrying about it. Go to sleep, Nathan. Sleep. I can't keep lying here. Gotta get up and do something. I sneak downstairs. Make myself some hot chocolate. I decide to see if anything's on tv. I flip through the channels. Just a boring reality show. An adult movie. Another adult movie. Some other movie with no sexual content. That'll do.
"Nathan. Nathan. Wake up, honey."
Jeez, I fell alseep? Haley's standing above me, just in her PJ's. It's darkness surrounding us. It can't be morning yet.
"What are you doing up?"
My voice is hoarse. I must have been sleeping for a while. She laughs a little.
"I was just going to the bathroom when I realized my husband wasn't lying next to me. What are you doing down here, Nathan?"
Shit. How do I explain not being in bed?
"Well, I couldn't sleep. So I figured boring tv shows would do it."
She sits down next to me. Brings a hand up to stroke my cheek. Runs her fingers through my hair.
"And why couldn't you sleep?" I close my eyes. Enjoying her company. Really appreciating her touch. It sooths me. She seems to take that the wrong way, though. "Is something wrong, Nathan?"
She stops what she's doing and is instead watching me intently.
"Nah, it's nothing. I wasn't really tired I guess."
She looks at me like I'm crazy.
"Are you kidding? You looked completly exhausted last night. You still do." I don't know what to say. I am exhausted. And she can, of course, see that. But I can't explain either. Not now. It's not the right time. I just shrug. She is looking really concerned now. "You're not getting sick, are you?" She presses her forehead to mine. I sigh. Can't she just stop caring so damn much? She's making the guilt eating me up from inside. "Well, you're not hot anyway."
She flashes me a smile, still looking a bit concerned. I smile too. Weakly.
"I am very tired now, though."
"Me too." She yawns. "Let's get back to bed, babe."
Jamie is messing around with his cereal. I'm eating my cereal. Haley's rushing through her cereal. It is just like every morning. Exept for Carrie, she's checking me out from behind her coffe cup. That's not usual. Or maybe it is? I push my bowl away from me, suddenly not so hungry. Suddenly nauseous.
"Daddy? Can't you pick me up from school today?"
Jamie is smiling at me. Clearly remembering that he told me to talk to his teachers.
"Your dad has to be at practice, Jamie. You know that."
"She's right, buddy. Sorry."
He pouts. I love that pout. It's cute. I smile at him and he pokes his tounge out at me. Well, I deserved it.
"I'm picking you up, Jamie. And taking you."
Carrie sounds like she won a prize or something. Really satisfied. Jamie looked excited again. What's so exciting about your Nanny taking you to school? She does it everyday. What's the big deal? They sure are close. Damn.
"Okay, I have to go. Be good, Jamie." Haley gives him a hug and a big, smacking kiss. I follow her out to the garage. She gets in the car but puts down a window so she can talk to me. "You be good too." She smiles and winks at me. I manage out a half smile. "And please get some rest before practice. I still think you look kinda sick, baby."
She gives me an air-kiss and waves before leaving. I watch her car go down the road and disappear. I'm dreading to go back inside.
"You look kinda sick to me too."
Carrie. She's here. Jesus. She is watching me.
"I'm okay. Are you and Jamie leaving?"
She nods. She really does look concerned. For real.
"That's probably a good thing too. You get to rest for a while."
I don't respond. We're just standing there in the silence. Again.
"I'm ready, Nanny Carrie!"
"Great, little man. Then let's go."
I tell my son bye and then head inside. Carrie was right. It was kinda nice with the peace and quiet. I yawn. Didn't get much sleep last night. Even after Haley came downstairs and soothed me. My head was spinning too much.
I remember that Haley told me to rest so I turn on the tv and fall back on the pillows. God, that feels good.
I wake up, god knows how long after I fell asleep, by splashing noices. I check the time. Still a couple of more hours before I gotta go. It's probably Carrie going for a swim by herself but I can't help but to get up. I walk outside. It's a nice day. No clouds, no wind, just the shining sun. She hasn't noticed me yet. That's always nice. I throw a look at her and realize that she isn't wearing a swimming suit. In fact, she isn't wearing anything at all! I quickly look away. But she heard my sudden gasp.
"Hello, you. Wanna join me?"
How dare she?
"What the hell is wrong with you!? Get out of the pool and put clothes on, Carrie! You're our freaking Nanny!" She giggles. I walk back inside, furious. That's it. I'm kicking her out. Maybe even literally. I pace around the kitchen, waiting for her to get her ass in here. After a few moments she enters. Wearing nothing but her bikini. She sits down at the table, waiting for me to say something to her. "What is your problem? Do you want me to fire you?"
She puts on that smile again. The smile I'm way too familiar with.
"But I thought you liked naked girls, Nathan? Huh? Don't tell me you don't because that would be a lie." I bite my bottom lip. She's making me nervous. As usual. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm not even angry anymore. "Are you gonna fire me?" Pause. "Are you?"
She's daring me to do it. I want to fire her but I realize that I can't. Jamie would be crushed, not to mention how I would explain it all to Haley.
She is waiting for my sentence. Just watching me pace around. I quickly shake my head and then get the hell out of there. I can't look at her any longer.
Just as I start up the car my phone starts ringing.
"Hello."
"Hey, baby. I was just checking in on you. Everything's okay?"
"Yeah, yeah everything's fine. I'm alright."
"Good. You really did look pale this morning. What are you doing?"
"About to head over to practice actually. Thought I'd come in a little early."
"Oh, okay. I need to go babe but take it easy, alright?"
"Yeah, I will. Don't worry about me."
"Okay, I won't. See you at home later. Bye, honey."
"Bye, Hales."
It felt good to hear her voice. I put the car in reverse and back out of the garage.
"What's going on, Nate? You're so absent."
Lucas. I was naive enough to believe that I would actually be left alone at practice. Whatever. He just cares about me I guess.
"It's nothing, Luke. I'm just kinda tired I guess."
He nods. Like he knew what was going on.
"C'mon Q! Get back on D! What are you doing!?"
And that was the end of Lucas's sympathy towards his brother. He cared long enough to ask anyway. Bless him.
I walk over to the bleachers and sit down. He actually looked over his shoulder for a second to see where I went. I half smile and he looks satisfied.
Q makes an awesome three-pointer from halfcourt and receive loud cheers from his coaches. Lucas and Skills that is.
"Yes! Awesome Q! I'm so proud that I could kiss you!"
"No, thanks. Coach."
Suddenly it's like someone poured a bucket of cold water over my head. Kiss. I could kiss you. I get ice-cold.
And then the nausea hit me with full force and I have to rush towards the nearest waste basket, my hand covering my mouth. The gym goes completly quiet as the assistant coach starts puking, 10 feet from the court.
Disgusting. Man, I feel horrible. I stay with my head bent over the waste basket, taking deep breaths. I feel dizzy. I can't hear them playing anymore in the background. They're all watching. Awesome. I have a horrible taste in my mouth. I might as well stumble out to a bathroom.
Without looking at anyone I slowly start walking out the gym, my destination being a bathroom. Wow. I caught a look of myself in the mirror. I do no look good. I'm pale as a ghost, sweaty. Ugh.
I'm washing my mouth and face as Luke walks in. He leans towards the wall behind him, arms folded.
"I'm just kinda tired I guess?"
He's actually smiling. I'm not.
"Leave me alone."
"I thought you looked pale earlier. You're going home. If any of my players catch anything...!"
"Don't worry about it. I'm going home."
"Good. We do have a game tomorrow." He is smiling a little more sympathetic now. "Feeling better?"
"Not really."
I still have to tell Haley. And that's what is scaring the shit out of me.
"Sucks, man. Well, listen. I called Haley."
He did what!? I look at him, shocked.
"Chill, dude. I don't want you driving in your condition. Besides, Haley's right here. At the school. It's not like she has to travel day and night to get here. She should be here like right now."
Thank you, Lucas. I owe you one. Not.
"Whatever."
He gets serious.
"I should continue practice. But just stay in here and I'll send Haley in to you. We don't want you...Eh, whatever."
He squeezed my shoulder and disappeared.
I start feeling sick again, thinking about Haley. I have to tell her. Like right now. The thought of telling her makes me feel like puking again. Ugh.
I take deep breaths. Bow my head down over the sink. My legs are shaking under me. Hell, my whole body is trembling. I decide to sit down. I slide down the wall and put my head in my hands. Close my eyes. After a few more deep breaths I don't feel as nauseous anymore. I put my head up against the wall instead.
Haley pops up just a couple of minutes later. Walking into the bathroom, a worried expression on her pretty face.
"Hey, you." She whispers, sitting down next to me. "Aw, you don't look good at all. Poor you."
She takes my hand, rubbing circles with her thumb. I close my eyes. Start to take deep breaths again.
"You feeling sick again?" I nod. She stands up, dragging me up with her. "You don't want to throw up on the floor, do you?"
I close my eyes. Fight to keep the nausea away. Shake my head lightly as a respond to her question. Then I can't fight it any longer. I rush into one of the booths and start puking, once again. I fall down to my knees, gripping the toilet hard. I can't help it. Tears start streaming down my face. The more I throw up, the more tears start to fall. I can't hear Haley at all. She's probably just standing out there. Waiting. Hearing.
When I'm done I don't get up. The tears don't stop falling either. I resume on my spot on the floor, tears falling, still gripping hard onto the toilet. I don't have the strength to get up. I don't want to either.
"Nathan?" She's speaking softly, knocking on the door. I don't move. She opens the door. "Aw, baby." She kneels down and rubs my back. "C'mon let's get you home. C'mon get up." I don't want her helping me so I slowly stand up on shaky legs. I wipe away my tears before I turn around to face her. "You look terrible, honey. Do you think you could make it out to my car?" I skake my head. I need to talk to her first. We're not leaving until I've told her. "Okay." She wipes away some sweat trickling down my face. "I'll go get Luke. He can help out."
"Don't."
I plead with her. I sit down. I'm so shivery.
"Nathan, we have to go home. He can support you better than I can."
"Please."
I'm whispering now. She gives in. Sits down next to me again.
"Do you think you've gotten the stomach flu?"
"No."
She looks a little surprised with my answer but decides to leave it.
Silence.
I'm closing my eyes again, preparing myself to tell her. She's just humming softly, rubbing my thigh. Okay. This is it.
"Hales."
Was that my voice? It sounded more like Jamie's when he has done something bad. Guilty and tiny.
"Yeah? You feeling sick again?"
She's looking alarmed. That's my Haley. Always prepared.
"No. It's just..."
I grow silent again.
"What's the matter? You can tell me everything." She's making this so hard for me. I can't do it. Can't. I can't even look at her right now. I look away, look everywhere but on her. "Nathan? Has something happened?" She frowns. Clearly annoyed and puzzled because I won't look at her. "Babe?" She grabs my chin and make me look at her. "You can tell me everything, Nathan. Talk to me. I love you."
That's it. Those three little last words did it for me. I can't control my emotions anymore, tears start forming in my eyes. I try to turn my head away from her but she refuses to let go of my chin. She slides her hand up to my cheek instead, cupping it.
"Talk to me. Please. What's wrong?" A few tears find their way down my cheeks. She wipes them softly away. Kisses me where they just fell. I just stare into her eyes. She stares into mine. "Did you do something bad?"
It doesn't sound accusing, it's just a simple question.
"Carrie..."
I choke it out. Her name. Just saying her name makes me sick.
I could feel her pull back a little bit. She stopped stroking my cheek too.
"Carrie what?"
I can feel my cheeks burning. I hope she doesn't notice how embarrassed I am. I start feeling sick again too. I must have changed from my regular color back to pale again because now she's looking at me and understanding that I'm going to be sick. She nods towards the booth, her expression asking if I need to go there again. I shake my head no, making sure to look determined. She calms down and let out a deep breath.
"Carrie what, Nathan?"
"She's been flirting with me and yesterday she kissed me. I also caught her swimming naked today before I left." I say it all in one breath and very quickly. Guiltily. Almost whispering. Hoping that she didn't catch all of it. She looks as if I slapped her. So she did hear all of it. "Haley?" She is still looking at me like I told her her mom died or something. Shocked. Hurt. Confused. Upset. "Hales?" My voice is pleading with her to listen to me. She stands up. Starts pacing around. Doesn't say anything. "Haley, please listen to me."
"Excuse me what? She did what? You did what?" She stops right infront of me. I hang my head. Don't look into her eyes. "Nathan! I'm talking to you. What the hell has been going on?"
I put my head in my hands. I feel ashamed. Humiliated even. How could I let it get this far?
"I don't know what to say. I'm sorry, Haley. I'm so sorry."
My voice broke. I don't care.
"Sorry? You're sorry? That's great, Nathan." I look up because I can her that she's crying. I'm pretty sure tears are coming down my cheeks too. "God, Nathan!" Sniffle. "Why?" Sniffle. "Why didn't you tell me?" More sniffles. I just sit there. I can feel the burning, hot tears streaming down now. I can't help it.
"Haley."
I can barely say it. My throat is too thick. I feel like I can barely breathe.
"Don't. Please. I just...Let me be alone."
And with that she walks out.