I woke by the screaming of my mom, "MADELINE GET YOUR LAXY ASS OUT OF BED YOU HAVE TO GET TO SCHOOL I ALREADY TOLD YOU A HALF AN HOUR AGO TO GET UP NOW GET OUT OF BED!!!!" I realized that I had fallen back asleep after my mother had told me to wake up, I do that every morning I put on my glasses then rest my head on my pillow and sit there for about 5 minutes, sometimes I fall asleep again and sometimes I decide it's time to get up.
I looked at my alarm clock, 7:00 AM, "SHIT!" I shot out of bed, quickly putting on something that was lying on my floor, Black skinny jeans, with my favorite rainbow studded belt still hanging from the loops, a black t-shirt and a dark green TMNT zip-up sweatshirt. I ran upstairs, avoiding my mom I could tell she wasn't in a good mood, she had worked all last night and wasn't too thrilled she had to stay up longer waiting for me to get out of bed. I went to the bathroom opening cupboard that held my make-up. I took out black since it was easier than my usual oranges and greens. I spread deep smudges on my eyelids with the eye shadow, and then proceeded with my eyeliner, drawing thick dark lines along the edges of my eyelids not working on details. I checked over my work in a mirror and decided I looked decant then combed out my hair, I had no time to straighten the hideous mess of waviness so I pinned my bangs up with my favorite bow, it was rainbow, I had gotten it from hot topic.
I ran to the front door grabbing my book bag/purse/life, I carried this bag with me everywhere it had some of my most prized positions in it, this wasn't much, just a small keychain with a pink and green elephant on it that my girlfriend/best friend stole for me from Clairs, and a Japanese English dictionary that I got for 8 bucks at a half priced bookstore.
Once I put my bag's long strap around my head to rest on my shoulder I ran out the door only to see my bus driving away without me, it wasn't that big of a deal I didn't live to far from school but I was in no mood to ride by 32 year old granny bike to school, it wasn't exactly 'in style'.
I ran to my garage door and pushed up on it, it moved up with ease it was broken and just about anyone could get in, I hopped on my bike and raced off to school.
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My name is Maddie; this has been my life for a long time now, the rushed fatigued style of doing things. I have suffered of Major Depression since I was potty trained. When I was three I watched as my birth dad raped my oldest sister, I watched him ravish her body every night for a very long time, until it was my turn, for 4 years I hoped and prayed every night that my dad would not come into my room looking for an easy release from a hard day's work. The day I turned seven he got arrested, it was the best birthday present I ever got.
My mom got remarried when I was nine, everything was perfect until they got sick of each other and got a divorce, they recently got re-married but they were still not very close and there was a lot of yelling.
I'm only thirteen, in eighth grade, and already I have lived one of the hardest lives anyone should have to experience.
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I got to school on time, much to my own amazement. I put my bag in my locker and took out a three ring binder filled with a notebook my passport (it's like a daily planner you write in it what you did in each class, your teachers write out passes for you in it if you need to go to the bathroom during class or something like that, and it's a huge requirement) homework and a mechanical pencil, then I walked to class.
I went to each class and did exactly what I did every other day:
Homeroom I would read a book. Math I would goof off with a few of my friends and try to make my teacher as angry as possible, we all hated him because he was old and senile. Reading I would sit and do absolutely nothing. Geography I would do the same thing I did in reading class. Lunch I would eat a lunch that consisted of water and a bag of chips that I would buy at the snack bar, and have my friends ask me about who I would rather have sex with, "Mr. Axtman or Jessica's Mom?" Gym I would make sure not to dress into my gym clothes and follow as few of the rules as possible. Science I would Do exactly what I did in math. Band I would play my clarinet as quietly as possible and try not to get called on or noticed by the teacher.
I did this every day in school awaiting the bell that signaled our freedom for the rest of the day, and when it rang I was happy to leave, I usually wouldn't go home after school, that was one place I hated more than school.
I went to my girlfriend's house, and when I got there she greeted me with a welcoming kiss. She had been waiting for me to get there and was obviously happy to see me.
"So, whatcha wanna do today?" she asked
"Well I did have something in mind" I answered with an evil smile on my face, I dug inside my bag and pulled out a long red balloon, the kind you use to make balloon animals with.
"Oh my GOD, no way you remembered!" she screamed, referring to a conversation we had had the day before about her wanting to make balloon animals.
"Well of course I did what kind of girlfriend would I be If I didn't!?" I began blowing up the balloon, stopping when there was about two inches still left at the tip. I tied the end and began creating something. I twisted carefully in all the right places along the thin balloon. It took me only a minute to finish my masterpiece and when I did Rachel's face lit up so beautifully it made my heart race.
"A PUPPY!!!"Rachel screamed, "What are we going to name him?"
I thought about her question for a second then it came to me, "How about Cornelius?"
"Sir Cornelius!" she declared, and it was settled, our red balloon puppy was now dubbed Sir Cornelius!
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Then next day came around and I played then same routine, I slept in late and missed the bus leaving myself with having to, yet again, ride my bike to school.
I followed the same schedule as usual and when time came for the bell I was eager to hop on my bike and get to Rachel's house. When I got there I was happy to find that one of my best friends, Kevin, was there along with Rachel.
"Hey look what the cat dragged in" he said as I walked through the door, He was such an ass at times but he had been my very best friend since childhood, and I loved him like a brother.
"Yeah same to you, Bitch!" I said back to him before giving my beloved girlfriend her 'hello' kisses.
"Maddie you'll never guess what Kevin did this time!" she said, a little anger in her tone.
"Do I want to know?" I asked cautiously.
"He popped Sir Cornelius!!" She cried as she held up a very flat Cornelius.
I could feel my face heat and my blood pressure rise, "DAMIT KEVIN! THAT WAS A TOKIN OF OUR LOVE!!" I ran at him and tackled him without thinking twice about how badly I could hurt him. I smacked him on the face hard.
"Ow!! That actually really hurt!" He whined.
"I don't give a damn, that's what you get for murdering Cornelius, he was only an infant. We should hang you for your crime!" I told him.
"Ha ha Kevin you got a big red hand print on your cheek!!" laughed Rachel.
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Everyday was like this one, almost. I would get up go to school then go to Rachel's house, every once and a while Kevin would be there too, we were best friends and we had known each other since birth!
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The next day when I got to Rachel's house, Kevin was there again.
"Maddie!!" Rachel greeted as she ran to me hugging me and giving me a warm kiss, "Guess what Kevin is having a party tonight, you wanna go with me?"
"Sure, it's one more thing keeping me from going home!"
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We got to Kevin's house there were a lot of people there despite the fact that he lived in a trailer park. People were spilling out of the lawn and in the street. We walked inside, in the biggest room in his trailer there was a long table set up with some punch and stacks of plastic red cups.
We walked to the table, and I poured two cups with the punch even though there was two cages, but we didn't want to drink any alcohol tonight. I took a sip of mine it tasted strange not like normal punch.
"I guess Kevin spiked it with rum" I said much to my own disappointment.
"Oh well I've always like rum punch!" was Rachel's answer
I looked around the small house and noticed that people were passing around joints of marijuana and some kinds were even snorting cocaine in a corner. I took Rachel's hand and led her over to the small group of druggies and we joined in.
We didn't spend too much time there, just enough to feel relaxed and keep conscious of our surroundings.
"Come on Maddie lets go somewhere quiet!" Rachel whispered in my ear, I knew where she was going with this. I took her hand and led her to Kevin's room, I opened the door and there were four couples already lying in various sides of his room half naked making out. I then led her to Kevin's parent's room, there was a sign on it saying it was off limits to all partiers, it was written in Kevin's handwriting so I didn't care. I opened the door and the room was empty, we walked in and sat down on the big queen-sized bed, it was a water bed, this made things more fun!
I kissed her passionately, resting my hand on her shoulder. We kept up a slow rhythm with our lips, moving in sync with each other. I opened my mouth slightly and she followed, I slid my tongue into her mouth, this was a well known feeling to me I knew this part of her being the most.
We did this for a while, adding a few moves, hands under shirts inside bras, fists full of hair. We proceeded in doing what the four other couples where doing right now in Kevin's room.
This was the second time we did this together, both times in Kevin's house. Both times beautifully mind blowing!
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I woke up the next day with a hangover; I didn't drink a lot of the punch but mixed with some M.J. It created one hell of a migraine. I woke up on time and proceeded in my usual routine. I finished with time to spare so I ate breakfast, a bowl of cocoa puffs. I walked out the front door, my bag over my shoulder, and waited for the bus.
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After school I went to Rachel's house again. I walked in and was greeted by Rachel's mother.
"Hello Maddie, Rachel's in her room!" I walked to her room and opened the door, she was sitting on her bed listening to our song, Hands down by Dashboard Confessional.
"Hey you!" she greeted. I walked over to her and sat down on her bed next to her.
"I found something at school I thought you might like it!" I handed her a pen, "Read what's on it!"
She looked at it "Dons Circle Shop?!" she said as she began laughing.
"I knew you would like it!" I said as I kissed her softly.
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I got home and went straight to my room looking at my alarm clock to see what time it was, 5:00PM, good I wasn't late or anything it seemed later than that to me.
I sat at my computer until midnight playing an online game called dragon fable, and then I sat in bad and read a book, until I heard a knock on my window. I got up and walked over moving the shade away to see Rachel kneeling next to it with tears running down her cheeks. I quickly opened the window and let her in.
"What's wrong love?" I asked
"My parents found out about Kevin's party and they know that I'm going out with you! And they said I'm not allowed to see you anymore!!" she cried as she hugged me tightly. I could feel my face fall as I listened to her words. I hugged her rubbing her back reassuringly, this was no time to break down myself I had to let her know it would be okay.
"It's going to be okay Rachel you'll be fine, we'll get through this together!" I whispered in her ear, I took her over to my bed and we sat there for a few hours hugging and crying together.
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A week passed and I hadn't gone to Rachel's house at all, but every other night she would show up at my window. Last night she had told me that both her parents worked until late and that I could come over after school, so that's exactly what I did.
I got off the bus three stops before mine; the stop was on Rachel's street. I ran to her house anxious to see my girlfriend. I got there and she opened the door, she didn't look very happy.
"What's wrong?" I asked worried.
"Nothing, come on I have to show you something" She said as she led me to her room, when we walked in she picked up a notebook that had most of it pages torn out. It was a notebook I had given to her that I decorated with stickers and wrote a note on the back for her. There where only 6 pages left.
"Why are you giving this to me Rachel?!" I asked more worried than before, I needed to know what she was up to.
"I filled it, I used at as a diary and I filled it, I want you to have it, I left a note for you in the back explaining…"
"Explaining what?!" I yelled
Just then she pulled a gun out from behind her and shot herself in the head.
"RACHEL!" I screamed as I caught her body falling with it. What had she just done?! How could she do this to me?!!?!
"NO, RACHEL!!! WHY?!?!?!" I screamed as loud as I could. I pulled her body close to mine hugging her close hoping this was all a dream. Tears had begun spilling from my eyes running down my cheeks wetting the shirt Rachel was wearing. Blood flowed freely from the wound in her head, spilling onto my hands, my shoulders, and my face. I couldn't stop my tears, I had to call someone, I ran to a phone and called 911.
"HELP ME MY GIRLFRIEND JUST SHOT HERSELF!!! YOU NEED TO SAVE HER!!" I screamed, they asked me questions like where I was and if she was still breathing. They told me to calm down and said and ambulance would be there soon.
I hung up and waited by the bloody corpse of my beloved. I heard a siren and ran to the door opening it, and ambulance parked in the road and men ran out of the vehicle. I lead them to Rachel's room and they inspected her body, they said nothing as they lifted her limp body into a body bag zipping it closed. I cried harder now, and one of them comforted me quietly.
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I waited in one of the seats by the front doors of the hospital and cried silently to myself, until both of Rachel's parents came in through the doors worry on both their faces. They walked to the front desk and talked to one of the women there, her father cried silently, and her mother wailed, she then looked at me with tear stained cheeks.
"YOU!!! I BLAME THIS ON YOU!!!!" She screamed as she pointed her finger in my direction, she walked towards me yelling horrible things, I began crying harder and I hid my face from the woman, she looked as if she was about to hit me when to security guards came running and stopped her.
How was it my fault she was the one who said Rachel couldn't see me anymore she was the one who was too protective and drove Rachel into depression! How could this stupid bitch blame this on me?!?!
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I found out that the notebook Rachel had given me was her suicide note to me, there were 5 pages front and back filled with some of the journal entries she wanted me to read, the last page read:
Maddie, I'm sorry I ended my life this way, I'm sorry that I caused you so much pain! But my wishes were to see you last, if it wasn't your face that I left with I would have had so many regrets. This was the journal you gave me! I ripped out a lot of the pages because I only wanted to leave you with the good stuff. You need to know that I love you! I love you VERY VERY much! I'll be waiting for you, so live your life… Grow old and move on! Kevin told me that you didn't want to be a lesbian your whole life, he said that you wanted to fall in love with your prince charming. Now you can do that! But you're not allowed to think that all this is your fault or Kevin's fault because he told me this a long time ago!! You cant think this cause Kevin also told me that you would much rather live the rest of your life with me that a guy! But still… I love you… MOVE ON!!!!!
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So I did!