Title: Rigging the Hardrive
Author: Tweekerz (formally known as Sesshyfanchick)
Rated: T
Pairing: ComputerxDib CRACK PAIRING WARNING.
Summary: Dib starts to like having his little encounters with Zim's Computer. WARNING: CRACK PAIRING. Slash. Computer/Dib.
A/N: Okay, this is purely crack. I've been known to slash many strange things, and this is just one of them. I've been taking a liking to Computer—hm. Enjoy this cracktastic fic. PLEASE NO FLAMES.
Rigging the Hardrive
/What are you doing?/
Dib gasped and nearly dropped his spy camera, clutching it to his chest in a meager attempt to preserve his pride. He shakily threaded his fingers through the soft black tufts of his hair and warily turned around, dropping his arms to his side. Amber optics hurriedly scanned the vacant premise of Zim's lab, before grimly realizing that he had forgotten to take Zim's computer into account. Dib pinched the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger, a breathy sigh escaping from his parted lips.
"Great, just great," Dib muttered to himself, kicking at an invisible speck of dust. In his rush to sneak into Zim's lab, he had unfortunately failed to remember Zim was equipped with an intelligent talking computer. Who the hell forgets that? "Stupid, stupid, stupid."
/…/
Dib tilted his head awkwardly and fiddled with the tapered hem of his shirt, looking up once again at the looming computer monitor just a little ways ahead of him. The screen was quite blank and radiated an eerie, luminous white light- so bright in fact that Dib had to squint. The faint crackle and hum of static permeated the atmosphere, alien wire and tubing laced about the monitor like Christmas decorations, and Dib had to fight the urge to shiver.
Sometimes Zim's lab was creepy.
"Um, Computer?" Dib started pathetically, the tone of his voice tentative. He peered up at the thing and shifted his weight. "Could you like, not mention this to Zim by any chance?"
/-sigh- Why?/
Dib stared up at Computer dumbfounded, not at all eager to supply an answer. There was a simple response to the question, an answer that would require a plethora of elongated speeches on Dib's part, however the young investigator didn't really feel like elaborating the details: he just wanted to plant this last spy camera and be on his merry little way. Maybe if he got done quick enough, he'd be back in time for Mysterious Mysteries 4.0. He hoped Gaz wouldn't decide to be a douche this time and cancel his scheduled recording.
/I'm waiiiiiiiiiting./
Dib bit at his lip. "Um, because…because I don't want him to know?"
/I've heard better./
"Because it would be bad if he knew?"
/Try again./
"Because if he knew, he'd rip out all my cameras and my mission to save the Earth would be ultimately thwarted?"
/Hmm. Plausible./
"So, are you gonna' let me slide?" Dib asked meekly, shuffling his feet about the ground. The tip of his boot accidentally skidded across a strewn taco wrapper. Dib's fingers practically gouged into the hard surface of his spy camera, hoping beyond hope that Computer would let him get away with it.
Just this time, just this one teensy-weensy time—.
/Get out Dib./
The teen let out a lengthy groan of "awwww man" and dejectedly hung his head, shooting a feral glare up at the computer monitor. He clutched the camera to his side and swiftly turned around, heading back the way he came.
He halted.
"Hey, y-you know my name?" Dib asked quizzically, bemused.
Computer ignored him.
It had been a week since he had last been here.
Dib stood awkwardly outside Zim's front door, rolling his eyes at the toilet placard still hanging crudely from a dingy nail poking out the door. Really, hadn't anyone found the placard strange after all these years? The teen sighed and shook his head, running the palm of his hand down the length of his face: the people he was forced to mingle with were entirely too stupid and ignorant for their own good, so no, of course they wouldn't have found the sign outlandish.
He quickly shot a glimpse at the deactivated lawn gnomes behind him, smirking at his handy-work—a little electric jolt to their internal wiring was all he needed to shut them down long enough for him to make it through the front door.
If he was even going to get inside, that is.
Dib sighed, straightened his shoulders, and promptly rung the doorbell. He knew no one was home, had planned it that way, for Zim and Gir were both on another outing to the local pharmacy to purchase a month's supply of paste, but he had hoped that maybe something else would let him in. After a moment's worth of silence, static churned the air and an audible garbled clip followed after.
/Whaaaaaaaaaaat?/
Dib choked. "C-computer?"
/…/
Dib chose the pungent silence as an opportunity. "Hi, it's me again. Could you let me inside please?"
/What for?/
"I want to ask you something," Dib began, clasping his hands together.
/Nope./
"I swear, I just want to ask you a question!" the teen placated, throwing his hands in front of him as an indication of submission. He gulped as he hastily thought up of a way to phrase what he needed. "Please, I just want to ask you something, and as soon as I'm done, you can kick me out! Deal?"
/-sigh-/
"Is that a yes?" Dib pleaded, biting at his lip. He heard a tumult of clicks and clacks resound from behind the door, and in a matter of seconds, the door flew open and Dib was left to stare at the eerie innards of Zim's house. With a flush to the face, Dib hastily meandered in. The door shut with a rigid click behind him.
The inside of the house looked the same as it did the last time, the linoleum flooring still covered with a thick coating of grime, courtesy of Gir, however oddly enough, Dib found that the rest of the place smelt sterile and clean, like a hospital. The teen grimaced—he loathed the smell of hospitals, they always tend to make him anxious.
/Okay. What's your question?/
Dib was startled from his musings by the staticy clip of Computer's voice module. The CP's tone sounded decidedly bored and lethargic, which Dib wondered at—how could a computer get bored? It had the entire Internet at its fingertips and could easily access a wealth of knowledge in a nanosecond, and of course, it was alien machinery. Dib straightened himself and peered around him, hoping to come across something he could actually converse with.
"I can't see you," Dib muttered, crossing his arms over his chest. "It's a bit awkward just speaking to the air."
/Don't you do that all the time?/
"Well, I wouldn't if—hey! That was uncalled for!" Dib huffed, looking up at the ceiling in hopes of spotting a hanging computer monitor. He heard the computer sigh to itself, an expression so bored-sounding that it made Dib yawn, and in a split second a ceiling tile swiftly slid open and out slithered a sizeable computer monitor attached to a jointed alloy bar, the screen glowing an eerie white.
/Is this better?/
Dib shifted his weight. "Uh yeah, actually, it is thanks. So anyway…"
/Hm?/
As the teen struggled to speak, he felt a blooming heaviness settle firmly at the base of his throat. He didn't quite know why he was so hesitant to say it, but it seemed his nerves were getting the best of him.
"First of all, um, thanks for not telling Zim that I snuck in," Dib started, his voice tapering at the end. "I mean, I assumed you didn't because he didn't rant at me in school the other day and stuff…well yeah, thanks I guess."
/Hn./
He was grateful that the computer had failed to mention his little reconnaissance mission to Zim, and later that night when he had returned home from the little encounter with the computer, Dib couldn't help but wonder why it had called him by his actual name, instead of the usual "human" or "Big-Head-Boy". He had never really spoken with the thing before, never really had any encounters with it besides the one last week, and they were hardly on friendly terms—if a computer could even be sociable.
/You were going to ask a question?/
"Oh yeah!" Dib quickly replied, licking his lips. "The other day, you called me by my name…why?"
/…You should leave now. Zim and Gir are on their way over. They forgot to bring money with them./
"What?" Dib questioned. He never got to voice any of his projected protests, for a slithering cable meandered its way down from the ceiling and wrapped around Dib's wrist, further ushering the boy towards the front door. The wire tubing felt cold and smooth against Dib's skin, and he couldn't help but let an unintentional shudder course through him.
The door swished open in a fluid motion and as soon as Dib set foot out the door, the cable unwound from his wrist and slinked back into the ceiling. Before he knew it, another computer monitor retracted from somewhere beyond the front door and halted inches away from the human's face, the monitor glowing an uncanny white. Dib could practically feel the heat radiating from the screen, tinting his cheeks a rosy red hue, before Computer's voice module trilled.
/Next time./
And the door slammed shut.
A/N: I'm not really sure if I should continue this one-shot and make a series of Computer/Dib one-shots. I hope I've converted someone.
Anyway, review and tell me what you think. If you're into this kind of stuff, should I continue? I KNOW THIS IS CRACK, JUST DEAL.