5/17/2013 - Greetings, martians.

Just thought I should clean up this sparkly little monster.

R&R!

A Very Sparkly Interview

THE FORKS POST
Sex Crazed Vampires Ruling the Nation?
By: Angela Bryce

On the third of March, my editor (the lovely Ms. Hastings) have me the most glorious task of interviewing the Cullen's. At first I thought it was merely some sick joke she was trying to play, but then I realized the seriousness of my assignment. After giving her an exasperated look, she told me that everyone at the paper had downright refuse to do. I didn't blame any of them, of course. Who in their right mind would want to?

But I was quite upset the task had been dumped on me. So, I suppose I should mention that I definitely do not want to be here.

Now, I am sitting (quite reluctantly, I may add) with all of them, the "perfectly beautiful" Cullen Clan. I'm looking at them with complete and utter disgust. On the right, is Carlisle and Esme, deeply staring into each other's eyes, never leaving their gaze. And the rest, well. How do I put this nicely? They're all—Rosalie, Emmett, Alice, Jasper, Bella, and Edward—sucking their respected partner's faces. Frankly, it was a horrifying sight.

And then there's little Jacob, sitting awkwardly in the corner of the room... petting his beloved Nessie.

I clear my throat in a rather Umbridge-y manor, and everyone jumps up looking ready to pounce. Perhaps—eat me? I hold my hands up, and say, "Are we ready to start the interview?" They nod.

Me: *sighs* thank you for giving me the opportunity to interview you. I know you all like to stay clear from the press.
Everyone: *they merely nod again, their eyes never leaving my own*

Their awkward staring succeeds in freaking me out, and I can't resist asking;

Me: You're not going to eat me, are you?
Everyone: *shakes their heads*
Carlisle: We're vegetaaaarrrriiiiaaannns.

I'm getting the sense that Carlisle is high. Well, that does explain the smell...

Me: Right. Well, we're just going to to go down the line, and you'll tell me a little about yourself. The basics, of course, and something interesting—something that no one know's about you.

Normally I would've added something along the lines of 'if your comfortable with that' but I could really care less at the moment.

Me: All right then, Carlisle. You first.
Carlisle: The name's Cullen. Carlisle Cullen. And—
Jacob: Stop with the damn James Bond references.
Carlisle: *puffs, and then growls* shut up, Jacob. No one here except for Bella likes you. *mutters under breath* stupid dog!

I smiled.

I knew that this was going to happen—drama. And lot's of it. And as a journalist, this is exactly the kind of thing I wanted. I think it was that exact moment when I promised myself to record every single thing these strange creatures said.

Carlisle: Anyways, my name is Carlisle, and I'm a doctor. I give medication and save people lives—you know, regular 21st century doctor things—for a living. Isn't that just fascinating. And I'm married to this beautiful woman right her *gestures to Esme*. And well, yeah. That's about all there is to me.
Me: How about an interesting fact. A hobby, or—
Carlisle: I freaking love James Bond.
Me: Fascinating. What's your favorite movie?
Carlisle: Goldfinger.
Me: *nods* oh, that's a good one.

Even vampires like James Bond.

Wow. You learn something new everyday. Anyways, on to the next person.

Esme: I think it's, like, my turn to, like, shine, right interview person?
Me: Uh, it's Angela—
Esme: This is Esme time, like, stop talking. Anyways, like, my name is, like, Esme. But you already knew that that. Like, cool name, right?

When I don't reply, she freaks out of me.

Esme: *yells* RIGHT!?
Me: *I jump, and nod abruptly*
Esme: *smiles sweetly* Thanks! Anyways, like, I'm married to this, like SEX BEAST right over here. *purrs* love you honey *blows a seductive kiss*

Carlisle acts like he's "catching" the kiss, and smothers it onto his lips unattractively.

Esme: And like, one thing, like, that people don't know about me, like, is that, like, I am, like, totally addicted to playing Angry Birds. But, like, SHHH, don't tell anyone.
Me: *smiles awkwardly* I promise I won't say anything.
Esme: Like, thanks.

I'm shivering. I've never seen this personality in her... it's really creeping me out.

Me: And now you, Rosalie.
Rosalie: Grrr!
Me: Um, would you like to tell me a bit about yourself?
Rosalie: RAAARR!
Emmett: Sorry, she thinks that she's a dinosaur.

This family just keeps getting weirder an weirder.

Me: Okay, well then, on to you, Emmett.
Emmett: ... Hold on.
Me: Erm, okay.
Emmett: *takes out a mirror, and stares lovingly at himself. He fixes his already perfect hair. He puts the mirror down, but picks it up again after a mere ten seconds. Doesn't look back at me.
Me: ... Okay, then.

Umm.

Me: *I look beside Rosalie and Emmett, and see Bella and Edward. Alice and Jasper are no where to be found* where's Alice and Jasper?
Emmett: *distractedly, but calmly as if stating the weather* they went to the bedroom to go have sex.
Me: *shudders*

... No comment.

Esme: *whines* why do they get to go and have some fun! Like, I haven't any in like half an hour!
Everyone: *nods in agreement*
Me: Don't worry, the interview is almost over.

Well. I think that was the most frightening thing I have ever heard.

In my entire life.

Me: So Bella, tell us about yourself.
Bella: *stares blankly* EDWARD IS SOOO HAWT!
Me: Yourself, Bella, not Edward.
Bella: BUT HE IS SOO FREAKING HAWT! AND HE'S ALL MINE, SO YOU BETTER STAY AWAY FROM HIM!

Bella gets up, and tries to attack me. I run out as fast as I can. I never did get to finish that interview.

And I had so much more to ask. But, I suppose I'm glad I didn't. I'm definitely glad I didn't have to talk with the pedophile wolf. But I very much wish I could've spoken with Nessie. I still wonder what she thinks of her fucked up family. But... in the end I learned a lot about the Cullen family.

Each family member had a quality about them that made them... well, a Cullen.

Carlisle's drug problem and James Bond obsession. Esme's love affair with her herself, and of course, her annoying habit of saying 'like' every three seconds. Rosalie's a dinosaur... um. Emmett's obsession with himself. Bella's freaky attachment to Edward. And of course, the Cullen love for sex.

But the real message is... DON'T DO DRUGS, KIDS.

Actually, Forks, it's stay away from the Cullen's at all cost.

Angela out!

I hope you enjoyed this sparkly and educational parody.