Sleeping Smeghead

Beta read by VStarTraveler

Chapter One

"I can't believe that smegheaded coward would actually abandon us like that. What was he thinking?" Lister complained.

The small group had just returned to Starbug, minus one member of the group. They'd almost died when they were ambushed by a lone simulant and a quake. Rimmer, the slimy smegheaded cowardly goit, had been right behind the simulant and instead of hitting it with the boozokoid that was in his hands, he'd snuck past the simulant and run to an escape pod. Lister had watched in disbelief as his friend tripped through the doorway causing a racket that had distracted the simulant from the rest of the group, allowing them enough time to escape to Starbug.

"When we catch up to him, I'm going to wring his neck," Lister ranted.

"I say we leave him before he can catch up," Cat suggested. Cat was always suggesting to leave Rimmer behind; however, Lister knew that Cat would sort of miss Rimmer since he was the one who fed Cat the most often and told him the location of space weevil infestations.

"That is going to take a while, Mr. Lister, sir," Kryten told him. "I've connected with the escape pod and it doesn't have any manual controls. It is entirely automatic. It's designed to fly to the closest planet with a survivable atmosphere."

"So?" Lister asked.

"The closest planet is three years away for the escape pod. We are flying slower than the escape pod, it will take us even longer to reach Mr. Rimmer," Kryten replied.

"More than three years without flared nostrils? Can't we just leave him forever?" Cat asked with a huge grin.

Lister grinned. "It serves that smeghead right for abandoning us like that. He's going to be a mess after being alone for so long." Lister then turned to the cat. "As much as I would love to leave that smeghead behind at the moment, we can't abandon him even though he abandoned us first. Connect us through; I want to talk to him."

"We are connected through, Mr. Lister, sir," Kryten replied.

Kryten tapped away at the keyboard bringing the escape pod camera into view for Lister and Cat to see.

"Where is he?" Lister asked. "Rimmer man, you can't hide from us. We know you're in the pod. What a coward, not even talking to us and hiding on the edge of the screen."

"Oh dear," Kryten started typing away on the screen and tapping it.

Lister turned and looked at Kryten. That was his worry mode voice and he also had his worry mode expression covering his face.

"Kryten, what is wrong?" Lister asked.

Kryten did the high pitched squeak that told he was lying. "Nothing is wrong, Mr. Lister, sir."

"Kryten," Lister demanded again so Kryten knew that he wasn't joking and that he was going to get an answer.

"You're not going to like it, Mr. Lister, sir, and I promised I wouldn't tell anyone," Kryten replied. "Considering the circumstances at the moment, I can't avoid telling you. Oh, Mr. Rimmer is going to hate me when we find him."

"Tell me what?" Lister asked.

"Mr. Rimmer has had a stroke and is currently unconscious," Kryten replied looking sheepish. "I told him he needed to go on bed rest and avoid stressful situations and he goes and gets himself trapped in an escape pod on his own."

"Is he going to be alright?" Lister asked with concern. "He doesn't have any medical treatment at the moment."

"Are you saying that flared nostrils could die?" Cat asked, a grin plastered on his face.

"Mr. Rimmer will be fine; he's already starting to recover. The escape pod's medi-computer is treating him at the moment. It's more sophisticated than what we have on Starbug."

"Rimmer was on the verge of a stroke, you told him to avoid stressful situations and then you suggest that he comes with us when we go to explore the derelict when he wanted to stay behind!" Lister said in disbelief. "I'm surprised he didn't have a stroke as soon as we stepped foot onto the ship! Kryten, you should have allowed him to stay behind and not convinced him to come. If I had known how close he was to a stroke, I wouldn't have allowed him to come."

"Wait! Some new data is arriving. The escape pod has found a closer place with suitable atmosphere. Only six days away!" Kryten exclaimed.

"That's excellent news," Lister sighed in relief.

"Oh dear," Kryten said again. "The planet is through a time hole. It may only be six days to the planet but, because of the time difference, by the time we get to the planet, six hundred years will have passed for Mr. Rimmer."

"He's going to be dead before we catch up with him." Lister paled. "I can't live without Rimmer; he's my only friend. He's like a brother to me."

"What about me?" Kryten asked, upset Mr. Lister that didn't consider him a friend.

"You're my friend," Lister assured the droid. "But you're also like a parent to me." Lister didn't add that it was because he wasn't actually alive. The cat was alive but was not human so it also wasn't the same.

"Mr. Rimmer may not be dead when we get to the planet. The escape pod was designed for emergencies, it has a medi-com as you already know, enough food supplies to last for months, terraforming gear and a stasis pod. It's also supplied with books and movies to keep the survivor entertained."

Kryten started tapping away at the computer trying. "Oh blast my nut nipples, I didn't get a message to Mr. Rimmer's pod before we lost the connection."

"Does that mean he's going to be dead?" Lister asked. "What happens if he assumes we just abandoned him and doesn't go into stasis?"

Lister turned to Cat. "Don't you say a thing, I know you don't like Rimmer."

- Red Dwarf -

Eight days later they finally arrived on the planet. They stepped out of Starbug onto the lush green planet teeming with life forms.

"Is this really the planet Rimmer landed on?" Lister asked. "It's nicer than I thought it would be."

Lister and Cat watched as a chickens scratched around their feet. There seemed to be so many chickens. Other animals such as sheep, goats, cattle, pheasants, deer and fish were also seen nearby. There appeared to be other birdlife and bugs also around.

"Mr. Rimmer must have terraformed the planet with what was in the pod. It seems without natural predators that animals have been able to thrive."

"Cat, leave the chickens alone," Lister scolded. "We're here to find Rimmer."

"But I want to eat the little chickies," Cat complained, holding up a baby chick. None of the animals seemed to be scared of the people around them.

"If Rimmer has terraformed the planet, that means he must have survived his stroke," Lister said with a sigh.

"Yes, sir," Kryten replied.

"So where is he?" Lister asked.

"I'm detecting the beacon from this direction, sir," Kryten told him.

Lister followed behind, hoping that Rimmer had been smart enough to put himself into stasis. Cat was catching baby chickies and telling them how he was going to eat them. "I'm going to fry you and roast you and stir-fry you and ..."

"Cat, can you smell Rimmer at all?" Lister asked.

"I don't smell any of him, it's so nice. His smell is everywhere in the ship," Cat complained. "Just like your smell is everywhere. I can't escape no matter where I go."

Lister kept following after Kryten. It was eerie seeing farm animals in such a forest-like area. The stream that was running nearby was so peaceful to listen to. This would make a lovely planet to settle on if they chose to do so. It was plentiful in food, had a nice atmosphere and was in a safe section of space away from GELFs and simulants. It was impossible that they would ever find the Earth and finding the Red Dwarf was very slim. The only thing that would make living here perfect was if Rimmer was with him. He didn't want to lose his best mate and be the last human alive.

"Sirs, we have found the pod that Mr. Rimmer escaped in," Kryten told him excitedly. He knew that finding Mr. Rimmer would keep his favourite human happy. He'd been too mopey in the last few days and it hurt Kryten to see Mr. Lister like that.

"Well, where is it?" Lister asked, looking around, not seeing any sign of the life pod in which Rimmer was supposed to have crash landed.

"It's right through that thicket of trees and vines and shrubs and whatever else is in there.

Lister looked at the thick trees. "It's grown over the pod." Lister asked.

"Yes, sir," Kryten replied.

"We have to go in there?" Lister confirmed. He didn't like the look of the trees. They were old thick and very thorny. It reminded Lister all too much of some of the horror movies he'd watched. Looking around, none of the animals even came near this area. The chickens that the cat had caught were trying to get away.

"Yes, sir," Kryten once again answered.

"I don't smell flared nostrils that way," Cat responded. "We looked, he wasn't here, let's go back to Starbug. I'm having chicken tonight."

"How are we going to get through there?" Lister asked. It was apparent that they wouldn't just be able to walk through. It was simply too thick, and they'd get lost before they found the pod.

"I suggest the laser from Starbug. We should fly it to this clearing and blast our way through," Kryten told him.

They weren't very strong lasers. Lister wasn't even sure if they should be called lasers. They were drilling gear from when Red Dwarf had still been in operation.

- Red Dwarf –

The small group walked back to Starbug and then flew the short distance. Cat's chickens had escaped in the ship when they'd entered the cockpit. Lister was hoping that they wouldn't run off and die in the air vents. The last thing they needed was dead animal smell everywhere. It was bad enough when Lister forgot about one of his meals and found it weeks later stinking up the whole ship. Food didn't go to waste like that anymore. With limited food supply, nothing went to waste and everything was recycled, even the waste.

"Let's go and hope we don't kill Rimmer!" Lister exclaimed.

Cat grinned as they slowly hacked their way through the trees with Starbugs primitive gear. Finally, the stasis pod could be seen.

Through the cleared trees Lister walked to the pod. It was only thirty meters they had to walk but felt much further. Everything was dark and creepy and a little bit warm and singed from the laser. They'd been lucky that they hadn't set the thicket of trees on fire. That was the last thing they needed, to never know if they'd killed Rimmer or not by burning him to death. That would've torn Lister up and Kryten, too.

Lister opened the escape pod, unsure of what they would find but hoping that Rimmer was in the stasis pod and that it was working correctly. If it wasn't, they would never find Rimmer's body on this planet. It probably would've decomposed over the six hundred or so years that had passed.

He let out a sigh of relief when he saw the blinking light indicating the pod was active. Looking around everything else he could see had rusted over. Dust, leaves and insects were everywhere within the escape pod. Being on a planet with an atmosphere, it had not lasted the test of time, unlike the derelicts they came across in space. With no atmosphere, the only thing that seemed to have actually survived was the stasis pod and several sealed containers.

Lister ran over to the glass view window and smiled, Rimmer was in the stasis pod. He looked different than the last time Lister had seen him. Rimmer's hair was long and looked to be around his shoulders. Lister had never seen him with long hair before since he'd always kept his hair short. He assumed that it may be even longer if it was straight since his hair was in ringlets. His clothing the same and neat as always, but faded to show that time has passed and he'd been in the sun a lot during however long it had been. The left side of his face seemed to have a slight droop to it.

"Mr. Lister, sir," Krytens voice squeaked in that high octave he managed to do when he had news that he didn't want to upset Lister about. "Mr. Rimmer's vitals were, oh it's horrible. He died just before the stasis pod activated. I do however have some good news. There are two healthy life signs from the pod."

"He cannot be dead!" Lister insisted. "What other life signs?"

Lister didn't wait for an answer and opened the pod. Inside the pod was Rimmer with two babies, one on each side of him, tucked under his arms. As soon as the pod was active, they started screaming. Rimmer, however, remained still.

Cat covered his ears and walked out, not being able to stand the noise.

"He's not breathing," Lister said, his focus back on Rimmer.

He wanted to ask about the two babies. He wanted to know how long Rimmer had been on his own. Lister leant down and put his ear to Rimmer's chest. He didn't have a heartbeat either.

"He's still warm, Mr. Lister, sir, there is still a chance he will make it if we get him to Starbug in time," Kryten told him.

"He need's CPR," Lister told him.

"I'll just get my vacuum attachment, sir, in reverse; I can push the air back into his lungs," Kryten said to him.

Lister didn't think that would help Rimmer at all. If anything, it would cause his lungs to blow up and push air into other organs. He took a deep breath.

Rimmer had forced him to learn CPR when he first joined the Red Dwarf and started working on Z shift. Rimmer wanted to be certain that Lister could save his life if anything were to ever happen. After they'd both woke up from stasis, Rimmer had insisted that they both relearn CPR and do refresher courses every so often. At the time, Lister had thought it had been a waste of time and something to just annoy him. Now he was glad that Rimmer had insisted he learn.

Lister took a deep breath, pinched Rimmer's nose and pushed air into his lungs. He needed to keep air circulating in Rimmer's body and get his heart going again, pumping blood around his body. He didn't even hear the babies that were still screaming. The whole world around him just became himself and Rimmer. He didn't hear Kryten complaining and panicking in the background or Cat come back in telling him how disgusting it was that he was 'kissing Rimmer.'

The world only came back to Lister when Rimmer started breathing again on his own. He sighed in relief, Rimmer was alive, though not in the clear yet especially since he wasn't conscious. They would find out what damage had been done once they returned to Starbug. He wasn't sure if he should carry the two babies or Rimmer.

"I'll take Mr. Rimmer," Kryten told Lister. "My arms aren't designed for carrying something as delicate as tiny humans."

Lister picked Rimmer up for several moments to put him into Kryten's arms. He wasn't really designed to pick people up delicately.

Cat wrinkled up his nose. "They smell like you and flared nostrils."

"The babies are Jim and Bexley from the future echo's," Lister said in surprise. "How did Rimmer get them?"

"Did you sleep with him?" Cat asked.

"What? No!" Lister replied in shock. "Rimmer would never let me touch him, even when I was desperate. Besides, if we had slept together, we still couldn't have children together. He's not a woman."

"Are you sure?" Cat asked. "Sometimes he acts like a woman: the needy, clingy type, not the sexy type. Didn't he have kittens once before?"

Lister didn't reply. That was a result of a wacky universe and with different rules and the babies hadn't survived. Lister carried the delicate children, afraid that he would drop them. He'd never held a baby before, let alone two, both of whom were screaming and squirming.

- Red Dwarf -

Lister sighed with relief when Rimmer was brought aboard the ship and connected to all the monitoring equipment. He had very mild brain damage and slight paralysis down his left side, but he would live and he'd hopefully learn to cope with the changes. The brain damage probably wouldn't even be noticed considering how Rimmer's mind worked in the first place. Lister shuddered as he remembered their time stuck in Better Than Life and the PSI moon. Knowing Rimmer, this would make his personality worse.

- Red Dwarf -

Lister sat beside Rimmer's bed while holding the twins. Kryten was currently going through the inventory of the escape pod and Starbug to find something they could eat. He had his sons. Somehow Rimmer had given him his sons.

"Lister, you found me," he heard Rimmer murmur. The other man started sobbing. "I thought you'd left me because I abandoned you. I didn't mean to."

"We didn't abandon you. You went through a time hole and there was a big time delay between you going through and us coming through. Can you tell me what happened? I need to understand why you ran and where these two came from. For me that was last week. I know it's been a lot longer for you."

"It's a long story," Rimmer told him.

"Isn't that the only type you know?" Lister asked

Rimmer laughed which surprised Lister since he wasn't expecting it. Rimmer didn't laugh very often. Or at least not happy sounding laughs.