Someone went off with the disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters. What would happen if some Archer characters went to a sex addiction meeting? I got this.
Figgis Anonymous
"Hello everyone," A young man in a yellow shirt with black hair and a beard that looked like the actor Rob McElhanney said cheerfully. "Welcome to Sex-Anon. A haven for those suffering from sexual addiction. I'm Cam. And before we get to the testimonials I have a few announcements."
"First of all, I'm glad to say that we will be showing the documentary, Abstinence Yay! Just as soon as whoever stole the VCR returns it."
"This second item is mainly for our chapter's committee. I hate to be a stickler but the snack schedule is there for a reason. Now I haven't minded paying for snacks these past few weeks but I do want to be reimbursed. And not in condoms. Whoever put condoms in the cash box…Seriously. Grow up."
"I'd also like to mention that we are also taking up a collection at the end of the meeting. As you know Sex-Anon shares this small office building with other organizations. The Quit Smoking Now support group, the I Can't Believe My Candidate Lost the Election support group, the Survivors of Chihuahua Attacks support group, Healing Through Mime, and Subway. And as you know the Subway is now closed so we need to pitch in a little bit more for the upkeep and maintenance of this building."
"Specifically, to hire a pest control expert to help fumigate the building. Apparently there is a minor termite problem. Which started in the Subway section of the building. Probably one of the reasons the place closed."
"Maybe they confused the bread for wood?" A man snickered.
Cam rolled his eyes for a second. "Dennis, we've talked about this. Just try to keep your comments to yourself until it's time for you to share? Okay?"
"I see some new faces here. For those of you who don't know I am Cam Camerson, the local chapter president and I'm also a sex addict. Just like you. I am also a fully trained counselor. If any of you need to talk to someone or just rap about things, my door is always open. Actually, it's literally open because I don't have a door anymore. I believe that's due to the minor termite infestation."
"One more thing, whoever owns the blue Chevy with the cracked windows and missing taillight…It's been sitting in the parking lot for two weeks straight. So, if you know who owns it please tell them that we are planning on towing it by the end of the week. Once we get enough money to pay the tow truck."
"Maybe it belongs to the termites?" Dennis quipped.
"Dennis! Please!" Cam groaned. "Now I'll open the floor to anyone who would like to speak. How about you sir? You're new. Come on up and talk to us. Don't be shy. We're all friends here."
"Hello," Cyril said slightly nervously as he went to the podium. "My name's Cyril. And I'm a sex addict."
"Hi Cyril," Everyone said.
"Gee where to begin?" Cyril sighed. "I've been a sex addict for years and I've been having some problems."
"Some problems?" Pam's voice was heard.
"HA HA HA!" Cheryl laughed.
Cyril realized who it was but said nothing. He glared at his friends. "It's very hard with my addiction. Especially working with people who aren't exactly supportive!"
"Is there a phrasing joke in there?" Pam blinked.
Cyril ignored her. "Here's how it started. I was working in an office in New York City. And I met this woman. Who I will call Laura. Laura and I hit it off and we were dating off and on for years. But she had this ex-boyfriend. Let's call him…Randy. Which he was. In all senses of the word."
"Oh yeah," Cheryl spoke up. "It does mean that!"
"Maybe that's why Archer always used it?" Pam said.
"See Laura dated Randy before she dated me," Cyril went on. "And Randy cheated on her nonstop. I mean every chance he got he was on top of or under another woman. And he was caught like all the time. In the broom closet. In the elevator."
"One time on the copy machine," Pam spoke up. "By the way whipped cream and office appliances…Bad combination."
"Tell me about it," A man from the crowd spoke up.
"I wish I knew that the time I had sex with the IT guy at work," A woman spoke up.
"They really should put a warning label on the can," Dennis added. "Because honestly that is a lawsuit just waiting to happen."
"I've always suspected that Laura was using me to get back at Randy and that made me feel insecure," Cyril went on. "And then one day during an…office party, my insecurities got the better of me. Well that and quite a bit of scotch I drank. I ended up having an affair. And then the woman I had an affair with blackmailed me into keep sleeping with her on the side because she was also in love with Randy and for some reason wanted to get back at him by sleeping with me."
"That doesn't sound very plausible," Cam spoke up.
"Well she isn't very bright," Cyril said.
"HEY!" Cheryl snapped as she stood up. "I'm not the idiot who got caught balls deep with some French whore!"
"People who live in glass whorehouses shouldn't throw stones, Cheryl!" Cyril snapped.
"Hang on," Cam spoke up. "You know each other?"
"In every sense of the word," Pam snickered.
Cyril admitted. "Cheryl here is the woman I first had an affair with. And started my sex addiction!"
"You can't catch a sex addiction like it's a cold, Cyril," Pam snorted.
"You can with you lot!" Cyril snapped. "Typhoid Poovey!"
Cyril explained. "I also had sex with Pam. But only because you two kept going on and on about how Archer and Lana…I mean Randy and Laura were gonna screw each other at any minute! And you got me drunk!"
"You weren't that drunk!" Cheryl called out. "He f#$#$#ed me on a blimp!"
"He f#$#$#ed me on a desk!" Pam spoke up.
"I think he also f#$$#ed both of us during one of our drug fueled blackouts," Cheryl added.
"Hang on," Dennis spoke up. "Cyril, you slept with her?" He pointed to Cheryl.
"Several times," Cheryl grinned.
"Respect Dude," Dennis nodded. "I gotta say respect."
"And me!" Pam said.
"Eehhh," Dennis shrugged.
"WHAT?" Pam snapped.
"I think we're getting a bit off track here," Cam spoke up. "Cyril, it sounds like you're blaming your sex addiction on these two."
"That's because it is their fault!" Cyril snapped. "They're like a gateway drug! Because of them I couldn't stop!"
"He wouldn't stop all right. He wouldn't stop until he banged pretty much anyone else who would touch him," Pam added.
"Well he banged you so…" Cheryl snickered.
"Why the hell are you two harpies here?" Cyril snapped. "What? It's not enough you drive me crazy at work? You had to follow me here? You really have no lives of your own do you?"
"There was nothing good on TV," Cheryl said. "We were bored. Plus, we're waiting for that second stupid coma storyline to end already. I mean don't get me wrong, they're fun and interesting. But two seasons of coma dreams? Get on with the story already!"
"What?" Cam blinked.
"She thinks she's in a TV show," Pam explained. "It's best to just ignore her."
"If only I could," Cyril groaned. "See? See? This is what they do! This is what women do to me! They go after me and go on and on because they can! They think it's fun to just prance around and screw with me both literally and figuratively. And whenever I try to do something about it they sabotage me!"
Cyril went on. "You think I don't know that you talk about me behind my back? And I am not just talking about you two! I know for a fact Lana and Mallory join in too! Like those two are any better than me! Well they're not! THEY'RE NOT!"
Cyril's tone became darker. "Lana thinks that she's sooooooo great! Look at me! I'm Lana Kane! I shove my big brown boobs into everyone's face and then I wonder why people look at me like a sex object! And Mallory's even worse! I'm Mallory Archer, I'm better than you. So that means I can just take whatever I want from you. Well you can't take my agency Mallory!"
"Here we go," Pam groaned.
"What the hell do you need my agency for anyway?" Cyril went on. "So, you can run that into the ground like you ran your last agency? All you're going to do is drink, let your spoiled ass of a son screw around while you go screwing around because you're under the delusion you're still the hottest piece of ass you were when you were younger! Well this is one thing you can't take from me Mallory Archer! ONE THING YOU CAN'T HAVE! IT'S MINE! AND IF YOU DO TRY I'LL BURN THE AGENCY TO THE GROUND WITH YOU AND EVERYONE IN IT!"
"Tease!" Cheryl rolled. She looked at a horrified woman. "Everyone always says they'll burn the agency to the ground but they never do. It's so annoying!"
"Cyril are you back from your psychotic trip yet?" Pam asked.
"Huh?" Cyril blinked, snapping out of it. "Oh. Hello…"
"Dude," Cam said nervously. "It sounds like you have a few other issues besides sexual addiction."
"You think?" Pam snorted.
"No offense," Cheryl spoke up. "But looking around this room, your sexual addictions are the only thing going for you people. I mean most of you are pretty much losers. I mean this guy is hot." She pointed at Dennis.
"Thank you," Dennis said.
"But most of you should really take it while you can get it," Cheryl added. "If you know what I mean. Why the hell would you give up the one thing you're good at?"
"Sex is a beautiful wonderful thing!" Pam said. "More people should be screwing!"
"The more people screw the fewer wars there will be!" Cheryl agreed.
"Speaking of screwing," Pam spoke up. "I am willing to screw any guy or gal in one of the offices back here. Any takers?"
"You two came here to get dates, didn't you?" Cyril snapped.
"And to spy on you," Pam admitted. "Why not kill two dicks with one stone?"
"The stone being her vagina," Cheryl snickered.
"See? See what I have to deal with on a daily basis?" Cyril pointed. "And those two are nothing compared to Archer! I mean Randy!"
"Okay Cyril I think we've heard enough…" Cam coughed nervously.
"No, you haven't," Cheryl said. "Tell them about your enormous dick!"
"Seriously," Pam said. "That thing is big enough to be considered a tripod."
"I know he doesn't look it," Cheryl added. "But Cyril's better hung than a butler who's been caught stealing the silverware."
"He once tried to get a penis en-smallment because the damn thing was giving him back problems," Pam added.
"PAM!" Cyril shouted.
"WHAT?" Pam shouted. "You didn't go through with it. Lucky for any gal am I right?"
"Lucky for you," Dennis grumbled.
"I heard that bitch," Pam snapped. "You want a piece of me?"
"Oh God no," Dennis blanched. He pointed at Cheryl. "Her, yes. You, no."
"Well I know what a King Clancy is," Pam snapped. "And I know how to do it. As well as a MOAB and Farmhouse Hoedown."
"A Farmhouse Hoedown?" A man spoke up in the back. "I always wanted to do that!"
"Well you can't do it without bacon," Pam said. "You wanna stop at a diner first so we can get to know each other? Then we can know…"
"PAM!" Cyril shouted.
"Know if your penis will satisfy my vagina," Pam added.
"Oh, dear God," Cam groaned.
"I just remembered why I come to these meetings," Dennis grinned. "And not just because the court ordered me to."
"I could eat," The man in back got up.
"Anybody else want to get in on this?" Pam called out.
"Anybody want to get in this?" Cheryl pointed to her crotch.
"I volunteer as tribute!" Dennis said.
"Great? Is there a back room or a dumpster or…?" Cheryl asked.
"There's a motel down the block," Dennis got up and went with Cheryl. "Actually, I think I'm owed a free night or something."
"Dennis! No! You have to stay strong!" Cam shouted. "Don't fall into temptation!"
"Oh yeah!" Dennis snapped. "I'm like I'm gonna pass this up!"
"He'll still have his sexual addiction in the morning," Cheryl said.
"Yeah!" Dennis snapped.
"By the way how good are you at choke sex?" Cheryl asked as they left the room.
"As long as I'm not the one being choked, I'm good," Dennis said.
"Anyone else want to get in on sex with me?" Pam called out. "Or if not me, whoever else you think is sploosh-worthy."
"This is not a singles meet!" Cam shouted. "This is for people dealing with sexual addiction! Not a pick-up bar!"
"Well if I'm going to be totally honest," A man spoke up. "The only reason I started going to these meetings was to see if I could get a date with her." He pointed to a brunette nearby.
"No way!" The woman said. "The only reason I go to these meetings is that I'm looking for a cute guy to hook up with. And you're cute. You like Chinese food?"
"Who doesn't?" The other man asked. "Let's blow this pop stand."
"Then after you eat you can blow her," Pam said cheerfully.
"PAM!" Cyril shouted.
"Anybody else want to blow me?" Pam asked.
"Oh what the hell?" A woman said. "I'm interested."
"I don't have a problem with it," Pam said. She looked at the guy. "Do you?"
"I don't have a problem with it," The guy said.
"I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH IT!" Cam shouted.
"Hey anyone want to double date with us?" Another woman spoke up. She had her arms around another man.
"NO!" Cam shouted. "NO THIS IS NOT THE PLACE FOR HOOKING UP!"
"Dude we all love sex," Pam said. "This is the perfect place for hooking up!"
"YOU!" Cam glared at Cyril. "This is all your fault!"
"How is this my fault?" Cyril snapped. "They followed me!"
Then he paused. "But since we're all hooking up anyway. If any of you ladies are interested…"
"In what universe did we not hear your anti-woman psychotic breakdown?" A woman shouted.
"Yeah!" The woman going with Pam snapped. "We're horny! Not desperate. Come on."
"OH COME ON!" Cyril banged his hands on the podium.
Which collapsed in a heap as soon as he touched it.
"Technically I think that might be more of the termites' fault than mine," Cyril said nervously.
The next morning back at the Figgis Agency…
"And that's how I was kicked out of the LA chapter of Sex-Anon," Cyril sighed. He was recalling the debacle to Lana and Ray in the break room.
"So basically…" Ray paused. "It's almost exactly like how you were banned from the New York chapter?"
"Pretty much," Cyril admitted. "Except this time Archer wasn't banging the chairwoman in the coat room."
"Kicked out of two different chapters of Sex-Anon in two different cities," Lana groaned. "That must be a record."
"Three actually," Cyril sighed. "I once went to a meeting in New Jersey. It didn't end well."
"Did Archer, Pam or Cheryl follow you?" Ray asked. "And have sex with any of the members?"
"Well…" Cyril paused. "Someone had sex with someone."
"It was you wasn't it?" Ray guessed.
"Yes," Cyril sighed.
"You in the coat room with the chairwoman?" Lana sighed.
"Close," Cyril sighed. "Me, the office down the hall with the wife of the chairman of the Sex-Anon meeting. I admit. That one was on me."
"Now that we're done playing Clue-Less, the Cyril Figgis Edition," Lana said. "Where is everyone else? They haven't come in."
"Probably sleeping their orgy off," Cyril grumbled.
"Seriously Cyril," Lana looked at him. "Trying to blame your cheating on me on those two?"
"Technically the cheating part was Cheryl!" Cyril corrected. "Pam came after. But you know those two! It's because of them and my insecurities about you and Randy…I mean you and Archer that I got the sex addiction in the first place!"
"Really? You don't think it's because you're an asshole?" Lana said. "And I still don't believe sexual addiction is a thing."
"You have to admit it's a thing!" Cyril said. "You can't get kicked out of three different chapters of something if it isn't a thing!"
"Oh, you're something all right," Ray quipped. "What we have no idea."
"You know…?" Cyril glared at him.