Twisted Tales: Ugly and the Feast
Hey Everybody! It's Luna again, but this isn't my story. This was written by the lovely Bullfrog, my co-author in such matters, as some of you may remember from the tale of Cinderashes. I'm posting this just for her. I love you froggy!
Once upon a time there was a very ugly girl. She had greasy purple hair and blank eyes and the only relatively pretty thing about her was she wasn't fat! One day her dad who was a rock star said "Ugly go to the forest and find some turnips and onions for our pie." Ugly who was very obedient did as she was told.
While out in the woods she came across a path with a sign that said "Turn and die" but Ugly wasn't very smart and thought it said "turnips for pie". So she set off down the path. She walked for a really long time then she started to get scared because there was a trail of footprints behind her; someone must be following her! So she started to run. She came upon a glass wall; she wanted to know what was on the other side so she climbed over it. It was a shiny clean castle. Ugly knocked on the spotless door and moments later it was opened by a candlestick, "Good morning," said Ugly "I'm here from…" "Sorry, Madame but I'm not interested in buying anything." The candlestick said, mistaking Ugly for a door-to-door salesperson. He rudely shut the door in her face.
Ugly was confused: all the candlesticks her town had always been really friendly. She walked around to the back door and entered without knocking since it seemed to annoy the candlestick when people knocked. Inside the dishes were washing themselves. "I say!" a teapot cried, "can't we get a little privacy?" "Sorry," said Ugly as she continued on into the next room.
On the dining room table was the most scrumptious feast she had ever seen! Garlic cupcakes, squid pies, hard-boiled snails, stinky cheese and all other manners of delicacies. Ugly ate it all. When she was done she realized the buttons on the back of her dress had popped off! "Those darn trees!" she cried, "they've ruined my dress!" So she went off in search of a change of clothes.
The floorboards creaked as she walked and the stair steps groaned under her feet. "My how this castle creaks!" she said in wonder. Ugly wandered through the castle for a long time she finally came to a lovely room full of strange plants. She went to a foxglove plant and pulled off a pair of white ones for her hands then plucked two lady slippers from a nearby stalk: they were just the right size!
Just then she remembered the turnip-onion pie she was supposed to be making. She went out to the garden she had seen from the dining room window. She found the largest turnip she could find and rolled it out of the garden bed then she stubbed her toe on the biggest onion she had ever seen! She was about to roll them down the path but she stopped to smell some flowers, when she breathed out the flowers wilted.
Suddenly she heard someone behind her she whirled around and found before her the most handsome man ever! He was pockmarked and had a crooked nose; his pukish green hair flopped over his large ears. He was gorgeous! "What are you doing in my garden?" he asked in a croaky voice like that of a frog. "Looking for ingredients for a pie. I'm sorry, I didn't know this belonged to you," said a tongue-tied Ugly. "Didn't you see the threatening sign on the path?" he asked. "No, what did it say?" said a stupefied Ugly. "'Turn and die' so why aren't you dead?! The scent of my onion and turnip garden was supposed to kill you!" Ugly laughed. "I love this smell! It's my fave perfume scent." Right then and there the man, Gunthur, fell to his knees and cried, "You've broken the curse! I was told one day a fat hag would arrive at the castle and would not drop dead from the stench! It's you!" A cloud of mist appeared and Gunthur was transformed into a male supermodel. He had pale blond hair and a button nose: he was hideous! Ugly screamed and ran down the path at top speed, forgetting her onion and turnip.
She ran all the way home and when she arrived her dad was still sitting at the table. "Golly, Ugly! Ye took yer sweet time a comin' back! I've been a waitin' here all night!"
The End