Chapter 1 - The Commotion Begins
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It was a peaceful day on an island on the planet of Ahch-to. At least, it was. Because the Porg, the native bird, had invaded in droves. But we took care of that. Anyway, I'd like to tell a better story. It's a good one. It began on another peaceful day- oh, right. You don't know who we are. Best we introduce ourselves. We are the most awesomely heroic and gothic team in the galaxy, known only as the Hate Stoppers. Our team consisted of Steve, who wore full armour at all times, some mummy guy from Jakku, and me. My name is Deodaric Hotsmothington. I have the best weapon in the galaxy: a flamethrower. We spent our off-days wanking and shooting the breeze. Out of the sky.
Anyway, it began on another peaceful day. Suddenly, a spaceship appeared from nowhere. The door opened, and a familiar face rolled out. It was… BB-8! Whatever he was doing here, he meant business, because he was wearing the Hat of Ceremonies, which was basically just a porg.
"Hate Stoppers!" he cried. (Oh, I forgot to mention. We upgraded him to speak Basic.) "I come with a message: you're needed!"
"What is it?" I was quick to ask.
"I shall explain when we get there! Get to your vehicles, quick!" he responded. And we did. Our vehicles were, in order: A V-4X-D ski speeder (The mummy), a V-19 Torrent starfighter (Steve), and a modified Jedi starfighter (BB-8). Now, I know what you're thinking. "What about you, Deodaric?" Well, you see, my flamethrower has a flight mode. The more you know, right? Anyway, we hopped in our vehicles, and made a hyperspace dash for the Earth system. When we got there, we parked in some big warehouse.
"Now that we've arrived, let's head into town." BB-8 noted. So we did, down a long, winding path. As we got closer, I noticed that things had definitely changed. For one thing, it was a lot colder. And I could vaguely hear… singing? What in the kriffing hell was going on? It was worse than I thought, however. When we actually got into town, there was an entire festival in swing. Dancing, singing, the works. Wow. Suddenly, a shriek. We turned to find the source: A woman being torn from her family by police officers... dressed as snowmen. Were they trying to be serious? They totally failed. Anyway, we heard shouts of resistance, meaning that something had taken over. The question we were all asking at once was, "Who could have done this?" But we all knew the answer: this had the Chaos Crew written all over it.
"I told you something was up." BB-8 growled.
"So now what?" Steve asked.
"Simple, my friend. Rebellion."