Disclaimer: The following story is a work of fiction. The characters are borrowed from the CBS network show NCIS for personal entertainment purposes only. No profit is or shall be made from this fan tribute to the show which is owned by TPTB. Any resemblance to actual persons is purely coincidental.

Set in time: NCIS season finale 5 (2008), tag to "Judgement Day II".

Spoiler warning: 5×18/19 "Judgement Day", minor spoilers for seasons 3 to 5 episodes featuring Jenny Shepard.

A/N: First of all, thanks for reading! I kept adding stuff, then changing what I'd written. Not writer's block, but the reason it took so long to post. - I always felt there was not enough attention given to Gibbs' struggles with the aftermath of Jenny's death on the show, but then he's a private person. I'd be greatly pleased to hear if I got it right!

Struggling On

(by VG LittleBear/vglb)

He'd been trying to say goodbye to Jenny for days now, their 'non-thing' forever unresolved. Listening to the final goodbyes to Jenny Shepard at the funeral, Gibbs remained silent, looking good in his best suit. Nothing of Sears on him today, honoring her, remembering the smart dresser, the cool professional, head of NCIS, and inevitably the Field Agent she used to be. Everyone he was close to stood with him, from his Senior Field Agent to the Medical Examiner's Assistant, and they all followed him back to the bullpen at NCIS headquarters. The only person missing was the one laid to rest at the cementary.

The ZNN news feed showed the cementary where they had just come from, and for a few moments Gibbs simply watched while his extended team assembled around him again.

Jimmy Palmer and Dr. Mallard had been the last to touch Jenny's body as her casket was sealed before leaving NCIS, effectively hiding how she'd died. The killers dead, the records sealed, no questions remained except Gibbs' own.

The last few days had left traces in their faces. Gibbs' eyes had acquired a new layer of sadness. Ducky didn't leave his side this morning, eyes alternating between expressing rebellion and a softer sheen of acceptance. DiNozzo was painfully serious. Gibbs could see that Tony's eyes held the same shocked cast since he'd seen him at the crime scene, while Ziva's had grown hooded, mourning her friend and female role model. Gibbs told himself to give these two time and a whole lot of reassurance. The youngest male on his team was solemn, but Tim seemed to hold up well in the general gloom. Abby was trying for stoïc, giving him room to grieve without asking solace from him, and for that he was thankful.

They were about to move to their workstations, when the new director's secretary summoned Gibbs and his team up to Leon Vance's office. The room still looked the same, yet it felt entirely different. With a few dry words, Vance desintegrated the entire team, and shocked they just took it and left the office. Gibbs didn't understand, but he had no fight left in him, not right now.

Losing McGee to the cyber crime unit in the cellar was not so bad, rallied Gibbs, trying to hold a positive thought. Tim at least would still be working in the same building. But sending Ziva David back to Israel, and with Tony DiNozzo designated Agent Afloat, director Leon Vance had ripped them from Gibbs' side when he was already feeling lost.

Director Vance had no idea what he was doing to him, that Gibbs' handpicked team was family. Sure, the MCRT lead agent understood that Vance wanted to flex his muscles, but Gibbs had counted on the team's closeness to heal from the devastating blow of Jenny's death. Now, at least two members of his family unit had to surmount their grief on their own. Leon and he had always been confrontational, but this rupture just plain hurt.

There was not much time to bid Ziva and Tony adieu before they had to leave to pack up their belongings. Gibbs pulled Ziva close and whispered his farewell into her ear to which she responded with a tightening hug. She slipped off to Abby's lab to make her goodbyes as he pulled Tony into a brief hug. Gibbs tried to tell DiNozzo once again that it was not his fault, and felt Tony ostentatively nodding against his shoulder. Fearing Tony's propensity for blaming himself, Gibbs lightly slapped the younger man at the back of his head, then chucked him under the chin before turning away. He worried for him, worried his own record of emptying bottles set the wrong example, but he hoped that at least Ziva would be alright on her own. He hoped for both understanding his brief lapse at the crime scene, when he seemed to blame the failed protection detail on them, instead on Jenny's decision to leave his team out of old history coming to bite her.

Their old history! Gibbs' mind jumped back to their mission in Paris. How ever had he missed that Jen didn't complete her part of the operation? She had let Svetlana go, while he had shot Anatoly Zhukov. They had gotten out of Paris all bases covered, he'd thought. However, Gibbs had never really debriefed with Decker, being distracted by his attraction to Jenny. They had been flirting, way beyond their cover story as a married couple.

Jenny had been compassionate and sweet all those years ago. He'd toughened her, turning her into the professional that she owed her steep career to. Then one day Jen had left him without warning, leaving behind that dreadful 'Dear John' letter! He had made his displeasure known to Jenny years later, telling Madame Director to write a letter to explain since she didn't know what to say. His lips quirked up briefly in an one-sided smile. What was it with Jen and letters? Finding that last letter Jenny had started writing, had touched him. How fitting that it was another letter starting with 'Dear Jethro', though minus body and signature. Which told him that she didn't know how to say goodbye this time. Neither did he!

"Ah Jen!" he breathed into the emptied bullpen.

His last true memory of her was a few days old when he'd stood in Jenny's study assigning Tony and Ziva as her protection detail to Decker's funeral in LA. Now he wondered if she'd suspected something, still feeling her fingers moving lightly over his as she stole a sip of his coffee, never leaving his eyes. Grabbing back his cup he'd left then, unaware it was her fare thee well.

Gibbs grabbed his keys soon after, and drove home. He took the three career folders of his new team along with him, well aware that director Vance would expect him to be conversant on the details by the time he next showed up at the office. He didn't plan on opening the folders in the next few hours though, nor was he going to do his own brand of background checks. He didn't want a new team anyway, so what did he care who they were deep down?

It was early afternoon still when Gibbs descended to his basement, aware that if he started drinking now, he would be useless by the end of the day. He went so far as to pull his usual mug towards him, but then he sighed and turned around. Instead he went back up the stairs and changed into a lumberjack outfit.

Shannon would have rolled her eyes if he'd have worn these clothes in her presence, he reflected as he grabbed the handle of his axe and started splitting his supply of logs in the backyard. Jenny, on the other hand, had been amused back in Serbia when he wore that same kind of clothing. For her, Gibbs had played up his lumberjack persona until in the evenings she had helped him out of it. Remembering, he kept at work relentlessly until his muscles complained, then he shifted the newly cut firewood into orderly piles ready for use.

He had just gotten through this task when Ducky's Morgan pulled up to his house. Somehow he was not surprised that his old friend turned up.

"Jethro," the M.E. greeted him, "we need to talk."

"That so, Duck?" groused Gibbs.

"Don't shut me out, Jethro, please. Trust me on this, you need to talk this through. Jenny and I had long conversations about her upcoming ordeal, and I can't help but think she found a way to go out in a blaze of glory instead."

"Why didn't she talk to me, Duck? I even asked her straight to her face, and she lied. Of course I knew there was a problem, but Jenny didn't want to share her illness with me. Jen had her poker face on every time I tried to get more out of her!"

"Jethro, she didn't want you to suffer once she knew what awaited her. Jenny cared a lot for you, you know that! I was with her several times during her recent leave. She spoke to me about her hunt of René Benoit. And truly, she knew that she had disappointed you with her obsession!" Doctor Mallard sounded sad.

"But she had to do what was best for her," concluded Jethro mostly to himself, remembering slipping out of her house one late night.

"She killed the Frog, Duck, I found the proof just as she got herself killed! I called her, but it was too late ... Tony answered instead." Gibbs swallowed painfully remembering the choked up quality of DiNozzo's voice.

"She had her reasons, Jethro," murmured Ducky.

"I know, I don't have a leg to stand on calling her on that, but it doesn't make it right! I wanted to know if my example pushed her to do it though. When she started at NCIS she was ambitious, but she didn't have murder on her mind. Is it my fault, Duck?"

"Jennifer never said anything that would make me think so. She was her own woman. Don't blame yourself! On the contrary, she only wanted to make you proud. Nothing ever changed really! Not for her!"

Gibbs had set a bottle of bourbon on the table when they settled inside, but he didn't fill up more than the bottom of their glasses. After all the M.E. needed to drive home later, and with Ducky as company he didn't feel that he had to drown his sorrows. Maybe the good doctor was right that he needed to talk, he already knew that getting drunk only gave him a headache.

"DiNozzo always said that I should read Moby Dick. You know, Captain Ahab, or so Tony told me repeatedly. Maybe I should make it compulsory reading!"

"Jethro, that's a good idea! 'Moby-Dick; or, The Whale' by Herman Melville is certainly worthy of being read. I have the book back home, I'll leave it at your desk tomorrow. I'm certain you'll enjoy it!" said doctor Mallard encouragingly.

"What, ever seen me reading a book, Duck?"

"It may be a good time to start, with Anthony out at sea. You may feel closer to him. I know it will be hard without your A-team."

"Not to say without my Senior Field Agent! Do you have any idea how much of my paperwork Tony handled? I haven't even looked who Vance put on my team, but none of them are getting access to my papers, electronic or otherwise!" Gibbs huffed, well aware that his workload had at least doubled.

"Well, at least you won't have to take turns as temporary director, not with Vance at the rudder. Jennifer just loved making you squirm in her high heels!" chuckled Ducky, remembering the day he'd won the office pool on how long Gibbs would resist taking over an investigation.

Gibbs remembered that day too, winding up Jenny on the phone by telling her about all those useless meeting requests he'd accepted on her behalf.

They both lifted their glasses and gave a silent salute to Jenny, before downing the liquid fire.

- fine -

A/N: I feel that Jenny deserved a wake, but between those two, it was bound to be a lot of off-topic talking by Ducky, and Gibbs thinking to himself, so I left them to it at their first glass of bourbon. - I hope you enjoyed this. I appreciate reviews very much, and if you sign in I will reply. TIA.