I assure you I don't do drugs. And while we're at it, you shouldn't either.
Metal Gear Solid 2: Musical Espionage Action
[Scene opens on rainy bridge with river beneath. A cargo ship is slowly moving towards the bridge]
Snake (VO): The Hudson River, two years ago…
[Solid Snake walks on bride in large poncho smoking a cigarette]
Otacon (VO): Snake let's go over this again.
Snake (VO): Why? I already know what I'm doing. Bungee off this bridge onto the tanker go all Predator on-err sneak around, the nice marines, find the new Metal Gear they've got stashed and take some pictures. What's the big deal?
Otacon (VO): Come on Snake. You know it's not a Metal Gear mission until the jerk sending you all alone in enemy territory with no weapons explains the mission in a long winded speech, mere minutes before you're inserted.
Snake (VO): I've always wondered about that. Why is it you guys never tell me what I need to do before I go in? You know so I can prepare for the mission, maybe run some training exercises...
Otacon (VO): Training exercises? You? Come on. You're already the most badass soldier in existence. You've got everything you need in your genes.
Snake (VO): Actually that's a myth. There are no specific genes that control… wait why are we talking about genes? Do you have Naomi stashed in there someplace?
Otacon (VO): Er… no. Anyway you need to infiltrate the tanker Snake, and find where they're keeping the new Metal Gear…
Snake (VO): I know goddamn it! I just said it!
Otacon (VO): And then we're gonna need you to take some pictures. So if you could do that, that'd be greaaat!
Snake (VO): Otacon I swear to God, you do that Lumberg impression one more time…
Otacon (VO): Yeah, yeah, just be happy I'm not masquerading as your old CO and telling you about how much I need scissors.
Snake (VO): What?
Otacon (VO): Never mind. The tanker's almost there. Go Snake!
[On the bridge, Snake starts running. As he does, he turns invisible. And as he does that epic music begins to play]
Musical Number- Main theme (sung to the tune of the MGS2 theme)
Chorus: Dun dun dun! Dun dun Dun! Me-tal Gear!
Holy Shit! It's Solid Snaake!
And the start, of a brand new game!
Yes it's true! With better graphics,
And a mullet gathering fame!
See him land, right on that tanker
That stealth camo's working just fine
His bandanna holds his hair back
And he's armed with just an M9!
Percussion break
[Enter Ocelot on a helicopter with binoculars]
Ocelot:
There's our boy, right on time
He just doesn't have a clue
What is up with those sparks?
It's like Terminator 2!
Chorus: Epic Title Flash on screen! Now we end with an abrupt break!
Snake (calling Otacon on the codec):
What the fuck? This camo's busted.
Otacon! In you I trusted
Otacon: Deal with it, this ain't the army!
Snake: Well, with rations, they really can't harm me!
[As this is going on, Russian soldiers land and kill the marines]
Snake (looking around):
Check it out, these Russian mofos,
Took out all, the guards in slow-mo
Guess I'll have to sneak right by them
It's not like they could see past three feet!
Epic ending verse with huge chorus vocalizations and sheer epic-ness!
Everyone:
So it starts, the epic gameplay
Solid Snake, here to save the day
Let's just hope he stays the hero
Not replaced with an effeminate zero!
[At this last line Raiden pokes his head out and cries]
[After the musical number Snake sneaks into the tanker interior tranquilizing, neck breaking or punch-punch-kicking anyone in his way]
Well I think I'll end it there for now. Don't know if I'll continue (though I might be tempted if this is well received and/or if I get more song ideas). I don't know what came over me. I'm not a fan of musicals, though I am a fan of parodies. But since there's dozens of MGS ones out there, I thought I might try something different. By the way I'm not a Raiden hater I just threw that in for laughs.