The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters is on sale at the mall. Forty percent off. Not bad. Just some strange madness my little mind came up with.
The Brawl At The Mall
Mallory stormed into the bullpen of the Figgis Agency. "Just what I wanted to see after visiting Sterling in the hospital and sitting in traffic for almost an hour. My employees working hard building a brighter tomorrow."
Lana, Ray, Cheryl and Pam looked at each other. "That was sarcasm, right?" Pam asked. She was sitting at a desk with a laptop and a can of beer.
"Good for you, Pam!" Mallory said sarcastically. "Those extra vitamins they've been putting in your feed are really working!"
"Mallory you didn't have to come down here to tell us this in person," Lana said. "You could have called us and saved yourself a trip."
"I did call!" Mallory told her. "Nobody answered the phone!"
Everyone looked at Cheryl. "What?" She asked. "Was I supposed to do something?"
"Yes," Mallory snapped. "Be a productive human being!"
Cheryl scoffed. "Like that's going to happen!"
"Anything going on around here?" Mallory asked. "Besides Carol's brain cells decomposing into mulch?"
"Cyril went out to do…" Ray paused. "Something. I honestly wasn't paying attention. Mostly because I didn't care."
Lana paused. "Me too."
"I'd be lying if I said I was interested," Mallory admitted.
"Me too," Cheryl said.
"Me three," Pam added.
"Krieger?" Mallory asked.
"Lab," Ray told her. "Don't know. Don't want to know."
"Ditto," Mallory sighed. "I'd ask if there were any calls for work but…"
Everyone looked at Cheryl. "What?" She asked.
"I don't think it's just Cheryl that's the problem," Lana admitted. "Business has never been steady but…"
"It's slower than molasses on a glacier," Ray spoke up. "I'm afraid our reputation, such as it is hasn't improved any. Especially after the Business Expo Incident."
"Our agency didn't have a good reputation before the Business Expo Incident," Mallory told him.
Pam added. "Not to mention at least twenty percent of the detective business has been taken over by this new thing called the Internet. You want to find somebody? Type in a name. Put in a picture. Bam! Found 'em!"
"Yes, I…" Mallory began.
"You wanna find out dirt on someone?" Pam went on. "Check out their Space Book profile. Look on Me Tube. Google 'em. Bam!"
"Pam…" Mallory started again.
"Need to find some long-lost relatives?" Pam went on. "Ancestry records. Internet. Bam!"
"Okay…" Mallory was starting to get ticked off.
"You need to check out their public records?" Pam went on. "Punch in a license plate number or a phone number. Bam! You want to look up some obscure legal law somewhere? Bam! Whole damn legal books online! Bam!"
"ALL RIGHT PAM!" Mallory shouted. "WE GET IT! Now shut up before you get it!"
"Maybe Cyril has come up with something?" Lana said hopefully.
"He came up with the whole Business Expo idea," Ray pointed out. "I shall await with baited breath for our next disaster."
"Oh my God!" Pam saw something on her laptop.
"I'm sure it won't be that big a disaster," Lana said.
"Not that!" Pam said. "MINKS are closing all their stores! The store closing sales start tomorrow!"
"What?" Ray asked. "All five of them?"
"Yes!" Pam said. "Boy I knew the retail market was suffering but to lose MINKS…"
"I feel like I should know this," Mallory blinked. "But I don't. What the hell is MINKS?"
"It's that actress Mimsy Instant's store," Lana explained. "The one with the reality show? My, My Mimsy?"
"It stands for Mimsy Instant's Naturally Kool," Pam added. "Kool with a K. She sells everything from fashion accessories to clothes to baby clothes to makeup…"
"Well not anymore," Ray said as he looked at the article. "All five MINKS stores are closing. After only ten years."
"Well her reality show was cancelled last year so…" Pam shrugged.
"I still don't know this person," Mallory said.
"She's in all the fashion magazines and fashion shows," Lana said. "Blond. Big hair."
"Huge tits," Pam added.
"That's pretty much all of them," Mallory added.
"Had the reality show on the Entertainment Now Network?" Lana added. "Has a bunch of sisters and brothers who are also fashion designers slash models slash spokesperson."
"Again," Mallory said. "That's half of Hollywood."
"She's the spokesperson for that skin cream," Lana added.
"Again, half of Hollywood," Mallory said. "I swear every other starlet is plugging something."
"She's been married a few times," Ray said. "One marriage was literally only 24 hours."
"You have to give me something more specific!" Mallory said.
Cheryl spoke up as she read a magazine. "She's the one that had the sex tape with Senator Todd Pecker."
"Okay now I know who she is," Mallory nodded. "And I know the congressman. Definitely lived up to his name. Not in a good way."
"I know right?" Ray asked.
Mallory did a double take at Ray before going on. "So why is some wannabe actress…And I say actress in the loosest definition imaginable…. Losing some crappy gift shops such a big deal?"
"Because for the past ten years MINKS has been the place for stars to shop and be seen," Pam explained. "It was the it place for stars shopping! Hell, ZMT once had their own booth there."
"Especially that big one in that mall downtown," Ray said. "You know? The one where they filmed all those movies?"
"Like Scenes from a Mall," Pam nodded. "And it's lesser known sequel, Scenes from A Mall Two, Revenge of the Mime!"
"That one went straight to DVD," Ray explained.
"How is that any different than the first one?" Mallory asked.
"MINKS was in a lot of movies too!" Pam said. "It was in one of the Sharknado movies…"
"How did that work?" Lana asked.
"There used to be an aquarium at the mall," Pam told her. "It was featured in the movie Pretty Blondes. Pretty Blondes Two. Pretty Blondes Three, Still Pretty. Pretty Blondes and The Bloodsucking Senators…"
"That's when that series started going off the rails," Cheryl remarked.
"I don't know," Pam said. "I thought the Bloodsucking Senators one had its moments."
"It was also in that other movie," Lana remembered. "Romancing the Mall."
"And Beverly Hills Bride," Ray added. "As well as Beverly Hills Bride Two, The Regifting."
"That was one of the rare instances when the sequel was better than the original," Pam nodded.
"Don't forget the movie Mall Babes," Cheryl added. "And Mall Babes Go To Work."
"Just so I'm clear," Mallory held up her hand. "Movies about malls are a thing?"
"Not as much since the 80's but yeah," Pam nodded.
"What year is this again?" Cheryl blinked.
"The year your last surviving brain cell surrendered at Fort Elmer's," Ray told her.
"The point is," Pam said. "MINKS has been for a decade been part of the cultural zeitgeist. With it gone an era has passed."
"I can't imagine any store being part of any kind of cultural zeitgeist," Mallory told her.
"Imagine if Neiman Marcus suddenly closed all its doors," Ray told her.
Mallory paused. "Now I'm following you."
"I've always wanted to go there!" Pam said. "And this will be our last chance to do so! We should go! Cheryl you're gonna take us on a wild shopping spree!"
"Why would I do that?" Cheryl asked.
"Couple reasons," Pam said. "We buy Mimsy's stuff cheap and sell a lot of it online at a higher markup."
"You get to make a profit off of some celebrity's misfortune," Ray pointed out.
"I do love that," Cheryl admitted.
"Second," Pam went on. "Odds are there will be some violence at the store tomorrow."
"I do love violence," Cheryl agreed.
"Third," Ray added. "You get to see a once beloved institution get literally torn limb from limb."
"I do enjoy it when I see a store going out of business," Cheryl admitted. "Something about that makes me feel warm and fuzzy on the inside."
"Me too," Mallory admitted.
"Maybe we might even see Mimsy there!" Ray pointed out. "It is her flagship store."
"No, they only show up to openings and promotional events," Cheryl waved. "However, odds are that she might send one of her ex-husbands or less successful siblings there."
"Oooh!" Ray and Pam said.
"The stench of family failure being compounded is an intoxicating scent," Cheryl thought. "Not to mention the looks of misery of people losing their jobs."
"A retail job," Pam reminded her. "Some of them will be more relieved than miserable."
"And best of all…" Ray paused. "Ms. Archer doesn't get anything out of this."
"What?" Mallory looked at him.
Ray raised an eyebrow and mouthed play along. He then said "We get all that money from sales and even some gifts and she doesn't get anything. And you know how Ms. Archer hates to be left out."
Mallory picked up the cue. "Don't you dare buy them anything Carol! I mean it! If you buy all that stuff and these idiots get gifts and profit I will be very unhappy!"
"Then I'm definitely doing it!" Cheryl snapped.
"Don't you dare!" Mallory shouted.
"Oh yes I will!" Cheryl giggled. "Now if you will excuse me. It's naptime in the copy room!" She left the room.
"Just so I'm clear," Mallory said just as Cheryl was out of hearing range. "I get a cut of the sales, right?"
"And a nice scarf," Ray said. "If I can find a decent one that matches your skin tone. It's just so hard finding something that will go with Morticia Pale."
"I'll take it," Mallory said. "And thirty percent of the cut of online sales."
"Deal," Pam shook on it with her.
"I have got to get better friends," Lana sighed.
The following day Lana found herself at a very upscale mall. "I've never seen a mall decorated with several chandeliers," Lana admitted to her companions. (Ray, Pam, Cheryl and Krieger.)
"My bitch of a sister Edie is going to be so jealous," Pam took a picture of the chandelier with her phone. "She loves shopping more than Ray."
"I find that hard to believe," Ray said.
"Malls like this are kind of like Holy Pilgrimages for our family," Pam explained. "One of my happiest memories as a teenager is when my Cousin Parnell's first wife insisted on getting married at the Mall of America. Great ceremony. And we spent some time at the theme park too!"
"Look!" Cheryl pointed excitedly. "There's the famous fountain! That's from the scene in Beverly Hills Bride Two! The one where Kristi dunks her ex-husband's cheating girlfriend in! I want a picture!"
"Me too!" Pam admitted as they went over. "Selfie!"
"Why are you here Krieger?" Lana asked. "I mean I get those two."
"Say Die Skank Die!" Cheryl cheered as Pam took the pictures.
"Die Skank Die!" Pam cheered. "Eat your heart out Edie!"
"And you know I love a bargain," Ray added.
"But why did you come with us?" Lana asked Krieger.
"It's good to get out of the lab," Krieger admitted.
"Especially for your test subjects," Ray quipped.
"Wow the economy has even hit this mall hard," Pam realized as she and Cheryl rejoined them. "And this is like the swankiest mall I've ever been in. Aw man, Caviar R Us is closed!"
"It seems like every third store is either gone or going out of business," Ray said. "Tea Heaven's gone. So's Cufflink Corner. And Fur-Ever Stoles."
"Wasn't that one of Ms. Archer's favorite fur store chains?" Pam asked.
"I think it was," Lana realized.
"Aw man," Krieger noticed something. "Telescope Town is going out of business! Hang on! Be right back!" Krieger ran in the store.
"At least Krieger found something," Pam said.
"Guess again," Ray pointed as Krieger returned. "What happened?"
"Forget it," Krieger waved. "All they had left were the refractors. Huh! Not even the big ones."
"That's what happens when you don't get to a closing sale early," Pam said. "Tough break."
"Honestly, I'm not surprised that chain is going out of business," Krieger shrugged. "Their stock hasn't exactly been the highest quality in years. I guess I have more sentimental value to the store than actually getting something from it."
"I think a lot of stores have that exact same problem," Ray remarked.
"I think that's the store we're going to," Lana pointed to a huge crowd waiting outside.
In front of the store was a security guard that resembled and sounded like a very young Don Knotts. "Now you all listen up! You will all enter the store one at a time in a line. This will be an orderly, quiet, calm…"
"CHARGE IT!" Someone shouted as the doors opened.
"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" The security guard fell among the stampede.
"YAAYYYY!" Cheryl cheered as they ran in. "Let the carnage begin!"
"Oh, this will not end well," Lana sighed.
"Do they ever?" Ray asked. "I'm seriously asking."
Soon they gang was shopping amid the mild frenzy. "Are you actually going to wear any of those clothes?" Lana asked Pam as she watched her shove half a rack of tops into a large shopping bag.
"I'm not going to wear them," Pam pointed out. "I'm going to sell them online. Besides I have handkerchiefs with more fabric on 'em."
"Don't even get me started on the so-called baby clothes and toddler items," Lana sighed as she went through some scarfs. "They look so flimsy and flammable I'd feel safer giving AJ a wet match."
"Head's up," Ray moved to them carrying some sunglasses in a bag. "Don't go anywhere near the makeup. They have more asbestos and chemicals in them than a middle school."
"Good job getting the sunglasses," Pam said.
"That's where the real money is," Ray said. "But I am keeping a nice pair of these."
"Me too," Krieger walked over carrying a bag. "I found something for Piggly!"
"Of course, you did," Lana groaned.
Krieger held up a T-Shirt saying SWINE NOT with a picture of a pig on it. "Catchy huh?"
"It does fit," Pam said. "Lana, I think those scarves are a good bet."
"This is a good sale," Lana said. "Too bad most of the items here I wouldn't even mail to my worst enemy."
"It's too orderly," Cheryl pouted. "Other than the security guard getting trampled…"
"I'm okay…" The security guard was heard moaning.
"I've got to kick things into high gear," Cheryl went off.
"What is she going to do?" Ray asked.
"Don't know, don't care," Pam groaned. "I'm going over this way. Come on Krieger. Ray stay with Lana."
"Divide and conquer," Krieger nodded as he followed her. "Got it."
"I don't know what I was expecting," Lana sighed as she picked up a scarf and put it in her bag. "The scarves are the nicest thing here. Honestly considering the quality of these clothes I'm amazed this store lasted this long!"
"As far as celebrity sightings go this is a bust," Ray muttered. "I've seen more stars at the checkout line in a grocery store."
"Who have you ever seen at a grocery store line?" Lana mocked.
"Lots of people!" Ray snapped. "You know that Broadway actress Millicent Minderia? I saw her a few times in this cute little bodega back in New York. And several of her lesser known co-stars."
Lana paused. "Was this before or after her drug bust?"
"Before and after," Ray pointed out. "I was there the second time she was arrested. Remember she tried to steal a couple of bottles of wine in her purse? I was three places behind her. Saw the whole thing. Bashed in a policeman's head in with a wine bottle. Such a tragedy. It was a good bottle of chardonnay too."
"ATTENTION RETAIL VULTURES!" Cheryl's voice was heard. "FOR THE NEXT TWENTY MINUTES EVERYTHING IS ONLY ONE DOLLAR! YOU HEARD ME! ONLY ONE DOLLAR!"
"Here we go," Lana said. "Do you think this will really work?"
"Only one way to find out! Lana quick," Ray held up a scarf. "Is this red or pink and what shade?"
"Cream red," Lana said.
"No," Ray waved. "I think I see some blue ones…"
"How can you tell if you're color blind?" Lana asked.
"I've learned little tricks to get me by," Ray admitted as he grabbed a scarf. "Such as looking at the tag. It says Sky Blue. Good enough for Ms. Archer."
"That is her color," Lana said as people around them started to panic and grab items. "In fact, just get as many scarves as you can." She moved off to another rack.
"Fine…HEY!" Ray said as a bald black man dressed in purple grabbed the scarf in front of him. "That was mine!"
"The scarves belong to whoever gets them in their bags fast enough, Michael Jackson," The man sniffed haughtily. "Only the strong and swift survive!"
"Oh well in that case," Ray raised an eyebrow. Using his bionic hand, he grabbed every scarf in front of him in seconds and stuffed them in his bag.
"What the…?" The man gasped.
"Not fast enough Grasshopper," Ray said in a saucy tone.
"Bitch," The man hissed at him.
"Don't hate me because I'm perfect," Ray sniffed as he moved away.
Meanwhile Pam and Krieger were running into difficulties of their own. "Move it ya bitch!" Pam shoved a large woman who grabbed her bag. "That's my bag!"
"Please!" The woman snarled. "Like a fat old cow like you could fit into those clothes."
"Look who's talking," Pam said. "You're the same size I am!"
"I'm only getting this crap so I can sell…" The woman passed. "Give it as gifts?"
"Nice try," Pam said. "We both know this junk is gonna skyrocket in price."
"What are you calling junk?" A well-dressed teenager screamed. "It's people like you that give Mimsy Instant a bad name!"
"It's bad enough this store is closing!" Another one said. "Mimsy doesn't need vultures like you making a profit off of her stuff."
"She has a point," The other woman said. "She couldn't make a buck off this crap. What makes us think we could?"
"Eh, girl's gotta make a living," Pam shrugged.
"How dare you?" The first teenager screeched.
"You know you're worshiping a porn star, right?" Pam asked. "Not that I'm knocking it, mind you."
"You don't deserve these bags, you old bags!" The second teenager screeched as they reached for them.
To this Pam and the other woman looked at each other. Then punched the girls out.
"Teenagers," Pam and the other woman said as one.
"ATTENTION SHOPPERS!" Someone called out on the intercom. "ITEMS ARE NOT A DOLLAR EACH! REPEAT! NOT A DOLLAR EACH!"
"WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO WELSH ON THE DEAL?" Cheryl was heard shouting. "DON'T LISTEN TO THIS WELSHER!"
"GET AWAY FROM THAT MICROPHONE!" The man shouted.
"MAKE ME!" Cheryl shouted back.
"Excuse me!" Krieger made his way through the crowd that was starting to get more frantic. "Excuse me! Coming through!"
"OW! WHO STEPPED ON MY FOOT?" A woman shouted.
"Sorry!" Krieger apologized. He accidentally bumped into another woman.
"Watch it!" She shoved him back into yet another woman.
"You watch it!" She shoved Krieger back into the second woman. Who shoved him into the first woman.
Before Krieger knew it, he was being shoved around like a ball. "HELP!" He shouted. Finally, he ducked letting one woman miss him. She hit one of the other women.
Soon all three women were fighting. Then some other women joined in. "I've been in knife fights that were safer…" Krieger groaned as he dropped to the floor and crawled away.
"REMEMBER EVERYONE!" Cheryl was heard over the intercom. "EVERYTHING IS A DOLLAR FOR ONLY A FEW MORE…GET OFF ME!"
"GET AWAY FROM THAT…. OWWWW!" A man's voice screeched.
"NEXT TIME YOU'LL GET IT IN YOUR EYE!" Cheryl snapped.
"I hate to say it," Ray said as he and Lana moved to another corner of the store. "The things she does to us I love when she does to other people."
"Yeah that means fewer bruises for us," Lana said as she grabbed a pocketbook.
The same man in purple from before grabbed it from her. "Hey!" Lana said.
"It's not your color anyway honey," He smirked.
"It's not yours either!" Ray grabbed it from him. "Hands to yourself Mr. Grabby!"
"Nobody crosses Bernard DeLevanchey!" The man screeched.
"Well meet Mr. Nobody!" Ray hissed back as he handed his bag to Lana.
"Oh, it is on now!" Bernard snarled. "Like Joan Crawford Verses Bettie Davis!"
"Bring it bitch!" Ray snarled as he tackled Bernard. They started fighting and fell backwards into some dressing rooms.
"Ugh," Lana sighed. "This is the Labor Day sale at Barney's all over again."
Some woman tried to grab the pocketbook from behind Lana. Lana casually punched her out.
"It's getting a little violent in here," Krieger said as he and Pam went up to Lana.
"Really?" Lana sighed as a thin man tried to grab her bag. She punched him out too. "I hadn't noticed."
"Where's Ray?" Pam looked around.
"Dressing room," Lana pointed to the dressing room which was rocking. "Had a little spat with someone over fashion."
"Like what happened at Barney's at that Labor Day sale?" Pam asked.
"Yuuup," Lana sighed.
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE'RE NOT GETTING SEVERENCE PAY?" Someone shouted.
"SCREW THIS!" A woman shouted. "I'M GETTING OUT OF RETAIL AND GOING INTO BUSINESS SCHOOL!"
"Good luck with that," Krieger scoffed. "Should we get in line?"
"They are a little long," Lana noticed as the checkouts were getting congested.
"New plan to save money," Pam said. "The Five Fingered Discount."
"We can't steal these items!" Lana protested.
"Why not?" Krieger pointed. "Those cashiers are stealing money from the registers."
"THIS WILL TEACH YOU BASTARDS TO NOT GIVE US SEVERANCE PAY!" One of the female cashiers screamed as she stuffed her bra full of money.
"AAAAHHH!" A man screamed as he was thrown across the room.
"ANARCHY NOW!" Cheryl was heard shouting into the microphone.
"NO! STOP! STOP!" A panicked man's voice was heard. "STOP STEALING THE MONEY!"
"YOU'RE NOT OUR SUPERVISOR ANYMORE TROY!" A woman shouted.
"SECURITY!" Troy was screaming now. "SECURITY!"
"On the other hand," Lana sighed as more people were fighting, including the store personnel. "Krieger you have one of those devices that removes store tags, right?"
"Oh yes," Krieger nodded.
"OWWWWWW! STOP KICKING ME KELLY!" Troy shouted.
"GET HIM KELLY!" Cheryl cheered.
"Then let's get Ray out of the dressing room," Lana sighed.
Ray emerged out with Bernard, both were laughing. "So, where's this restaurant you were telling me about?" Bernard asked.
"Krieger knows," Ray pointed. "Hey Krieger, remember that restaurant you were telling me about? Wanna go there?"
"Das Wunderbar? Okay!" Krieger grinned. Then he saw something. "Uh oh…"
Several security officers had arrived. "All right boys!" The Don Knotts lookalike cheered. "Get in there and restore order!"
"Right Don," One security guard said. Then he started grabbing pocketbooks. "I NEED THOSE POCKETBOOKS FOR MY WIFE!"
"Scarves! I need scarves!" Another security guard ran in.
"My teenage daughter will kill me if I don't get her a top!" A third ran in.
"THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!" Don shouted. Then he was knocked down by the other security guards rushing in. "OW!"
"REMEMBER!" Cheryl's voice was heard. "ALL ITEMS ARE A DOLLAR! OR LESS!"
"NO, THEY'RE NOT! OWWWW!" Troy screamed.
"I WARNED YOU TROY!" Cheryl cackled.
Soon the security personnel were fighting with the customers as well as the staff. "Okay now this is starting to get out of hand," Ray said.
A huge burly security guard stormed over to them. "Hand over the bags! Now!"
Bernard simply slapped him. "YOU SLAPPED ME!" The big burly guard burst into tears and ran away. "WAAHHH!"
"What a sissy," Ray rolled his eyes.
"Seriously," Bernard remarked. "It wasn't even my hardest slap."
"Uh you might want to make the next one harder," Pam pointed as two more security guards ran towards them with nightsticks.
WHUP! WHUP!
The guards fell down with tranquilizer darts in their necks.
"Now why didn't I do that in the first place?" Krieger asked as he held his tranquilizer gun.
Bernard looked at Ray. "Is he yours?"
"Not exactly," Ray shrugged. "It's complicated."
"Aren't they all?" Bernard asked. "I smell smoke. Either I'm having a stroke or somebody is burning something."
"Yes," Pam pointed. "Those sales racks full of clothes!"
"FIRE SALE!" Cheryl's voice was heard cackling. "HA! HA! HA! HA!"
"You just knew that was going to happen wasn't it?" Pam groaned as the fire started to spread.
"Whose turn is it to go after her?" Lana groaned.
"I'll do it," Pam handed Lana the bags. "Just get the merchandise out of here!"
"Brian! Scott! Come on!" Bernard called out. "We're leaving!"
"Good idea," Ray said as they all started to run for their lives. "We gotta get out of here before the fire reaches the…"
FOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"Cosmetics…" Ray groaned as a huge fire roared behind them.
Later that evening…
"Well we're back," Lana sighed as she carried several bags into the Figgis Agency.
"Busy day?" Cyril asked. Mallory was there as well.
"Yup," Pam said as she carried Cheryl in over her shoulder. Cheryl was passed out with a tranquilizer dart in her neck.
"Why…?" Cyril pointed to Cheryl.
"It's Cheryl," Lana gave him a look as she put the bags down. "Why do you think?"
"The bright side is that I'm pretty sure that the fire destroyed all the security camera footage," Pam said as she put Cheryl down on the couch.
"That bad huh?" Cyril sighed.
"Not half as vicious as the one Tiara Toddlers had when they went out of business," Lana admitted. "I barely even broke a sweat."
"She had a busy day," Pam admitted looking at Cheryl's passed out body. "Inciting a riot. Arson. Theft. Partially blinding a sales manager…"
"That reminds me," Lana gave Mallory a scarf. "Here's your scarf. Ray picked it out."
"Give Ms. Gillette credit," Mallory was admiring her new scarf. "She has fabulous taste. Even being color blind hasn't stopped her from finding the perfect designer scarf."
"Where is Ray anyway?" Cyril looked around. "And Krieger?"
"They went off with their new friends," Lana said. "I don't know where. I just hope it doesn't make the six o'clock news."
"Like the Labor Day sale at Barney's?" Mallory asked.
"Exactly," Lana nodded.
"I think that's a bit too much to ask," Cyril sighed as he turned on the monitor. Images of the mall being on fire was shown. "Apparently when Mimsy Instant heard about the fire she had a tantrum. Apparently, her store wasn't insured…"
"Not surprising seeing what a fire hazard the clothes and makeup were," Pam said. "Went up like fireworks! Whoop!"
"I'm not going to get much from this am I?" Mallory sighed.
"You can pick out a pocketbook," Lana suggested.
"Oh god no," Mallory groaned. "I suppose that's what people get for obsessing over a lousy store."
"Eh that mall was starting to go downhill anyway," Pam waved. "Almost half the stores were gone. And that Fur-Ever Stoles store was empty anyway so it's not like the MINKS store fire damaged that much."
"Wait…" Mallory did a double take. "Fur-Ever Stoles is gone? When this this happen?"
"A couple weeks ago," Pam shrugged.
"Damn it!" Mallory snapped. "I was only a few points away from getting fifty percent off of a genuine ermine stole! Well this is just too much! Too much! Take me now Lord! You might as well! I have nothing to live for!"
"Guess now's a bad time to tell you there's a slight possibility that Neiman Marcus might be headed for bankruptcy huh?" Pam asked.
"WHAT?" Mallory shouted.
"Inappropes Pam," Lana groaned. "Inappropes."