DISCLAIMER: M*A*S*H and it's characters don't belong to me, they belong to FOX. The only character of my creation is Major Oberman. I don't make any money from this either.
I have taken some liberties with plot lines and timing of characters, you'll have to forgive me. *s*
PERILS OF WAR
Another long and lazy day at the 4077th M*A*S*H. Hawkeye didn't mind these summer days; they had had very little casualties of late and summer meant they didn't freeze to death, only baked like lobsters in the heat and sweltered in the constant humidity. He shrugged (although there was no one to see him do so in the Swamp) and poured himself another martini. Damn, they were nearly out of olives- next time someone went down to Tokyo; he'd have to ask them to get some more. A martini without olives was too awful to contemplate.
"Hey Hawkeye! Hear the news?" BJ crashed down on his bed. "Man, it's hot out there."
"Is it good news?" Hawkeye responded dryly, taking another mouthful of his Martini, savouring every drop of the fiery liquid. "Ooh, that's good."
"We're getting a new surgeon."
Hawkeye nodded approvingly. "That is good news. God knows we need one. What's his name?"
"Don't know. Radar only got some garbled message he couldn't understand. We'll find out when he arrives tomorrow."
***
Hawkeye, BJ, Radar and the majority of the 4077th were playing Frisbee in the middle of the compound when the jeep rolled in in a cloud of dust. "Looks like our new doctor has arrived." BJ commented. He and Hawkeye grinned knowingly as Major Frank Burns rushed over to the new jeep, followed by his lover, Major Margaret Houlihan (commonly known as 'Hot Lips'). "Very eager to meet our new doctor." BJ raised a suspicious eyebrow. "I think that says something about the type of person he is, doesn't it?"
"Probably." Hawkeye groaned. Another person like Margaret and Frank would be hard to take in this hell on earth. He squinted into the sun, to try and get a better look- and saw long, shapely legs encased in a brown skirt and stockings…"Looks like we've got ourselves another Klinger- or Radar's really got it wrong and we've got a new nurse. That's no doctor."
"I'm going to see." BJ said, beginning to walk over towards the jeep.
Hawkeye hastened to catch up, yelling, "Hey, you can't do that! You're a married man!" As the camp's resident Casanova, he should get first pick on the new nurse! As he got closer to the scene, he stopped dead in his tracks. "You go on BJ- I just remembered I left my socks on top of the fire. If I don't save them now, I could be up on a charge of sock murder."
BJ peered at him. "Are you okay Hawk?" It was summer. There was no fire going and Hawkeye's socks would dry easily. Something was up.
Hawkeye nodded. "Downright dandy. You go and tell me all about it." BJ shrugged and continued on. Hawkeye could be very strange at the best of times, but him not wanting to meet a new nurse was downright weird. What was the matter with him?
"Here, I'll take that." BJ picked up one of the new nurse's bags off the jeep. Frank and Margaret had retreated off into the background, hurriedly whispering to each other in disgusted tones. "What's got their beef?" he asked Radar. Radar shrugged, not wanting to get into any more trouble with the Majors. BJ would find out soon enough. Turning to the new nurse, he said, "Hi there. I'm BJ Hunnicutt." He stuck out his hand and she grabbed it thankfully. It seemed like she'd said something to get the goat up Hot Lips and Frank. BJ smiled. It looked like she wouldn't be bad at all. He wondered again why Hawkeye had run off- she seemed just his type.
"Major Sarah Oberman. Pleased to meet you BJ." She smiled warmly and BJ could see that she was a born nurse.
"Major Oberman is our new doctor." Radar nervously explained.
"Aha! So that's why Majors Burns and Houlihan are a little annoyed!"
Sarah nodded and grinned. "Yeah, it did set them off kilter a bit. So which is my tent Radar?"
Radar blushed. "Ah sir- I mean ma'am, you were meant to be sharing with Major Burns and Captain Hunnicutt and Captain Pierce, but now…" He trailed off hopelessly.
"Well I don't think Hawkeye would mind, and I don't even though I'm a married man. We can deal with Frank later!" BJ laughed. He could just imagine Frank's reaction to having a woman in the Swamp- and then Major Houlihan's reaction would be even more spectacular.
Sarah had an odd look on her face. "Hawkeye? Not Hawkeye Pierce is it?"
"The one and only! Do you know him?" Obviously he was right; she was Hawkeye's type.
Sarah nodded, her face white in the afternoon sun. "Yes, we were in medical school together."
BJ took her arm. "C'mon, we'll go and say hi to him now and at the same time, we'll introduce you to the Swamp's famous martinis."
"I don't think-" Sarah said softly, then in a stronger voice, "Thanks BJ. That would be great." They walked the rest of the way to the Swamp in silence. BJ noticed Sarah looked strained. Probably just the journey, he thought. Getting this close to the front for the first time can do it to you.
"Hawkeye," BJ called through the door, "I've got a surprise for you!"
"Well, bring it in." Hawkeye replied grumpily. He hadn't liked what he'd seen before, and this looked like it was the clincher.
BJ opened the door, his grin stretching across his face. "Presenting…Major Sarah Oberman! I hear you're old friends. I'll leave you two to it." He winked at Hawkeye and walked out.
"Hello Hawkeye." Sarah said quietly. "Didn't expect to see you here."
"I was drafted, wasn't I? No, let's put it a little bit more nicely. I was invited to join this illustrious world of the army." Hawkeye said, getting up and pouring another martini. After several gulps, curiosity got the better of him. "How come you're a major?"
Sarah took this opportunity to sit down opposite Hawkeye on BJ's bed. "Because I knew it would annoy the hell out of you if you ever found out."
Hawkeye said nothing. He wouldn't have put that past her- it was more than likely the truth.
"Are you going to get me a martini?" Sarah asked. Hawkeye like this was worrying. No jokes, no smart comments…it was very odd. She didn't know quite how to handle him.
"You can get one yourself. The still's just there." Hawkeye shrugged. "Now if you don't mind, I'm reading." He picked up his magazine that he'd been trying to read unsuccessfully before.
"Suit yourself. But I feel like talking, so excuse the noise." Sarah poured a glass and took a sip. She made a face like she'd just swallowed a lemon. "Gosh this is rough!"
"Purely brewed this morning."
"I can tell. What's the matter, Hawk? I said I was sorry then, surely years later you would have forgiven me?"
"No." Why did she have to refer to the past? It was a closed wound now, dead and buried.
"Well, it was you that walked out on me, maybe I don't have to be the one who's sorry. What happened Ben? One minute we were happy, the next-"
Hawkeye stood suddenly, towering over Sarah. She looked up at his menacing figure. "Don't call me Ben- not under any circumstances, you hear? Call me Hawkeye, like everyone else here does. No one calls me Ben."
Sarah shrugged. "Your mom used to but whatever suits you is fine by me. However you want to play the game is also fine with me. If you'll excuse me, I think I'll go and see how my living arrangements are shaping up." She stood and walked to the door. "One day you'll have to face the truth Benjamin Franklin Pierce. See you around."
***
After a few days of watching the bitter arguments between Sarah and Hawkeye, BJ thought he should ask his friend exactly what was going on between them. The strain between them had not only captured his eye, but the majority of the 4077th's as well. He simply had to ask. "Hawkeye, you can't carry on like this- it isn't you. Already everyone is beginning to wonder why you're not all over her. She's new, she's female- she should be in your bed now."
"It's because I am over her- completely and entirely. She's not new, I know she's female and she's already been in my bed."
"Do you mind elaborating? I still don't get why you're so against her if you two used to be together. Did it really end that badly?"
Hawkeye sighed loudly. He didn't want to have to go over this again, but it looked like he was being forced to from all sides. "Yes, it did. It's a tale of love and courage against the odds that went terribly wrong."
Laughing, BJ replied, "Sounds like some kind of romance story."
"Yeah, it was." Hawkeye poured yet another martini. "Except this one had the bitter and twisted ending to it.
"We met in med school. When there are only five girls in your class, they do tend to stick out. She was nice. We got on well." Hawkeye stopped, trying to find the right words to explain the rest.
"So what happened, Hawk?" BJ asked gently.
Quietly Hawkeye said, "I don't know Beej. Everything was fine, then there was this party." His head dropped to his chest, his voice barely beyond a whisper. "Got really drunk and ended up with some girl- who wasn't Sarah. She found out, got pretty angry, then got her revenge-with some guy from our class. Then we started arguing all the time…I couldn't stand it Beej. Letting what we had together crumble into nothing like that. I had to leave."
"And she's still angry about it." BJ concluded.
"She probably has a right to be." Hawkeye said morosely. "She woke up one morning to find I'd packed all my things up and left the dorm."
BJ raised an eyebrow. "So today was the first time you'd spoken since then?"
Hawkeye nodded. "Yeah, pretty much. She turned into a damn good surgeon."
"So did you." BJ smiled to himself. Hawkeye must have kept tabs on her for a long time- too long for someone he was meant to be completely over.
Hawkeye shrugged. "Whatever. I'm going to bed. Goodnight." He switched off the lamp.
***
Hawkeye didn't sleep well that night, his dreams were punctuated with memories of Sarah…what was it that she'd said that afternoon? "I knew that it would annoy the hell out of you if you found out I was a major." She had obviously been thinking about him, then. Why?
Then came the unmistakable sound of choppers, and the announcement over the PA. "Attention all personnel. Incoming wounded." Hawkeye hurriedly dressed, waking BJ and Frank since he was practically awake anyway and rushed down to O.R. to scrub. "Welcome to MASH." He nodded at Sarah, who was putting her gown on.
"Thanks," she replied softly. "Hawkeye-" she started, then thought better of it and closed her mouth.
"What?" He asked in a brusque tone. This was not the time to be discussing personal matters. It was apparent this was her first job close to the front. Well, she'd have to learn that it wasn't all beer and skittles here.
"Nothing," she replied in a tone that was as equally as curt, hurt by him. "How long do these sessions last?"
"Until there's no more wounded. Or until both sides decide to talk it over in a bar instead of shredding each other to pieces. Take your pick Major Oberman. Excuse me." Hawkeye brushed past her into O.R. He had work to do.
***
"This isn't a garden picnic Major." Colonel Potter barked over Sarah's shoulder. "No need to be so neat and tidy- we've got a full waiting room out there. Move it!"
"Yes sir." Sarah's cheeks burned under the surgical mask and tried to suture that bit faster. Her feet were beginning to ache from standing for so long. This was damn hard work.
BJ leaned back from his patient and whispered to Sarah, "Don't worry. The speed builds up later." Sarah tried to smile (not that BJ could see it anyway), but it wasn't easy. Hawkeye threw visual daggers at her every time their eyes met, Major Burns acted as she was a disgrace to…something, he just didn't know what, Major Houlihan wouldn't lower herself to even speak to her and Colonel Potter thought she was slow and lazy. When she had applied to transfer to the front from the Evac Hospital in Seoul, she had walked into it with her eyes open. She knew the work would be long, bloody and difficult under limited resources; but she hadn't thought that she'd be so…useless at it. Nor had she expected to walk into such an ants' nest of a camp either.
***
"How many hours was that?" Sarah yawned, pulling her cap off with the last of her strength and slumping against the wall, eyes closed. She had never been this tired in her life.
"Eight hours Major." Radar replied, gathering up the ton of regulation paperwork.
"That's a short shift. Get used to at least doubling or tripling that." Hawkeye called as he walked past them to remove his surgical garb.
"Is he serious?" Sarah opened a weary eye at Radar.
"Afraid so ma'am." Radar scurried off. He didn't know why Hawkeye disliked the major, but he wasn't about to get offside with him. Anyway, he had a lot of paperwork to do- and it was nearly time for lunch.
"Going to get some food?" BJ asked Sarah, sitting down beside her.
Sarah shook her head. "I don't know how you people have the energy to do anything!" She yawned. "I can barely move."
"You tend to develop stamina as time goes on- unfortunately. C'mon," he stood, offering Sarah his hand, "food will make you feel better." Sarah stood reluctantly and they walked together to the mess tent.
Inside, BJ handed her a tin plate. "Let's see what's on the menu today. Mmmm…liver and onions…"
"Oh god, that's awful!" Sarah shuddered. "How do you people eat this day in, day out?"
BJ smiled, "Don't worry, it never actually begins to taste like liver and onions. That would be a miracle. Just think of it as cardboard, because that's what it probably is." He began to walk to a bench where Hawkeye was sitting, then noticed that Sarah was had stopped dead in her tracks in the middle of the tent. "What are you waiting for? Your lunch will get cold, standing there like that."
"Don't think I'm welcome there." She pointed to Hawkeye and tried to smile, but BJ knew it wasn't a joke.
"Of course you are. You're my guest." Sarah shrugged and followed BJ to the table. He'd soon see…
Hawkeye looked up from his meal at BJ, then at Sarah sitting opposite. "You'll have to excuse me. I seem to have lost my appetite." He stood, picking up his plate and left the mess tent.
"See?" Sarah said somewhat triumphantly. "He hates me. There's no point BJ."
"No he doesn't." BJ replied automatically. "Maybe you two should talk it over. I think this will begin to wear thin on the camp soon enough."
"He won't listen. I tried when I got here."
"Try again."
Sarah sighed. "Okay, I'll do it now if it makes you happy. Don't expect any positive results though." She stood up and pushed her half eaten plate towards Radar, "Here you go Radar."
"Oh gee thanks Major ma'am!" Radar began to tuck in happily. Extra lunch was a bonus, especially liver and onions.
***
Sarah knocked on the door to the Swamp timidly, her heart beating rapidly. Relax, it's only Hawkeye, she tried to tell herself. "Yeah?" she heard Hawkeye call. She walked in and sat down on BJ's bed, facing Hawkeye who was lying on his. "You again." he muttered, rolling over so not to face her.
"BJ sent me. I think we're driving him crazy- he subtlely suggested it in the nicest possible way. He's a nice guy."
"He's married. Don't get any ideas."
"Not me that goes for the married type Hawkeye. Isn't that more your department?" Sarah smiled smugly as Hawkeye turned to face her. "Made you look." She grinned.
Hawkeye made a face. "That night…it was a once off, Sarah. And if I remember correctly, you got your own revenge."
"But I didn't walk out on anyone in the middle of the night. Two years Ben, and you left without a word! You know I telephoned your father to see if you were okay? You should have left a note. But no. Nothing. " Sarah bit her lip. "I still loved you Hawkeye."
"Past tense?" He asked gently, anger melting away. He got up off his bed and went down to sit beside her. Sarah shook her head, then let it fall down on Hawkeye's shoulder. Hawkeye wrapped his arms around her, drawing her into a hug. "You know I was going to ask you to marry me?" he muttered.
"No you weren't." Sarah sat up and moved away. "Stop trying to make me feel better. I've got enough to worry about without you patronizing me!"
Hawkeye laughed. "Sounds like we're back to normal."
Sarah looked him closely in the eye. "Yeah. BJ will be happy; he can have some peace and quiet. " She sighed. "Now I just need to know what Major Burns and Major Houlihan are up to. Oh, and you could stop giving me looks that could kill. I think there's enough hatred in this war as it is."
"Deal." Hawkeye grinned. The romantic mood was over. "But what's this about Frank and Hot Lips?"
Sarah shrugged. "I don't know. I just get this feeling that I'm being watched. Everywhere I go one of them always seems to be there- Burns looking at me with his horrible beady eyes and Houlihan sneering down her nose. Something's up and it's got to do with me."
Hawkeye stood up and made a grand bow at Sarah, who laughed. "Well my dear, you're in luck. Snooping just happens to be my favourite pastime- especially when it's to do with Frank and Hot Lips."
"Thanks." She kissed him on the cheek. "I'd better go- nice to see the real Hawkeye again. See you later!"
***
Over the next week, Hawkeye made a point of watching Frank and Hot Lips. Sarah was definitely right, they were watching her every move and a couple of times he saw them scribbling in notebooks. So what were they plotting? He couldn't seem to work it out using the usual techniques of trying to catch Frank out and eavesdropping. Desperate times called for desperate measures- he needed BJ's help. So one evening he got Sarah, BJ and Radar together in the Swamp to work out a plan. After they all had their martinis (and Radar a Grape Ne-Hi swiped from the Officers' Club), Hawkeye settled down to tell them his plan. "Now Sarah, if they're watching you and taking notes, they have to write them all down properly sometime, don't they?" She nodded. "Look around you. Where's Frankie now? Not here. Is he possibly in Major Houlihan's tent?"
"I'd say that was more than likely. Very much more than likely." BJ said.
Hawkeye nodded. "So what needs to be done is we need to get them out of that tent in a hurry, then go in and swipe the notes. First, we need to create a diversion." He paced the room for emphasis. "What we need to do is create the kind of diversion they'd be looking for. Sarah-" he pointed to her, "and someone need to be hmmm…shall we say loudly amorous outside Hot Lips' tent. Then they'll rush outside and someone goes in and takes the notes. The third someone can divert the majors away while we get what we need, then replace the notes. Voila! We know what they're up to and can grind them down from there."
BJ nodded. "Good work Hawk, but there's one problem. Who are each of these 'someones'?"
Radar jumped in hurriedly, "I'll take the notes Captain Pierce."
"Then I'll divert the handsome couple." BJ added.
"And it looks like you draw the short straw." Sarah smiled at Hawkeye. "Won't this be fun?"
***
"Ready?" BJ whispered. Sarah, Radar and Hawkeye nodded. "Go for it!" He grinned wickedly and pushed Sarah and Hawkeye in the direction of Major Houlihan's tent.
"What are we going to say?' Sarah whispered in Hawkeye's ear.
"Leave it to me." Hawkeye put his arm about her waist. Then in a louder tone when they were just about directly outside Hot Lips' tent, he said, "I'm glad our plan worked well. This way we can always be together, in love and war, yet no one will be any the wiser."
Sarah covered her face with her hand to smother a giggle. "Yes, darling Hawkeye, it was a good idea for us to pretend to hate each other in public. No one will ever figure it out. But I must say, it was a masterstroke on your part to get me to pretend to be a doctor."
Hawkeye's face cracked into a grin. "I taught you well my dear. Soon you might even be able to distinguish some vital organs. But that's enough of that, I really wanted to talk love to you under this starlit Korean night."
Inside Major Houlihan's tent…
Frank and Margaret turned to each other inside the tent. "Did you hear that?" Margaret hissed. "They're rorting the system!"
Frank nodded. "Yeah, she's not even a doctor!"
Margaret threw the pen and pad she'd been holding onto the floor, furious. "Pierce is disgusting! I wouldn't have put this past him! Organising a fraud just so his girlfriend can be with him!"
"Well, you've got to admit this is more than what we've got on the 'Major'. I bet she's not even a real major!" Frank sneered. "I know, let's sneak outside, catch their conversation a bit more clearly…"
Margaret nodded.
***
"Hook, line and sinker." Hawkeye smiled. "Now for the clincher." He leaned in and kissed the rather surprised Sarah on the lips, smiling as he heard the gasps of Hot Lips and Frank, then BJ, "Ah, Major Burns. I've been looking everywhere for you. Telephone call from HQ. They say it's important." Just as they had expected, both Major Burns and Hot Lips went running to the office.
"Got it sirs- and ma'am.' Radar said, walking over.
"Good." Hawkeye let go of Sarah. "Let's check it out."
In the Swamp, they read the copious notes Hot Lips and Frank had been taking it seemed since Sarah's arrival. Radar was watching for their return (although he knew it would be quite a while due to his instructions to Sparky to keep them holding on for as long as possible). "They want you out." Hawkeye explained, scanning Margaret's handwriting. "Apparently you're a distraction to the male officers-"
Sarah snorted. "And what are the nurses then?"
Hawkeye continued. "Not a team player, discourteous to officers and have limited knowledge of front-line medical procedure."
Sarah sighed. "Looks like I'm hung, drawn and quartered."
"Not necessarily. They've been persuaded before." BJ said. "It can be done again."
"Thanks guys." Sarah smiled tiredly. "Look, I'm going to sleep on this and think about it tomorrow. Okay?" BJ and Hawkeye nodded. "Goodnight."
The next morning…
"Major Oberman, ma'am?" Radar called, knocking loudly on Sarah's door. "Are you awake?"
"Now I am." Sarah yawned, pulling the cord of her dressing gown around her waist. "What is it Radar?"
"Message from Headquarters, ma'am. You've been commissioned for Tokyo."
"What? Radar, you're joking!" Sarah ran a hand through her dishevelled hair.
Radar shook his head. "No ma'am. Came through this morning."
"Does the colonel know? What about Hawkeye?"
"No ma'am."
"Can you go and tell them now please? This is a bit fishy- actually a lot more." Sarah closed the door and slumped down on the bed. Looked like Major Houlihan and Major Burns had got what they wanted. But should she fight them or just go with it? Tokyo would be a cushy, easy job, but here… Hawkeye was friendly, as was BJ and the others, but she stuck out in the 4077th as a female doctor. She knew Hot Lips didn't like having her chief position questioned, nor did she feel like rising to the challenge. She sighed, beaten down again.
At that minute, Hawkeye came rushing in. "Tell me Frank and Hot Lips are joking on this one," he puffed, sitting down beside her.
Sarah shook her head. "We don't know it was them. It could be pure coincidence."
"No way," Hawkeye shook his head vehemently. "Not them. Look, we'll tell Potter and-"
Sarah took Hawkeye's hands in her own. "No. I'm probably better off there anyway. I am a distraction. I'm useless at front line work. Send me to Tokyo and I'll do fine." She stood up. "Nice seeing you again Hawkeye, even if it was for such a short time." She touched his face. "Have fun, won't you?"
Hawkeye took her hand. "Sure." He tried to smile. "Good luck. We'll try to catch up back home when this is over."
Sarah nodded. "Yeah. Sure."
***
"Is that it, Major?" Klinger asked as he put the last of her bags in the jeep.
"Yes. Thanks Klinger." She turned to BJ and kissed his cheek. "Thanks for everything."
"You're very welcome. Best of luck."
Sarah continued to make her rounds of goodbyes, the last one being Hawkeye. "Well," she said, not knowing what to say. "You will write, won't you?" Hawkeye nodded. "This is goodbye then, I guess." Impulsively, she hugged him tightly. "Goodbye Ben." She looked up at him, grinning. Quickly, Hawkeye leaned down and kissed her, to the wolf whistles and cheers of the rest of the 4077.
The driver of the jeep beeped his horn. "You comin'?"
Sarah regretfully extracted herself from Hawkeye. "Bye." Eyes downcast and face red, she headed towards the jeep, waving as it trailed away from the camp.
Hawkeye's mood soon turned to anger once he could no longer see the jeep. Walking over to Frank, he said angrily, "I hope you're happy now Frank!"
Frank smiled in his own prissy way. "As a matter of fact, I am."
Hawkeye saw red, and swung his arm back to punch Frank into next week, only to have it caught by BJ. "C'mon, I'll get you a drink. You look like you need one."
***
A month later…
"Mail call Captain Pierce sir." Radar said, giving Hawkeye a wad of letters. He scanned through them quickly. One from his father, another from his sister, one from Sarah and another he didn't recognise. He opened the one from Sarah eagerly and began to read:
Dear Hawkeye, [the letter read]
This isn't the nicest letter you'll receive, and I hope you never will receive it because if you do, it means that I'm dead.
Hawkeye recoiled in shock. What? Sarah couldn't be dead!
Before we left for Korea, we were told to write letters to our loved ones to be sent to them if we died, a last hurrah if you like. This is version two, Hawkeye, written before I leave for Tokyo tomorrow morning. Before I wanted to say that I was sorry for what happened so long ago, but I guess you know that now. Thanks for the great time at the 4077th and I'm sorry I had to leave so soon. But I know there's no point in defying the odds…
Hawkeye put the letter down, tears trailing down his cheeks. Why hadn't be found out sooner? He looked at the letter with the unknown handwriting and flipped it over. The return address was a Mrs D. Oberman of Virginia. Hurriedly he tore it open and scanned the contents…
…It seems that on the way to the airport, Sarah and the driver of the jeep were taken hostage…we have no way of knowing whether she is alive or dead…all we can do is hope and pray…Benjamin, you have my deepest sympathy for I know Sarah cared for you very much, she wrote me…all my blessings and Godspeed for your safe return…
Hawkeye put his head in his hands, crying bitterly. Those were the perils of war, but why did they have to hurt so much?
FINIS