Five Friends, a Blonde and the Mystic Wind Princess
And now, the Big! Huge! Fat! Character List! This is for anyone who hasn't read the first story and can't be bothered, or has forgotten who all the characters are. I didn't put one in initially, which was probably a dumb idea as there are (counts) 48 main and supporting characters with profiles spanning 6 pages in Word. Bloody hell, I can be pretty prolific when I want to be. This'll probably get even bigger as I keep on writing. Eeesh.
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Cerrin Wyver- The brightest (and meanest) of them is Cerrin Wyver, a former student of the University of Bitchcraft and Bitchery, who was top of the honour roll as the biggest bitch at the school. Arrogant, ruthless and bitchy, she's not the most well liked person on the planet, but don't tell her that or she may burn your face off. With her flame red hair, angular face and icy blue eyes she stands out a mile among the throngs of losers in Lumbridge. She has a rather weird obsession with magic and runes, and follows Guthix, even though she acts like a power hungry bitch. Although she acts like she doesn't care about anyone but herself, she has a real soft spot for Trip.
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Ansela Jonla: A sneaky thief with absolutely no morals, she can and will steal anything. She and her brother were abandoned when she was only nine and she took up thieving to support them then, but now she mostly does it for fun. Stole a sacred ninja scroll which gave her ninja powers, and now she uses them for her own personal gain. She will mug anything that comes within two feet, but she is a really nice person. Really. Oh, and she's a Zamorakian. Likes to drink, swear and fight.
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Rozy Wyver: Cerrin's sister, Rozy Wyver, has the stupid genes in the family and is the blonde. Just one look at this blonde haired, blue eyed, elfin faced ADHD cherub is all the proof you need that blondes are stupid. She dresses primarily in pink and loves to skip around singing about bunnies. Trained with the legendary ranger Angus McArrowhead to learn to shoot properly, and now she divides her time between the Ranger's Guild and visiting Lumbridge to see her baby brother.
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Alex Ilidan: The biggest pervert on the face of the planet. Thinks he's Saradomin's gift to women. His hobby is skirt chasing. His main ambition (other than having a harem of hundred beautiful women) is to become a brave White Knight, however his distinct lack of a spine holds him back. Recently passed the White Knight's training program though, but refused to join the main force so he could pursue his love of women, or more specifically Rozy.
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Timmus Jonla: Ansela's brother, a meat obsessed barbarian and the dumbest guy you could ever meet. His diet consists almost wholly of meat and meat related products and is brain I'm afraid is non-existent. Conan the Barbarian comparisons are apt. Inherited the Jonla family fortune of 15 million gold and has ended up married to Amelia despite not knowing what marriage is. Is fiercely protective of his sister.
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Trip Tiptree: The unfortunately named Trip is incredibly clumsy due to a curse from an evil wizard and can fall over his own shadow. This led to him being picked on a lot at school until his mom beat up the bullies. In spite of that he is probably the sanest individual in the story. Went to school to learn healing magic, because he wanted to be a doctor but was far too clumsy to be one. Really likes Cerrin. Wants to ask her to marry him but is far too nervous to attempt it.
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Other People's characters (In order of appearance)
Zanithir as Ruarai: A treasure hunter who pursued the gang into the jungle. Has not been seen since the ninja incident but is rumoured to be raiding ancient tombs for a living.
Ozzyiwannabeagoat as Ozzy: A hack wrestler who teams up with the gang to try and stop an evil wizard taking over Runescape. Now works in a hot dog stand in Ardounge. Has a short attention sp- ooh, a butterfly!
SSJ4 Aragorn as Terrence Wolfblade: A mercenary who puts his life (and wages) on the line to team up with the gang. Is the last known survivor of his home village and carries his father's sword as a memento. Has a dog called Brandy.
CerridwynBradhadairWyver as The Plot Bunny: The written incarnation of the authoress herself, who seals up plotholes. Spends half her time fixing plotholes and the other half fixing things her dumb twin brother wrecks. Can appear as anything she wants but prefers to be a red haired twenty-something woman dressed in a white crop top and hot pants. She has white rabbit ears and a fluffy tail. Resides in a comfortable house at the edge of the cosmos.
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Bunny's Plotholing Team
Plot Demon: Plot Bunny's twin brother. He has the same powers as Bunny but is unfortunately as thick as two short planks. This leads to much chaos. Likes to play videogames 24/7. Has a phobia of microwaveable dinners.
Mishi: Sexy mechanic from Venus, she exudes ten thousand times more pheromones than a human, and most men are reduced to simpering twits at the sight of her. Can fix pretty much anything, has a black belt in karate and enjoys
Harry: Self-proclaimed to be the gayest being in the universe. He is a Sylph (wind spirit) from the realm of Twa-an'tarra and he looks very feminine. He is a computer expert and can hack into any computer mainframe in the universe.
Jumbo: His real name is Ah'du'kakalla'mabanga'shmah (but everyone calls him Jumbo) and he is from Jupiter. He looks like the Incredible Hulk but red, and just as strong. Loves to cook, and so Bunny employed him as a bodyguard and a head chef. Makes a divine crème bruleé.
Katy: Bunny's personal assistant, she is a fairy from Zanaris. Highly organised and efficient, and can be known to make things explode if people don't listen to her. Has a weakness for sugary candy and chocolate.
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Notable Others
Meryl Peemstein: A 280-pound German pro-wrestler with a grudge against Cerrin and a weird crush on Alex. Is determined to marry Alex and consummate their erotic passion (I feel ill) even if it kills her (or him). She lives at the University of Bitchcraft and Bitchery.
Wotsisname: A mysterious wizard who's real name is so dumb and unpronounceable that no one can remember it, except Rozy. Was last seen in Karamja, partying with several young girls and drinking cocktails.
Drak: A particularly stupid treasure hunter. He and Timmus bonded over their one digit IQ's and a love of hitting things with blunt objects. Was last seen on a beach in Etceteria, going stark raving mad.
Gem: A whip-wielding assassin with a fetish for leather and bondage. Is actually a Terminatrix who came from a plothole in the third movie. Has a lot of issues with phobias, death and fish. Is currently in Antarctica after Bunny shattered her and dumped her there.
Salazar Slimebucket: The less said, the better. Tried to take over the world twice. Nearly succeeded once, but has so far been thwarted by the gang. Has a comb over and a crappy moustache/goatee combo that makes him look like a second rate pantomime villain. Is currently locked up in a maximum security magic-proof jail for numerous crimes against humanity, the environment and Princess Amelia's hair.
Sniffly: An evil henchman with blocked sinuses and an attitude problem. Gets treated badly by Slimey but puts up with it because no one else will hire him. Is currently employed by Second Rate Henchman Ltd as a spare henchman.
Mordred: An evil knight with some 'growing' issues. Tried to force Rozy (And Cerrin) to marry him to fulfil a really dumb ancient prophecy but was thwarted by the gang. Is currently living in his mom's basement.
Stephanie Ilidan: Alex's sister and the only sane Ilidan. Broke Alex's poor, fragile (not) heart by eloping with Alex's former girlfriend Lynne three years ago. Works at the Royal Palace in Ardounge as one of Princess Amelia's ladies in waiting.
Shade: Ultra cool half demon assassin/kidnapper/hero/plot device/traitor/hottie who wears too much leather. Was arrested for working for Slimebucket but his mom bailed him out and dragged him back home by his pointed ear. His dad is probably the stupidest demon to exist. Is currently looking for work at the Assassin's guild.
Jane Fletcher: A mercenary who was hired by Slimebucket but changed sides after being offered a helluva lotta cash. She has some connection to Terrence (probably romantic, but I shan't say that for fear of -shhhhuck- OW!!!). Loves takeaway food, specifically egg rolls. The location of her home is currently unknown.
Violet Fletcher: Jane's mom. After hearing that Bob/Lord Darkvel kidnapped Jane, Violet has been searching for her. A skilled ranger who taught Jane everything she knows.
Her Royal Highness the Beautiful, Kind and Like Sooo Totally Cool Princess Amelia: Princess of Kandarin. Spoiled, perky and like totally talks like a retarded American teenager. Looks exactly like Cerrin, except Cerrin has nicer eyes and is slightly taller (As Trip said). Has a crush on Timmus because he's a 'real man' (muscled, sweaty, grunts a lot and kills things with his bare hands. Love really IS blind). Lives at the Royal Palace (duh).
Wally Watkins: Former guard, currently earns money as a travelling bard. Travelled with Ansela for nearly two years, not completely of his own free will, was captured by ninjas, rescued and then had to help defeat the evil demon Delrith. He is quite weak physically, and is often joking called Wimpkins by people he knows, but he has a knack for survival, accidental though it may be.
Robert Watkins: Head guard in Ardougne. Getting on a bit but still a skilled officer. Hates the new ways of guarding, with bureaucracy and red tape. Despite this he admires Hench for his tenacity and willingness to fight to get what he wants. Tries to push his kids into the guards, but only two of them went in and stayed in.
Mrs and Mrs Wyver: Cerrin and Rozy's parents. Mrs Wyver is a newly awakened post-feminist housewife who takes her anger out on her husband, who is a lazy unemployed layabout. Mrs Wyver and Cerrin hate each other very much. Mr Wyver adores both his daughters and used to spoil them a lot when they were kids, which pissed Mrs Wyver off. Live in a comfortable semi-detached house in one of the nicer areas of Lumbridge.
Ryan Wyver: Rozy and Cerrin's 17-month old brother. Is too young to really understand anything that's going on in the story, which is a good thing as it would probably traumatise him. Mr Wyver puts him to bed with a football every night so he'll grow up to be a championship player, but young Ryan seems to take a greater interest in his toy xylophone.
Mr and Mrs Tiptree: Trip's parents. Both of them love him a lot and are very protective of him, Mrs Tiptree especially so. Mrs Tiptree is a former bounty hunter turned housewife, Mr Tiptree is a chartered accountant for the Varrock Mining office. They live next door to the Wyvers. Mr Tiptree spends most of his time working and so Trip hardly sees him.
Ms Ilidan: Alex's crack whore mother. Lives in a trailer, smokes anything and everything and swears a lot. Can't remember who Alex and Stephanie's dad is even though they're three years apart and have the same dad. Current residence is Lumbridge Trailer Park.
Patrick Hench: Former DA of Varrock and new chief of the Ardougne guard, most everyone hates him including his long suffering secretary, all the criminals in the world and Ansela, who used want him dead, preferably in a nasty, bloody Reservoir Dogs-esqe torture killing. Seems like a scumbag but may be nicer than he lets on. Lives alone in a small apartment in Ardougne.
Dalton Firespear: A recent addition. He is an assassin who apparently gets hit by cows often, but so far in this story he hasn't killed anyone. He has been hit by a cow, though. The location of his home is currently unknown.
Mary Crumple: Long suffering secretary of Hench and an old family friend of the Jonlas who turned traitor to get her hands on their fortune. Was more two-faced, sneaky and determined than Hench or anyone else gave her credit for. was killed by Sally, the owner of the speakeasy Mary ratted on.
Lynne Scrogget: Alex's ex girlfriend. Was unsure of her sexuality when she started dating Alex but definitely decided she was a lesbian after she ran away with his sister. Shares Alex's profound love of the popular porn magazine 'Hot Runescape Babes'. Lives in Ardounge with Stephanie.
Mr and Mrs Jonla: Ansela and Timmus' parents. Former con artists. Have been missing for seven years. Presumed dead or in a mental asylum.
Junko and Tokutaro Katsutoshi: Two twin ninjas who were shamed by Ansela and now are hunting her down to regain the scroll and their honour. Both are as stubborn and proud as each other. Although they stick together they don't really know how to works as a team, and half the time end up arguing with each other.
Kazemi Hoshiko: The Mystic Wind Princess. The granddaughter of Masato and daughter of Miyuki. She's ten years old, cute and sweet and loves to be told fairy tales. Is the only one powerful enough to defeat the great evil, but can't gain her full powers without the scroll Ansela stole. Oh dear.
Masato and Miyuki Hoshiko: Masato is the stoic leader of the ninja village and Miyuki is his daughter and personal assistant. Masato took Miyuki back into the house after her husband died in a freak beaver accident.
Suzume Akako: Known as the Red Sparrow, proud leader of the ninja squadron and Kazemi's personal bodyguard.
Lord Darkvel/Bob: A former plothole maintenance worker who grew bored of being subservient to people like Bunny, so he stole a lot of plot bending equipment and escaped into this story. Plans to rule the Runescape universe by infecting the characters with Plot Bugs (which Bunny tends to blame on Demon even though it's not his fault). Is fairly unimaginative and relies on other sources for his ideas.